hi all,
As a few of you may know, I have bipolar 1. I was diagnosed around ten years ago. My parents always thought it was because of genetics, because my maternal grand aunt was retarded (I do not know what she had, but she had the IQ of a toddler) and 1 of my paternal uncle had a personality disorder that made him act impulsively and start a lot of fist fights.
Recently, I talked to my maternal and paternal uncles and aunts, and they all told me that they believed I do not have my paternal uncle and my maternal grand aunt's illness, one likely low IQ and the other probably middle to low functioning psychopathy.
I have also tested for slightly above average IQ, around 140, my mother got her results and her score was slightly below average, my father average, but on the low side.
My parents have always been very cruel to me. my mother was extremely strict towards me since a young age, and when my brother was born five years late, she became very cold and withdrawn towards me. I distinctly remember how I fell (I was 8) and skinned my knee terribly. to this day I have the scar and I'm almost thirty, and she ignored me while I was crying (even though I hardly cried) and continued to teach my brother how to read. She also reported my 'misbehaviour' such as being annoyed with her and using a bad word ( mild ones like "shut up"). Every little thing I did she had to tell my father, who would either yell at me or slap me. I was annoyed easily, still am. anyway my father was worse. like I've said, he would shout at me or slap me, and whenever I had ideas about anything, he would shoot them down. it's only after I was diagnosed with bipolar they stopped their cruel abuse and started being genial to me. which is actually what hurts even more. they weren't genial with me because they loved me, but because they finally 'understood' why I was so 'difficult', and that it was 'genetic' and I couldn't 'help' being that way.
the truth is, they were the only people in my life who thought I was difficult. everyone else, adult or peers, recognised my high IQ and maturity for my age.
I can't help but think that I developed bipolar because of my parents. they didn't want a child, they wanted a robot. my brother was the model child, he did everything they wanted and asked him to. I was precocious, I had a very active mind and got bored and annoyed often. I asked them questions they didn't understand so they thought I was the one with low iq.
I know both my family grew up in non conducive environments. my father was the last child in a 13 children household. he had no time to read or do anything good for his mental development. he had no educated parents to guide him either. his mother died when he was five, when his father came back from his work trip only to know his wife had died, he stopped talking and sat on his rocking chair all day, everyday, never uttering a word. he died a few years later. my father grew up with no worthy role models. he was also an introvert, and he was bad at presenting himself, and they were dirt poor anyway, so his idols are people who are poor but still made time to entertain or help other poor children. to this day he has a distaste for anything 'luxurious'. we are no longer poor but he likes to dress in faded clothes and keeps his hair unkempt. He talks loudly, almost rudely. this is the picture of someone worthy of respect, to him. and then he puzzles over why some people doesn't like to associate with him. He has average IQ, but on the low side, his beliefs and worldview are strongly affected by emotion. there is almost no introspection. But he is good at other things, because of his high profile job, he has learnt how to deal with dangerous people, like mob bosses, et cetera.
Disclaimer my father is not involved in anything illegal, he is a consultant for hotel management issues and some of the people who hire him are connected to the mafia, or other secret societies.
As for my mother, only she turned out the way she is. my aunt and uncle are very emotionally intelligent. I have an explanation for this. My grandmother probably has low IQ as well, the way she behaves. My grandfather divorced her when my mother and her siblings were 3 years old. My grandma sent my uncle to New York to study, and my mom and aunt were left with her. My aunt was very young, and since my uncle was away at New York and my grandma had to work long hours to be able to pay the bills, my mom, as young as age 5, had to take care of her little sister, and do the cooking, cleaning, and they didn't have a car, so she had to walk to school. my grandma returned from work late at night, and my mom had to pick her little sister from one of the bus stops, so from five years of age to fifteen, she had to run to the bus stop daily to pick my aunt up. my aunt was very young, so my grandma had no choice but to ask my mom to pick her up. my mom had to run because my grandma didn't want my aunt to wait too long at the bus stop because she was young and tiny.
they could hardly afford any food, so my mom probably didn't have much nutrients to grow her brain, all her life, and because she liked sports, she probably didn't have enough nutrients at all, both for her body and brain. Also, my grandma used to be one hell of a volcano. she was very strict with my mom, my mom was always terrified of her getting angry.
I know the histories of both my parents, but still, I feel so angry. and I feel hurt. I can't help but feel that if they were smarter or more educated or had more patience I wouldn't have ended up with bipolar. Most people with bipolar apparently have average or below average IQ, all the more convinces me that mine isn't hereditary. but I know my parents love me. it was just very circumstantial, everything was. but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. it's been ten years since I was diagnosed, and it still hurts so much.
