16 Year Old Daughter Risky Online Behavior

[ttander32]

Hi, I have a 16 year old daughter that I'm at my wit's end with and I really need some advice. She steals, lies, skips class, and is obsessed with pretending to be a boy online to lure women into having virtual sex with her. She was kicked out of her school this past year due to bad grades because she was more focused on stealing devices to get online to perform this behavior. I've found inappropriate content on almost every device in my home. I have cameras installed on the inside of my home and a wireless keypad on my bedroom door but she still manages to steal. She stole an 1100 iPhone and was lucky enough not to go to jail because I have a good relationship with her previous principal. We've tried counseling, punishment, talking, pastors praying over her and nothing is working. I have her a flip phone in which she can't access the internet. Should I get her a regular phone in which she can access WiFi and block off these sites to help stop this obsession in hopes that she will feel like she's fitting in? She steals items outside of devices so I don't know if this will help. She stole an 800 bracelet from me and my sister in laws car about a year ago so I believe that she's willing to steal anything. Please help I need some advice.

 

[Rescued One]

You should ask the county for help(i. e. probation) or have her emancipated so that you won't be in trouble if she's arrested. I know that's not what you want to hear, and I'm very sorry, but you can't change a sixteen-year-old rebel. You already know that counseling, punishment, talking, and pastors haven't been able to help.

Do you have younger children in the home? If you do, she's a bad influence.

 

[ttander32]

You should ask the county for help(i. e. probation) or have her emancipated so that you won't be in trouble when she's arrested. I know that's not what you want to hear, and I'm very sorry, but you can't change a sixteen-year-old rebel. You already know that counseling, punishment, talking, and pastors haven't been able to help.

Do you have younger children in the home? If you do, she's a bad influence.

Yes we do. I'm very concerned about this. My younger daughter is used to the behavior and is the total opposite of my 16 year old. She's tried to manipulate my 10 year old but she hasn't been successful. My 10 year old is kinda no nonsense. We're trying to put her in a youth program at church that teaches teens about becoming adults. I'm hoping that this will help. My husband is over it and he believes that life is going to have to teach her. I don't want anything to happen to her. I do understand that she belongs to God before she belongs to me.

 

[Rescued One]

Yes we do. I'm very concerned about this. My younger daughter is used to the behavior and is the total opposite of my 16 year old. She's tried to manipulate my 10 year old but she hasn't been successful. My 10 year old is kinda no nonsense. We're trying to put her in a youth program at church that teaches teens about becoming adults. I'm hoping that this will help. My husband is over it and he believes that life is going to have to teach her. I don't want anything to happen to her. I do understand that she belongs to God before she belongs to me.

Having come from a dysfunctional family and being in my seventies now, I think your husband is being somewhat realistic. I've watched rebellious teens and youth programs don't help kids who resent authority and don't want help. Life may give her some regrets, but she's chosen the wrong path and doesn't want the straight and narrow. I tried to help my teenage sister back when. Today she's a disabled alcoholic.

 

[salt-n-light]

Hi, I have a 16 year old daughter that I'm at my wit's end with and I really need some advice. She steals, lies, skips class, and is obsessed with pretending to be a boy online to lure women into having virtual sex with her. She was kicked out of her school this past year due to bad grades because she was more focused on stealing devices to get online to perform this behavior. I've found inappropriate content on almost every device in my home. I have cameras installed on the inside of my home and a wireless keypad on my bedroom door but she still manages to steal. She stole an 1100 iPhone and was lucky enough not to go to jail because I have a good relationship with her previous principal. We've tried counseling, punishment, talking, pastors praying over her and nothing is working. I have her a flip phone in which she can't access the internet. Should I get her a regular phone in which she can access WiFi and block off these sites to help stop this obsession in hopes that she will feel like she's fitting in? She steals items outside of devices so I don't know if this will help. She stole an 800 bracelet from me and my sister in laws car about a year ago so I believe that she's willing to steal anything. Please help I need some advice.

