I begun to learn truly about christ 4 years ago because a very wise chatolic person I've met in internet showed me a more mature and historical view of christianism.
I was a kind paganist-ocultist-christian mix in the past. Yeah, I know, this may look bizarrely impossible but here in my country this is actually super common. But even with me living totally wrong I never undestood the growing hate the left atheist, media and etc have for Jesus. I uderstood that there are a lot of evil, corrupt and fake churches but why they hate him especially never made sense to me; I mean, if there is someone who didnt deserve being hated was Jesus. I guess this was the mainly reason I started to ask for questions until things started to make sense to me.
The thing is, I accepeted Jesus and my conviction grew strong, but... I noticed that I haven't prayed a single time and I started to feel a lot of desire to do wrong things than before and follow bad influences that I had in my workplace. In fact I did even more wrong things, and sometimes when I was at peace reading the bible or thinking about God my mind started to remember me about the wrong things I did or the injustices I had suffered and then I become sudenly angry and this kind of thoughts cross my mind "my own justice is better" "I would judge better than God" ''I will follow my own will".
when I am alone I can calm down and see how wrong and evil this kind of thoughts are. But when something bad happens to me or someone commits an injustice against me, I totally blame God and try to apply my own ''''justice''''. Sometimes I can control this and do the right thing, others, I succumb to angry and do something I would regreat later. Because even when I succeed in revenge, it gaves me nothing but a feeling of void and guilty.
I tried to search up for churches in my town but the only ones that I've found are evangelic cults who try to take money from people and a catholic church in which the last time I went there to pray there was a lot of noisy and laughs and my disgust for the catholic church just increased(I have some problems with this very institution and some people despite the fact I am baptized and it was chatolic guy who showed me the way but this is not the point)
In fact, I have found much more kind and will to help others genuinely in spiritists than the chatolics I have met in my city.
Im currently reading orthodox works and I feel much more conected to it than the other branchs of christianism, but there is no orthodox church nerby. I feel like I need a right spiritual guidance, I know I can't do it on my own but there is no alternative for me where I live, what should I do?
Sorry for this being too long.
I was a kind paganist-ocultist-christian mix in the past. Yeah, I know, this may look bizarrely impossible but here in my country this is actually super common. But even with me living totally wrong I never undestood the growing hate the left atheist, media and etc have for Jesus. I uderstood that there are a lot of evil, corrupt and fake churches but why they hate him especially never made sense to me; I mean, if there is someone who didnt deserve being hated was Jesus. I guess this was the mainly reason I started to ask for questions until things started to make sense to me.
The thing is, I accepeted Jesus and my conviction grew strong, but... I noticed that I haven't prayed a single time and I started to feel a lot of desire to do wrong things than before and follow bad influences that I had in my workplace. In fact I did even more wrong things, and sometimes when I was at peace reading the bible or thinking about God my mind started to remember me about the wrong things I did or the injustices I had suffered and then I become sudenly angry and this kind of thoughts cross my mind "my own justice is better" "I would judge better than God" ''I will follow my own will".
when I am alone I can calm down and see how wrong and evil this kind of thoughts are. But when something bad happens to me or someone commits an injustice against me, I totally blame God and try to apply my own ''''justice''''. Sometimes I can control this and do the right thing, others, I succumb to angry and do something I would regreat later. Because even when I succeed in revenge, it gaves me nothing but a feeling of void and guilty.
I tried to search up for churches in my town but the only ones that I've found are evangelic cults who try to take money from people and a catholic church in which the last time I went there to pray there was a lot of noisy and laughs and my disgust for the catholic church just increased(I have some problems with this very institution and some people despite the fact I am baptized and it was chatolic guy who showed me the way but this is not the point)
In fact, I have found much more kind and will to help others genuinely in spiritists than the chatolics I have met in my city.
Im currently reading orthodox works and I feel much more conected to it than the other branchs of christianism, but there is no orthodox church nerby. I feel like I need a right spiritual guidance, I know I can't do it on my own but there is no alternative for me where I live, what should I do?
Sorry for this being too long.
