Is it 'normal' for believers to have friends?

I feel you @Carl Emerson.

But one day, if we are chosen for Zion, we will be living a gigantic city filled with like-minded people you can trust with your entire life. Good, trustworthy, friendly, loving people who you are guaranteed to get along with well as they were chosen by Him and they walked truthfully to His calling.

This place is not our home. We are scattered too far apart and are tired and withdrawn because of this world`s trappings and woes. But Zion is coming soon! Eyes to the skies!

May the Almighty bless you with a close friend nearby, akin to Jonathan, whilst you wait.

Yeah, it is hard to find real friends, my best friend passed away some time ago. Since then I don't really have any close friends. There are people at church that I talk to, that I would consider friends, but not on a super deep level. I think it is really quite normal for this to happen because we are so busy with life.

Social atomization, particularly through technology and breakdown of social structures/organizations has made this more prevalent than it ever was before. Did people find friends in the past purely by accident or because in the course of life and the societies they were part of they were forced, to a degree, to socialize and communicate with people?

With many things becoming more convenient to the individual, internet, phones, computers, which contain in them social media and avenues of escape from the real world, the constraints of the physical world made social interactions harder to avoid in the past and so people were more connected. You couldn't avoid going to the bank in the past. Now you can do it all online. If you wanted to have fun with someone you had to physically meet them, now you can do it through videogames.

Even things like Christian forums, as good as it is, serves partly as a need to fulfill a social desire on the part of people and since it can be done more easily here than in the real world, it's not surprising that many people who make use of all these social media things are becoming more and more friendless and alone.

Technology has it's upsides but it also has it's considerable downsides. Particularly in how it makes things easier.

Ignatius the Kiwi said:

Technology has it's upsides but it also has it's considerable downsides. Particularly in how it makes things easier.

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Science and technological advancements were a delusion. The only thing that men really created was the Talking Image of the Beast, which you all are using right now.

I have friends, but most of my good friends are also colleagues. I note that my husband, who has less contact with people through work, also seems to have more difficulty making friends. I imagine that post-retirement it becomes harder for most people.

Carl Emerson said:

Church leaders no longer visit.

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This is not really true. However, your church leader is not likely to become a true friend, in that there will always be professional boundaries on the relationship. (As one supervisor of mine put it, "We are friendly, and lots of people confuse that with being friends. But we can't be their friends.")

As for breaking bread from house to house, we have space to gather as a community now that we didn't have then. This has benefits as well as drawbacks, but sometimes loss of hospitality is one of the drawbacks.

Yah, kind of lonely for the fellowship and praise of heaven. I have one friend such an accomplishment and blessing. Church is warm but I’m not good socially to be commiserating. I feel like I will be so free in heaven, but not now. All the people that have come and gone! Many don’t like Jesus and Christians, take what they need and exit. Thank heaven for Jesus who kept me/us going all these years.

like the saying: 'the more ways to communicate we have, the less we communicate with each other'
i think if internet and phones dissapeared people would start visiting each other all the time like in old times.

Carl Emerson said:

Breaking bread from house to house - what happened to that?

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OH I think that sort of thing is still done. It helps to have some kind of peer group that you connect with.

If am going to wonder out loud if maybe God is calling you to form a Christian Meetup.com group in your area. This was something I tried a bit myself, for a few months until it became clear I needed to move away.

But here is an examples of what I'm talking about in your country.

Wellington Christians (Wellington, New Zealand)


Doesn't look like there are a lot of them, but that actually can be good news. IF you start some kind of Spiritual gifts prayer group, Bible study and potluck you will be "the only game in town" so to speak, and not just your area but what is going on online for the whole country as far as I can tell!

Doing this does cost a little money, but depending on your conscience etc. it can be a real ministry. Or put it this way, all the New Age "healers" and psychics have their stuff going, if you want to make a genuine Christian alternative to all that stuff then this would be one way to do that.

Carl Emerson said:

Well in my whole church life spanning 50 years or so, I cant remember one church leader visiting. Back in the 50's it was part of life.

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Back in the fifties, life was very different in all sorts of ways. But I can tell you that visiting is a normal part of ministry, even if we do it less than people generations ago (who had very different demands on them) did. If you want your church leader to visit, maybe try inviting them.

Carl Emerson said:

"professional boundaries" didn't get in the way back then.

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And all sorts of bad things happened as a result. Boundaries exist for very, very good reasons.

We have people round for potluck lunch almost every Sunday, And have for 30 years. We do it to connect people in the church-advertise it in the newsletter, and also invite people by phone or in person. We look for visitors and invite them. People bring their friends, and even if they themselves can't come they will send people. One time we were out of town, and came home to find lunch at our place had happened even though we weren't there!
This is a place where many people have found friends. Sometimes we deliberately invite people/families with similar interests, hoping they'll hit it off. Sometimes they do. Many people have thanked us for making this opportunity to connect and said they've found friends. I have major anxiety. We have a tiny flat. We are not well off -hence the potluck aspect, which also gives people a sense of contribution. But we open the door and put the kettle on. I've met lots of people over the years, and some have become good friends this way too .

Carl Emerson said:

Have tried that...

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And they refused to come? I find that very strange. What reason did they give?

