Suicide, my own

crossrunner · Aug 23, 2004

Avatar said:
I have a number of great Christian friends! IDave

You can sure count me as one of 'em!

God bless you.
CR

TheMainException · Aug 23, 2004

Avatar...dear brother of mine...I know what that pain is like...I've wanted to die so many times....but, just like you, I've been so afraid for that day to come. I do crazy things, just hoping for something bad to happen to me...a poisonous snake to bite me, a fall that leaves me bleeding to death, anything, but yet I fear what comes after death. And so I keep living in pain. Brother, brother...the nights are the worst...I actually thank God that such a fear has been brought into both of our lives, a fear that actually keeps one alive, that is a blessing in disguise...Avatar...I love you...I don't love you for any reason other than because God loved me first and instilled in me his very own love. Brother, do not go another day without finding a psychiatrist and talking to your doctor about some meds...if the pain is that bad...don't stay this way... I can relate...I know the pain well...I've spent many days and nights wishing the world would just leave me alone, that it would all end in some way or another...I've done so much to make it end, even cut myself, but was too afraid to dig deep. God will use you, think of all the people you may save through your pain. I suggest something to you, and I pray that you might take me up on my suggestion, both of them...
1. Read a book called "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning...let God show you his love...
2. PM me if you need to talk through anything...I'll listen...I care...don't let go of this life...

In Christ,
Lauren

TheMainException · Aug 23, 2004

Avatar said:
I'd like to, Arkanin, but I don't have the free time. I'm either working or watching the kids while my wife works. I'd love to sleep, a very long time. But its not something i can do. I'd like to thank all of you, this was more than I expected. I thought I might get a sympathetic post or two and maybe even a 'suck it up and be a man' post. I didn't expect this, I feel like I've gotten a hug from a dozen friends I didn't know I had. Reading your posts broke me up, but in a good way, I felt like I was alone, now I know I'm not.

Thank you.

If someone ever tells you to "suck it up" blow them off, ignore them and don't talk to them again...those people don't get it, and unless they experience it, they most likely won't ever understand.

Avatar · Aug 23, 2004

The nights are the worst LAWise520, are your really 16? You shouldn't feel this way at 16 and my heart goes out to you! Have you sought help for yourself?

I feel love for you as well, I personally define love as compassion. I don't want to see anyone hurt. And I often take pain upon myself to prevent it in others. Its okay, its just me.

When I was a child my sister and I had a female babysitter who sexually abused us. My sister is enraged about it to this day, and doesn't understand why I don't have the same anger over what happened to me. I do hate this person, for what she did to my sister, but what she did to me I accept because it could have been someone else. If there has to be pain, I'll take it.

LAWise520, believe me, if ever you need help, right here is where to get it. What a wonderful community! And I'll do what I can too if you PM, though my wisdom isn't that great.

Busybee · Aug 24, 2004

I know exactly what you're going through Avatar. I PM'd ya!! Hugs to you and I will pray for you as well!!

StainedClassKing · Aug 24, 2004

The nights are the worst LAWise520, are your really 16? You shouldn't feel this way at 16 and my heart goes out to you! Have you sought help for yourself?

Avatar, When I was 16, I was going through things similar to what you described. I have struggled with clinical depression my entire life. It's due to chemical embalances in the brain and that can strike a person at any age.

But you really should see a doctor. I would say go today if you can manage it. To be honest, I don't think kicking the alcohol, doing just that alone, will work in the long wrong. Also, you need an ongoing dialogue with you doctor about this. He needs to be aware that your mental conditional is less than healthy. Don't worry about being committed or anything like that. If your doctor understands that you are not a suicide risk, he will not have you committed. And don't worry about stigma. Your doctor can't go around telling people, "Oh yeah, Joe came in for the flu and Richie has Aids..." He'll keep it private and no one else needs to know about it.

The Midge · Aug 24, 2004

Still here for you Avatar and still praying.

UMP · Aug 24, 2004

Avatar said:
Hi All, probably this is the wrong forum for this, but I need to talk to some folks. I can't speak with anyone who knows me because I'll wind up in a rubber room. I'm a father of six, who is deeply depressed. Depressed to the point that I consider suicide a dozen times a day. At the same time I'm afraid to die. I lie awake at night listening to my heart beat, wishing it would stop, and afraid that it will.