Im with Phobe Ann, I know you did counselling, but have you also considered therapy or having her see a doctor? Or is there any family history of mental illness or psychological issues? Because the array of destructive patterns that are going on, it seems very abnormal. So something to also consider.

 

[ttander32]

Having come from a dysfunctional family and being in my seventies now, I think your husband is being somewhat realistic. I've watched rebellious teens and youth programs don't help kids who resent authority and don't want help. Life may give her some regrets, but she's chosen the wrong path and doesn't want the straight and narrow. I tried to help my teenage sister back when. Today she's a disabled alcoholic.

Wow. That's not good to hear. I sent her to stay with mother-in-law for the next few weeks because we need a break. We're going to try the program, pray, and continue with counseling. After that for me it's a wrap. She can go to military highschool. I'm done. I guess I just needed some people to talk to. This isn't easy.

 

[Rescued One]

Wow. That's not good to hear. I sent her to stay with mother-in-law for the next few weeks because we need a break. We're going to try the program, pray, and continue with counseling. After that for me it's a wrap. She can go to military highschool. I'm done. I guess I just needed some people to talk to. This isn't easy.

I'm soooo very sorry for your pain. And I know the feeling of thinking you're alone in this. You aren't alone. I promise that God will make you stronger and hope that He influences your daughter. Stay in prayer.

 

[Rescued One]

Im with Phobe Ann, I know you did counselling, but have you also considered therapy or having her see a doctor? Or is there any family history of mental illness or psychological issues? Because the array of destructive patterns that are going on, it seems very abnormal. So something to also consider.

Unfortunately, rebellion isn't abnormal.

 

[salt-n-light]

Unfortunately, rebellion isn't abnormal.

Thats true, but rebellion didn't just start from nowhere. The patterns of the type of rebellion she tends to turn to is very alarming.

 

[Rescued One]

Thats true, but rebellion didn't just start from nowhere.

I agree. But most likely she either learned it from a friend or another person in her life or who knows what. My older sister thought my mother was too strict and told our younger sister to rebel.

 

[salt-n-light]

I agree. But most likely she either learned it from a friend or another person in her life or who knows what. My older sister thought my mother was too strict and told our younger sister to rebel.

Well not necessarily, its a maybe, but im pretty sure there's an array of things shes learning from friends. The fact that this is what she is choosing to exercise I think its super important.

Testimony time.

When I was her age, maybe younger JHS ( so 12), I would read mange with friends, and sometimes it would have erotic scenes, sometimes same sex. Didnt think nothing of it, I just knew it excited me. It was my escapism. Couple years later (14), Ive started to watch inappropriate content, and during the Myspace age, I wanted attention. I felt depressed at home and ugly and unloved. I sent some random dude a sexy picture of myself, again didnt think nothing of it. It excalated to having virtual sex with multiple men by the time I was her age (15-16), all while being active with my bf at the time. Again, didnt think nothing of it. Until I got dumped 3 months after and I went into a deeper depression.That habit carried over to looking at more inappropriate content, which eventually led to same-sex men inappropriate content, to same-sex woman, to virtual same-sex cam time, over the next 8 years until I identified myself as bi for 3 of those years.

Praise God he stopped me in my tracks. Also that I pinpointed that it was my moderate/high depression that is driving it. I monitor it to this day now.

But I'm saying that those type of behaviours is showing addiction. And my guess is that she is going through a deep depression like I am. Which would explain why she is going through huge lengths for the sex cam. Mental illness, specifically depression does run through my family. Problem is, people don't normally go to such lengths to investigate. So all im saying is that, maybe reasoning isn't working because it could be something that require medical assistance or some sort of dietary change or therapy. Maybe this rebellion isn't just a phase, its warning signs.

 

[ttander32]

Well not necessarily, its a maybe, but im pretty sure there's an array of things shes learning from friends. The fact that this is what she is choosing to exercise I think its super important.

Testimony time.

