36 and what is this life I don't even...

Eternum

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I wrote about some of it here, but basically I'm just looking to other 30-somethings for some kind of basis of what actually goes on in the 30s.

The ones I've known growing up were high stress, high miserable, all work no play. Now that I'm in this adult life, I'm in such a weird place. I've been a loner most of my life from circumstances not of my choosing. I'm a lot stronger psychologically than most around me, and I'm spiritually stronger than everyone around me.

But I have fun. Too old to play video games? Please. I don't want to lose that childlike sense of wonder and imagination with the world. I feel like that's what everyone in my life has tried to take so I can be as miserable as they are.

I also have M.E.. So I pretty much figure I will always be single. When I managed to have relationships earlier in life, it wasn't equal. I was carrier of the emotional labor and maker of all big decisions. The guy also wanted me to be an equal in making money. And of course, as relationship went on he'd think about wanting kids without making any real commitments himself, which the unspoken expectation was I'd be primary caretaker of kids too. The expectations just kept piling on. I was not a fan.

And they ALL argued with me about trying to have sex before marriage.

At least this illness filters out the fakes so fast now. All the people--friends or otherwise--who can't hack it don't make it past the initial introduction.

So my life is very sparse of people right now, but it's also the most honest it's ever been.
 
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Yennora

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What games do you play? I have a friend who plays an F2P game with me and we managed to make a very good team. I think she will be happy to have a new member in the team. (A consistent team, that is, we expect each others to be online at particular times.. sadly I hadn't played with her for a while now, my first final semester exam is today afternoon :( And I think she is busy too but I think we might start playing again in a week from now or something) [The game is a history based game. It has a touch of indirect violence like blowing up tanks and aircrafts but no direct blood or violence in what we play. Telling you in case you decided to join]

I read your story and you are quite an inspiration. I also read about the part where some think you are not even a Christian.

I know that Mormons go through a lot of pain. Sadly, I was one of those who misunderstood Mormons one day. But not anymore. God united me with one of the best persons I have ever met in my life nearly 8 years ago (he is a Mormon). This friend was to me a powerful representation of the role model Christian (and still!). Back when we met eachothers I wasn't yet born again and I had to lie to him a lot about my life and I was deceitful with him, then when I started knowing Christ I started changing and later I told him about the truth, and guess what? He was so accepting and our relationship even grew more. And that's why I changed my view on Mormons, because of that friend and a couple of other inspirations like Lindsey Stirling! :p

Thank God I grew up out of this, now I try to examine people by their actions not by hearsay. (When it comes to who to accept or reject as a friend) And even in my everyday life interactions. I have a criteria to avoid or to approach others. I think respect, kindness, honesty and transparency matter the most.

Anyway, I need to sleep because of that exam :( But I'm glad we have you on CF. Share more of your experiences please because you sound like a very good example to follow!
 
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Eternum

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Good luck on your exam! Thanks a lot for taking the time to read and respond, and for the extremely kind words. Really appreciate it. :D

Do you mind if I ask what your exam was about?

I would definitely be up for some gaming! This game sounds like War Thunder or something similar. :eek: My brother loves World of Tanks and we both love historical games. If he hasn't played this game yet you're talking about, I might see if both of us will join if that'd be cool?

Otherwise I play all kinds of games. Been playing since Super Mario Bros. and moved on to PC during Starcraft days. So I play strategy, FPS, looter shooter like Warframe, RPGs, open-world... love 'em all. But since I moved on to PC I'm not as good at platformers or metroidvania's as I used to be.

How about you? :D

While I do agree a lot of Mormons go through a lot of pain, I wouldn't say it's any worse than anyone else who is trying to be humble in a world full of pride. I would say you are someone who has gone through a lot of pain too. I make it more general like that since I find that pride has no religious boundaries, and every human I've encountered resists the discomfort of humility.

You also know how uncomfortable humility feels. It took a lot of humility and courage to honor the changes you were making in the face of what you could lose, opening up to your friend. Yet you still chose it. :)

I relate a lot to your story of being born again. Before I had that, there was a lot of dishonesty in my life. Lies were encouraged by everyone around me in school, work, home. So was pride.

