Did I scare her off?

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 · Nov 16, 2022

coffee4u said:
Simply asking her on a date is showing interest, but holding hands like you did is fine. I just would not come on so strong so soon with the future or what you want in a wife, not at 20. I would keep it lighter and more casual. Talk about deeper issues as they come up, get to know them.
Make sure you are someone worthy of a Godly wife.
Don't be desperate.
As I said in a previous post the brain doesn't finish developing until 25 and you may find you are a different person by 26 then you are now and the same goes for her. Try asking people you know who are 26 and older, if they are different from when they were 18.
You could marry 'this person' and in 6 years find they or you are married to 'someone else'
Now it is possible to marry early and have a great marriage but getting married young shouldn't be something you strive to do, If it happens it happens and I would suggest any couple who marry young to get Christian marriage counseling. My own daughter may be getting married young, but she and her boyfriend have been seeing each other for 4 years so nothing has been rushed and I have told them the same thing, Christian marriage counseling.

Church is a good place, also Christian camps.

My daughter said "Don't go looking for a relationship, just do what you enjoy and you can meet like minded people who enjoy the same thing."

But you see, Was I needy and insecure? Yes. But she was the one who brought up the questions about the future. Not me. I just went along with it. All I did was telling her I was looking for something serious and asking if she was looking for the same thing. Then I dropped the needy lines of "Ive been looking for someone, my last date was a year ago, what did you see in me?" type stuff. After that we held hands. And later she asked me about the future.

I just keep asking myself how a short moment of neediness and insecurity can ruin everything specially when she asked about the future and mentioned about husband and wife type stuff after me being needy. You know what I mean? The math ain't mathing.

She does come from a military household and she does give off a little bit of masculine vibes when she walks and the way she dresses outside of the dates. Maybe girls that grow up in a military household see insecurity and neediness as evil. Honestly, if I didn't know she was a christian, I would never have asked her out. She is beautiful, but the way she presents herself did confuse me a little.

Also, I got another question. When it comes to holding hands, should I ask the girl for permission or should I just go for it? Who initiates it, the man or woman?

Next time I will just treat the girl like a friend. But I will add a little bit of flirtation to not get friendzoned. I will get to know her, have fun, and let her see the real me. Because I am confident in my self. I know I am a catch. The problem I have is putting that out there for the girl to see as I am very reserved.

FutureAndAHope · Nov 17, 2022

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:
Later she says that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, that her family was going through a hard time, and when that happens, she distances her self from others. I thought that was weird.

This could be a real issue for her. You may not understand it, but she could have been experiencing hurt, and was needing you to be empathetic, to sympathise, to understand.

She may or may not have heard from God regarding you being together. The only way to turn that around is not to contact her (for dating), but to pray about it. If she is the kind of person who prays deeply, about who or who she is not to be with, you need to get on that same level and pray diligently yourself. God can change situations around as we get serious about Him. There is a story of a King in the Bible to whom God sent a prophet to tell him he would die of sickness. The king prayed to God with heartfelt prayer. The prophet then got a new message from God, that he would not die but have more years.

coffee4u · Nov 17, 2022

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:
But you see, Was I needy and insecure? Yes. But she was the one who brought up the questions about the future. Not me.

Okay sorry I thought it was you who brought it up. In that case chalk it up as experience. Learn from it and move on.

Jody McKinniss · Dec 7, 2022

I must agree with Coffee here. Society's values have plummeted to depths of depravity that I cannot even begin to understand. The founding fathers of this country would be sickened if they knew how far we've wandered away from God and the Christian values that we were founded upon.
Side note for Trusting in Him: You said that in the beginning of a relationship, much communication is nonverbal, and that failure to communicate in this way can be a rather large impediment to connection and progress. While I grant that you are correct, I believe that for as much as all of this "communicating" nonverbally that occurs, society has forgotten how to truly "communicate", and does not really do so at all. All one has to do is take a look at the headline news, look at the ridiculous missives in your email inbox, or stroll down the cityscape of social media that is filled with useless hyperbole surrounded by innumerable emojis, to discover that what society calls communication today accomplishes much of nothing and is no more substantial than superficial small talk by two strangers who pass on the sidewalk. This lack of communication has infected every aspect of society, and has become so pervasive that families have lost their truly cohesive bond that God designed; children and parents today have become simple roommates who share the same address but lead separate lives, and often problems go unnoticed and unresolved until tragedy strikes.
Moreover, I can attest to the fact that it is possible to develop a meaningful connection and a lasting relationship without being able to interpret these nonverbal things; words do matter. I am totally blind; I have been since birth. I met my fiancée four and a half years ago, and while I cannot communicate with eye contact, and I cannot see facial expressions, we have spent many a night talking past the rising of the sun. We are deeply committed and looking forward to the day when we are wed. We are both believers. As for me, words are extremely important and carry much more weight than people think they do. "Say what you mean and mean what you say" is a motto we should all aspire to live by. There is a reason that the Bible says that life and death are in the power of the tongue. (Proverbs 18:21).

