I will never marry in this life, circumstances put me in a position where it hasn't happened and likely would never happen. I have genetic based illnesses that I don't want to pass down so children would be a bad idea even if I want them too. For a long time I deluded myself thinking, well, maybe not this life, but in eternity I can make up for it.
But a nagging feeling kept hitting me, like something I'd been forgetting since it'd been a long time since I'd read the bible, and in my immaturity I always assumed what many people assume about heaven; you get everything you want, no desire of your heart unmet. But the nagging feeling was that not only was that not going to happen, but God never meant it to happen for me, He ALWAYS wanted me to be alone, and He made sure that I would fail every relationship I entered to keep it that way. I couldn't even fornicate, so yes, still a virgin at an embarrassing age to be one by the world's standards. I got in situations where I might have, but something would happen to stop it every time. Just seemingly random events that would break it up. I thought it was bad luck then, now I see it as the Lord telling me no, not even if I wanted to He was going to stop me.
Anyway, there was that dread, that the Lord MEANT for me to be alone, forever. Then I read the scripture that sealed the deal on that fear, and made it reality. Matthew 22:30.
That it wasn't just this life, it was NEVER.
To be told you will NEVER have something you want, but other people find a lot of joy in hurts worse than any physical pain (and I experience quite a bit of that). In fact it hurts so much that all it does is make you want it even more and feel like you're missing out on something awesome forever. It makes you think about what it is you're missing out on, to have a partnership exclusive between you and someone else that is special and nobody else has it with that person, as (relatively speaking anyway) equal partners. You love them more than anything but God, they love you more than anything but God. A person you can keep no secrets from, a person you share everything with, make decisions together with, start a family with, and those children that you love so much that you would die for them, that's something incredible, the only other thing people might be willing to die for is God right? A person you are united in 1 flesh with.
I share these fears and depression with people and they say "oh don't worry it'll be better and more intimate." Which.. to me doesn't make sense, the marriage relationship has you physically naked with each other even bodies inside each other.. and you're going to be more intimate than that at handshake distance as just "brothers and sisters" in Christ? They try to say you aren't missing out on anything, but their actions belie their words, like I said, they'd die for their families, and the only other thing they'd die for is Jesus Christ, and in some cases, they'd die for their family, but NOT Jesus Christ! How am I supposed to feel like I'm NOT missing out on something when it seems to give them that much joy? Why did God single me out to be single? Why is it one of the ONLY revelations I've had from God Himself have to be this one that causes me so much pain? When I ask for revelation in other areas of life.. I get nothing. This one area I got revelation but it's like asking God something in prayer and His answer is not silence, but a definitive, resounding "No."
Why does this verse cause me so much pain every time I think about it? A simple answer from Jesus and it feels like tearing off a scab off a wound that just won't heal.
Genesis 2:18
Why is it good for me to be alone specifically? Why would God create me to desire something that he wanted me to never have? Some people choose to be single and are happy with that, it doesn't hurt them to tell them they'll never be married because they never wanted any part in it in the first place. Why couldn't He create me like that if that's what He wanted for me? At least then it wouldn't hurt.
This single verse, this single thing, is the cornerstone that makes me think I won't even be happy in eternity, and my only way to manage with it is to devalue myself and think my happiness is inconsequential that God is not a genie in the bottle and that if I'm unhappy I just have to accept it and be content. Forever.
It has almost created 2 hells as the potential afterlives. Just 1 Hell where everyone is suffering eternally and 1 where I'm singled out in exclusion but everyone around me is happy.