When I was her age, maybe younger JHS ( so 12), I would read mange with friends, and sometimes it would have erotic scenes, sometimes same sex. Didnt think nothing of it, I just knew it excited me. It was my escapism. Couple years later (14), Ive started to watch inappropriate content, and during the Myspace age, I wanted attention. I felt depressed at home and ugly and unloved. I sent some random dude a sexy picture of myself, again didnt think nothing of it. It excalated to having virtual sex with multiple men by the time I was her age (15-16), all while being active with my bf at the time. Again, didnt think nothing of it. Until I got dumped 3 months after and I went into a deeper depression.That habit carried over to looking at more inappropriate content, which eventually led to same-sex men inappropriate content, to same-sex woman, to virtual same-sex cam time, over the next 8 years until I identified myself as bi for 3 of those years.

Praise God he stopped me in my tracks. Also that I pinpointed that it was my moderate/high depression that is driving it. I monitor it to this day now.

But I'm saying that those type of behaviours is showing addiction. And my guess is that she is going through a deep depression like I am. Which would explain why she is going through huge lengths for the sex cam. Mental illness, specifically depression does run through my family. Problem is, people don't normally go to such lengths to investigate. So all im saying is that, maybe reasoning isn't working because it could be something that require medical assistance or some sort of dietary change or therapy. Maybe this rebellion isn't just a phase, its warning signs.

My hope is that the counseling will bring all of this to light. It's at the point that you don't know what to say to help her. It's frustrating. Calls from the school and unstoppable behavior. It's nonstop. At school, her teachers tell me that she's a social butterfly. But even in school we've had to work with them to cut off technology access. It's like she's stuck in a destructive behavior. Trust me I'm sure that she's had friends that have participated in this mess; however my daughter truly is the odd man out. She's very gifted and scored a 1400 on her PSAT in the 8th grade. We've tried to set up rewards systems and she doesn't want to do the right thing to get the reward. She wants to do things her way. She'll sit up in church, go to all kinds of ministry events and behind the scenes she's doing all of this mess. She started writing sermons at the age of 8. I've had so many pastors pray over her but it's like something has a hold on her. She hasn't been molested so I don't know what's driving all of the risky behavior.

 

[salt-n-light]

My hope is that the counseling will bring all of this to light. It's at the point that you don't know what to say to help her. It's frustrating. Calls from the school and unstoppable behavior. It's nonstop. At school, her teachers tell me that she's a social butterfly. But even in school we've had to work with them to cut off technology access. It's like she's stuck in a destructive behavior. Trust me I'm sure that she's had friends that have participated in this mess; however my daughter truly is the odd man out. She's very gifted and scored a 1400 on her PSAT in the 8th grade. We've tried to set up rewards systems and she doesn't want to do the right thing to get the reward. She wants to do things her way. She'll sit up in church, go to all kinds of ministry events and behind the scenes she's doing all of this mess. She started writing sermons at the age of 8. I've had so many pastors pray over her but it's like something has a hold on her. She hasn't been molested so I don't know what's driving all of the risky behavior.

Her walk with God is most likely very fascade based. You'll be very surprised how many are so heavily involved in church but their hearts are actually far from God, one day they are singing in the choir, and next day they are out doing drugs and having sexcapades. If no one can talk to her, you have to give her to God, and you will have to make some hard rules and decisions.I'm not sure how that must look like, as I've never been a parent and can only speak in daughter point of view, but I pray that it doesn't have to come to a point of probation or a camp type program of some kind and that counselor does bring things to light. At the end of the day, this is your house and she has to give some level of respect to that.

Might end up being a prodigal son type of situation, where she will have to learn the hard way and willingly come to Christ. In the meantime of all this, while you are making hard decision, still instill the Word of God in her, make time to talk to her and to let her know that you are always around, but that theres no tolerance of it in your house. Pray for her, and pray that God humbles her heart and make the stony heart, heart of flesh.

I know I'm not of much help, but I'm a living testimony that even when a child's future shows itself bleak, that as long as you have faith in God and train up the child, that God will work on your behalf. It may not be in the timing you imagine, but have patience.