I feel such pain! Such unbelievable pain, every waking moment. I wouldn't have thought this possible a decade ago. But every moment now is suffering. I drink to escape the pain. Alcohol doesn't -never- makes me happy, it stops my anguish, for a time. Then the anguish returns stronger than ever, and I have to cope. Because I have an obligation to my kids, they need me, even as I am, they need me.

I don't have a real relationship with my wife anymore, but its not her fault. It's mine, it's the result of this illness. I can't cope anymore. I can't communicate. I work alone (janitor in a closed bar) and I always spend my time thinking, trying to work things out for myself. I'm my own therapist, I suppose. But it just keeps getting worse.

And the guilt I feel for not being enough to my children is Hell. (I thought for a minute what word to use there and 'Hell' is the most accurate.)

For those of you who don't understand, imagine being at a birthday party and feeling as though its a funeral. That's how I feel on the happiest occasion.

I can't handle this anymore. Please understand, I'm no troll looking to incite debate, I need help from you. I chose this forum because there are free-thinkers as well as Christians and those of other faiths. I need this to stop, one way or the other.

My advice to to Pray. Pray to the one and only true and living God and He will help you. I will pray for you.
Isaiah 41:10
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

crossrunner · Aug 24, 2004

Still thinking about you, Avatar and praying for you as well.
God bless you,
CR

ravenwolf · Aug 25, 2004

Avatar,
ur still in my thoughts, just wanted to let you know

AA is a wonderful organization, but I don't think I need them. I'm probably the world's only alcoholic who doesn't like to drink! It makes me feel terrible physically, exhausted, but it numbs the pain for awhile, which is why I do it. I understand many people who have problems with alcohol develop a physical dependency for it. I have more of an allergy to it. A blessing, I suppose, otherwise I'd be in an even deeper mess.

I had to comment becuase you ironically by describing what AA memebers are'nt?, u described them to the T. Most....more like All, do it just to numb themselves, and it makes them feel like u described. And i have heard many of the Alcoholics at AA say they have an "allergy", in fact that is how the Big Book describes alcoholism, as an allergy. which i found ironic(dont know if that is the word I am looking for). Though i dont go anymore, i did find it helpful, and I am still sober. And, I am glad you are not physcialy dependent on it that would be far worse. Though alcoholism is a progressive disease, the physicall dependency doesnt come till later on. I am not saying this to be whatever i may be coming off as, I just worry is all, and I know how devastating alcohol can be and how it effects depression even worse, even though it numbs, its still a depressant. it makes you spiral down much faster, and that is why i worry about the alcohol thing. Anyhow, please do seek some sort of help. AA is free, and i think you can find places that offer free counseling services as well, though i dont much about how to find free counseling, perhaps someone else here does? Those are the only two things I can think of

Be well.
Blessings
~ravenwolf

Teh Wiccan · Aug 31, 2004

Avatar said:
Hi All, probably this is the wrong forum for this, but I need to talk to some folks. I can't speak with anyone who knows me because I'll wind up in a rubber room. I'm a father of six, who is deeply depressed. Depressed to the point that I consider suicide a dozen times a day. At the same time I'm afraid to die. I lie awake at night listening to my heart beat, wishing it would stop, and afraid that it will.

I feel such pain! Such unbelievable pain, every waking moment. I wouldn't have thought this possible a decade ago. But every moment now is suffering. I drink to escape the pain. Alcohol doesn't -never- makes me happy, it stops my anguish, for a time. Then the anguish returns stronger than ever, and I have to cope. Because I have an obligation to my kids, they need me, even as I am, they need me.

I don't have a real relationship with my wife anymore, but its not her fault. It's mine, it's the result of this illness. I can't cope anymore. I can't communicate. I work alone (janitor in a closed bar) and I always spend my time thinking, trying to work things out for myself. I'm my own therapist, I suppose. But it just keeps getting worse.

And the guilt I feel for not being enough to my children is Hell. (I thought for a minute what word to use there and 'Hell' is the most accurate.)

For those of you who don't understand, imagine being at a birthday party and feeling as though its a funeral. That's how I feel on the happiest occasion.

I can't handle this anymore. Please understand, I'm no troll looking to incite debate, I need help from you. I chose this forum because there are free-thinkers as well as Christians and those of other faiths. I need this to stop, one way or the other.

