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So... well. Wow. It's been almost exactly 3 years since I've been here. That's kind of crazy, yo. Lots has changed, again!! It's really kind of awesome to see how God's been at work in my life since I lasted posted here. Last time I posted was in October 2011. Let me see if I can do...

Well, I'm feeling better today, thank God. :) Yesterday was also a better day, minus the fact that my husband managed to get injured at work. He had to get 5 stitches under his right eye, poor thing. I was pretty upset about it at first since he didn't tell me about it until after the fact...

Well, I'm back after an even longer absence. So hiiii. I'm not in a very good headspace right now. Really struggling with thoughts like: - "I deserve all the pain I'm in." - "I should cut." - "I should just stop eating since I'm so fat and ugly." - "I am a horrible person and deserve to...

Well, here I am... back after an extended absence. ECT, blah. I went through 10 treatments, and it didn't help a great deal, which was trés disappointing... kind of. I don't know. It's not a scary procedure at all, and I really like the people who did it. I was only IP from Sunday to...

Drained, drained, drained. Completely drained of life. I've been waiting, waiting, waiting, and it really takes a toll on me - or anyone, I would suppose!! - after awhile. I finally heard back from my NP today about the ECT stuff... sounds like she'll have news on my referral appt on Monday...

Well, here I am again. I'm home, isolating. I'm doing well though - I've not slept yet today - during the day, I mean. I slept 9 hours last night and am still exhausted... if I can make it through today without sleeping at all, then I will have done something I've not managed to do in many...

Well, I decided that it's time for a change of pace. Though what change of pace, I'm not sure. A lot of things have changed since my last entry (which was, I regret to say, a long time ago - I am horrendous at keeping this blog going). 1) I am not in school this semester 2) I will be...

It's nearly Christmas!! *bounces* I do feel like such a child around this time of year, but guess Who else was a child?? so as long as I don't get too carried away with the glitter and glamor of Santa Claus and all of his promises, I should be okay. I do remember the Reason for the season, and...

Tonight is not a good night. It was alright until about half an hour ago... and then I started to remember things about when I was really sick with my eating disorder. I miss those days. I know that I'm healthier now and I know that Jarrod and I have a better relationship than we would've...

Well, here I am again. Woohoo!! Finals are finished and over with... I am so happy about that, although I'm not happy about the fact that I'm snowed in today without Jarrod (he's at work). Yep, you heard right. Snowed in. People are around, so I'm not the only one snowed in in this...

I wonder what it would be like to live as a perfectly healthy person - I mean, mentally. I don't know. I can't imagine it; I really can't. I've been depressed for seven years; a SI'er for four years as of the 10th; have had an ED for three and a half years; have been suicidal for three years...

So I just lost a whole post, because I was stupid. ARGHHH!! Uni is going okay. I'm almost done - just two days of finals left and then BOOYAH I'm a second semester senior!! So excited. Only two semesters left and then I graduate (I hope, anyway - I hope I'm on track with the courses that I need...

I wish I could spew out a whole line of swear words... cos that's how I feel right now. Just utterly yucky. I wish I could hide away and never come out. Ever. I'm too fat and ugly and hideous and gross and nasty and despicable and just AWFUL......... :cry: Today is not a good day. I feel...

Well, I'm back again, after awhile without posting. I'm getting bad with keeping up with my blog here; my "real life" journal and LiveJournal take up more of my time, as well as just keeping up with posts on here. However, I will update once in awhile, honest. Today has gone alright I...

As each day goes by, the better and better I adjust to my new life. It's weird, though, how I am still me. That may sound really weird, but I feel as though since I got married I should be someone else. Someone different. And I suppose that in a way, I am different. But in the end, I am...

As stated in the previous entry (which was written a heck of a while ago), anxiety is bad. Really bad. Through-the-roof kind of bad. Today I've already consumed 600mg Neurontin, 1mg Ativan, and 1mg Klonopin. That's 1mg Ativan and 0.5mg Klonopin over the normal dosing (although I do have a...

The anxiety has been really bad lately. It's frustrating. I've been relying on an old script of Ativan (1mg) that I had from July... I'm taking 7 other meds besides that, and my NP doesn't know that I've been taking it... but with 1mg Klonopin and 900mg Neurontin not working completely, I don't...

So yes, fat ugly April is now a wife. That is so weird to say. A wife. And I am still me. Isn't that funny? :P I haven't changed much, other than getting into doing housework and things. It's weird living away from my parents', but I have made this apartment my home - perhaps I am more...

Wow, it's been eleven days since I've written in here. I'm slacking off... hehe. Well, the wedding is four - yes, FOUR - days away, and the bride is having trouble remembering - at times - that it is going to be happening. (And other times, she is freaking out.) It's so weird to think of...

It all came back to me today. The sexual assault/molestation/whatever you want to call it. In a flood. I can't explain it. It hurt. And I am scared. So scared that it's going to come back again, in a rush, and hurt me yet more. It's been years. Three years since the last time. And...