I'm really glad you've had a friend like that over the years! It's tough to find people who will stick around, much less encourage us to continue to be better. They're keepers. :D

I really enjoy Lindsey Stirling's work too. Any particular favorites?

I think respect, kindness, honesty and transparency matter the most.

Quoted for agreement and truth!
 
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Yennora

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Thank you! The exam was about artificial intelligence, mostly classifiers used in machine learning and a few other topics. But mainly classifiers.

YES! War Thunder is it. Good guess! :'D
And of course he would be welcomed in! Finally I can play some 2v2 :p
My nickname in WT is Yennora feel free to add me anytime you guys are ready.

I assume you played it before? If so, what rank did you unlock so far?

Otherwise I play all kinds of games. Been playing since Super Mario Bros. and moved on to PC during Starcraft days. So I play strategy, FPS, looter shooter like Warframe, RPGs, open-world... love 'em all. But since I moved on to PC I'm not as good at platformers or metroidvania's as I used to be.

How about you? :D

That's cool! I started playing games since I was little on an Atari and then psx -> ps2 -> ps3 -> finally built my own PC.

I play mostly simulators/simulator-like now; Me playing WT has its roots in my love of aviation. I also play Nintendo sometimes only for Rhythm Heaven. (A game where you can play racquet and score near a 100% accuracy without looking at the monitor XD) It features a bunch of rhythm-based mini-games.
This is one mini-game: (so childish I know but a lot of fun lol)

While I do agree a lot of Mormons go through a lot of pain, I wouldn't say it's any worse than anyone else who is trying to be humble in a world full of pride. I would say you are someone who has gone through a lot of pain too. I make it more general like that since I find that pride has no religious boundaries, and every human I've encountered resists the discomfort of humility.

You also know how uncomfortable humility feels. It took a lot of humility and courage to honor the changes you were making in the face of what you could lose, opening up to your friend. Yet you still chose it. :)

Ahhh humility is just hard. I fail to be humble with anyone that is not close to me. (mostly particular family-members, close friends and a few people I love and/or respect)

I try to be humble to neutral/positive people because they deserve no bad. But when it comes to disrespectful/unfair people I really turn into a very bad stubborn to deal with, which is something that I should try to rework. I talked about it here.

I relate a lot to your story of being born again. Before I had that, there was a lot of dishonesty in my life. Lies were encouraged by everyone around me in school, work, home. So was pride.

I'm really glad you've had a friend like that over the years! It's tough to find people who will stick around, much less encourage us to continue to be better. They're keepers. :D

Yes, he is a blessing and he restored my faith in humanity many times. I don't deserve him though.

I'm glad you found your way out to the light! The best thing that happened ever to me was knowing Christ.

I really enjoy Lindsey Stirling's work too. Any particular favorites?

I don't really listen to any of her works because I'm not a fan of the genres she plays (as far as I listened) but I like her words and I like her as a person, she has a unique sense of innocence that you can hardly find in most "musicians" today. She is extremely energetic as well and honest in what she does. Not to mention her loyalty to those she loves that she shows in honouring them.

Can you recommend a favourite from her recent works? (I hadn't checked any of them)
 
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Eternum

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That sounds heckin' fascinating. I don't know much about AI, but always willing to learn. That's a vast field. I'd ask questions, but I figure you want a mental break first. :p

Actually never played WT before, but I have a couple friends who have tried it out. Most of them went on to Planetside 2 since they're less about history and more about mechanics, balance, smooth play and technical aspects like that.

Oof, you play the simulations, my one weakness, haha. Actually, I probably would try them if I felt I had the time to really sit down and learn them. I've heard about how amazing the aviation ones are. Even so, I love watching the truck, train, and farming simulators on streams.