I've been down the same road... Except instead of drinking, I went for a long walk...

Avatar, one thing that I can assure you of is that life, and living is an amazing gift... During those times, even when it honestly seemed like there was nowhere I could turn, I always, always remembered that I friends who will never let me down, and always be there when I'm feeling most vulnerable... Think of how much you are loved by everybody, and brush aside those negative feelings... Never forget, that you are always loved.

Russebby · Sep 1, 2004

If wanted, I would be honored to go into greater depth about my own experiences with depression and suicide. But this thread is not about me, it is about someone else feeling pain.

It's been eight years since my second attempt, and I want to tell you this, that although I know problems seem to be overwhelming you now, if you can get through this, you will be thanking God every day the rest of your life for getting you through it, for not allowing you to die, and for simply being a human being. Many times we tend to lose sight of all that.

If you have a problem a doctor can help you with, by all means, get the help, physical, mental, or spiritual, that you need.

Beyond that, I know that the deepest darkest things inside you seem to be beyond words. And I know it seems no one on earth can understand them. But I am telling you that the reason why kids kill themselves is because whatever problems they have, they feel they cannot confide in anyone, that there is no solution to a problem, and that an abrupt end to the pain is better than enduring through it.

I told myself that I would never turn a soul away if he or she ever felt suicidal. Everyone else can talk cliches and tough love if they wish. For me, I know that the tension can be released by simply talking about it all, by having someone there who cares and does not judge.

So, if you truly need someone to talk to, email me russellanddebby@yahoo.com at your convenience. I will get back to you when I can, which ought to be soon, I check my mail at least once a day.

In closing, I just want you to believe that you are not alone in this world, that there are people who can help you, no matter the issue. And to up the ante, I invite you to email me, and maybe we can talk as needed. Everyone is welcome to mail me. Everyone needs someone to talk to, at least one person all to themselves, who will not judge. Maybe I am that person, for you, maybe not, but the door is open for you.

Take care, and God Bless you.

Strife · Sep 3, 2004

This thread is a very powerful one I can relate to. I couldnt help but reply.

Avatar...what can I say? Everyone's given there warm helpful replies, and I hope you do well for the days ahead aswell! :clap:

Hey..I'm 17 and I'm at an age well, where depression can seem like a forever dark shadow over my life. I've experienced depression so much to the point where I felt that each day I felt it would be my last.

Just yesterday one of my friends mentioned that he hated his life, right that moment I thought...I remembered this program I watched on t.v. a few days ago about these journalists who spent there time in Palistine, very dangerous place they were in. Well, it was based on two palestinian children, one a young boy and the other a girl. I gotta say, their lives, I feel bad for. Its not rare in their society to see new martyrs almost daily to catch the peoples attention.

Any who, the thought of life being miserable...not to be mean, but there are other lives in this world who would rather be in our position that we're in today. When I heard my friend say "I hate my life", I told him that we should be thankful that we're not starving like others are in this world. We're not living in a oppressed state, nor are we suffering from any diseases in our current lives. I say if we are down in life, we must gather all the will in us to pick ourselves back up and continue ourlives. We think we have suffered greatly than anything else in the world, but there is far worse suffering than mere depression that we have faced. Its in fact sad really to imagine our lives to be much worse than it is, but thinking that our lives isn't as worse as it compared to others can give us hope. It gives me the courage to get up, and rid myself of my depressed state. It also brings up my determination to help others...

Man, I almost made a mistake and missed one of your last replys. I'm sorry to hear about your past Avatar. I really feel sorry for your sister...as the days go by, the past becomes more distant to us eventually. Let bygones be bygones my friend and move on.

Plenty members here offer help, so if you need a hand, your overwhelmed and more than welcome for some!

Your compassionate bud, Strife.

Peace! :wave:

Buzz Dixon · Sep 3, 2004

Avatar, your life means a lot to your kids. Have the courage to struggle daily in order to be there for them is one of the greatest gifts of love you can show them, it's love persisting despite all temptation to make your own pain stop.

I agree with those who think you should see a doctor; this may definitely be a case of a chemical imbalance. You also need a support group, and if not AA then some 12-step program that can help you with depression. Call the local AA chapter and ask for information on those groups; the folks at AA will do everything they can to help you link up.

God bless you and keep you.

