29 & Never Dated

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myst33

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this man will need someone who can accept and care for his emotions anyway, so he might as well use that as the bait to catch the more simpleminded empathetic fish who just wants to raise a family.
I think there are two main general types of women in dating:

a) the mother type
- they want to take care about their boyfriend/husband, almost like about a child
- attracted to troubled, emotional, weaker, younger, "cute" men
- these women need to feel that they are needed

b) the daughter type
- they want men to take care of them and to lead them
- attracted to strong, established, masculine, powerful, rich or older men
- these women need to feel that they are safe
 
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bèlla

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Unfortunately, though the Internet is becoming more popular in meeting someone, it provides the paradox of choice. Imagine getting hundreds of messages in your inbox. It's a numbers game really....I've heard men complaining constantly...even well put together, well off men, struggling to even get a response online.

I don't think it should be the lone option for most. One of many tools is fine. As you've noted, its a question of odds. And bella the 'mentor' would say you have no business swimming in that pool unless the possibility of selection is great. Because the odds are against you. That goes for women and men.

By selection I'm not referencing a response. That's engagement. Selection goes beyond that stage. They're willing to meet you in person, get acquainted, or you've done it and they like what they see. I'm looking for consistent evidence of selection to determine the medium is working. And if you don't go forward it can't always be one-sided.

When a person demonstrates an ability to find the one the seeking in that environment and interact and move beyond that setting I'd encourage them to continue. But if there's little interaction or you never move beyond hello or the preliminaries I'd recommend alternatives. You play to win. If you're aren't winning in that space you have to try a different approach. The other isn't working.

I wish we could go back to the days on how our parents met. My parents met out and about, cold turkey approach by my dad. But back, then, women were more receptive to being approached. Now, it's gross to them pretty much. Most women have their blinders on, or gett his "Why is this person approaching me in public?!" look onher face. Almost as if she's being approached by a poor person on the street.

Don't believe that. They want to be bothered. But they don't welcome attention from everyone. That's what changed. She doesn't want you looking her way or saying anything if you aren't her type. Back in the day they weren't interested in everyone. But they were more polite. They wouldn't wound his ego they way they do now.

I don't think a woman has to talk to everyone that approaches her. But there's a way to say things. Courtesy matters.
 
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bèlla

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But sometimes its hard to bear if you meet a single that you could like, and there is some chemistry, but then find out one of these above issues about her that becomes a deal breaker now or later on when things get serious.

It's difficult if the need for companionship is greater than the goal. If you know you require certain things or can't live with specific elements you won't compromise. Because emotion and scarcity aren't in the drivers seat. And you've gotta believe you can get it. You'll be afraid to say no if you don't believe you'll have another opportunity.

You have to know your risk tolerance going in and your ability to wait. You shouldn't set a lofty goal if endurance is hard or the likelihood of attainment is scarce. It should be realistic with room for compromise.

The problem in most cases is the ask. Everyone has a list. But few take the time to consider it from the other's perspective. What does a man or woman like the one you described seek in their partner? And do you match it? This is how a lot of people get overlooked. They see the other's potential but there must be reciprocity. They have to see your value too in relation to them.

One of the ways you can determine if your targets are realistic is the response rate. Never mind the statistics. If you can't get a nibble it isn't just the Internet. You may be approaching someone who would never consider you otherwise. In this space or elsewhere.

That's why its important to pay attention to attractions. Who responds to you when you're not the initiator? If you're out and about who's noticing or trying to catch your eye or making small talk? That gives you some insight. People think they'll come online and magically nab the guy or girl they couldn't get elsewhere and it rarely happens.

Sometimes a lady can say that she has a boyfriend as a soft rejection. If a lady likes you enough and is looking to trade-up she might downplay or deny she has a bf all together.

Let me tell you something about hypergamy. The low level stuff isn't the real deal. They're wannabes. A woman who's in that game isn't interacting with men outside the sphere she's targeting. She's after a bigger catch and is willing to become what she needs to get him. She doesn't expect him to compromise. She becomes the package that's hard to resist.

All the talk about money and trading up is nonsense. No one wedded to that path is considering someone who doesn't have what they're seeking. They're contemplating them but the interest isn't returned. It's no different from someone looking at you that you'd never consider. Morality aside, everybody's biased.

ETA: Some people of that stripe get 'meantime' companions. People they deal with en route to their ideal. I don't agree with that either. It's deplorable.

We all scrutinize. Every one of us. I don't agree with gold digging. But you don't get a pass for chasing beauty either. Most of the gripes are the result of bruised egos. They can't get the one they want and don't want the one they can. "I deserve better than that."

The reason people downplay their circumstances or bend the truth is to avoid the conversation or negative reaction. Some people can't take no for an answer and think persistence is best. To avoid it they say they're with someone.
 
