29 & Never Dated

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myst33

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I feel so terrible. I could never get a girl to like me. Her parents wouldn't approve of me. Her family wouldn't approve of me. Her friends wouldn't approve of me.

I don't believe it will happen for me & that makes me sad. :(
Why does it make you sad? Dating/marriage is not as great as it looks from the beginning. Its overpriced by media, movies, tv series and various narratives, even in churches.

Being single can make your life much better, much simpler and you much happier than being with a real woman. Men without a relationship/marriage tend to idealize women. But its not that good. If it was, most people would stay together, which is clearly something that is not happening.

Also, her family can be full of terrible people, her friends could be even worse. Maybe you would not approve them. Do not idealize it.
 
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bèlla

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I feel so terrible. I could never get a girl to like me. Her parents wouldn't approve of me. Her family wouldn't approve of me. Her friends wouldn't approve of me.

How can that be so? If you aren’t meeting anyone how can you assume you won’t be accepted by the others? If you’ve experienced rejection in the past your comment is understandable. But if its based on assumption you’re allowing fear to put thoughts in your head.

Your problem isn’t singleness or that you haven’t met someone thus far. Your problem is in that statement. You’re afraid of being rejected and that exacerbates your anxiety and sorrow. It’s why you’re up and down. Now you’re making proclamations against yourself.

That’s rejection talking not the truth. It’s the strongman. Everything else is the result of its presence. If you pray against rejection you’ll get rid of him and the rest and break their hold.

I would address it in this order: rejection, fear of rejection, heaviness, obsessive/compulsive spirits, and loneliness. You can reference my instructions for @RileyG and another member’s results.

Although you’re sad you haven’t descended into bitterness which is good. That’s probably because of your faith. You have to fill that empty space with the truth. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. I’m the righteousness in Christ and so on. You have to rebuild your self-esteem through the word to combat the lies you’re hearing/feeling.

Pray it for the remainder of the year and affirm the truth when the lies and doldrums come. You have to cast it down. You can’t speak against yourself or the other. You’re affirming a lie and agreeing with the outcome.

You can do this. You’ll feel much better afterward and see your situation differently. :)
 
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DragonFox91

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Why do you think this? Why wouldn't they approve of you? How perfect do you think the average joe who has a wife is? Lol. You're putting women/marriage on too high of a pedestal.
They may think I'm weird. :/
 
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Juan777

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Why does it make you sad? Dating/marriage is not as great as it looks from the beginning. Its overpriced by media, movies, tv series and various narratives, even in churches.

Being single can make your life much better, much simpler and you much happier than being with a real woman. Men without a relationship/marriage tend to idealize women. But its not that good. If it was, most people would stay together, which is clearly something that is not happening.

That depends on if it's a good match. Even if it's not, you get to go places with her and explore other sides of yourself. I've had two women in the past ex-wife and ex-gf (pure - intended to get married), and the great memories of the first (ie ex-gf) relationship outlived the break-up and created great disney-like memory-lane experiences. Good memories put a context in different locations.

You would also have to include the Bible in your list. God created Eve because His creation was not perfect without a woman being made from Adam. The Bible always says that someone who find a wife finds a good things and obtains favour from the Lord. You look at all the kings the Bible who ruled Israel, and you think women weren't involved? What about the Song of Solomon? Is the Bible also over-pricing this too?

The final thing, even if we assume what you are saying is right, then you really do need a negative so you can see a positive. That needs to come by experience otherwise it's just a cope. I've had negatives and I would still say that I'm better off as a whole that I was involved with women in the past compared to if I wasn't. If for no other reason than not making a thread complaining about not dating or meeting anyone at 46 years old - which would be worst than this thread!
 
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myst33

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That depends on if it's a good match. Even if it's not, you get to go places with her and explore other sides of yourself. I've had two women in the past ex-wife and ex-gf (pure - intended to get married), and the great memories of the first (ie ex-gf) relationship outlived the break-up and created great disney-like memory-lane experiences. Good memories put a context in different locations.