Childish? Psh, fun is fun. I have a Final Fantasy rhythm game for 3DS. You might enjoy OSU! then. It's free, and for PC. I have enjoyed it a lot when I need a break between work things:


I try to be humble to neutral/positive people because they deserve no bad. But when it comes to disrespectful/unfair people I really turn into a very bad stubborn to deal with, which is something that I should try to rework. I talked about it here.

You received a lot of great advice and suggestions already. :) Like many have said, you just sound human to me. You're in your early 20s, and you sound like you're still getting to know yourself. As you come to accept who you are, and ground yourself in your faith, you will gain a lot more ease not just in social situations, but in allowing yourself to have the "me time" you need.

Ever hear of Myers-Briggs Type Indicator? It's considered pseudo-science, but it does get into more of the extrovert/introvert dichotomy. My favorite little quiz for it is here. I'm very curious what you type as.

The thing that stuck out to me is the moral dilemma you wrote about. I also had this, and I have also given in to fear before too. Personally, I've regretted it. To quote Holocaust survivor Simon Wiesenthal: “For evil to flourish, it only requires good men to do nothing.”

That said, I also don't just recklessly throw myself at a situation. It's fine to take a moment to consider strategy and tactics, say a prayer, and set your focus.

In general, keeping Christ at the center of your life will inspire great actions. :D

Can you recommend a favourite from her recent works? (I hadn't checked any of them)

Ah, not a dubstep fan? Haha, that's fine. I like a lot of her older stuff, like this (not dubstep):


I feel like, unfortunately, I have seen Lindsey Stirling become more of a "sellout" as her fame has risen. That said, the things she went through to get there and the fact she's felt different from others on many levels in the past (eating disorder, religion, poor, etc), she does beyond amazing to stay true to herself in what is arguably the most predatory and worldly environment that exists: entertainment.
 
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Yennora

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Oh no that's fine! I'm ready to answer any questions :'D I don't even study continuously due to ADHD so I tend to take a lot of study breaks.

I also checked Planetside 2 out and it looks cool, maybe I will give it a try if I feel I want to play an FPS game.

I checked the OSU video and the music is really beautiful, I think the music has a Japanese touch to it? (I just checked their website and yes! The music featured in this game is based off Japanese songs, I have a friend whom I think will love this game too, he is fascinated with the Japanese culture)

I tried the test and here are the result: (the biggest region has "humanity" as its label)
Funnily enough the program told me that I was hard to characterize twice and it gave me 10 extra questions. This just proves my point, I'm paradoxical lol.
(just checked it out, INFJ (Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging))
Yup, that sounds like me!
t14.png

Yes, I agree that it is a dilemma. But the quote you shared is powerful and true “For evil to flourish, it only requires good men to do nothing.” And I have to admit that I saw this happen effectively, when good people team up against evil, evil backs off. However, I wish if it was that easy in a country where the majority are oppressive.

Good choice for Lindsey's music video! Yup, that's more pure violin. I'm not a fan of Dubstep as you said.
 
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Yennora

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I would also like to say that your social skills are fascinating. The way you write your messages and care about the small details yet you can keep it clear and short and you end up with a post that encourages me to write more (which is something that I shouldn't do because I understand you are busy). I'm quite shocked your life is sparse of people as you wrote in the OP. But this reminds of a conversation I had with my friend yesterday, we sort of agreed that people don't look for goodness anymore. Check this. (short post) But it is quite true.

Anyway, if you want my advice, remain the way you are! You are brilliant. Even if it will take time to attract the good ones, quality was always and will always be better than quantity. :)
 
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Eternum

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Oh no that's fine! I'm ready to answer any questions :'D I don't even study continuously due to ADHD so I tend to take a lot of study breaks.

Haha, oh good, 'cause I got lots. :p I'll start with one though. Classifiers. How do they work?

I also checked Planetside 2 out and it looks cool, maybe I will give it a try if I feel I want to play an FPS game.

Ah, there are so many great games out there you don't have to play anything you feel only lukewarm about. I'm more curious if you have a Steam account?

