‘I was once caught by a fish this big.’

[Kaylee4Christ]

Cast

NARRATOR, ECHO, CAPTAIN, JONAH, 1ST MATE, 1ST SAILOR, 2ND SAILOR, 3RD SAILOR, RUDE VOICE, 1ST ASSYRIAN, 2ND ASSYRIAN, 3RD ASSYRIAN, WIFE, KING, QUEEN


NARRATOR The story of Jonah and the Assyrians at Nineveh went like this:

Blows into voice tuner - the intro is sung to the tune of Gilligan’s island.

Now sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful trip,

That started from this Joppa port

Aboard this tiny ship.

ECHO Aboard this tiny ship.

NARRATOR On board was a frightened preacher man,

Running from the Lord,

Set sail that day but on the way,

Took a three day detour.

ECHO A three day detour.



Scene 1: Boarding the Ship at Joppa

Jonah walks onto the ship, sailors are busy doing sailor things.

CAPTAIN Come aboard mate, we’re about to cast off.

JONAH [Walking onto the ship] I’ve never been on an ocean voyage before. Do you think we’ll see any whales?

CAPTAIN Only if the sea monsters don’t eat them. Harrr harrr, a little captain’s joke there. What brings you aboard my ship?

JONAH Well my God said to me "Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me."

CAPTAIN We’re not going near Nineveh mate, we’re headed in the opposite direction. If it be Nineveh you’re after, you sail down that way [Points] and make a left just before you reach the edge of the world.

JONAH I know Nineveh’s that way [Points], that’s why I’m going this way. [Points other way] Have you heard what those Assyrians do to people who give them a hard time?

CAPTAIN Aei, a scurvy mob of deck swabbing barnacles to be sure. [To crew] Cast off mates.

JONAH [To 1st mate] Wow you guys really talk like that.

1ST MATE No he just does that for the tourists. Aei Aei Captain. Cast off.

Fade out.



NARRATOR [2nd verse of Gilligan]

The Lord sent a violent storm that day,

The tiny ship was tossed,

If the crew didn’t figure out something fast,

Their lives would be lost.

ECHO Their lives would be lost.



Scene 2: The Ship at Sea

Ship rocking backward and forward shown by crew stumbling backward and forward.

CAPTAIN Avast yea trusty hands, come about and jettison the cargo off the port side!

SAILORS What?

CAPTAIN Grab stuff and throw it overboard. [The crew begin to throw things overboard. One picks up the anchor]

No, not that you idiot!

1ST MATE [Carrying a TV] It’s still no good captain, we’ll be smashed to pieces!

CAPTAIN Get that preacher guy up here to pray to his God … ‘cause none of our gods seem to be listening. [Looks disapprovingly at a wooden idol, then throws it over]

1ST SAILOR That one’s working captain, look he’s floating away to save himself.

2ND SAILOR Let’s try this one. [Holds up golden idol & throws over - "ker-plunk"] Nope, nothing.

1ST MATE [Gone down stairs and can be heard] How can you be asleep when we’re all about to die? Get up and pray to your God and maybe we won’t perish in this storm.

Jonah & 1st mate emerge above deck. 1st mate throws Jonah’s teddy bear over. 2 sailors can be seen playing paper/scissors/rock.

CAPTAIN What are you men doing?

1ST SAILOR Playing paper, scissors, rock.

CAPTAIN Well why stop there? Why don’t we get out the monopoly board too, I'll be the little car!

3RD SAILOR [Carrying an inflatable raft] We can’t captain I just threw it over. [Throws raft over]

CAPTAIN I’ve met squid with more brains than this lot.

1ST SAILOR Captain we’re playing to see who might have brought this tragedy upon us. [Captain & others walk over to play.]

JONAH [To others] Can I play too?

2ND SAILOR Ah, sure. [All stand in line facing audience.]

1ST SAILOR One, two, three. [Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, scissors - Jonah]

CAPTAIN Yea mutinous dog, you’ve doomed us all!

JONAH I’m the reason God is angry, I’ve disobeyed him. But don’t worry, throw me overboard and the storm will subside.

3RD SAILOR Well I wish you’d told us that before we threw the food overboard!

CAPTAIN Stand fast mates, we can’t throw this man overboard! [Loud crack of thunder changes his mind]

OK I’ll get his arms and you men grab his legs. [Pick up Jonah & throw off-stage]

JONAH Oh no my watch. Hey wait a minute, I can’t swim!

CAPTAIN Quick, throw him something! [3rd Sailor picks up anchor - Captain turns] Don’t even think about it.

2ND SAILOR To late he’s gone under!

1ST SAILOR Look! What’s that?

Fin appears. Theme from jaws plays. The sea calms down as all the crew are looking over the edge of the boat. Then all salute as burial at sea music starts playing. Fade out.