 

[ttander32]

Your message hit home. Our goal is to continue to pray and keep her surrounded by the people of God. If anything else she'll know the word of God when she leaves this house and at some point it will dawn on her. I hate sending her away because I don't want her to feel like she's unloved but today I just needed some peace. I don't know what to say anymore and I'm certain that I'm not saying the right things to her at this point. Prayerfully, when she gets back, I'll have gotten some rest and will be ready for whatever's ahead. It's not easy watching your daughter make mistakes like this. She loves to serve God; however she has to realize that she can't have it both ways. I'm really glad that I found this forum. I needed an outlet and to know that in God all things are possible. I just wish that it would stop.

 

[salt-n-light]

Your message hit home. Our goal is to continue to pray and keep her surrounded by the people of God. If anything else she'll know the word of God when she leaves this house and at some point it will dawn on her. I hate sending her away because I don't want her to feel like she's unloved but today I just needed some peace. I don't know what to say anymore and I'm certain that I'm not saying the right things to her at this point. Prayerfully, when she gets back, I'll have gotten some rest and will be ready for whatever's ahead. It's not easy watching your daughter make mistakes like this. She loves to serve God; however she has to realize that she can't have it both ways. I'm really glad that I found this forum. I needed an outlet and to know that in God all things are possible. I just wish that it would stop.

I pray that God grants you wisdom to move through this situation and peace in your household. Also that your daughter heart turns towards the Lord. Don't lose faith my sister in Christ!

 

[JAM2b]

Kids can overpass the security to use devices the way they want to.
So, no, I would not get her wifi enabled phone.

With her stealing, I would not reward her with the very things she tries to steal. If she gains legal possession of them, then I would require her to earn it by working a real job out in the real world. Let her learn the true cost of things by flipping burgers, washing dishes, or checking out customers.

My oldest son attended New Technologies high school, and the school issues laptops instead of textbooks. He over ridded the software keeping them from using them inappropriately and was caught using the school computer to watch inappropriate content. He would also talk to other kids and adults who were bad influences on him, and he was also a bad influence on them. He would not stop and had horrible tantrums when I would try to make him. One of his tantrums ended with the police being called and him going to a behavioral health hospital for 9 days. That freaked him out, so he settled down some after that, but not as much as I wanted.

Technology is all around us and it seems there is no turning the hands back. The only option is to teach kids appropriate guidelines and set firm boundaries. When this doesn't work, and it didn't for mine, then the only option is to take it from them. The school helped with this by requiring him to turn his laptop in every Friday afternoon leave it at school over the weekend. He could pick it back up on Monday mornings. This meant he could not do homework or use it to study or collaborate with other students on group projects except for Monday-Thursday. They would check his computer to see what he had been doing with it, and if history had been deleted, then they were going to be keeping it every day and assigning him after school study hall for homework time with supervision. This continued for the rest of the entire school year.

The stealing, safety concerns, and illegality involved in her behaviors would concern me the most. It is illegal for minors to watch inappropriate content. It's hard to enforce though. If the people she is luring to talk with sexually are minors, it is illegal also.

I would seek out psychiatric help and maybe even hospitalization or some kind of facility for her. If there is an incident in which the authorities get involved, don't try to shield her from it. When we as parents can't help our kids, then we need those who can to do so. It doesn't mean you are a bad parent. It just means that the behaviors your kid is having is more than you are able to deal with. Protecting her from consequences and mandated help is hurting her rather then helping her. You can advocate for her within that system, but don't try to keep her out of it. Insist on her receiving rehabilitation.

This is one of the hardest things for a parent to go through. I have been one of those moms who called the cops on my own kid. It is heart breaking, but when that's the only resource you have left, it can be very effective. Sometimes we as parents have to get out of the way, so that those with more authority can deal with stuff. And you would be amazed at how much grace and strength God offers during those times.

