How To Kindly Avert Nosy Questions At New Church

AFLady71 · Feb 25, 2023

I moved to a new town and want to start going to church, but as a married lady of 51 who suffers from anxiety and Aspergers, I don't know if I should for a few reasons.
1. I'd really like to walk through the door, find my seat and not be hounded by a ton of questions like what church I came from, what do I do, how many kids do I have, where's my husband, why did I choose that church, etc. I'm a very private person and would love to make new friends but I don't like talking about myself. Ironic, I know.
2. There's always some person (usually older with no manners) who has to give you a spiritual shakedown to see if you're worthy enough to befriend that keeps me from going. I don't know how to politely say I'd rather not answer that or why are you asking me all these questions? Obviously, if I come to your church, I'm looking to be fed from the Word and worship. That should be good enough but it never is. If you say you're uncomfortable answering questions, they think you have something to hide when I feel like they have no right or need to know.

Should I just stay home? Or would saying, "I don't know if I'm ready to share anything personal about myself until I get a feel for the church and want to come back." Would that be acceptable? Any more suggestions would be appreciated.

By_the_Book · Feb 25, 2023

I value my privacy but thank you for your interest.

sandman · Feb 25, 2023

You could tell them you are looking to get healed from monkey pox ………. Probably not.

Actually the thought of going is worse than going. You have already relived that situation several times and most of the time the thought is much worse…

Adjust your thinking and go in with the attitude of …..God what can I do to bless your people (my spiritual family) in this new environment.

Go in with an attitude of love and giving …and see how God will bless you with that kind of heart.

godisagardener · Feb 25, 2023

I'm much the same way so I understand where you're coming from. I can take just so many questions from people at church before becoming really uncomfortable. And I've been a member of my current church for many years and have good relationships with the other members! I normally just try to change the subject without being too obvious about it.

You might say that you appreciate their interest but you're nervous in new situations, that perhaps you can talk another time when you're more comfortable with the surroundings. Or just tell them you're new in town and checking out churches.

Depending on the size of the congregation, you might not even be approached with questions, at least until you've been there a few times.

Ask God for patience and to lessen your anxiety.

Unqualified · Feb 25, 2023

I think your answers are fine, just be honest. Maybe walk out if they are too much to handle as not the right church. Self control is something that should be taught and respect for boundaries. So put out a few boundaries. Maybe that’s what they are even looking for- contact! Life is a contact sport in some ways.

I think you are very brave to consider going to church. Maybe you are wanting to be obedient to the lord- admirable.
it’s the atmosphere we need to learn and grow and put the Bible into practice. I hope you find a good one that teaches the whole Bible. Blessings.

Paidiske · Feb 25, 2023

Maybe think of two or three questions you'd like to ask, to get to know a bit more about the church and whether it might suit you? Then you can deflect by asking your questions and inviting them to tell you a bit about the church.

TzephanYahu · Feb 26, 2023

Hi @AFLady71
I understand your heart on this matter as I'm a very private person too.

However, I think what you ought to do is ask yourself what your motive is for going to church.

The fundamental reason one whould go is for community and socialising with Christians. If you go there seeking deep teaching, they're likely going to be found wanting. If you go there for worship, you might not like the worship songs or the environment.

Therefore, in essence, the heart of going to church is getting to know everyone and to be known by everyone, for the purposes of support, exhortation, advice and fellowship. If you don't want these things, then you ought to question what it is you want by attending.

Peace

BobRyan · Feb 26, 2023

If you were going on a job interview you would anticipate certain questions and have thought out an answer to them that was as positive as possible.

It appears you have already listed those questions in your post - so good on you. Since you want to make friends without giving out much information and you want to avoid a total asperger type response where you have not thought out that full scope of that response... try writing down what you think is the best generic response.

Although you will have to decide what you "really" think is too much info , please consider some examples like this

If you don't wish to name your former church , come up with some generic term for it

"I went to a very friendly protestant church in a town about 300 miles from here" or something of that sort.

"My husband could not (or did not want to) join me today - but he may come at some later time".
"I found this church on the internet, I am new in town and want to make connections with other Christians'

timf · Feb 26, 2023

I found in most churches people will ignore you. With ones that tend towards interrogation, you can deflect some intrusive interest with the following;

1. I am rather shy and it takes me some time to open up about personal things.
2. I appreciate your interest, but for me sharing personal details takes some time.
3. I know it may seem unfriendly, but I move at a slower pace to share personal details.