 

[Kaylee4Christ]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]NARRATOR As Jonah fell into the sea the Lord sent a great fish to swallow up Jonah and save him from drowning.[/font]



[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Scene 3: Inside the Whale[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]JONAH[/font] [font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Praying][/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] Dear Lord, I can’t help but notice that I'm currently in a fish. I’m not sure exactly what to do about this and I’m open to your suggestions. Anticipating your reply, your obedient servant, Jonah.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Gets out quill & paper][/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] Dear mum, a funny thing happened to me today, but I don’t want you to get worried .... [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Fade out][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]NARRATOR Jonah was inside the fish for three days and three nights.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]JONAH [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Writing in diary][/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] Day two. Nothing to eat but krill and plankton again. It’s pretty wet and slimy in here. [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Looking up][/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] I’m not complaining though Lord. [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Looking back down][/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] I can’t help but feel somehow responsible. [/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]RUDE VOICE Hey keep it down over there![/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]JONAH All right! [/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Jonah adjusts the arial on the TV the crew threw over. Fade out.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]NARRATOR Jonah prayed earnestly to the Lord from inside the fish.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]RUDE VOICE Whale![/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]NARRATOR Whatever![/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]JONAH Oh Lord please don’t forget me, but let me finish the task you set for me, for only you can save me in this time of trouble. If you give me another chance I promise that I will do what you have asked me. I will go to Nineveh and preach against it. [/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Fade out[/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif].[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]NARRATOR And the Lord commanded the fish and it vomited Jonah onto dry land. Near Nineveh as it happened to be.[/font]



[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Scene 4: On the Beach[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]1ST ASSYRIAN Hey everyone, come quick! There’s a beached whale over here![/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]2ND ASSYRIAN Oh the poor ... [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Sound of whale spewing up. Jonah tumbles on stage][/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] ... oh that’s gross![/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]All three stare in amazement as Jonah walks across the stage.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]3RD ASSYRIAN Well there’s something you don’t see every day.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]JONAH [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Looking upward][/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] OK God I’m now going to Nineveh. [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][To himself][/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] I hope there’s a shower on the way. [/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Fade out[/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif].[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]NARRATOR And so Jonah went to Nineveh and began to proclaim the message God had given him.[/font]



[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Scene 5: In Nineveh[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]JONAH Repent before God for He has seen your wicked ways. Repent or the city of Nineveh will be overturned![/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]1ST ASSYRIAN When will he do this, at the end of the age?[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]JONAH You have forty days to put your affairs in order.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]1ST ASSYRIAN Oh oh[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]2ND ASSYRIAN All-right that’s it. Honey, we’re moving![/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]WIFE Where are we going?[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]2ND ASSYRIAN I got some relatives in Gomorrah. I needed a holiday anyway.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]3RD ASSYRIAN [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][To 1st mockingly] [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]".. the end of the age?"[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]1ST ASSYRIAN I thought he was speaking metaphorically! [/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Fade out[/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif].[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]NARRATOR Jonah’s words spread quickly throughout Nineveh and soon his message was heard by the king.[/font]



[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Scene 6: The Palace[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]QUEEN My Lord.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]KING What is it my queen?[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]QUEEN There is a prophet in the city that is preaching against us.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]KING What does this vagrant say?[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]QUEEN He says that we must repent before God from all our wicked ways.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]KING Hmmm … I kinda like some of those wicked ways. What could God do if we refuse?[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]QUEEN This prophet mentioned something about fire and brimstone, burning sulfur and catching the next whale out of here.[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]KING[/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] [Worried][/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] Is this guy for real?[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]QUEEN He smells like a fish but I checked his credentials, he’s the real thing. Should I have your private jet standing by?[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]KING [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Thinking][/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif] No, instead I shall issue a decree: [/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Every-one in Nineveh must give up their evil ways and violence. Who knows? God may yet have compassion and turn from His fierce anger so that we will not all perish. [/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Fade out[/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif].[/font]



[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]NARRATOR When this decree was issued all the residents on Nineveh turned from their wicked ways and violence, and each one called urgently to God. When God saw they had earnestly repented, He had compassion on them and did not bring upon them the sentence He had threatened."[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]And so God was able to bring about his purpose. [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Echo taps Narrator’s shoulder][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Oh all right. [/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Blows voice tuner. Sung to Gilligan as cast comes out for credits[/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif].[/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]With this silly man, [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Jonah][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]The skipper too, [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Captain][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]The millionaire, [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][King][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]And his wife, [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Queen][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]The movie’s star, [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Cardboard whale][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]The sailors and Assyrians, [/font][font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][Assyrians & Residents][/font]

[font=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Here on Nineveh’s trial.[/font]