Marital Advice

You need to live. If this is a nice god-fearing guy why not go for it? Be the trophy wife. My sister is doing it and loving it. They got money, surround sound a pool in each of their two homes. She just has to look purdy and not embarrass him and they live high on the hog. all the time. You deserve to be taken care of. You just have to make sure and produce a son for the family line.

There are many family arrangements that can work for people. A wage-earning husband and a stay-at-home wife. A wage-earning wife and a stay-at-home husband. Two full-time wage-earning spouses who share the chores. Two spouses who work at jobs that are done from home (piano teachers, farmers, some writers and artists, etc.), with both spouses sharing chores. Or other arrangements. The family needs money, and chores need doing, and children need to be cared for. How you divide up those responsibilities is up to you as a family.

Do you want to be a stay-at-home mom, or would you prefer some other family arrangement, or do you know yet? The advice you're getting is one way to set up a family, but don't feel like you have to stick to that one family model if you don't want to.

Gentle Lamb said:

I am getting advice that I should marry "up", a man who will be a provider, who has already got a house and will be able to make me a SAHM when the time's right for kids... While financial provision is important to me in marriage, because I expect that the man I marry should be able to provide, what is most important to me is the will of God for the marriage. Also, I don't just depend on a man to provide for me because a man is only human. I first depend on God to provide for us and then I will depend on the man. As a Christian, since my faith is most important to me in this and I am getting secular advice, is this a good way of thinking? Am I realistic in my expectations?

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"Living on love" is great but not practical. Like it or not you do have to consider how you and any future spouse will support your family.

The average person is fine with a lower middle class to middle class life, whatever that means where you live.

There are working men who can provide a nice life for a frugal woman and the children she may bear. You don't have to look at "doctors and lawyers", the electrician and the master plumber are fine providers as well.

But you do have to consider finances, pedestrian as it seems.

Gentle Lamb said:

I am getting advice that I should marry "up", a man who will be a provider, who has already got a house and will be able to make me a SAHM when the time's right for kids... While financial provision is important to me in marriage, because I expect that the man I marry should be able to provide, what is most important to me is the will of God for the marriage. Also, I don't just depend on a man to provide for me because a man is only human. I first depend on God to provide for us and then I will depend on the man. As a Christian, since my faith is most important to me in this and I am getting secular advice, is this a good way of thinking? Am I realistic in my expectations?

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if God wills, then you will find such a Christ-following man to marry and have a family with! and while that is a lovely picture (and i pray that you will find such a union!!), let not these expectations steal your contentment nor your satisfaction in Christ. He is our only confidence in this life, and with His love alone our cups overflow. worldly expectations can impair our sight of that. nonetheless, i wish that you will find a lovely soulmate!! keep me up to date, dear sister ♡

rturner76 said:

You need to live. If this is a nice god-fearing guy why not go for it? Be the trophy wife. My sister is doing it and loving it. They got money, surround sound a pool in each of their two homes. She just has to look purdy and not embarrass him and they live high on the hog. all the time. You deserve to be taken care of. You just have to make sure and produce a son for the family line.

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as much as this is a nice-sounding sentiment, these are all very worldly ideals that Christ has not called us to. looking pretty, being a 'trophy wife', not being 'embarrassing', deserving 'privileges' and blowing revenue on yourself... it may be the conventional norm, the American dream, but does it honor God? i'm afraid not. it says "my sense of security is what i own and what i can achieve".

i mean no offense, this is just what comes to mind. God bless!

Gentle Lamb said:

Am I realistic in my expectations?

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people I know who have "expectations" for marriage & the man they will marry are still single

I didn't have expectations & I was happy being single
so on 2nd date with future husband, told him I was never getting married...he said never is a long time

we were young & didn't have money when we married but we both worked & were savers
after a number of yrs working, I was able to become a sahm when we became parents

Gentle Lamb said:

Am I realistic in my expectations?

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Depends. Are there enough rich good Christians around you? And do you meet their expectations? Consider that 80% of girls try to get the top 10% of men. So you will have to deal with a lot of competition, your whole life.

Also, what do you mean by a provider? It can range from living in a rent apartment without a car (its quite common in Europe and it does not mean poor), to having several houses, exotic vacations, luxury goods and a private jet. The latter ones are almost guaranteed to have more than one woman in their life.

So, its always some kind of a compromise between convenience, physical attraction and the potential to be long term.

"up" is an interesting concept.

A godly Christian woman might not find contentment in marriage to a man who has achieved success in a worldly way.