You might consider, but not use, a humorous response;

1. I get flustered when interrogated and my parole officer said that if I kill just one more person, they could send me back to prison.
2. Could I interest you in a multi-level marketing opportunity.
3. I am sorry the electro-convulsive therapy hasn't left me with much of a memory.
4. They told me at witness protection not to share personal information.

Maria Billingsley · Feb 26, 2023

Everyone attends church for different reasons. If I was bombarded with people wanting to know who I am and what I am about I would be shocked , this type of congregation is rare. So in some ways you're lucky to have a potential spiritual family that actually cares about you.
That being said, you are a private person and I completely understand your position. I think the best way to avoid interaction, until you have made your decision, is to come in just after the start of service then slip out just before it ends. This may sound strange to you but it's better this way so no feelings get hurt.
Blessings.

disciple Clint · Feb 27, 2023

The standard for avoiding answering a question is to ask a question. they say how old are you, you say thanks for asking by the way how long have you attended this church? be ready with more questions about their church, control the conversation and learn about their church at the same time, after all that is what you are there for, right?

Bobber · Feb 27, 2023

So tell them that very thing. I'm a very private person and would love to make new friends but I don't like talking about myself.

Consider the possibility you're being too judgmental by saying you're getting a spiritual shakedown. They just merely might want to make you feel welcome and engage in conversation.

Sorry AF but you don't know what's going on in people's minds. I'd say you're being way to suspicious thinking the worse of people and not the best. Sure you can always get some nut thinking the way you said it but don't be quick to thinking they're being unkind. By in their way of thinking it might be they're trying to make you feel welcome. I mean really what do you want church people to do. Never try to have a conversation with anybody? I've heard tons of more people say they were offended when no body even attempted to come up and talk to them.

I'd say it would be but who knows you could have a nut in the congregation who doesn't use wisdom. But don't write off a whole church for the actions of one as it would be very tragic that if you stayed and went from week to week you eventually would make some good friends. Even the one who offended you might come to the place of knowing they didn't mean to and that you forgive even as Christ has forgiven you.

Mark Quayle · Mar 3, 2023

I don't like being pointed at. "I see we have a visitor today. Would you please stand up?" And I don't want a follow-up visit.

Worse, I hate it when we welcome others at a specific moment. Feels fake.

godisagardener · Mar 3, 2023

I totally agree, and I believe that's one reason some folks go to large churches rather than small. A new face at a smaller church sticks out like a sore thumb and for some reason or another has to be called attention to. Also, many small churches tend to do the monthly birthday recognition, stand if you're a mother on Mother's Day, stand if you're a father on Father's Day, hold up your hand if it's your anniversary this month, etc. I may seem like a horrible person

but I think these types of recognition tend to make people feel left out or different if they don't fit into a category. Which I guess is a whole other topic.

Most churches I've been to have had the slips at the pews to fill out if you're a visitor and ask if you'd like to be contacted, etc. Maybe that's not a thing any more, but it did give people the opportunity to say no or not fill it out at all.

Sometimes it's nice to be an anonymous face in a crowd...

Wyatt A. · Mar 4, 2023

Your absolutely right.
I would find a church that teaches the ENTIRE word of God, cover to cover. People who attend "the church" are also looking for the same things you're looking for.
If someone thinks you have to be worthy enough to attend "their" church then that church is not worthy enough for God. We attend church because we are "not" worthy. Only God is worthy and we attend church to hear from Him.

Calvary Chapel. If there's any in your area.

lismore · May 1, 2023

You could ask them a question or two in return, if they're talking about themselves then they won't be asking about you. Or you could move the conversation round to a neutral subject, ask questions about the new church for example. God Bless

SavedByGrace3 · May 1, 2023

We have to give people the benefit of the doubt and not just assume they have bad intentions.
Also, I have heard similar complaints that when people go to a new church "nobody says a word to me... it's like they do not even care..."
So it can go either way. I suspect it is a matter of perceptions. That is why you have to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they genuinely care and want to make contact. Sometimes you even have to give a little.

How To Kindly Avert Nosy Questions At New Church

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