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linux.poet

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Hey! What's that supposed to mean
I don't understand what you don't understand. I meant what I said.

The first part is simple. Some people's emotions are affected by external circumstances on a daily basis, and so they tend to be emotionally simple. They stub their toe, and it is a negative emotion that can affect their whole day. They are missing a girlfriend, and it repeatedly discourages them.

By contrast, some people (such as myself) have emotions that are internal. That means it takes awhile for our emotions to register problems on the outside, if we ever do. These people can live for years without a girlfriend or boyfriend and it doesn't bother them.

But back, then, women were more receptive to being approached. Now, it's gross to them pretty much. Most women have their blinders on, or gett his "Why is this person approaching me in public?!" look onher face. Almost as if she's being approached by a poor person on the street.

Don't believe that. They want to be bothered. But they don't welcome attention from everyone. That's what changed.

It depends on where I'm at. If I'm at church, I'm going to be a lot more receptive to being approached than at chess club, and at the latter all approachers will be met with linux.poet's infamous Glare of Doom. Why? Because I think all the guys at chess club are unbelievers, and I don't think they are interested in marriage, but rather pumping and dumping. I tend to ignore comments that aren't about chess.

At the same time, I don't have a type, so I'll admit that it's plain unnerving when guys are like "hey lady you look hot" when I don't even know who you are. What matters is also how you approach me. I need to get to know guys first before romance is brought up. Having a normal conversation and asking to meet me again will go further than just cat calling and hoping for the best, because the latter will get you ignored. You need to establish that you are interested in me a person. Uteruses are a dime a dozen. Why do you want mine?
 
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DragonFox91

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I don't understand what you don't understand. I meant what I said.

The first part is simple. Some people's emotions are affected by external circumstances on a daily basis, and so they tend to be emotionally simple. They stub their toe, and it is a negative emotion that can affect their whole day. They are missing a girlfriend, and it repeatedly discourages them.

By contrast, some people (such as myself) have emotions that are internal. That means it takes awhile for our emotions to register problems on the outside, if we ever do. These people can live for years without a girlfriend or boyfriend and it doesn't bother them.
It's from YEARS of it not changing.
 
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bèlla

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@myst33 and @linux.poet raised important points that bear heeding.

I'd add a third type to the pair and label it friend. They're looking for a bff experience with him. They're driven by a need for acceptance.

It's wise to consider the kind of woman you're interested in light of that. For example, if you're looking for tradition they're not the mothering type. She's after security. You have to project that to attract her. She won't respond to the other romantically. She's not trying to heal or fix him. That's the others domain.

@Miles said something recently that bears repeating and touches on the second remark.

While I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm more even-keeled than the next person, I do try to keep things in perspective. God gets the credit for that. Continuing with the boat analogy, let's say this boat also has a sail. The evenness of its keel depends on the interplay between the wind, the waves, and how the sailor responds.

Sometimes, the boat leans heavily to one side while coming about and racing downwind. Skipping across the waves. At other times, there are unexpected gusts or the wind changes direction. I find that focusing on when to tack, when to jibe, and what to do with the sail is more interesting than remaining upset or accepting current circumstances as fate.


If I was single and he said that it would have grabbed my attention. It's wise and communicates steadiness. As a woman who values security I need that. I don't want him melting down or coming unglued. It's important to me that he keeps his head. I want him to stand firm and offer assurance and I'll give the same in return.

I'm sorry to put you on the spot. :)

I shared his words because it illustrates what linux was getting at. But it echoes the other point as well. It wouldn't resonate if I wasn't in the second group. Because it spoke to me.
 
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ThisIsMe123

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It depends on where I'm at. If I'm at church, I'm going to be a lot more receptive to being approached than at chess club, and at the latter all approachers will be met with linux.poet's infamous Glare of Doom. Why? Because I think all the guys at chess club are unbelievers, and I don't think they are interested in marriage, but rather pumping and dumping. I tend to ignore comments that aren't about chess.

I think you mean night clubs, not chess clubs. lol.

Because I think all the guys at chess club are unbelievers

ALL? Really?

Okay are you being serious or joking? Quite the generalization if you are serious, yes? I do a lot of board game nights with friends, routinely....so the fact that I'm being seen, routinely, will allow whatever ladies in the room become familiar with me over time. I don't have to necessarily meet women at church, in fat, it's mostly married people at my church...so...church isn't an option for me to meet other singles.
 
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bèlla

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ALL? Really?

I assumed her comment was based on the demographic it attracts and looked it up. Here's an article from an elite chess player who's a believer. I'll share a snippet here.

On the small planet where elite chess players dwell, very few people worship Jesus Christ. If anyone discovers that you’re one of those “superstitious,” “narrow-minded idiots,” you’re likely to see nasty comments accumulate on your Facebook fan page. On a regular basis, I receive emails from strangers lecturing me about the dangers of following Jesus. Out of pity or disgust, they wonder how I, the world’s second-ranked chess player, can be so “weak-minded.”