For those to whom "up" represents spiritual maturity, bible knowledge and understanding, and Christ-likeness, finding a man who you can respect would seem more important than a good income.

When you consider that today most poor people in the US live better than most kings in history, with indoor plumbing, heat in the winter, food year round, entertainment 24/7, and basic health care (safe drinking water, immunizations, emergency services), worldly success seems relative.

myst33 said:

Depends. Are there enough rich good Christians around you? And do you meet their expectations? Consider that 80% of girls try to get the top 10% of men. So you will have to deal with a lot of competition, your whole life.

Also, what do you mean by a provider? It can range from living in a rent apartment without a car (its quite common in Europe and it does not mean poor), to having several houses, exotic vacations, luxury goods and a private jet. The latter ones are almost guaranteed to have more than one woman in their life.

So, its always some kind of a compromise between convenience, physical attraction and the potential to be long term.

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"80% of girls try to get the top 10% of men" is a sweeping generalization.. don't provide numbers if you aren't giving statistics, cuz this is not a stat, it's an incel catchphrase.

Gentle Lamb said:

Also, I don't just depend on a man to provide for me because a man is only human. I first depend on God to provide for us and then I will depend on the man. As a Christian, since my faith is most important to me in this and I am getting secular advice, is this a good way of thinking?

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I gave you the award emoticon because I think your position is the best, even though the people who advise you marry up got lots of good points and wisdom on that.


Here are my reasons:
1) God is indeed your provider, and making that your top criteria on a mate could get you the wrong mate. Like marrying a Christian guy with a good career, but a commitment to the faith that is there but casual vs. a person who really has an obvious deep faith but career is developing. You could easily finding yourself in that situation where the first spouse changes his mind on a lot of things that you find important, while the second doesn't.


2) The issue of marriage marketability is a big issue online. One big problem people are having in the would be mating game is finding people who meet their standards when they over estimate their value in the marriage social market place. This really is a huge problem especially for lots of attractive yet aging women who date a lot of men, and yet only start to seriously think about getting married and settling down when they are hitting their late 20s.


3) Men also got their issues to. There is a movement going on with Gen X men, Millennials, and Zoomer young men called "Men Going There Own Way", aka Migtow. The movement comes from men feeling bitter for being taken advantage of in how our society is structured kind of a reverse version of the Feminist movement. Anyway it is getting harder to find a good guy because less men are in the game so to speak.


4) Jennifer Moleski has a lot of great stuff to say on this!

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/KIjCFHsphx0

ivy may said:

as much as this is a nice-sounding sentiment, these are all very worldly ideals that Christ has not called us to. looking pretty, being a 'trophy wife', not being 'embarrassing', deserving 'privileges' and blowing revenue on yourself... it may be the conventional norm, the American dream, but does it honor God? i'm afraid not. it says "my sense of security is what i own and what i can achieve".

i mean no offense, this is just what comes to mind. God bless!

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Actually, it was a bit of tongue&cheek

rturner76 said:

Actually, it was a bit of tongue&cheek

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Poe's law...

PloverWing said:

Poe's law...

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Got me

rturner76 said:

Actually, it was a bit of tongue&cheek

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ah, i'm glad hehe. it's a bit hard for me to read tone sometimes, especially on the internet, and many people WILL say this legitimately.

Gentle Lamb said:

I am getting advice that I should marry "up", a man who will be a provider, who has already got a house and will be able to make me a SAHM when the time's right for kids... While financial provision is important to me in marriage, because I expect that the man I marry should be able to provide, what is most important to me is the will of God for the marriage. Also, I don't just depend on a man to provide for me because a man is only human. I first depend on God to provide for us and then I will depend on the man. As a Christian, since my faith is most important to me in this and I am getting secular advice, is this a good way of thinking? Am I realistic in my expectations?

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Think about that standard of living that you want. Two incomes is needed for a middle class standard of living if one of you isn't already rich. And if a man is rich, what sets you apart from his many other female options?

ivy may said:

ah, i'm glad hehe. it's a bit hard for me to read tone sometimes, especially on the internet, and many people WILL say this legitimately.

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I should have indicated that it was meant for humor (Poe's Law). But like you say, some people still feel that way.

Sketcher said:

Think about that standard of living that you want. Two incomes is needed for a middle class standard of living if one of you isn't already rich. And if a man is rich, what sets you apart from his many other female options?

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She's pretty and likely fertile. Plus it sounds like she's been trained properly. (humor)

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