 

[mama2one]

a single parent neighbor had a teen who refused to go to school plus other problems

she decided to send her away to some wilderness type program (it was about a yr long)

she did say it was expensive but was worth it
when the girl returned home, she was able to finish HS and even went on to college

the parents/teens not allowed contact for a while
she said her teen wouldn't get up early for school at home but the program had kids getting up super early

don't know if you've looked into any such program?
hope you can turn your teen around

 

[Ancient of Days]

Next time she steals from you call the police and have her arrested. The best way to change bad behavior is to have serious negative consequences for those actions. A night in jail will give her a dose of reality.

"She stole an 1100 iPhone and was lucky enough not to go to jail because I have a good relationship with her previous principal."

Bad move. Going to jail is what she needed. Stop getting in the way of her paying the price for her actions. You are only kicking the can down the road and by "letting her get away" with these things.

 

[ttander32]

Kids can overpass the security to use devices the way they want to.
So, no, I would not get her wifi enabled phone.

With her stealing, I would not reward her with the very things she tries to steal. If she gains legal possession of them, then I would require her to earn it by working a real job out in the real world. Let her learn the true cost of things by flipping burgers, washing dishes, or checking out customers.

My oldest son attended New Technologies high school, and the school issues laptops instead of textbooks. He over ridded the software keeping them from using them inappropriately and was caught using the school computer to watch inappropriate content. He would also talk to other kids and adults who were bad influences on him, and he was also a bad influence on them. He would not stop and had horrible tantrums when I would try to make him. One of his tantrums ended with the police being called and him going to a behavioral health hospital for 9 days. That freaked him out, so he settled down some after that, but not as much as I wanted.

Technology is all around us and it seems there is no turning the hands back. The only option is to teach kids appropriate guidelines and set firm boundaries. When this doesn't work, and it didn't for mine, then the only option is to take it from them. The school helped with this by requiring him to turn his laptop in every Friday afternoon leave it at school over the weekend. He could pick it back up on Monday mornings. This meant he could not do homework or use it to study or collaborate with other students on group projects except for Monday-Thursday. They would check his computer to see what he had been doing with it, and if history had been deleted, then they were going to be keeping it every day and assigning him after school study hall for homework time with supervision. This continued for the rest of the entire school year.

The stealing, safety concerns, and illegality involved in her behaviors would concern me the most. It is illegal for minors to watch inappropriate content. It's hard to enforce though. If the people she is luring to talk with sexually are minors, it is illegal also.

I would seek out psychiatric help and maybe even hospitalization or some kind of facility for her. If there is an incident in which the authorities get involved, don't try to shield her from it. When we as parents can't help our kids, then we need those who can to do so. It doesn't mean you are a bad parent. It just means that the behaviors your kid is having is more than you are able to deal with. Protecting her from consequences and mandated help is hurting her rather then helping her. You can advocate for her within that system, but don't try to keep her out of it. Insist on her receiving rehabilitation.

This is one of the hardest things for a parent to go through. I have been one of those moms who called the cops on my own kid. It is heart breaking, but when that's the only resource you have left, it can be very effective. Sometimes we as parents have to get out of the way, so that those with more authority can deal with stuff. And you would be amazed at how much grace and strength God offers during those times.

We had to work with the school last year to restrict access. I thought that if she stood out then that would force the behavior to stop. It's like she became more rebellious. We'll have to do the same thing this year at the new school. It's like her behavior is taking over our family life and we're all sick of it. I understand rebellion but I don't understand this behavior. Counseling will restart once she returns home. I told her that she needs to open up if she really wants help. It's not a game and continuing to make bad decisions is going to get her in trouble. We watched her get kicked out of a magnet program last school year and although it hurt me tremendously she has to learn.

 

[ttander32]

Next time she steals from you call the police and have her arrested. The best way to change bad behavior is to have serious negative consequences for those actions. A night in jail will give her a dose of reality.

"She stole an 1100 iPhone and was lucky enough not to go to jail because I have a good relationship with her previous principal."

Bad move. Going to jail is what she needed. Stop getting in the way of her paying the price for her actions. You are only kicking the can down the road and by "letting her get away" with these things.

I agree. I told her that the next time she steals she goes to jail and we're not paying for an attorney. She'll have to deal with the punishment and hope that it's not life impacting.