sex in marriage advice

Thank you Ariel,
I will think about this for sometime.
cu

Ariel said:

I don't think that we are very good at changing ourselves. I honestly believe that we need the help of the Holy Spirit to direct our lives--to guide in us the right way, to inspire us to a greater love than we could ever have ourselves, to convict us when we go the wrong way:...

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I agree very much with the rest of your post. Only this first thing makes me wonder... Can we not come to seeing the right way to change also by doing the best we can on the terrain of communication, behavioural science, etc?

If we ask God for help, wouldn't we be guided to the sources available to mankind at this moment, books, TV, magazines?

Again, good questions, Watcher.

There are so many 'truths.' How do we know what is real, and what will really help? How can we know that a truth we embrace today is completely true, and not just partly true, or even a total lie?

When Jesus walked the earth, He said that He was "the Way, the Truth, and the Life," John 14:6. He is the truth.

He promised that we could come to know truth through the Holy Spirit whom He would send to us:

John 15:16 "'And I will pray to the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever--the Sprit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you.'"

This is the Spirit of truth who comes in you when you ask Jesus Christ, the Son of God, to be your Lord and Savior:

Romans 8:9(b) "Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His."

Everyone who belongs to Christ, who has truly had a born-again experience, has the Spirit of truth in them.

This is that same Spirit whom Jesus promised would lead us and guide us into all truth:

John 16:13 "However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come."

We also know that Jesus said to us that He will never leave us nor forsake us, Heb. 13:5, and that His sheep hear His voice, John 10:27.

If you belong to Christ, you have the right to hear His voice. Most often, He speaks through His word, the bible. The Holy Spirit wrote that bible through men. He NEVER contradicts Himself. Anything the Holy Spirit says will always be in agreement with the word of God. If anyone thinks they heard the Lord and what they heard is not in agreement with the bible, then that person did not hear God's voice.

Most often, the Lord leads by His word. Just by reading His word, He gives good counsel and direction.

But God can also speak to us directly, just as He did to Ananias when He told him to go to the street called Straight to pray for a man named Saul, Acts 9:11. He can convict us of sin as well, John 16:8. He can guide us in the right way, Psalm 32:7-8. He can direct our path--individually, letting us know that we are on the right path, especially when we compare it to His word, Psalm 119:105.

He promises that if we come to Him, He will take away our heavy burdens, Matthew 11:28-30. Most important, although the word of God says that we are all sinners, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23, and even tells us that the result of sin is death, Romans 6:23, God offers us a way out:

Acts 16:31 "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved...."

It is important to believe ON the Lord, that is, trusting in Him completely. It is not good enough to just believe IN Him, because the word of God says that even devils believe in God and tremble, James 2:19, but they are not saved.

How to do this? We realize that we are sinners, and that we deserve death. We believe that Jesus came to die on a cross for us to take that death, as a substitute sacrifice, giving Himself in place of us. We ask Him to be our Lord and Savior, inviting Him to come into our hearts.

We ask Him to forgive us of our sins, and He does, completely: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness," 1 John 1:9.

And we walk with Him, from day to day, asking Him to lead us, guide us, and direct us, as He has promised. We read His word, listening to His voice. And when we have a problem, we go to Him and ask for help.

Watcher, you are right that God can use counseling, books and other sources. But so many of these sources are filled with untruths, partial truths, and lies.

We have the Spirit of truth. We can go to Him, and ask Him to direct our lives.

buckshee said:

If we wonder why many women have a low sex interest (rather than drive) perhaps it's because they doesn't feel appreciated.

Generally men don't show their wives (from time to time) how much they appreciate them, or give a spontaneous kiss or hug, or compliment her on the way she looks and smells, nor tell he that she just cooked a great dinner. Try `dating' her again, on occassion, bring her flowers. And most important tell her how much you love her (but don't wait till you go to bed - or want sex, to say it). If we truly love her we should show it

It's little wonder that a wife isn't enthusiastic when the only time her husband comes close is when he wants sex. Women are generally romantics. Romance and sex aren't the same.
Oh yes there are plenty of other distractions such as kids, work etc. and they will have an effect

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I heard this on a sermon the other day..."Men use romance to get sex, and women use sex to get romance." I know my wife has stated that she wishes I was more romantic, so I've tried to take some action by doing little romantic things like stashing notes in her car,purse etc. telling her I love her so that she would find them throughout the day. So when she goes to eat lunch and sees that little note she knows I'm thinking about her. This seems to have sparked her sex drive quite a bit.

Phoenix women climax sexually around 30

Therefore it is not normal.