(just checked it out, INFJ (Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging))
Yup, that sounds like me!

lol, welcome to the rarest personality in the world. :p That's also why the quiz may have had a difficult time characterizing you. Most people feel pretty different from other people in one form or another, but if you've ever felt like you straight-up perceive the world differently from others? Have really different concerns? You're probably not wrong.

And I have to admit that I saw this happen effectively, when good people team up against evil, evil backs off. However, I wish if it was that easy in a country where the majority are oppressive.

Oof, you and me both. What especially concerns me is that oppression comes in so many different flavors and colors. You have the Nazi Germany variety that you wrote about as a great example. You have the radical extremism going on in the Middle East. You got what's going on in many first-world countries. There's this sort of slow and careful creep where bits and pieces of our rights and privacy are being taken away. In some instances we're being convinced/tricked it's for our own convenience, or we're trading it for technology.

This is a huge thing I could get into though, so I'll leave it at that, haha.

I would also like to say that your social skills are fascinating. The way you write your messages and care about the small details yet you can keep it clear and short and you end up with a post that encourages me to write more (which is something that I shouldn't do because I understand you are busy). I'm quite shocked your life is sparse of people as you wrote in the OP. But this reminds of a conversation I had with my friend yesterday, we sort of agreed that people don't look for goodness anymore. Check this. (short post) But it is quite true.

Anyway, if you want my advice, remain the way you are! You are brilliant. Even if it will take time to attract the good ones, quality was always and will always be better than quantity. :)

Thanks for the super kind words again. :D I'm a writer at heart. I can tell you are too. And sometimes you click with someone, find them easy to talk with. I find you're easy to connect to as well! So the feeling is mutual. :D:D

Thanks for the link to that post. I absolutely agree, though more importantly I appreciate how you opened up about your journey in learning that personally. It takes a lot to admit, "Hey, I was that kind of person at one time."

I was blind in a different way as a teenager. I assumed people wouldn't stick around for long, so I didn't put much thought into how I treated them. I didn't say things that I felt. So even when I did care for them, it didn't cross my mind to communicate it. I didn't expect people to be psychic, I just didn't realize how much I kept to myself. I had this epiphany after some psychological training, lots of spiritual growth, and circumstances in life hit, and I started telling people (and showing them) how I felt about them. It was weird to me, felt really vulnerable. Took a lot of humility. But my connections with people got a lot closer.

I don't think you'll have too much trouble finding that soul-to-soul connection, and I'm glad you're looking for it. The kind of person you are? You would thrive in that kind of connection.

I have a bazillion more questions, but I'll leave it at this for now.
 
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Yennora

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I apologize for the delay in my reply, I have 3 exams coming in a row :( (with the first of them tomorrow) but hopefully those are the last 3 exams.

Haha, oh good, 'cause I got lots. :p I'll start with one though. Classifiers. How do they work?

A classifier's main job is to use its present knowledge in predicting unknown knowledge. Like us humans, if a teacher shows us 2 solved examples and 1 unsolved (all on the same topic), we get the unsolved one by ourselves. The ability to use learnt information effectively is the core.

We simply give them historical data. (for instance, a file containing a list of diabetes tests on several people alongside the results) And the classifier decides whether a new person has diabetes or not based on those previous tests and results. There are a lot of different algorithms for how the data is learnt.

And that's why we call it artificial intelligence perhaps, because computers can now learn on their own without the need of us developers telling them what to do in new situations. (I like how Christ used parables instead of just declaring rules, it is a complement to humans from God I would say, he believes in our intelligence)

However AI is not limited in this concept of inductive learning. AI can group similar entities together (clustering or unsupervised learning) for instance. And I think this could be a reason some might not like the name "Artificial Intelligence".

(note that I'm answering in terms of my knowledge as a student, I'm still learning myself. But you can depend on my answer for your question, how do classifiers work)

I'm more curious if you have a Steam account?

Yes, my steam nickname is Mikhaelo, with an ogre-faced spider avatar. Will be happy to have you as a friend!

Most people feel pretty different from other people in one form or another, but if you've ever felt like you straight-up perceive the world differently from others?

