- Nov 10, 2009
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Some of you may remember me, though it's been a few years since I posted here...I was selected to become a moderator around the same time I began going through a divorce, and I had to step away. This will be rather long, but I wanted to share what God has done in my life recently as someone else may find encouragement, in my words.
This past November, I lost my job. My company was restructuring, and they closed down the store I was managing. So, I've been out of work since. I have been determined to not let this lead me into a state of depression...which happened before, about 8 years ago when I was unemployed for over a year.
I focused on the holidays through the first of the year...enjoying time with my family. I had ideas of a business I wanted to start, but then realized i didn't have the capital. So I began looking at other options. Had a few interviews in January, but nothing panned out. After my last interview and rejection letter I was lying in bed wondering what move I could make next, and it hit me...a business idea that wouldn't break the bank. So for the last month I've been in the process of getting that started.
Now, to rewind even farther...I suffer with anxiety, and have for years...and with the stress of being unemployed, I've had some rough days. The first time I remember having panic attacks was when I was out of work 8 years ago, but they never went away, after I got a good job...it was just a couple of years later that my wife and I separated and eventually divorced...and around that same time I went into retail management...and, for anyone that's ever done that kind of work, you know it can be very stressful. I also remarried, and shortly after that my now wife's mother passed away unexpectedly. So, I always attributed these bouts of anxiety to stress...and, to an extent, that was true...
Now, back to the future!
About two weeks ago I decided it was time to take a personal inventory. I have a weight problem, and had already started a new diet plan a few weeks before then...I decided to look at what other areas of my life needed improvement, as well. Obviously, the anxiety. Then there was the spiritual...
I hadn't been to church in over a year...which started out due to work, but then just became laziness, and I'm sure many of you know that once you stop going to church it's a domino effect. The next thing you know, you're not studying the Bible, you're not praying, and then old habits start to reappear...
I've alway enjoyed listening to the Truth for Life broadcasts from Alistair Begg. So, I decided to listen to some sermons online. You can select by topic, and there's a group of sermons there on anxiety and worry...so I listened to a couple and was convicted.
God showed me that day where things started going downhill, and I gave in to worry and panic.
In 2003, I was serving as worship leader and deacon in a small independent church...I had only been a Christian for about 4 years at the time, and was still very much on fire for God. The pastor took me under his wing and became my mentor and closest ally. He suddenly passed away that winter, and shortly thereafter, we had to close down the church. As a young Christian, this was devastating...it was like losing my father in a lot of ways.
Then, in 2005, I did lose my father. I've lost a lot of people that I've loved dearly, in my life...but none impacted me more than this. My dad and I had a very special relationship. My pastor had been the one I went to for spiritual advice...my dad handled everything else. But, more than that...we were friends, best friends, and to lose him...I lost my joy. Don't get me wrong, I had six month old twins that made me smile, and I love them dearly...but Dad's death hurt me bad.
After this, I became angry. Angry at my dad for giving up on life. Angry at my pastor for no longer being there. Angry because I had no one to talk to. And, mostly, angry with God. Why would He take away the two men that meant the most to me in this world? I was only 24 years old. I was a grown man, but in many ways still a child...and a child needs their father.
I couldn't talk to my wife, she didn't understand...and wasn't very supportive, which was a big factor in the breakdown of our marriage. I couldn't talk to my mother...she had just lost the love of her life, and I needed to be strong and supportive of her. So, with no one to talk to, I internalized everything.
Once you start keeping your feelings locked away, they're like an infection and they begin to fester.
For the last 12 years I've kept this hurt and anger inside of me...so deep that I had forgotten it was there. But the other day, God revealed it to me.
Years ago I had come to the realization that what happened with my dad wasn't God's fault. My dad made poor life choices and the years took their toll. I realized this, but I never repented for it. Now I have.
I felt a weight lifted off of me like never before, it was like being reborn all over again. And in some ways it was. For 12 years I've gone from one church to the next...never staying in one for more than a couple of years...not going for months at a time...not reading the Bible like I should...only praying when I felt the need.
Oh, I could talk a good game. I knew all the right things to say. I knew what verse to quote. I listened to great preachers. I read books on theology. I, mostly, lived a Christian life...but I had sinned against God, and because of this, I was not walking in His will.
Since the other day I have had some panic attacks...after living with it for so long I can't expect an immediate recovery. But now I have HOPE and I have PEACE. I know that by His stripes I am healed. So when the attacks come I don't get discouraged. I give Him praise because I know He will have the victory.
I know this was long...but if there is anyone reading this that is dealing with anxiety or depression, ask God to reveal the root of it to you. Ask Him for peace and understanding. He's your Father and He loves you. He never promised that we wouldn't have suffering in this life, but He did tell us to cast our burden upon Him. You're not in this alone, He's always with you.