dreamingjoeinjail · Dec 10, 2022

I believe that you can't "come on too strong" for the woman that God has for you. Like Goldilocks & the 3 bears, it will be just right.

You said what she believes God is saying to her. Has he said anything to you?

I also believe that God will do whatever he wants to do however he wants to do it. What I mean is that what God has ordained for you can't even be messed up or missed by you. ESPECIALLY if you are constantly seeking him and his will/direction.

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 · Dec 12, 2022

disciple Clint said:
I do not believe that you are the problem, something is going on in her family as she said, I would look there for the answer to why her behavior changed. Also I think you should be who you are and not what you think a woman wants you to be. Let her fall in love with the real you and the relationship with last and last because it will be based on a solid foundation of honesty.

bèlla said:
Possibly too strong.
Too much emoting.
Moved too fast.
I doubt she heard from God.

Sound like euphoria and once she settled down she had a change of heart. Next time take things slow. Allow the acquaintance to grow naturally. Don’t try to plan your life in two dates.

~bella

Yeah you are right. Next time I will just focus on giving the girl a good time, have fun, get to know her, and let her get to know me. I will let her escalate if she wants too. I will just chill and have a good time.

However, why is it that after we held hands on the second date, she asked me questions like "Do you want a family?", "Where do you wanna live?". Isnt she moving fast by asking me questions like these?

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 · Dec 12, 2022

dreamingjoeinjail said:
I believe that you can't "come on too strong" for the woman that God has for you. Like Goldilocks & the 3 bears, it will be just right.

You said what she believes God is saying to her. Has he said anything to you?

I also believe that God will do whatever he wants to do however he wants to do it. What I mean is that what God has ordained for you can't even be messed up or missed by you. ESPECIALLY if you are constantly seeking him and his will/direction.

He didn't say anything to me. The only time I felt him saying something was before asking her out. I was nervous, and he said to not be afraid and shoot my shot. But I did feel something before asking her if I could hold her hand on the second date. It felt like it was too soon for that. We barely knew each other until I asked her out. But I dismissed this feeling because I was so afraid of getting friendzoned if I didn't make a move.

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 · Dec 12, 2022

bèlla said:
Possibly too strong.
Too much emoting.
Moved too fast.
I doubt she heard from God.

Sound like euphoria and once she settled down she had a change of heart. Next time take things slow. Allow the acquaintance to grow naturally. Don’t try to plan your life in two dates.

~bella

Yeah you are right. Next time I will just focus on giving the girl a good time, have fun, get to know her, and let her get to know me. I will let her escalate if she wants too. I will just chill and have a good time.

However, why is it that after we held hands on the second date, she asked me questions like "Do you want a family?", "Where do you wanna live?". Isnt she moving fast by asking me questions like these?

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 · Dec 12, 2022

LesSme said:
She was the one who was moving too fast; you did just fine and sound like a very respectful and sensitive young gentleman.

Asking you what kind of house you would live in together is not appropriate on a second date. Talk about presumptuous.

It sounds like she is a very unhappy young lady looking for an escape. As long as she is discontent wherever God has placed her for now, she won’t be content anywhere else, either.

Thats what I am saying. Like, did I mess up? Yeah. But wasnt she moving fast when she asked me those questuins?

Then, between the second and third date my brother messed up by telling someone at work that me and her were dating. I apologized to her, she told me it was all good. She then initiates the idea of going to the movies. Then on the day that we went to the movies, during the morning, she asked me what my favorite candy was. Then I pick her up, and her attitude is just cold, sad, distant. She did get me my favorite candy tho.

Like what did I do? She said she felt God indicating to her we wouldn't end up together before the movies. Then why would she get me my favorite candy?

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 · Dec 12, 2022

Maria Billingsley said:
Sometimes the chemistry is just not there.
Blessings.

