39 & new to being single...advice please..

[Crystalp8]

Of course like I always say,I like to direct people to read my story so people can get a general idea of where I'm coming from. Long story short...I got out of a very bad relationship about a month ago. It's hit me very hard & damaged my self esteem. I get lonely too,but the thought of dating right now scares me to death. I want to wait on the Lord for a man he's prepared for me. But how will I know him when I see him? Does god really call some people to be alone? That's what I'm afraid of to be honest. In time,I want a family setting again. But how long to wait? Will the Lord really have someone set aside for me? Or does he leave it to us to pick? I just have so many questions right now. Learning to be single again.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Crystal ... welcome to CF.
1st I'd say not to worry about dating right now. Sounds like it would be good to do some healing before considering another relationship. Sometimes its said if you can enjoying living alone and being with your friends then your ready for a relationship. So right now think more about getting there than when the next relationship comes along.

 

[pdudgeon]

absolutely agree. The first thing is to get your bearings as a single person first. It takes time to recover and find your balance, and especially your self esteem (which always takes a hit when break-ups occur).

Secondly, figure out how to get through the major holidays as a single. Major holidays aren't the time to try out new romances. Most holidays have enough going on as it is (plus being family oriented) without that overload.

There are two good seasons to start over: Fall and Spring.
Each one has lots of opportunities for new beginnings built in, so it makes blending into a new-to-you scene a bit easier to manage.

 

[JAM2b]

When you no longer have these questions and know what you want and what to look for, you will be ready. If you are still asking and still upset by these concerns, you are not there yet. Just heal, rest, and live your life as best as you can right now.

 

[Servant68]

It varies among individuals but the general rule is six months to a year before dating after a failed marriage.

The healing process is different for all of us, but jumping back into another relationship without the value of fully reflecting upon and coming to terms with what caused the last to fail can be toxic to the next relationship.

 

[pdudgeon]

It varies among individuals but the general rule is six months to a year before dating after a failed marriage.

The healing process is different for all of us, but jumping back into another relationship without the value of fully reflecting upon and coming to terms with what caused the last to fail can be toxic to the next relationship.

fully agree with this.^^^ jumping back into another relationship for the convenience and comfortable security that it offers only sets you up to repeat the same mistakes from the first relationship that were never dealt with.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

> But how will I know him when I see him?

You won't.

35 years ago there was a great pop band called "Talk Talk." One of their early releases was named "It's My Life." The first line was (IMO) one of the most brilliant lines ever written about relationships: "Funny how I find myself in love with you." What a story that paints! But that's how it works. You hang around someone a few times, no plans for a relationship, not even on the radar, and then, one day, there it is, staring you right in the face: You're in love.

 

[blackribbon]

Actually, real love is when they annoy the heck out of you and although you have given up on trying to fix him, you still can't imagine wanting to be with someone else. Don't get married until you get to this point.

Also, I recommend that you don't date until you are at peace with the idea of being alone forever. Otherwise you are likely to make some compromises from the fear of being alone.

 

[Ronit]

Actually, real love is when they annoy the heck out of you and although you have given up on trying to fix him, you still can't imagine wanting to be with someone else. Don't get married until you get to this point.

Also, I recommend that you don't date until you are at peace with the idea of being alone forever. Otherwise you are likely to make some compromises from the fear of being alone.

I know this advice wasn't for me, but I really like it and it's given me some hope.
Thank you for that advice because I'm at that point.
Thank you