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30 and don't think I want kids (but feel bad about it)

Discussion in 'MILLENNIALS (1981 to 1998)' started by Observer, Nov 18, 2017.

  1. Observer

    Observer Observer

    576
    +69
    Australia
    Christian Seeker
    In Relationship
    Hey thirty somethings,

    I'm a 30 year old... girl... no... "woman" who got divorced this year after an 8 year abusive marriage. I'm now in a serious relationship.

    So I've always been terrified of having kids and never felt that pull at all. My ex husband said he'd leave me if I got pregnant and it was one of his biggest fears, but it wasn't an option anyway due to me being the sole income earner and that the relationship was toxic. But even when I was younger and before the relationship got so bad, I still never had any interest. So, I was very careful with birth control and never got pregnant.

    My ex now has a baby with someone he met and had a casual encounter with which turned into a relationship. I was technically the child's step mother for a while! So that, along with my age, adds to my confusion. Almost everyone I've known has kids.

    I love my boyfriend, we are 100% committed and we have such a healthy and beautiful relationship. And that only reminds me of how much I don't want kids. I don't want to give up our freedom, I had very abnormal teens/20s and did not have freedom. Now I finally have it and I'm already biologically over the hill (bell curve) of fertility (if I'm fertile at all, never tried to get pregnant). I feel pressured by my age, society and family to have kids.. but I'm happy with my life as it is.

    I don't feel any warm feelings towards kids that I can tell, never had a day dream about anything child related... the thought of a child controlling my day seems truly awful. It just seems like work and I already work a demanding job assisting people with disabilities... that feels like the opposite of what I want in my personal life. I know it all makes me seem cold hearted and not womanly, but I'm a warm person and a passionate partner.. I just can't see what other women see. I love the thought of being a home maker and taking care of my man, just hate the thought of having kids.

    So I could just say well it's not for me and move on but I feel abnormal and torn about it. It'd be good to give my family grandchildren and maybe I'll regret not having them when I'm much much older. Plus people just act like it's a woman's destiny and you're not a fully developed person until you have a kid. But... I still hate the idea of sacrificing my life for it. I also have mental and physical health issues that could worsen due to having children and could pass things onto a child (but probably nothing much more serious than the average person has, I don't know, bit I don't think my genes need to be passed on, put it that way.. and my boyfriend and I both have OCD)

    It's getting to me...

    Thanks for reading
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2017
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  2. Lightsway

    Lightsway New Member

    82
    +32
    Australia
    Christian
    Private
    Doesn't sound like there's any problem to me
     
  3. LaSorcia

    LaSorcia Vanitas Staff Member Purple Team - Moderator Supporter

    +34,033
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Private
    It's certainly not a sin to not want children. I never wanted children either. The immense responsibility for the destiny of another human being is daunting, to say the least. But God intervened, and I now have two wonderful children and I'm glad I do. I didn't even start having children until my thirties, and I had my second in my forties, so I wouldn't worry too much about your age. :)
     
  4. OldWiseGuy

    OldWiseGuy Wake me when it's soup. Supporter

    +8,328
    United States
    Protestant
    Single
    US-Others
    It's good for some to decline parenthood. There are too many people on earth as it is. Sadly though it is often those who could provide nicely for their children who don't have them while the poor aren't constrained at all by their lack of this ability.
     
  5. Philip_B

    Philip_B all shall be well and all shall be well and ... Supporter

    +4,604
    Australia
    Anglican
    Married
    We don't all have a need to breed. God has created us as a species with some significant diversity. The Tudor obsession with succession did not do them a lot of good in the end. There is way more to life than birth copulation and death. Stay focussed on the things that drive your passion, and make time for the relationship that presents itself now. You don't have to manipulate where it goes, life is journey, not simply destination.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2017
  6. Hank77

    Hank77 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +11,243
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Others
    Would you be having children for the wrong reasons? :rolleyes:

    Just my 2 cents worth...
    I am 65 and have four grown children. My oldest girl, 46, knew she didn't want to have children of her own since she was a teen and she hasn't. She loves kids and kids love her. It's one thing to have fun with them, buy them presents, and share your knowledge with them, it's another thing to be responsible for their every moment. She has never been sorry but then she knows herself well. She is an amazing Christian woman and much loved by family and friends.
     
  7. OldWiseGuy

    OldWiseGuy Wake me when it's soup. Supporter

    +8,328
    United States
    Protestant
    Single
    US-Others
    While my son and daughter both have children (one boy, two girls between them) my brother and sister's children (one niece and three nephews) remain unmarried with no plans to have a family. My grandson alone is left carry on our family name.
     