This past November, I lost my job. My company was restructuring, and they closed down the store I was managing. So, I've been out of work since. I have been determined to not let this lead me into a state of depression...which happened before, about 8 years ago when I was unemployed for over a year.
I focused on the holidays through the first of the year...enjoying time with my family. I had ideas of a business I wanted to start, but then realized i didn't have the capital. So I began looking at other options. Had a few interviews in January, but nothing panned out. After my last interview and rejection letter I was lying in bed wondering what move I could make next, and it hit me...a business idea that wouldn't break the bank. So for the last month I've been in the process of getting that started.
Now, to rewind even farther...I suffer with anxiety, and have for years...and with the stress of being unemployed, I've had some rough days. The first time I remember having panic attacks was when I was out of work 8 years ago, but they never went away, after I got a good job...it was just a couple of years later that my wife and I separated and eventually divorced...and around that same time I went into retail management...and, for anyone that's ever done that kind of work, you know it can be very stressful. I also remarried, and shortly after that my now wife's mother passed away unexpectedly. So, I always attributed these bouts of anxiety to stress...and, to an extent, that was true...
Now, back to the future!
About two weeks ago I decided it was time to take a personal inventory. I have a weight problem, and had already started a new diet plan a few weeks before then...I decided to look at what other areas of my life needed improvement, as well. Obviously, the anxiety. Then there was the spiritual...
I hadn't been to church in over a year...which started out due to work, but then just became laziness, and I'm sure many of you know that once you stop going to church it's a domino effect. The next thing you know, you're not studying the Bible, you're not praying, and then old habits start to reappear...
I've alway enjoyed listening to the Truth for Life broadcasts from Alistair Begg. So, I decided to listen to some sermons online. You can select by topic, and there's a group of sermons there on anxiety and worry...so I listened to a couple and was convicted.
God showed me that day where things started going downhill, and I gave in to worry and panic.
In 2003, I was serving as worship leader and deacon in a small independent church...I had only been a Christian for about 4 years at the time, and was still very much on fire for God. The pastor took me under his wing and became my mentor and closest ally. He suddenly passed away that winter, and shortly thereafter, we had to close down the church. As a young Christian, this was devastating...it was like losing my father in a lot of ways.
Then, in 2005, I did lose my father. I've lost a lot of people that I've loved dearly, in my life...but none impacted me more than this. My dad and I had a very special relationship. My pastor had been the one I went to for spiritual advice...my dad handled everything else. But, more than that...we were friends, best friends, and to lose him...I lost my joy. Don't get me wrong, I had six month old twins that made me smile, and I love them dearly...but Dad's death hurt me bad.
After this, I became angry. Angry at my dad for giving up on life. Angry at my pastor for no longer being there. Angry because I had no one to talk to. And, mostly, angry with God. Why would He take away the two men that meant the most to me in this world? I was only 24 years old. I was a grown man, but in many ways still a child...and a child needs their father.
I couldn't talk to my wife, she didn't understand...and wasn't very supportive, which was a big factor in the breakdown of our marriage. I couldn't talk to my mother...she had just lost the love of her life, and I needed to be strong and supportive of her. So, with no one to talk to, I internalized everything.
Once you start keeping your feelings locked away, they're like an infection and they begin to fester.
For the last 12 years I've kept this hurt and anger inside of me...so deep that I had forgotten it was there. But the other day, God revealed it to me.
Years ago I had come to the realization that what happened with my dad wasn't God's fault. My dad made poor life choices and the years took their toll. I realized this, but I never repented for it. Now I have.
I felt a weight lifted off of me like never before, it was like being reborn all over again. And in some ways it was. For 12 years I've gone from one church to the next...never staying in one for more than a couple of years...not going for months at a time...not reading the Bible like I should...only praying when I felt the need.
Oh, I could talk a good game. I knew all the right things to say. I knew what verse to quote. I listened to great preachers. I read books on theology. I, mostly, lived a Christian life...but I had sinned against God, and because of this, I was not walking in His will.
Since the other day I have had some panic attacks...after living with it for so long I can't expect an immediate recovery. But now I have HOPE and I have PEACE. I know that by His stripes I am healed. So when the attacks come I don't get discouraged. I give Him praise because I know He will have the victory.
I know this was long...but if there is anyone reading this that is dealing with anxiety or depression, ask God to reveal the root of it to you. Ask Him for peace and understanding. He's your Father and He loves you. He never promised that we wouldn't have suffering in this life, but He did tell us to cast our burden upon Him. You're not in this alone, He's always with you.
