70 year old Asian Christian father constantly verbally abuses eldest son

[Korean-American Christian]

Is it normal for a 70 year old Asian father to constantly verbally abuse his eldest son? My father claims to be a devout Christian, and he is also an ordained Christian minister.

Some background information:
I will be turning 38 this year. I am Korean-American, born and raised in the United States. My father is a 70 year old ordained Christian minister. (Just to clarify....my father was ordained as a Christian minister 20 years ago). I firmly believe that my father is a very legalistic Christian who uses Scripture/the Bible as a weapon of destruction.

Here is a legal definition of verbal abuse:

Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.

Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

no it's not. pops needs to check himself.

have you spoken to your elders about your dad's behavior? what did they tell you?

 

[archer75]

No, not normal at all. Sounds like a case of narcissism disguised as religion. Good luck to you.

 

[Dave-W]

Actually it sounds consistent with what I know of Korean culture.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

no it's not. pops needs to check himself.

have you spoken to your elders about your dad's behavior? what did they tell you?

Thank you so much for your reply.

I spoke to my small group leader at church. His reply was....don't condemn your father....God will punish your father if He so chooses.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

No, not normal at all. Sounds like a case of narcissism disguised as religion. Good luck to you.

Thank you so much for your reply. I completely agree that my father is a narcissist....

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Actually it sounds consistent with what I know of Korean culture.

Yes, it is very consistent with Korean culture. However, I am not asking whether it is consistent with Korean culture.

Is it Biblical? Spare the rod, spoil the child...and all that, but I am no longer a child....

 

[archer75]

Is it Biblical? Spare the rod, spoil the child...and all that, but I am no longer a child....

I think it's hard to interpret that verse to justify "constant verbal abuse".

 

[lben]

Is it Biblical? Spare the rod, spoil the child...and all that, but I am no longer a child....

You will always be his oldest son. As a parent, I think maybe your dad is having issues with something you're doing that isn't scriptural and he's in fear of your soul's eternal destination. A father's love never stops. Neither does a mother's love.

I know how I feel when my daughter does something that is offensive to God and against scripture. Maybe if you didn't give him something to be upset about things would get better for you.

On a final note: if you think your father is mad, wait till you have to face God with whatever it is your doing that your father doesn't approve of. I noticed you skipped that part.

 

[archer75]

On a final note: if you think your father is mad, wait till you have to face God with whatever it is your doing that your father doesn't approve of. I noticed you skipped that part.

Where did the OP say he was doing something that his father didn't approve of?

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I spoke to my small group leader at church. His reply was....don't condemn your father....God will punish your father if He so chooses.

i would agree with that advice. i would also say that if your father is not willing to treat you with respect, you may need to set of some boundaries of separation.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

You will always be his oldest son. As a parent, I think maybe your dad is having issues with something you're doing that isn't scriptural and he's in fear of your soul's eternal destination. A father's love never stops. Neither does a mother's love.

I know how I feel when my daughter does something that is offensive to God and against scripture. Maybe if you didn't give him something to be upset about things would get better for you.

On a final note: if you think your father is mad, wait till you have to face God with whatever it is your doing that your father doesn't approve of. I noticed you skipped that part.

Woah....hold on there. You are assuming WAY TOO MUCH. In my original post, did I ever say that I am doing things that are not Scriptural?

Did I, at any time, say that I gave my father something to be upset about??

Did I ever say that I'm doing things that my father doesn't approve of??

Are you one of those hell-fire and brimstone preacher guys?

 

[Korean-American Christian]

i would agree with that advice. i would also say that if your father is not willing to treat you with respect, you may need to set of some boundaries of separation.

Thank you for your substantive and rational reply. Since my father is not willing to treat me with respect, I definitely need to set some boundaries of separation. I am prayerfully searching for ways to finally move out of my father's house

 

[Korean-American Christian]

You will always be his oldest son. As a parent, I think maybe your dad is having issues with something you're doing that isn't scriptural and he's in fear of your soul's eternal destination. A father's love never stops. Neither does a mother's love.