I think that proves her point.
 
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bèlla

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The chess community strikes me as the kind that would read advanced physics & other scientific books & base their belief on God or not on that. I can believe it.

I started watching The Queen's Gambit last year and I didn't get Christian vibes at all. Their intellect leads them elsewhere. I used to play online years ago and I never encountered a believer in that setting.
 
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ThisIsMe123

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The chess community strikes me as the kind that would read advanced physics & other scientific books & base their belief on God or not on that. I can believe it.

I find this to be too specific of a group to focus on. So are all ping pong players Buddhists? Or shuffle board players, are they all agnostic? I mean, can we get the data on each non-player sport that has a religous or non-religious affiliation?
 
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linux.poet

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I have experienced both "mother" and "daughter" romantic attractions at this point. I may be of the "friend" type in general due to how asexuality works, but when the attraction shows up, it can be one or the other.

ALL? Really?
I base it on the fact that it's California. Also, in a secular space I assume unbelief unless stated and proven otherwise. That is my default. The opposite is far too dangerous.

On the small planet where elite chess players dwell, very few people worship Jesus Christ. If anyone discovers that you’re one of those “superstitious,” “narrow-minded idiots,” you’re likely to see nasty comments accumulate on your Facebook fan page. On a regular basis, I receive emails from strangers lecturing me about the dangers of following Jesus. Out of pity or disgust, they wonder how I, the world’s second-ranked chess player, can be so “weak-minded.”
This is incorrect. Christianity increases the power of the intellect. It is the unbelievers who are weak in their brains and thus band together around the latest lie. All you have to do is go to Twitter to see that.

After reading Josh Waitzkin's The Art of Learning, I see numerous ways that Christianity could give a chess player an edge. Truth stabilizes the intellect and the emotions. Win or lose, I'm not dead and I'll be back - chess is not eternal stakes. It would help with emotional control in the face of cheaters, at least.

I used to play online years ago and I never encountered a believer in that setting.

You weren't looking.

[Christian Chess Community - Chess Club]
[Christian Chess World - Chess Club]
[Jesus Christ and His Disciples - Chess Club]
[Follow the Lord's way. - Chess Club]

These are all chess clubs on chess.com that are dedicated to Christianity and Christian players. That's the major ones that are obvious. There's another one called FRIENDS CHESS CLUB that seems to be Christian with over 3,000 members - Christian admin, location set to "Eternity". Christian Chess World has over 700 members, at least. (Also it was a group of Christian children that got me into online chess in the first place, so lol!)
 
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linux.poet

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From their about page. "Chess.com started in 2005." I came online in the early nineties. We played on Yahoo.
When the intel is out of date, it's out of date. :p There are plenty of Christian chess players of all skill levels, and ministry is a viable prospect in that medium.

However, those chess clubs I linked are no good for love hunting. It's difficult to socialize inside, as least for me. They are for organizing matches against other clubs and intra-club arenas, primarily. Also, educating people about chess. You'd have to break the mold and be aggressive about challenging people to games and breaking the ice.
 
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Juan777

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Read the story of Gideon and Joseph. Gideon sounded like a loser in the OT and God raised him to lead an army of 300 people to defeat the oppressive Midianites.
God may have a special name for you too like He did for Gideon. Joseph did not meet his wife in a long time. He was sold into slavery, falsely accused of rape and spent time in jail for a crime he did not commit. He eventually was the second in command in Egypt and had a wife which was the envy of ither guys.
 
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bèlla

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You'd have to break the mold and be aggressive about challenging people to games and breaking the ice.

I wouldn't go there looking for a man. If that was my angle I'd head to a golf course instead.
 
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linux.poet

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If that was my angle I'd head to a golf course instead.
I would only recommend that if you like playing golf. That game is incredibly boring otherwise. *pictures bella in a 1950s dress lining up a club for a swing*
 
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myst33

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I can't ever see one showing interest :( It seems very hopeless.
What do you think you are missing, exactly?

It seems you continue to ignore what today's relationships look like and how they are ending. We are not living in the 19th century. Most women today are not even attractive. Obesity, "I am a queen" mentality, promiscuity, feminism, the lack of father in their life (emotional instability), the need for a constant validation, alcohol, parties, drug abuse, naked photos saved in computers/phones of dozens or more men, tattoos or piercing everywhere, various mental health issues...

Or, do you want a type of girl that is statistically one in a hundred? The waiting queue is very, very long there. And even after that you will probably find out that its not what you imagined (or that you are not the compatible type of man for her).

I'm not good enough. None will ever be interested :(
Good enough in what sense? You must realize what type of woman you want and be the type of man they are interested in, if you have nothing better to do in life.
 
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