Hello. I am feeling desperate, I don't know what to do. I don't want to sound crazy. I came here with the hopes that those with open minds will see my case. Nobody I know has faith/belief in much of anything so I don't have many places I can talk about this. My best friend who is a Christian is just so nice and will not understand what I'm trying to say and I would feel foolish to tell her, because I know what she would say, "Everyone has darkness in them sometimes, it doesn't mean you're evil!" which is so kind but I know that if I really expressed to her the entirety of my feelings and experience it would just be upsetting, and I also don't want to bring attention to myself like that, so I'm trying out this anonymous forum to see what others that don't otherwise know me think.
Anyways, I at times am overcome with such extreme hatred and passion for destruction and causing suffering for others and pure selfishness that I lash out, and even if I don't lash out, my thoughts are so awful, so evil and my whole body is burning like it's on fire with hatred, and I can so succinctly feel the presence of evil engorging me, really like a demon is controlling me. And not only that, but all of the time I can feel this inner evil that feels like dark throbbing pain in my chest and it makes me fantasize about exploding and sometimes the utter desperation of feeling like I am inherently evil really makes me want to end it, I feel like I aught to end it because I'm a force of suffering on the world, a force of evil that needs to be eradicated! But it is my selfishness and desire that keeps me from actually doing it, along with an understanding that I could never do that to my parents, who are so holy for loving me, even when throughout childhood and my whole life I've been an utterly selfish, manipulative, and borderline sociopathic person. Before you say, "You are so guilty and harsh on yourself because there is goodness in you", well sure in this moment there may be realization of the evil inside me and guilt about it, but in the moment of action when this dark energy is coursing through me, I find it almost impossible to deny what it wants me to do, I know I have followed its orders more often than I have been able to overcome it.
The only relief I have sometimes is when I pray to Jesus. I've literally never been a Christian in my life, but I had a dream some months back of being trapped in a haunted house and possessed by a demon and all I could do was sit there and wallow in misery, which is like a metaphor for my life a little. Jesus came to me and told me the only way out of the haunted house was through him, which was crazy because I'm serious, I've read the bible and everything because I am deeply spiritual but I've never felt especially called to the Christian religion or to Jesus. So I think that was pretty convincing, especially since the times where I do feel that Jesus is helping me, I actually do feel relief and it even helps me overcome the urge to be selfish. Alas, the feeling of darkness is so strong in me, that I feel as if I can't escape it, I feel like it's becoming so bad that my spirit itself will become corrupted and I'll no longer be "human" in that sense and thus Jesus could no longer help me, because I would be purely a demonic sprit inside. I feel like that is already the case, a little bit.
Well, I would really appreciate any advice. Please don't just say I'm "deluded" or something. All reality is subjective to perception and when things happen to people that they feel they can't deny, it must be taken at face value lest there be an ocean of distance between yours and their experience. The first step to addressing another's problems is meeting them on the island of reality that they're on. That's what I think, at least.