Yeah, I felt that before and this feeling is painful at times because one can hardly relate with others and that in itself is a form of indirect alienation. But I'm fine with it for now, I'm an introvert anyway so it is not that painful. Might I ask what personality did the program classify you as?
(By the way, thank you for sharing the quiz! I read about INFJ and I can relate powerfully, I think I need to read about it more)

What especially concerns me is that oppression comes in so many different flavors and colors. You have the Nazi Germany variety that you wrote about as a great example. You have the radical extremism going on in the Middle East.

I relate, especially as a Coptic Christian. Egypt is not home for us with direct/indirect and continuous oppression and persecution under the Islamic Sharia law (not only Christians, also other non-Muslims including atheists/agnostics and Jews that were exiled out of Egypt under the fascist Gamal Abdel Nasser. As well as women (Muslim or not) being seen as inferior and plenty of other atrocities). But recently Christians were the biggest focus (and historically since the Islamic invasion in the 7th century) because they are more pronounced and because Jews were exiled so we are the ones left. (atheists/agnostics from a Christian background too) A main reason is naming. In Egypt there is a clear visible difference between Christian and Muslim names. i.e: Maria vs Salma, Mina vs Ahmed. (left Christian)

Women also face heavy sexism and hence they are suffering the same magnitude of terrorism as Christians, however women without Hijab/Burqa more. (mostly Christians or open minded Muslims or atheists/agnostics)

If you ever think of travelling, I really would never advise you to go to that place, check this out: Lebanese tourist sentenced to eight years in prison for Facebook post against Egypt - Reuters

She was sexually harassed and faced disrespect and theft, and none of those who attacked her was arrested. But when she complains about it she gets some 8 years in jail. (it was 11 but they reduced it when they knew that she suffers a mental condition, bunch of fools)

And where are the human rights organizations? That's why I don't believe in the UNHRC anymore, I don't believe in most if not all major international human rights organizations. However, as a Christian, I cannot simply go on my social media accounts and condemn actions of violence against minorities because the results are not fun. (as you saw in Mona's case) And because it is not feasible! They don't listen to anyone and so long as there are no external forces (like the useless UN), they don't intend to stop. But I use the weapon of prayer and I believe that God hears, and maybe one day I will be able to make a difference, I'm just not yet that able in terms of many aspects.

I was blind in a different way as a teenager. I assumed people wouldn't stick around for long, so I didn't put much thought into how I treated them. I didn't say things that I felt. So even when I did care for them, it didn't cross my mind to communicate it. I didn't expect people to be psychic, I just didn't realize how much I kept to myself. I had this epiphany after some psychological training, lots of spiritual growth, and circumstances in life hit, and I started telling people (and showing them) how I felt about them. It was weird to me, felt really vulnerable. Took a lot of humility. But my connections with people got a lot closer.

I relaaaaaaate! I was so greedy with my feelings to others as well but hopefully I changed too. I later found out that my change was vital for my mom's wellbeing. I also started reading in psychology a lot which contributed to my philosophical and moral grounds. As someone who was mistreated by teachers back in school because of my mental condition, I know how terrible it is for one to be ignorant of psychological disorders. (but hopefully mom was brittle on those teachers :))

I don't think you'll have too much trouble finding that soul-to-soul connection, and I'm glad you're looking for it. The kind of person you are? You would thrive in that kind of connection.

I have a bazillion more questions, but I'll leave it at this for now.

Thank you! That's so kind. I will try. One of the good lessons I was taught was not to hide in my cave when opportunities come by. And as you wrote, when we care for others (and are interested in them as well) we should always communicate it.

You can ask all the questions you would like to ask :) But I will ask questions too! :'P
 
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Yennora

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O-M-G. I just wrote an essay!

Look, you don't have to read that all, and you don't have to address everything when replying. I understand that you are busy. Take your time to respond. (Don't feel obligated to reply in time or in detail if that will affect your personal time/schedule)

I feel guilty now :(
 
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