- Mar 11, 2019
- 1,099
- 1,464
- 75
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Others
The Gate of Bone
“The worst prison would be a closed heart.”
― Pope John Paul II
For many people, dreams are important indicators of what they need to do to deepen their walk with the Lord. Some dreams present a choice that is important, imperative, and must be made with full awareness. I had one such dream that perhaps saved my vocation, and my soul, but also showed me some deep issues that I needed to face. Even if at the time of the dream I was not cognizant of what these actually were. I had the dream when I was 23 years old, and in the Monastery for just over a year. That would be late 1972.
In the dream, I was standing at the bottom of a long flight of stairs. At the bottom of the stairway, it was dark, and I was standing in a small area of light that came through the opening that was a lid, and once the opening closed there was no way to open it from the outside. I suppose I could push my way back to the light, but not sure if that would be possible if I made the choice to close it.
The whole scene was not one of terror, or even anxiety, but fraught with danger, because whatever choice I made, in freedom, was very important. Above the lid there was a gate, it looked like a rib cage, made of bone and once it closed that gate would be closed forever. I guess it could be said to resemble the gates of hell in my imagination. I knew that it was my choice.
This made me conscious of my tendency to move towards isolation. This was true no matter where I found myself. In High School, in my family, in the Navy, this was something that I now understood was always there but unconscious. Well in the dream it was staring me in the face.
I am often torn within my soul. I need solitude, lots of time to think, study and pray. It is not a luxury for me, for if I do not spend a good deal of time in solitude (not isolation) I get pulled pretty thin.
When around people, I love people, I tend to get a little loopy. When tired, my loopiness rises to the level of a 10. A friend of mine told me once that I do this, because like all people I seek inner balance even if not always aware of it. My inner life is what I identify with, how I act around others, is also real, but you could call it a secondary side to my personality. I am sure that I can be a burden when I get very hare-brained. At 72 I still do not have a real handle on this. I hope one day to outgrow this, but that level of integration seems a long way off.
Isolation is something different altogether. For me, it is a cold, dark, empty space. Its fruit is an inner restlessness that keeps me from finding any rest. To this day I am not sure why I have this, but I have found out a few decades back that I really do not have to figure it all out, I just have to get through the day and seek to still live a Christ-centered life.
So over the years, different times of the day have their own challenges. In the very early morning, which is my best time, I seem centered. Around 8 AM until 11 AM, there seems to be an inner coldness that envelops me that I have slowly learned to deal with on a prayerful level. Well, much of the time.
I have now come to understand that this is some form of nameless anxiety. In the afternoon, it is fatigue for the most part, but that too is slowly being brought into line. After Vespers is good, I feel settled and can pray and be at peace. Or if not, still be able to center me, for the most part.
Yet, there are days when I do not want to be around anyone, or do anything, neither read, pray, sleep, just nothing. I know that this is common for many people and it is a painful state. I still give in to it from time to time but thank God for being in the community, and my different responsibilities keep me for the most part on track.
So back to the dream. So I was looking up at the gate and was given the choice to allow it to close in on me forever. To my shock, I was tempted to allow that to happen. However I looked around and sort of said to myself: “Are you kidding me, hell no I do not want this!”. After I woke up that dream stayed with me for a few days, and it still comes to mind after all these years. The image was of the gate very vivid.
Why am I sharing this. Because I am a normal human being and my struggles are for the most part the same inner tug of war that most go through. I am here to tell you that for the Lord, it is not a problem, for he knows our nature, what we have to deal with. He has compassion for all of us. He is there with us. So no matter where you are, that is where you start, every moment of every day. For whatever your state, Jesus is there facing you, loving you, giving you grace. Yet we each have to choose. Decide on life dear ones, and have compassion on one another.-Br.MD
)