  8. Bluerose31

    Bluerose31 Christian Flower Supporter

    +6,569
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    I never want to have kids. I feel this world is too cruel to have children, personally. It is okay if you do not want to have children. You don't have to.
     
  9. Way_to_Galway

    Way_to_Galway New Member

    5
    +9
    United States
    Christian Seeker
    Married
    I sympathize with your decision and can totally relate to expectations that we "should" procreate, particularly by those who already were successful in having children. You should be congratulated for overcoming some emotional challenges and enjoy this time with your partner. It might also be wise for you to work on focusing on healing the trauma you endured, rather than lose yourself in childrearing (there is time for that later, even if you don't raise a biological child).

    My husband and I were also married in a Catholic church, where we had to sign a commitment form promising that we would raise our children in the faith. At the time, I was not opposed to raising children in the faith, but then as well as now, I know I have had grave reservations about my ability to be a mother given a variety of issues, mostly related to health.

    My friends are on their second or third children and they love to tell me "it's never a good time to have children". They say this as they own houses, have secure employment, savings, and parents willing/able to help with childcare. It would have been nicer if they didn't press the issue, not sure why people feel compelled to do it.
     
  10. Lizgee

    Lizgee New Member

    34
    +38
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Republican
    I can empathize to some extent. I am 30, divorced and my ex husband absolutely wanted a child, but I was not ready. Here I am, several years later and still fear bringing another life into this world. I am not ready to care for a human being or sacrifice my “freedom”. On the other hand, I see others with families, and my heart longs for that. It’s very confusing for me.

    Everyone’s desires are different. It certainly is not “bad” that you may not have that desire. It goes against the social norms, which is what I’ve had to accept but we need to remember that Christ defines us, not life choices. Find peace in His calling for your life. You are the only one who knows what that is. I hope this encourages you. :heartpulse:
     
  11. Ronit

    Ronit Active Member

    388
    +196
    United States
    Messianic
    Single
    I've been there. I totally get it you are not alone. Keep trusting God
     
  12. NerdGirl123

    NerdGirl123 New Member

    95
    +68
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Bottom line: If you don't WANT kids, why on earth would you HAVE kids? Don't apologize or feel inferior or wrong for your feelings. There is absolutely nothing wrong with NOT having children. If your heart changes one day, then so be it. If not, that's fine, too.

    You're not abnormal. I hope you can stop feeling torn about it. Children should always be wanted. Children deserve to be loved and cherished. It doesn't make you seem cold-hearted or unwomanly to me at all. Anyone who treats you that way is wrong for doing so. And that includes you. Don't beat yourself up over this, either.
     
  13. sea5763

    sea5763 Well-Known Member

    763
    +616
    United States
    Protestant
    Single
    Nvm
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2020 at 4:18 PM
  14. Joined2krist

    Joined2krist Well-Known Member

    827
    +664
    Catholic
    Single
    I always wanted kids of my own but I don't have them. It's okay not to want kids, if God wants you to have them he will change your mind.
     
  15. NerdGirl123

    NerdGirl123 New Member

    95
    +68
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    That sounds like a wise decision then. You know yourself, your body, your mind, and what you can handle, better than anyone else.
     
  16. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❤️ Supporter

    +6,505
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    There are some who malign the childless or child-free persons as selfish and uncharitable. They assume the absence of children is meant to support indulgence and materialism. But I disagree and I have a child.

    Children need loving and stable environments with healthy parents who welcome their presence and are committed to their upbringing. Its hard work with lots of sacrifice. You need to understand what you're taking on before you do it.

    ~Bella
     
  17. WrappedUpinHisLove3

    WrappedUpinHisLove3 Well-Known Member

    720
    +288
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Private
    Wow- i relate to this. OCD sufferer, history of being abused and havenever had that pull either. i dont feel any guilt because i can find nowhere int he Bible where we are commanded to have kids. i think the Church judges us because we are different from most women who do want children. we are not in sin, we have just been made tp believe that we are
     
  18. anewday

    anewday This girl is on fire.

    +623
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I never had a strong desire to have children. I've worked with kids for years and love it, but also love coming home to a quiet place. I turned 40 last year and am now reconsidering having kids. I've been trying to be honest with myself and if I wasn't in an abusive marriage I would have considered it. My husband wanted kids, but soon after marrying him and realizing too late what I got myself into, I told God to protect me and the heartache of having a child in a troubled marriage. Now that I filed divorce, I'm looking forward to a brighter and happier future, with or without kids. That is my long way of saying there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids.
     
  19. NerdGirl123

    NerdGirl123 New Member

    95
    +68
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    I know it's a bit off topic, but perhaps you could consider foster parenting in the future? No age limit for that!
     
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