Animerulz400 · Sep 8, 2004

Avatar said:
Hi All, probably this is the wrong forum for this, but I need to talk to some folks. I can't speak with anyone who knows me because I'll wind up in a rubber room. I'm a father of six, who is deeply depressed. Depressed to the point that I consider suicide a dozen times a day. At the same time I'm afraid to die. I lie awake at night listening to my heart beat, wishing it would stop, and afraid that it will.

I feel such pain! Such unbelievable pain, every waking moment. I wouldn't have thought this possible a decade ago. But every moment now is suffering. I drink to escape the pain. Alcohol doesn't -never- makes me happy, it stops my anguish, for a time. Then the anguish returns stronger than ever, and I have to cope. Because I have an obligation to my kids, they need me, even as I am, they need me.

I don't have a real relationship with my wife anymore, but its not her fault. It's mine, it's the result of this illness. I can't cope anymore. I can't communicate. I work alone (janitor in a closed bar) and I always spend my time thinking, trying to work things out for myself. I'm my own therapist, I suppose. But it just keeps getting worse.

And the guilt I feel for not being enough to my children is Hell. (I thought for a minute what word to use there and 'Hell' is the most accurate.)

For those of you who don't understand, imagine being at a birthday party and feeling as though its a funeral. That's how I feel on the happiest occasion.

I can't handle this anymore. Please understand, I'm no troll looking to incite debate, I need help from you. I chose this forum because there are free-thinkers as well as Christians and those of other faiths. I need this to stop, one way or the other.

I probably don't ubderstand this like grown-ups, but yeah sometimes I feel like I could kill myself cause I'm so miserable. But hey you can't take stuff from a kid. Why are you so depressed? :sigh:

Animerulz400 · Sep 8, 2004

oops never mind anymore. But please don't comit suicide. no one should. And if you're christian or some other form of christianity what you're thinking of doing is a sin.

Shalia · Sep 8, 2004

Avatar said:
Hi All, probably this is the wrong forum for this, but I need to talk to some folks. I can't speak with anyone who knows me because I'll wind up in a rubber room. I'm a father of six, who is deeply depressed. Depressed to the point that I consider suicide a dozen times a day. At the same time I'm afraid to die. I lie awake at night listening to my heart beat, wishing it would stop, and afraid that it will.

I feel such pain! Such unbelievable pain, every waking moment. I wouldn't have thought this possible a decade ago. But every moment now is suffering. I drink to escape the pain. Alcohol doesn't -never- makes me happy, it stops my anguish, for a time. Then the anguish returns stronger than ever, and I have to cope. Because I have an obligation to my kids, they need me, even as I am, they need me.

I don't have a real relationship with my wife anymore, but its not her fault. It's mine, it's the result of this illness. I can't cope anymore. I can't communicate. I work alone (janitor in a closed bar) and I always spend my time thinking, trying to work things out for myself. I'm my own therapist, I suppose. But it just keeps getting worse.

And the guilt I feel for not being enough to my children is Hell. (I thought for a minute what word to use there and 'Hell' is the most accurate.)

For those of you who don't understand, imagine being at a birthday party and feeling as though its a funeral. That's how I feel on the happiest occasion.

I can't handle this anymore. Please understand, I'm no troll looking to incite debate, I need help from you. I chose this forum because there are free-thinkers as well as Christians and those of other faiths. I need this to stop, one way or the other.

I pray you are still around to read this message...

I spent most of the summer in and out of those rubber rooms. I'm bipolar type 1 <classic manic-depressive for those who didn't keep up with the politically correct changes in the 90's> and lived through hell this summer myself. Nearly killed myself twice. Started dissociating <which is another discussion> which made me even more dangerous to myself.

Point being? I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for those "rubber rooms". The hospital is NOT a bad place to be. It is NOT scary. Those old movies where they show people tied down and the whole place to be white and sterile are just bad movies. We had group therapy, did arts and crafts, had time to read, color, make friends, watch TV, exercise, etc. We had doctors and nurses around 24/7 who could help us when we started feeling like we wanted to h*rt ourselves, we had people who could give us the best medical care and current medicines to help. We had people who CARED and wanted us to feel better!

Listen, s**c*dal feelings are NOT normal, they are NOT OK, they are NOT how one is supposed to live! You deserve happiness, you deserve to love and be loved and you don't have to live like it. But just like people tell alcoholics, sometimes you have to step up and admit you have a problem. In this case, it's going to a hospital and saying "I've had repeated thoughts of h*rting myself, and I need help to stop". That's what they are there for. They WILL help you, and they are good at it. I owe my life and my sanity to mental health wards.