As a few of you may know, I have bipolar 1. I was diagnosed around ten years ago. My parents always thought it was because of genetics, because my maternal grand aunt was retarded (I do not know what she had, but she had the IQ of a toddler) and 1 of my paternal uncle had a personality disorder that made him act impulsively and start a lot of fist fights.
Recently, I talked to my maternal and paternal uncles and aunts, and they all told me that they believed I do not have my paternal uncle and my maternal grand aunt's illness, one likely low IQ and the other probably middle to low functioning psychopathy.
I have also tested for slightly above average IQ, around 140, my mother got her results and her score was slightly below average, my father average, but on the low side.
My parents have always been very cruel to me. my mother was extremely strict towards me since a young age, and when my brother was born five years late, she became very cold and withdrawn towards me. I distinctly remember how I fell (I was 8) and skinned my knee terribly. to this day I have the scar and I'm almost thirty, and she ignored me while I was crying (even though I hardly cried) and continued to teach my brother how to read. She also reported my 'misbehaviour' such as being annoyed with her and using a bad word ( mild ones like "shut up"). Every little thing I did she had to tell my father, who would either yell at me or slap me. I was annoyed easily, still am. anyway my father was worse. like I've said, he would shout at me or slap me, and whenever I had ideas about anything, he would shoot them down. it's only after I was diagnosed with bipolar they stopped their cruel abuse and started being genial to me. which is actually what hurts even more. they weren't genial with me because they loved me, but because they finally 'understood' why I was so 'difficult', and that it was 'genetic' and I couldn't 'help' being that way.
the truth is, they were the only people in my life who thought I was difficult. everyone else, adult or peers, recognised my high IQ and maturity for my age.
I can't help but think that I developed bipolar because of my parents. they didn't want a child, they wanted a robot. my brother was the model child, he did everything they wanted and asked him to. I was precocious, I had a very active mind and got bored and annoyed often. I asked them questions they didn't understand so they thought I was the one with low iq.
I know both my family grew up in non conducive environments. my father was the last child in a 13 children household. he had no time to read or do anything good for his mental development. he had no educated parents to guide him either. his mother died when he was five, when his father came back from his work trip only to know his wife had died, he stopped talking and sat on his rocking chair all day, everyday, never uttering a word. he died a few years later. my father grew up with no worthy role models. he was also an introvert, and he was bad at presenting himself, and they were dirt poor anyway, so his idols are people who are poor but still made time to entertain or help other poor children. to this day he has a distaste for anything 'luxurious'. we are no longer poor but he likes to dress in faded clothes and keeps his hair unkempt. He talks loudly, almost rudely. this is the picture of someone worthy of respect, to him. and then he puzzles over why some people doesn't like to associate with him. He has average IQ, but on the low side, his beliefs and worldview are strongly affected by emotion. there is almost no introspection. But he is good at other things, because of his high profile job, he has learnt how to deal with dangerous people, like mob bosses, et cetera.
Disclaimer my father is not involved in anything illegal, he is a consultant for hotel management issues and some of the people who hire him are connected to the mafia, or other secret societies.
As for my mother, only she turned out the way she is. my aunt and uncle are very emotionally intelligent. I have an explanation for this. My grandmother probably has low IQ as well, the way she behaves. My grandfather divorced her when my mother and her siblings were 3 years old. My grandma sent my uncle to New York to study, and my mom and aunt were left with her. My aunt was very young, and since my uncle was away at New York and my grandma had to work long hours to be able to pay the bills, my mom, as young as age 5, had to take care of her little sister, and do the cooking, cleaning, and they didn't have a car, so she had to walk to school. my grandma returned from work late at night, and my mom had to pick her little sister from one of the bus stops, so from five years of age to fifteen, she had to run to the bus stop daily to pick my aunt up. my aunt was very young, so my grandma had no choice but to ask my mom to pick her up. my mom had to run because my grandma didn't want my aunt to wait too long at the bus stop because she was young and tiny.
they could hardly afford any food, so my mom probably didn't have much nutrients to grow her brain, all her life, and because she liked sports, she probably didn't have enough nutrients at all, both for her body and brain. Also, my grandma used to be one hell of a volcano. she was very strict with my mom, my mom was always terrified of her getting angry.
I know the histories of both my parents, but still, I feel so angry. and I feel hurt. I can't help but feel that if they were smarter or more educated or had more patience I wouldn't have ended up with bipolar. Most people with bipolar apparently have average or below average IQ, all the more convinces me that mine isn't hereditary. but I know my parents love me. it was just very circumstantial, everything was. but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. it's been ten years since I was diagnosed, and it still hurts so much.