I know how I feel when my daughter does something that is offensive to God and against scripture. Maybe if you didn't give him something to be upset about things would get better for you.

On a final note: if you think your father is mad, wait till you have to face God with whatever it is your doing that your father doesn't approve of. I noticed you skipped that part.

Iben, I guess you completely missed the part where I said that I am being verbally abused....

In case you are unclear about what verbal abuse is....

Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.

Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage.

 

[Dave-W]

Yes, it is very consistent with Korean culture. However, I am not asking whether it is consistent with Korean culture.

Is it Biblical? Spare the rod, spoil the child...and all that, but I am no longer a child....

No I do not believe it is. But being in a congregation that is entirely one ethnicity will often lead to cultural concerns overriding biblical ones.

I have a Korean aunt who attends an all Korean Seventh Day Adventist congregation and it seems Korean sensibilities are the rule rather than biblical ones on many issues. Especially when it comes to the eldest son of the eldest son. It caused a HUGE family blowup when my grandfather died.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

No I do not believe it is. But being in a congregation that is entirely one ethnicity will often lead to cultural concerns overriding biblical ones.

I have a Korean aunt who attends an all Korean Seventh Day Adventist congregation and it seems Korean sensibilities are the rule rather than biblical ones on many issues. Especially when it comes to the eldest son of the eldest son. It caused a HUGE family blowup when my grandfather died.

I completely agree with you....being in a congregation that is entirely one ethnicity (or 99%) will often lead to cultural concerns overriding Biblical concerns.

I firmly believe that the Korean (Protestant) Church in Korea as well as the Korean immigrant church (in America and around the world) misinterprets the Bible in order to support the traditional Korean cultural stance on authoritarian parenting (and frequently, harsh parenting techniques)....

Although my father has lived in the United States for 40 years, he came to America when he was a grown man. As a child and as a teenager, my father suffered psychologically and emotionally because my grandmother was a harsh, verbally abusive parent. My grandmother actually told my father that she wished he had been born as a girl.

The point that I am trying to make is that although I was born and raised in the United States, our dysfunctional family system was a Little Korea...complete with adherence to the traditional Korean custom of absolute, unquestioning obedience to Father as well as harsh, authoritarian parenting....

For these reasons, my 70 year old father still demands absolute obedience from me despite the fact that I am almost 38 years old. My father's attempts to continue parenting me might also have something to do with the fact that I am not "successful" compared to my younger sister who is a medical doctor and my younger brother who is a lawyer....

 

[lben]

Iben, I guess you completely missed the part where I said that I am being verbally abused....

I read that part. I understood that part.

I grew up with verbal and physical abuse. I could do nothing right if my life had depended on it, or at least that's what I was told on a daily basis. I married an abusive man because that was all I knew.

Now I avoid people who are like that, including my own family (though my parents and ex-spouse are dead), I do have a sister who is one of the nastiest people I know, and a daughter who watched the abuse while she was growing up. I don't go out of my way to go around any of them.

If you aren't doing anything to provoke his behavior, my suggestion is to avoid him. Eventually, he might come around and realize that belittling your children is not the way to be.

 

[Dave-W]

Eventually, he might come around and realize that belittling your children is not the way to be.

At age 70 that is unlikely.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

At age 70 that is unlikely.

I agree with DaveW. My 70 year old father is unlikely to stop belittling me. Narcissistic people need just ONE target....I am the easy target....eldest son who is unsuccessful (at least in my father's eyes). My father doesn't really need to belittle my sister (the medical doctor) or my brother (the lawyer). My narcissistic father just needs ONE target....and I am his target.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I encourage you to move out and become more independent. Distance yourself from your father and avoid interaction. Set up some boundaries. If he starts belittling you, say "Thank you for your opinion" and leave it at that. I agree that his behavior is inappropriate but unlikely to change at this point.