You would also have to include the Bible in your list. God created Eve because His creation was not perfect without a woman being made from Adam. The Bible always says that someone who find a wife finds a good things and obtains favour from the Lord. You look at all the kings the Bible who ruled Israel, and you think women weren't involved? What about the Song of Solomon? Is the Bible also over-pricing this too?

The final thing, even if we assume what you are saying is right, then you really do need a negative so you can see a positive. That needs to come by experience otherwise it's just a cope. I've had negatives and I would still say that I'm better off as a whole that I was involved with women in the past compared to if I wasn't. If for no other reason than not making a thread complaining about not dating or meeting anyone at 46 years old - which would be worst than this thread!
Well, if somebody is unable to make friends or to go through interesting things in life single, then dating can be seen as something "needed to go places and explore".

But I personally do not think it pays the costs of breaking up and of all the negative things leading to breaking up. Not to say divorce. Divorce is one of the worst life failures, mainly if kids are already there. The fact that somebody has nice photos from vacation does not make for it...

If the point you are making is that conflicts and struggles with women made you a better and more developed person, then its possible. But still, most people would prefer to develop in less damaging and less emotional way. Its like saying that serious health issues teach us to be more serious in life. Sure, but not exactly something one should go for (a serious illness).
 
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bèlla

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I've had negatives and I would still say that I'm better off as a whole that I was involved with women in the past compared to if I wasn't.

I agree. No one escapes the world unscathed. We all get our share of lemons. It's up to us to make some juice. I'm not defeatist. I've had challenges that others would pity me for undergoing that became my greatest breakthroughs down the road.

Fail hard fail fast is my motto. Just because I hit the ground doesn't mean I'll stop leaping. Sometimes you have to suck it up and keep going. That comes down to grit. How bad do you want it? Cause quitting is easy.

There's no greater failure than missing God's best for you! Endurance is a must.
 
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Juan777

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But I personally do not think it pays the costs of breaking up and of all the negative things leading to breaking up.

If you want something badly enough and have waited long enough that I think that would strongly mitigate the cost. In @DragonFox91 case, the way this thread is going and the way he sounds, it would be worth the cost, although we all hope that would not be the outcome. You think because you waited so long to find someone that she would be the right one and having a break-up is jarring since you don't know when or if you'll meet someone like that again.
 
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myst33

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If you want something badly enough and have waited long enough that I think that would strongly mitigate the cost. In @DragonFox91 case, the way this thread is going and the way he sounds, it would be worth the cost, although we all hope that would not be the outcome. You think because you waited so long to find someone that she would be the right one and having a break-up is jarring since you don't know when or if you'll meet someone like that again.
We must realize that we believe in many lies and we want many things "badly enough" that are not good for us.

I do not think that wanting a thing badly (on which one is not well informed about its value) mitigates the cost. Actually, I think it makes it worse. The disillusion after that, bitterness, pain, lies, constant conflicts, unfaithfulness, health damage, divorce problems, absurd alimony, restrictions from own children, false accusations and various life complications... This is the most frequent outcome of today's relationships, statistically.

So when some young men are desperate they are still single, its good to give them some more realistic image of what they are actually "missing", instead of fairy tales for children.
 
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bèlla

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You can focus on failed marriages or the ones who stuck it out. They exist. My friends are in their thirties and forties with families and they're still together. Most of them have family businesses and they're all believers. Everyone hasn't thrown in the towel or traded their spouse in for another option.
 
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Juan777

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We must realize that we believe in many lies and we want many things "badly enough" that are not good for us.

The Bible says its a good thing to have a wife. Passages like that were written AFTER the fall too - just for the record.

myst33 said:
I do not think that wanting a thing badly (on which one is not well informed about its value) mitigates the cost. Actually, I think it makes it worse. The disillusion after that, bitterness, pain, lies, constant conflicts, unfaithfulness, health damage, divorce problems, absurd alimony, restrictions from own children, false accusations and various life complications... This is the most frequent outcome of today's relationships, statistically.