Give them a try. God gave us doctors for a reason. Give them a shot.

I pray you are still OK, and are willing to try. You are right, your family needs you, but they need you "whole". The hospital can do that faster than just about anything. In a few days they can have you on a med regiment, with a psychiatrist, and likely a therapist lined up when you walk out the door.

Good luck, and God bless.

Shalia

Shalia · Sep 8, 2004

Strife said:
Any who, the thought of life being miserable...not to be mean, but there are other lives in this world who would rather be in our position that we're in today. When I heard my friend say "I hate my life", I told him that we should be thankful that we're not starving like others are in this world. We're not living in a oppressed state, nor are we suffering from any diseases in our current lives. I say if we are down in life, we must gather all the will in us to pick ourselves back up and continue ourlives. We think we have suffered greatly than anything else in the world, but there is far worse suffering than mere depression that we have faced. Its in fact sad really to imagine our lives to be much worse than it is, but thinking that our lives isn't as worse as it compared to others can give us hope. It gives me the courage to get up, and rid myself of my depressed state. It also brings up my determination to help others...

But sometimes, it's not just "feeling bad" or "hating your life", do you understand that?

Let me quickly tell you about my fabulous summer. As I said elsewhere, I'm bipolar type 1, and I ultraradian cycle, which means if I'm not properly medicated, I can go from full blown manic <Are you there, God? What was that you said? yes, I hear voices and see things> and it's all sorts of groovy to wanting to kill myself in 20 minutes. I went from being minorly depressed with some anxiety to about to stab myself over a phone call. Why? Messed up brain chemestry, NOT "hating my life". I ended up in the hospital thinking God had said I was OK to drop my meds and seeing halos and demons and angels and <strange as it sounds> foxes the second time, why? Not cause I "hated my life" or "felt bad" but because of MESSED UP BRAIN CHEMISTRY.

Just about the worst thing to say to someone who's clinically depressed is "well others have it worse!" No, duh. No matter where you are in the world, someone has it worse than you. It's part of what makes someone feel depressed. "Why the heck am *I* feeling this darn crappy when I'm so much better off than most of the universe" is NOT a line of thought that's going to help anyone.

Sorry to go off on you there, but having BTDT, and pretty darn recently, and knowing from VERY personal experience what it's like to lose it and lose it badly, I can't sit still on this one.

Busybee · Sep 19, 2004

Haven't forgotten you and you're all still in my prayers!! :prayer:

childoftheking · Sep 21, 2004

Avatar said:
Hi All, probably this is the wrong forum for this, but I need to talk to some folks. I can't speak with anyone who knows me because I'll wind up in a rubber room. I'm a father of six, who is deeply depressed. Depressed to the point that I consider suicide a dozen times a day. At the same time I'm afraid to die. I lie awake at night listening to my heart beat, wishing it would stop, and afraid that it will.

I feel such pain! Such unbelievable pain, every waking moment. I wouldn't have thought this possible a decade ago. But every moment now is suffering. I drink to escape the pain. Alcohol doesn't -never- makes me happy, it stops my anguish, for a time. Then the anguish returns stronger than ever, and I have to cope. Because I have an obligation to my kids, they need me, even as I am, they need me.

I don't have a real relationship with my wife anymore, but its not her fault. It's mine, it's the result of this illness. I can't cope anymore. I can't communicate. I work alone (janitor in a closed bar) and I always spend my time thinking, trying to work things out for myself. I'm my own therapist, I suppose. But it just keeps getting worse.

And the guilt I feel for not being enough to my children is Hell. (I thought for a minute what word to use there and 'Hell' is the most accurate.)

For those of you who don't understand, imagine being at a birthday party and feeling as though its a funeral. That's how I feel on the happiest occasion.

I can't handle this anymore. Please understand, I'm no troll looking to incite debate, I need help from you. I chose this forum because there are free-thinkers as well as Christians and those of other faiths. I need this to stop, one way or the other.

Hi Avatar.....my advice would be to worship God during this difficult time. Seek God in prayer and read the bible. There is hope in God. Suicide is not the answer. God is THE ANSWER!!

Suicide, my own

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