Oh there was chemistry on the first date. Specially when we went to play arcade. There was chemistry when we texted, there was chemistry on the second date.

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 · Dec 12, 2022

*LILAC said:
Sounds like alot and it went very fast! Slow down and see if you can just maintain a friendship to start with.

Politics on a first date with the family? That is scary fast! Where did you meet? Had you been friends for awhile already? Pace yourselves and don't be in a hurry.

We met at work (fast food). We only work together once a week. We met back in June but we didn't talk at all until early August. She would say hi and I would say hi back. Then I made two small talks with her (Less than 30 seconds). A week after that, I just went in guns blazing and asked her out on a date. No introduction or anything.

She said she needed to think about it. After our shift she asked me if I knew Jesus, what he means to me, and if I was willing to meet her dad.

The rest is in my original post.

And maintaining a friendship?? That is not what I signed up for. I am not going to be her friend when it's clear that I like her. It is not fair to her.

It has been 3 months. We barely talk at work. Sometimes she says hi, and I say hi back. But that's it! She rarely talks to me, why would I talk to her?? I like to help people, that is just who I am. So yes, I am not a jerk to her. If she needs help, I help her. If for some reason she talks to me, I talk, with a smile on my face.

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 · Dec 12, 2022

coffee4u said:
Unlike the others here I do think you came on too strong. She is only 18 which is very young and you are only 20 which means you have another 5 years for your brain to develop and she has 7. Many people will tell you how vastly different they were at 18 vs 25. Now not to say some people don't find their mate at a very young age and grow together, but its rare. First dates should be friendly and low key, certainly no talk about the future on a second date.

I see what you are saying.

Question. When should I hold a girl's hand, or go for the kiss? Some people say on the first date, others say only 6 months in. I am completely lost.

Also, how can I maintain dates low key and friendly, without falling in the friendzone.

bèlla · Dec 12, 2022

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:
Yeah you are right. Next time I will just focus on giving the girl a good time, have fun, get to know her, and let her get to know me. I will let her escalate if she wants too. I will just chill and have a good time.

However, why is it that after we held hands on the second date, she asked me questions like "Do you want a family?", "Where do you wanna live?". Isnt she moving fast by asking me questions like these?

You’re young and responding to the moment. The questions aren’t wrong per se. It’s important not to read too much into them. Do you want a family establishes your position on the subject but it doesn’t mean you’ll explore it together. You’re getting a feel for one another and discovering common bonds. Once that’s settled and you’ve conveyed a mutual desire for furtherance that’s when it starts.

~bella

disciple Clint · Dec 13, 2022

Iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:
Yeah you are right. Next time I will just focus on giving the girl a good time, have fun, get to know her, and let her get to know me. I will let her escalate if she wants too. I will just chill and have a good time.

However, why is it that after we held hands on the second date, she asked me questions like "Do you want a family?", "Where do you wanna live?". Isnt she moving fast by asking me questions like these?

well next time someone asks you a question, give an answer and then ask, why did you ask. She has a idea of what she is looking for and she wants to find out if you fit.

Trusting in Him · Dec 13, 2022

They say that the course of true love never runs smooth. Maybe this is not the end of what is happening. Perhaps in time, she may take you more seriously. I'm not sure that trying to analyse what went wrong is necessaerily going to help you very much. Perhaps in her mind you are a bit too easy and maybe not enough of a challenge for her, if she senses that you are becoming less interested in her, she may have make up her mind whether she really is not interested in you after all.

Ultimately God is in control of these things and His timig is not always the timing that which we would choose ourselves. Maybe you need to ask God for wisdom and understanding about this. Also I think that you worry too much about becoming stuck in the friend zone. My wife and I were only ever just friends, until she decided to tell me how she felt about me. Relationship that lasts, usually take time to develop. Has it not occurred to you that when you keep saying hi to each other, that this is not exactly something that is completely negative.

Just play it cool for now and see what happens!

dreamingjoeinjail · Jan 9, 2023

Sometimes God will say no by not allowing the door to be opened for us. I see your situation with this young lady as a closed door.

I would move on and basically drop it with her. I would also suggest that you bring it in it's entirety to God. Ask him all of the questions about the whole situation and ask him to help you to be sensitive to him and his nudging. Also, ask him to take the lead and guide you to the destination. Trust me. Dating ain't easy. You will need all of the guidance he will give.

Did I scare her off?

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