We live in a fallen world and things do not always go as ideally intended.

Myst33 said:
So when some young men are desperate they are still single, its good to give them some more realistic image of what they are actually "missing", instead of fairy tales for children.

It is what the Bible says. It is not good for man to be alone. It's a good thing to have a wife and obtain favour from the Lord. It's not the natural order of things to remain single unless you have a gift of singleness or a calling where you should remain single since you won't be able to do ministry and provide for your family or give enough time for your wife.

If the Bible has such a positive view towards a godly marriage unless there is a serious and strong exception, then it is not a fairy tale.
 
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bèlla

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The Bible says its a good thing to have a wife. Passages like that were written AFTER the fall too - just for the record.

This is a little off-topic but I'm curious in light of your comments. If I asked what's your spiritual gift is what would you say? Faith comes to mind. But it doesn't hurt to ask. :)
 
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Juan777

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This is a little off-topic but I'm curious in light of your comments. If I asked what's your spiritual gift is what would you say? Faith comes to mind. But it doesn't hurt to ask. :)

I'm not sure with my spiritual gifts are. I'm very isolated and this is the first time that I have communicated with other like minded Christians in a long time apart from watching edifying devotional videos. This is the first feedback I've got from anyone, in a while, concerning spiritual gifts. You think I have a gift of faith based on my comments? I feel flattered that you think that. That is because I'm known by my parents for going into the deep end with my thoughts sometimes and its something I'd love to have. What is your spiritual gift?
 
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bèlla

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This is the first feedback I've got from anyone, in a while, concerning spiritual gifts.

I'm glad you found a venue for fellowship and hope your time here is edifying. :)

You think I have a gift of faith based on my comments? I feel flattered that you think that. That is because I'm known by my parents for going into the deep end with my thoughts sometimes and its something I'd love to have. What is your spiritual gift?

This is a helpful resource on spiritual gifts.

Here's the entry on faith: 1 Cor. 12:8-10 - to be firmly persuaded of God's power and promises to accomplish His will and purpose and to display such a confidence in Him and His Word that circumstances and obstacles do not shake that conviction.

You've demonstrated the above in your remarks. Especially when recounting previous experiences. That's why I asked.

I view spiritual gifts as a pie of sorts. You get a smattering of this and that which enables you to accomplish the mission God designed for your life. I often say discernment when asked. That was the first one I discovered. But the Holy Spirit had me ask for them all. I don't have them all. But I see several at work frequently.

Faith was the last to arrive. I would have never claimed it. You envision someone other than yourself for that one. But my aunt opened my eyes. She said my belief was solid. I've never doubted what He'll do or what He's promised. When He tells me something I believe Him. I didn't give it much thought but she said it wasn't the norm.
 
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linux.poet

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I still think this is a simple problem that isn’t worth overthinking. Man needs woman. Not everyone has deeply complex emotions with 20 intuitive layers. If your emotions are external, and you have an external problem - no girlfriend, no singles nearby - it will bug your emotions every day. (Similar to how my lack of economic motivation bugs my logical thinking brain every day, but that’s another discussion. :p ) This phenomenon is what this thread reflects.

Perhaps Mr. DragonFox should take his tale of woe and his flair for highly emotional storytelling to a Christian dating site with a forum in it. While in a dating setup Mr. DragonFox’s tale may inspire some criticism, it cannot be worse than the speculation over his mental health and his motives that he has already endured. In a marriage, this man will need someone who can accept and care for his emotions anyway, so he might as well use that as the bait to catch the more simpleminded empathetic fish who just wants to raise a family.
 
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bèlla

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Never encountering singles can only mean 3 things.

Every woman you see is with a man or on his arms.
Every woman you approach says she’s taken.
Everyone you know has no single friends.