Carl Emerson said:

Too dangerous to visit ???

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Sometimes, although that's not what I meant. I meant the boundary that recognises that as a minister, your congregation members are not your friends. There is a power imbalance and a role which needs to be minded.

Carl Emerson said:

Professional management protects you from the congregation. ???

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Protects the congregation from you, more often.

Carl Emerson said:

Professional Christianity at it's finest...

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I'm trying to point out that if you expect your minister to be your new best buddy, that's inappropriate and unrealistic. It would be better to adjust the expectation, than to spend whatever time you have with them being disappointed because they don't live up to an unfair expectation.

Carl Emerson said:

So folks expecting to find a church family are seriously disappointed.

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Maybe and maybe not; I'm not sure I think it's a realistic expectation. I'll say, having been plenty bullied in church, these days I'll settle pretty happily for "not harmful" as a good baseline. (Mind you, that'd be a pretty good baseline for family life, too; and one we often see lacking...)

My point is simply this; the minister is not there to be your friend. That's not their role. Your minister, if they have been well trained, has almost certainly been warned not to create intimate friendships with people in their pastoral care, for very, very good reasons.

So rather than hold onto an unrealistic expectation, it's better to invest your hopes for friendship in other directions.

Carl Emerson said:

I attended a church in my formative years and the Pastor believed in fostering family among church members.

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"Family" is a really loaded term. In my mind it comes with all kinds of baggage and expectations that are inappropriate for a church community. I really encourage mutual care, support, encouragement, building up and so forth in a congregation, but I wouldn't use the word "family" to describe the ethos I'm aiming for.

Carl Emerson said:

Sadly many church systems move appointees on so family cant flourish.

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Again, I'm not really sure your expectations are reasonable here. Most people, even if they're very gifted and the fit has been good, after about seven to ten years, have done what good they can for a congregation, and it's to everyone's benefit if there's a change. Usually very long tenures (closer to two decades or more) end up being very harmful for a church, as they become incredibly resistant to change and closed off to new ways of doing things.

Also, if the relationships in the church are dependent on the minister, something is very, very wrong.

Also, "And we beseech you, brethren, to know them which labour among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you;" I Thess 5:12

Carl Emerson said:

Now part of the reason is that I have a strong passion for Jesus and as He said we would be hated as He was.

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Hi, Carl it really hits home when you mentioned the fact that we will be hated by others I have felt that vibe coming from many people over the years at first it baffled me as to why people seemed to dislike me but after discovering that verse in the bible it all made sense. I think what it is that manifests itself in disbelievers is the devil we all fall short of the glory of God but the disbelievers have no chain hold on the devil so he is free to show his colours in the actions and attitudes of those that choose to be separated from God.

Here is an article I wrote that bears on this subject as the damage to friendships also reflects the damage to families;

What Happened to the Family

God instituted the family when he brought Adam and Eve together and told them to be fruitful and multiply. While people still get married and have children what passes for family today is very different than what was common even up to 100 years ago. People lived, worked, and died mostly in the town in which they had been raised. People had a depth of relational connections that is difficult to even imagine today.

One might see historically where the Industrial Revolution took men out of the home, public education took children out of the home, and feminism took women out of the home until today where a family might more closely resemble a boarding house where four people pursue their own work, friends, activities, and interests independently. In 1800 that average woman had seven children, today this is less than two. If children are from the Lord (Ps 127:3), then as a nation we have been telling him “no thanks” for over 200 years.

The technological changes over the last 200 years seem to confirm the parallel social changes. As life became easier and more comfortable, many came to see the social changes as indicating we were moving into a utopian future. The increase in suicide, drug overdose, divorce, and single parent homes represent a growing level of pain and suffering that no amount of cable TV, video games, and social media can completely mask.

In contrast to the older model of the family in a fixed location with many siblings cousins, aunts and uncles, today’s common model of children leaving home at 18 and infrequent contact thereafter leaves many with relationship needs that often are only superficially met. Checking a Facebook page is often like sneaking a peak through a window of your child’s home. Since we came to this point over several generations, many do not even realize the way it used to be.

Many think that the anemic state of the family today is the natural way it is supposed to be which often contributes to a sense of despair and hopelessness. If one looks at human history not as an evolutionary path to a utopian paradise, but as a Satanic attack of humans in an effort to take control of the world, one can begin to understand why the institution of the family has fallen to such a sad state, it has been under attack for centuries.

Satan has been largely successful in getting people to think that he doesn’t even exist. However, the bible tells us he does and is active. Since Satan cannot be everywhere at once, he needs to collectivize the world in an attempt to exercise control through surrogates. He needed to break up families (husbands from wives and parents from children) so that people could be directed by his influence more than that of their families.

Today the worldly superficial social connections that pass for “friendships” are usually a poor substitute for real relationships. Sadly, even in Christian circles having someone show their concern for you by asking how you are doing financially, what you have been learning from the scriptures recently, or what prayer needs you have is the exception rather than the rule. Even within Christian families these sort of questions are seldom asked.

To resist these worldly destructive forces, one needs wisdom, (James 1:5), a close relationship with Jesus (Philippians 4:13), and an immersion in God’s word (Ephesians 5:26).