What do you think?

"Leave and cleave."

If you feel bad because you didn't decide, then that's an issue you need to deal with. If it's because you had other plans, a simple "We have other plans" usually works. But if you go to everyone and say "I don't like this because..." you will cause problems.

Diplomacy is telling someone they're open minded when in fact they have a hole in their head.

I think it was rather poor planning for them to not ask for your input. Why were you not involved in the meeting? Just wondering if they may have thought that you all would like to go. However, for us, this summer travel is cut down due to rising gas prices and summer work, so such a trip without a lot of foreplanning would not be made by us. You should mention that you would like to be included in future decisions about this so that you are more able to schedule your time better, etc.

If it were my bonus check, my heap of inlaws would be funding their own vacations.

Its perfectly ok the way you feel. I agree with Svet4Him. Try to have a great time and not to cause conflict. That would totally honor your wife especially if she knows how you feel already.

plan ahead for next year, YOU pick the destination (like camping in your backyard, that way you can go on a real vacation with just your immediate family)

Hate to be the one to say this, but really, are you unable to say no? They can decide whatever they like, even a vacation on the moon. But no one makes you plan a vacation. Either you say that works, or you say that doesn't work for you. If you don't want to go, fine, don't. When was the last time you decided on what house they should buy? What car should they buy? etc. You don't. I have a difficult time understanding why anyone would say boo that you are or aren't able to make it. If you can't make it, you can't. If they want to change their plans to accomodate everyone, great.
Now having said that, do you want to go? If you do, what's the big deal? Go.
So I'm assuming since you're having issues, you must be not wanting to go. If that's the case, why are going?

If it were me, I'd go.

There's another thread here about 'male submission in the marriage' you might want to peruse, which talks about headship, but also that we still need to submit ourselves to one another. Part of that submission is dying to self for our families.

I firmly believe that if you submit yourself in this case, God will honour you and bless you in a way that will make this trip rewarding to you, more than you ever expected.


"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way."

Hmmm..... how impolite of them to have not included you in their planning. *wrinkles nose* I would sure hope that in being generous enough to go visit with your wife's family, she would be just as giving the next time that you have a chance to do what you want, like visit your family.

We often have similar situations since our family is so spread out across the country. Literally thousands of miles apart. If we can't afford to make it to a reunion we just tell the rest of the family that. We try to keep on good terms with everyone and keep everything upbeat. So far there have been no big issues.

I think most people will understand. Just try to keep everything positive and don't focus on the negative. Don't say you are upset because you weren't included in the decision and try to make sure and visit everyone when you can. It doens't have to be a negative thing unless you decide to take offense.

Well, you don't say whether it's your wife or her family who's making you feel like a heel. I'm going to assume it's her family that's causing the problem, so I'll base my reply on that.

If your wife really wants to go, then try to have a good attitude and a good time on this vacation. However, if neither one of you really wants to go, then what on earth makes you think you are obligated? Just tell the in-laws you've both decided you can't really afford it after all.

Nor do I see any problem (assuming they're usually this overbearing) in lovingly telling them that from now on you'd like to be included in the planning stage.

I agree with the posts so far. Part of the family may have made plans, but in making them, that does not obligate you and yours to those plans. No one is forcing you, unless, of course, they are holding one of your children as ransom.

As for being made to feel like a heel, I'm assuming for now that it is the wife's family, rather than the wife, since we are all lacking the information. Just as they cannot decide for the two of you, they cannot determine your feelings. Just as easily as people can dismiss the feelings of others, we can also dismiss comments meant to elicit certain feelings. It is also possible to respond to inappropriate comments with politeness.

Here's an example:

"I can't believe you're being so selfish. Everyone, but you is in agreement on this. But if you want to ruin it for all of us, go ahead!"

"It makes me feel good to know how much you value our presence, but I'm sure you're underestimating the company that will be there. I regret we won't be able to make it this time."

It's a bit of an aquired skill to do this without being sarcastic. When the skill fails you, silence is better.

If you think that confrontation is called for, always do this after prayer. Only God knows how to present the truth in love. We're horrible at it, assuming we know the truth of the matter to begin with. God can step in and handle the confrontation through you, if it's His Will to begin with.

Peter said:

My families summer vacation is funded solely with my works bonus check.

Here's how I feel. I feel I am being told how I am going to spend my money.

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The following has nothing to do with whether you should or shouldn't go:

The resources that you and your wife have together, financial or otherwise, come from God. He provides for the two of you.

If you used your bonus check to pay the household bills and the money for the vacation was earned by your wife, would that make a difference? Would you be less upset? Whatever God provides through you and whatever God provides through your wife is provided to your family.

Peter said:

We're going, don't get me wrong. But I don't much like the idea of being made to feel like a heel for my reluctance.

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First of all, if you're going to go, then drop the ill feelings. They're just going to spoil the vacation and waste your bonus check. If you just go with the flow you'll probably have a good time.

But my wife and I have a rule; she deals with her family and I deal with mine. I don't want them mad at her, but I'm a blood relation, so they're stuck with me. I would talk to my wife and let her know how I felt. You don't want to be the ugly brother-in-law, but if she tells her family that she shouldn't have been left out of the decision process, it should keep the problem from happening again. Once they bring her in, she can always say she wants to consult with you first.

For what it's worth, we had the same problem with my mom. Mom's a wonderful woman, but she will insist on planning things. I had to learn to tell her that I wanted to check with my wife first. Now the two of them plan for me to do things without asking me, but I'm okay with that.

Hope this helps.