If there’s no dialogue when you cross paths with a woman without company the above doesn’t apply. You can only know her status by asking directly or inquiring from others barring obvious displays of affection with the opposite sex.

I can see a homebody having this issue due to limited engagement or someone who’s afraid to approach the opposite sex and prefers a buffer.

Some men won’t approach a woman directly. Even if he finds her attractive. They’re scared or assume they’ll be turned down. They rely on introductions, familiar settings, or the Internet to meet them.
 
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ThisIsMe123

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Never encountering singles can only mean 3 things.

Every woman you see is with a man or on his arms.
Every woman you approach says she’s taken.
Everyone you know has no single friends.

If there’s no dialogue when you cross paths with a woman without company the above doesn’t apply. You can only know her status by asking directly or inquiring from others barring obvious displays of affection with the opposite sex.

I can see a homebody having this issue due to limited engagement or someone who’s afraid to approach the opposite sex and prefers a buffer.

Some men won’t approach a woman directly. Even if he finds her attractive. They’re scared or assume they’ll be turned down. They rely on introductions, familiar settings, or the Internet to meet them.

Unfortunately, though the Internet is becoming more popular in meeting someone, it provides the paradox of choice. Imagine getting hundreds of messages in your inbox. It's a numbers game really....I've heard men complaining constantly...even well put together, well off men, struggling to even get a response online.

I wish we could go back to the days on how our parents met. My parents met out and about, cold turkey approach by my dad. But back, then, women were more receptive to being approached. Now, it's gross to them pretty much. Most women have their blinders on, or gett his "Why is this person approaching me in public?!" look onher face. Almost as if she's being approached by a poor person on the street.
 
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DragonFox91

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I still think this is a simple problem that isn’t worth overthinking. Man needs woman. Not everyone has deeply complex emotions with 20 intuitive layers. If your emotions are external, and you have an external problem - no girlfriend, no singles nearby - it will bug your emotions every day. (Similar to how my lack of economic motivation bugs my logical thinking brain every day, but that’s another discussion. :p ) This phenomenon is what this thread reflects.

Perhaps Mr. DragonFox should take his tale of woe and his flair for highly emotional storytelling to a Christian dating site with a forum in it. While in a dating setup Mr. DragonFox’s tale may inspire some criticism, it cannot be worse than the speculation over his mental health and his motives that he has already endured. In a marriage, this man will need someone who can accept and care for his emotions anyway, so he might as well use that as the bait to catch the more simpleminded empathetic fish who just wants to raise a family.
Hey! What's that supposed to mean
 
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Juan777

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Never encountering singles can only mean 3 things.

Every woman you see is with a man or on his arms.
Every woman you approach says she’s taken.
Everyone you know has no single friends.

It's not just that. It's also the quality too and other factors (ie if she has children, if she's divorced the circumstances of that divorce and if she constructively initiated for no good reason, etc..., if she is holding out because she feels she can get better online and/or have been involved immorally, in the not too distant past, with other guys she met online but then sobered up, etc....).

Like you said you have to weed out people who are not suitable and not cling to the first person who takes you on. But sometimes its hard to bear if you meet a single that you could like, and there is some chemistry, but then find out one of these above issues about her that becomes a deal breaker now or later on when things get serious.

bella said:
If there’s no dialogue when you cross paths with a woman without company the above doesn’t apply. You can only know her status by asking directly or inquiring from others barring obvious displays of affection with the opposite sex.

Sometimes a lady can say that she has a boyfriend as a soft rejection. If a lady likes you enough and is looking to trade-up she might downplay or deny she has a bf all together. Asking someone directly about their status requires the other person has to be honest or feel you have a right to know that. I always assume they are more indirectly answering whether they like you or not and will be honest about their status if things get more serious.

There are women who even wear wedding rings who are not married so guys won't approach them or take them more seriously in business interactions. That's why online dating is the best as far as at least knowing who is single or not because you are already assumed to have a right to know and the other party will be honest about it.
 
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