- Jun 13, 2002
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It's been a while since I've been in here. Actually, it's been a while since I've really posted on CFs period. I don't know if anyone really remembers, but for a long time I have been doing serious battle with depression. Every day has been a struggle to get out of bed, and every day I had to deal with the terrible urge to self-injure. I tried going to therapy, but all the talk of the past was actually making things worse instead of better. It wasn't that there was some healthy dredging going on, just that I was already so miserable anyway that dwelling on bad experiences made me feel even worse. There was no sense of relief.
I went to my doctor at the beginning of the week and had a talk with him, and he seems to think that I am seriously depressed and could benefit from medication. The only tricky part is that he believes that I might be bi-polar, and that would take a different drug therapy than just treating standard depression. Still, what has really made an impression on me is how much better I am feeling already, even though I have only been on meds for a week. I don't think that the medication is what is really making the difference, at least not directly. They say that it can take weeks to really elicit change. Still, I think that it is a sense of hope that is helping me to feel better. It is such a breath of fresh air to think that I won't always have to live in such sadness, that I will one day be able to look at my daughter and take real joy from being with her. I will one day be able to shrug off the weight from my shoulders and love my husband like he deserves, instead of being overly cranky because of my high anxiety levels because of the depression.
For so long, I prayed and prayed that God would take this from me. I never want to be the kind of person that neglects my family, but that is what I do when I can't even find myself through the sadness. It makes everyone miserable, and I just prayed for some relief for all of us, for the sake of keeping our family together. Still, I was so intimidated by the idea of having to sit down with someone and ask for their help and admit that I had a very serious problem, and that I was on the verge of suicide, that nothing ever seemed to happen. I wonder at times if what was stopping the opperation of God's blessings was ME, that maybe He wanted to work through my doctor, and I was standing in the way of my own relief. I understand that this is must the beginning of a long, long journey- but I think that I am finally ready for it. I am just so very thankful that God never turned His back on me, even when I let my pride and fear get in the way. I know that I should always expect that level of loving and compassion, but sometimes it is like a brand new experience to realize just how different God is from the people around me, that even when I'm at my darnedest he is still supportive and loving. Now I guess I just have to learn how to get myself out of the way when I ask for His help. lol 
I went to my doctor at the beginning of the week and had a talk with him, and he seems to think that I am seriously depressed and could benefit from medication. The only tricky part is that he believes that I might be bi-polar, and that would take a different drug therapy than just treating standard depression. Still, what has really made an impression on me is how much better I am feeling already, even though I have only been on meds for a week. I don't think that the medication is what is really making the difference, at least not directly. They say that it can take weeks to really elicit change. Still, I think that it is a sense of hope that is helping me to feel better. It is such a breath of fresh air to think that I won't always have to live in such sadness, that I will one day be able to look at my daughter and take real joy from being with her. I will one day be able to shrug off the weight from my shoulders and love my husband like he deserves, instead of being overly cranky because of my high anxiety levels because of the depression.
For so long, I prayed and prayed that God would take this from me. I never want to be the kind of person that neglects my family, but that is what I do when I can't even find myself through the sadness. It makes everyone miserable, and I just prayed for some relief for all of us, for the sake of keeping our family together. Still, I was so intimidated by the idea of having to sit down with someone and ask for their help and admit that I had a very serious problem, and that I was on the verge of suicide, that nothing ever seemed to happen. I wonder at times if what was stopping the opperation of God's blessings was ME, that maybe He wanted to work through my doctor, and I was standing in the way of my own relief. I understand that this is must the beginning of a long, long journey- but I think that I am finally ready for it. I am just so very thankful that God never turned His back on me, even when I let my pride and fear get in the way. I know that I should always expect that level of loving and compassion, but sometimes it is like a brand new experience to realize just how different God is from the people around me, that even when I'm at my darnedest he is still supportive and loving. Now I guess I just have to learn how to get myself out of the way when I ask for His help. lol
stories like this give people like me hope, welcome back 
