26 year old male manically depressed and dealing with sexuality confusion

[Tanner1991]

I am 26, and ever since I was able to get sexual and romantic feelings, I had been obsessed with women. I had constant sexual thoughts about them, romantic thoughts, daydreams, etc, and could get easily physically aroused by even the site of a cute girl. I also had dreams of one day marrying a woman and starting a family. However, ever since the end of January, something has changed. I felt like I wasn't getting aroused by women the way I used to, at least physically, and began noticing a few males. I don't know what happened to me, but it's caused me to have a near psychological breakdown. So much of what I loved and enjoyed, even though it may have been questionable at times from a moral standpoint, doesn't excite me quite like it used to. Before this happened, I was actually managing to get more confident with women, and as a whole. I was also hoping to marry a great girl and start a family in a couple years. A year before this, I had fallen for a Christian girl, and every time I saw her, my heart melted. I had beautiful dreams of one day starting a family with her. She was the one for me I felt. I still feel a sense of warmth in my heart when I think of her. Now, much of that desire is gone, and sometimes I feel I am more attracted to males now, but, I have never really had a thought of being with one like I have with women, and it's only been like three so far I even found remotely attractive. I don't know what has happened to me. My biggest worry is I have become gay, despite my past history and the fact no male has ever aroused me physically, and it's only been like three I have noticed this entire time this ordeal has began, I also worry it's some deep psychological issue and I have just lost my mind. I also think I might be bisexual, which is fine, I wouldn't act on the same sex urges and I could still be with the women I want, no big deal there. Coming out of this feeling entirely straight is preferable. I felt so comfortable with myself and happy before this began. Now, I just wish I was dead or never born sometimes. As for my faith, I haven't been the most devout Christian, but I have never stopped believing, in an age where many of peers have. Two instances from my teens will forever keep me a believer, one of them witnessing a possession at a church I attended in 2004, and another being my aunt being revived after nearly ODing. I am just so depressed right now, and would give anything to feel like I used to.

 

[Chaplain David]

Several of our staff have been actively praying for you. I also notice that you've received a very supportive letter response. How is it going?

Faithfully,

 

[Joe 73]

Hey, just some thoughts. One bigger problem you are dealing with is shame and panic. you just had a reaction to a couple guys, and it put you into an identity crisis, even though it wasn't that significant.
I've been dealing with primarily SSA since puberty, anyway. Don't stress to much, we're human. The way I see it, we are all capable of falling into homosexuality and the like, if you break the right weakpoints. Some people have almost no weakpoints, they have an aversion to homosexuality, while other's are wounded, confused, and easy to break. Like I was. Don't get worked up with one thought flies by, just let it pass.

IT could be a spiritual problem, but there could also be something fueling it. I would you advise to take a look at your situation in life, what is going on? My bet is a new situation, or something, is putting your confidence to the test; fueling an insecurity. it could go back. And you are misdirected in to try to heal that insecurity and shame by focusing on your masculine self rating, which makes you desperate to improve it and you start idoloize other men, or want affirmation from them(to be seen as masculine or desirable by them), both of those can turn sexual.
Another thing to do is study the men you are attracted to, what makes them distinct? then you can begin figuring out whats going on.

 

[proverbs3]

you are not alone

i think i experience this several times before as well though i only remembered one

when i was still a teen it was kind of funny because i couldn't believed it myself but it happened when i was at school i kind of fell in love at first sight lol at the same sex i stared at him for 2 sec i think he noticed me i read from his eyes he was like is this guy a gay? that time i have mixed feelings i was like am i out of my mind right now? that time i do not want to admit that he was handsome so i make up excuses and walk slowly closer to him and then collide my shoulder to his shoulder and started a fight and then ended up almost everyone turned against me everyday i fought with any boys eventually turned into a nightmare but when i remembered what happened before i find it funny not scary

even now i refused to believed that i am bisexual and to begin with i'm only kind of attracted to guys faces but not their bodies nor my body and i am completely attracted to girls whole body

 

[Lukad]

Hey, just some thoughts. One bigger problem you are dealing with is shame and panic. you just had a reaction to a couple guys, and it put you into an identity crisis, even though it wasn't that significant.
I've been dealing with primarily SSA since puberty, anyway. Don't stress to much, we're human. The way I see it, we are all capable of falling into homosexuality and the like, if you break the right weakpoints. Some people have almost no weakpoints, they have an aversion to homosexuality, while other's are wounded, confused, and easy to break. Like I was. Don't get worked up with one thought flies by, just let it pass.

IT could be a spiritual problem, but there could also be something fueling it. I would you advise to take a look at your situation in life, what is going on? My bet is a new situation, or something, is putting your confidence to the test; fueling an insecurity. it could go back. And you are misdirected in to try to heal that insecurity and shame by focusing on your masculine self rating, which makes you desperate to improve it and you start idoloize other men, or want affirmation from them(to be seen as masculine or desirable by them), both of those can turn sexual.
Another thing to do is study the men you are attracted to, what makes them distinct? then you can begin figuring out whats going on.

I was trying to show off to other guys for a while and it turned sexual a few days ago, I am really depressed now and have no interest in girls