You both need to talk to identify key factors and perhaps take this to a professional, Best wishes

Ariel said:

...And we walk with Him, from day to day, asking Him to lead us, guide us, and direct us, as He has promised. We read His word, listening to His voice. And when we have a problem, we go to Him and ask for help....

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For I can only change bit by bit I will start to take this item and implement it, thanks for your words and advice.

watcher16 said:

For I can only change bit by bit I will start to take this item and implement it, thanks for your words and advice.

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Watcher, remember that you are much loved:

John 3:16-17 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved."

God loves you so much that He gave His only begotten Son...not to condemn you, but to save you. He loves you with an everlasting love, far greater than you can even know. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.

John 15:13 "Greater love has no man than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."

He will never take our will away from us. The choice is always ours. He offers His love, but it is up to us to choose to love Him or not, and to accept the offer of His Son who died to take away our sin and death.

I can think of no greater way to live my life than to choose to follow Him from day to day. I want to love Him with everything I have, because He loved me first.

ReUsAbLePhEoNiX said:

...now its more like every few weeks.
And I hate to be impolite with her or feel like I am being rude if I bring up the desire to do the wild thing. So I avoid the issue with her, becoming irritable inside, and many times avoid her because Its frustrating. Other than that issue we get along fine as husband and wife, happy together.

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WATCH OUT! ** Relationship in danger! **

<So I avoid the issue with her, becoming irritable inside, and many times avoid her because Its frustrating>

This is really the start of the end of your relationship! This issue will slowly starve your marriage or partnership. But being housemates can continue for long...

You must start talking. Check out other sources for how to start communicating, but START.

I know how difficult this can be, having had my own trouble, but things like depression and burnout can be caused by things like this. Believe me, you don't wish a depression for anybody.

My husband has no trouble w/talking to me about it, but I can't seem to talk to him about it myself...I'm pregnant now and my doctor told me I can't do it until well after the birth, and I'm desperately trying to deal with my pregnant overactive libido without letting him know I'm having trouble...
He's perfectly willing if I ask for it, but unfortunately not only am I not allowed, but nothing he does to try to help feels good at all, because of pregnant aches & pains that I can't control. (it's my first time so all my bones & muscles seem to be rearranging themselves, very painful.)
He's also frustrated and stressed out because he knows we're not supposed to, but he wants me to feel good...so he tries to find ways to help, but he can tell it just hurts, and that dissapoints him and makes him feel like he's doing something wrong. I know he misses it too, and I want to make him happy, but when I try it hurts me and so he can still tell that my heart isn't in it. He's always had a medium-high drive, and is sometimes high now too, where it used to be low, though it ranges from really high to nothing in minutes...but no matter what we want we're both having to avoid each other and it's driving us crazy!
Anyone got some advice?
This is so embarrassing...

That is a strange and unnatural advise, it must mean you have medical problems with the pregnancy?

As far as I know the extra libido of pregnant women is just a call of mother nature, ment to be like that.

And there are other ways to satisfy eachother than the positions that might cause pain to you. Are they against your religion?

Yes, there was some minor complication in the pregnancy & my doctor advised us to stop--though I think we would have stopped soon anyway because of the pain. Lol, not to be gross, Watcher16, but we've tried everything in the book...most things having to do with sex are not against our religion, if it's between a man & wife and in private. The real problem here is that we both don't want to, (too much pain/trouble) even though we both still crave it. I know there are libido-raising pills, but is there an anti-sexuality pill? Other than this one problem, we get along fine!

merryheart said:

I have always heard (and my personal experience supports it...) that a woman's sexual peak is in her mid thirties.

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Well, I'm somewhat past that myself, but I'm not finding that to be the case at all! Just a little hope out there for those whose spouses may be in their forties or later....

one of the biggest turn-ons for most women I have talked to is her husband's desire. NOT "I want sex" but "I want YOU" (FWIW)

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That's it, right there. There is no bigger turn-on than, "I want you, now, please!" Not, "I've gotta have 'it'" because that could mean just anybody would fill the bill, and to me, that's a complete turn-off. But unbridled, savage passion is a force difficult to resist...

Little thoughtful gestures would probably go a long way toward setting the scene. Send her a cute little e-card just to say "I was thinking about you." Do some small chore that you don't normally do, and she does, "just because I love you." Buy her a small gift for no particular reason. Offer to rub her shoulders if she seems tense. Spoon her at night, even if she doesn't seem interested in sex. You might be surprised at the results...

Good luck, and thanks for bringing up the subject! I suspect it's more of a concern than is usually mentioned in Christian circles.

~~Cheryl