New to church - seeking advice

Maniel · Jan 16, 2022

Hi there

I've attended church for 2 months, and could use some advice on my forward walk with Jesus. One reason is that I'm very shy. The first time I was going to church it became too much so I went home instead. Now I'm at the point where I can go in and feel comfortable to just be there. But I rarely speak to anyone. When it's over, I pick my stuff and go as the first guy. I'm afraid of having any conversations. There was a girl the second time, who introduced herself and welcomed me when the service was over, but it was short because I was just too Overwhelmed and she ended with a "good Sunday". Looking back, I'm thankful for these opportunities and hope there will be new ones, as I try to be more attentive and open. But there haven't so far, so it is quite lonely to attend church.

Obviously I have to step out of my own comfortzone, and this is where I could really use some advice from you guys. What do you do in situations with new people in church or in general? I've been thinking about picking up a cup of coffee after church, but something is holding me back. Pride? Confusion? Not having thought of all the good reasons to do so?

I'm shy and insecure in general, so I need tips on how to behave normal in these situations. I'm uncertain what is socially accepted and expected. That holds me back the most I think. But even if I knew it was accepted to strike up conversations in a church, what do you even talk about? I don't know why I feel so vulnerable about it.
I just know that I want to learn as I've come to realize the importance of fellowship. I want to worship as a people. I want to learn how to love, God and human, it's hard if not impossible on my own.

I'm also not very disciplined in my thoughts. I'm a 30 year old guy. Four months ago my relationship of 2 years ended, a very hurtful but neccesary experience I feel to wake me up. I've hurt a girl I love by not telling her that I wanted to fight for us. And so our parts ended. She missed that I didn't want to pray together, or that I would be going to church with her more often. I held my faith to myself, as I don't feel comfortable showing my faith publicly. I regret that I didn't know any better, but I want to take this opportunity to grow. I still struggle with past sins. I get impulses towards attractive women in this church. My mind is not fully submitted to God it feels. It feels like, I'm not fully aware what the Christian life even means. I want to know Jesus, to follow Him, to be apart of his church, to learn and grow. But I have so many stumbling blocks. What fills the mind of you guys? What set you free? What does it feel like going to church? How do you look at the other people? Maybe the answer to these, if I could come to understand and believe in them myself, could help me approach people.

This is a long post, so thanks to anyone who took time to read. I understand everything can't be answered. But if someone has any advice to someone new at church who feels a bit overwhelmed, and don't exactly know where to start or progress towards, it's more than welcome.

Sincerely, Mathias

BobRyan · Jan 16, 2022

To have friends you must first show yourself friendly -- is the general rule in life although in church people try to make visitors feel welcome from the get go.

Being too centered on your own insecurities leaves you very self focused. Practice thinking of others while you are at church. Start with someone you do not feel intimidated by -- pick an elderly person .. maybe an older lady and wish her a happy Sunday or something like that. Or pick someone who looks happy and say "Hi - I love coming to church - I am glad to meet such happy people here".

Practice a few of those on strangers - that don't intimidate you much.

BTW -- you already "owe" that young lady a "happy Sunday and thank you for introducing yourself to me a few weeks ago. I love coming to this church" -- greeting. (Just so you know)

SkyWriting · Jan 16, 2022

Maniel said:
Hi there

I've attended church for 2 months, and could use some advice on my forward walk with Jesus. One reason is that I'm very shy. The first time I was going to church it became too much so I went home instead. Now I'm at the point where I can go in and feel comfortable to just be there. But I rarely speak to anyone. When it's over, I pick my stuff and go as the first guy. I'm afraid of having any conversations. There was a girl the second time, who introduced herself and welcomed me when the service was over, but it was short because I was just too Overwhelmed and she ended with a "good Sunday". Looking back, I'm thankful for these opportunities and hope there will be new ones, as I try to be more attentive and open. But there haven't so far, so it is quite lonely to attend church.

Obviously I have to step out of my own comfortzone, and this is where I could really use some advice from you guys. What do you do in situations with new people in church or in general? I've been thinking about picking up a cup of coffee after church, but something is holding me back. Pride? Confusion? Not having thought of all the good reasons to do so?

I'm shy and insecure in general, so I need tips on how to behave normal in these situations. I'm uncertain what is socially accepted and expected. That holds me back the most I think. But even if I knew it was accepted to strike up conversations in a church, what do you even talk about? I don't know why I feel so vulnerable about it.
I just know that I want to learn as I've come to realize the importance of fellowship. I want to worship as a people. I want to learn how to love, God and human, it's hard if not impossible on my own.

I'm also not very disciplined in my thoughts. I'm a 30 year old guy. Four months ago my relationship of 2 years ended, a very hurtful but neccesary experience I feel to wake me up. I've hurt a girl I love by not telling her that I wanted to fight for us. And so our parts ended. She missed that I didn't want to pray together, or that I would be going to church with her more often. I held my faith to myself, as I don't feel comfortable showing my faith publicly. I regret that I didn't know any better, but I want to take this opportunity to grow. I still struggle with past sins. I get impulses towards attractive women in this church. My mind is not fully submitted to God it feels. It feels like, I'm not fully aware what the Christian life even means. I want to know Jesus, to follow Him, to be apart of his church, to learn and grow. But I have so many stumbling blocks. What fills the mind of you guys? What set you free? What does it feel like going to church? How do you look at the other people? Maybe the answer to these, if I could come to understand and believe in them myself, could help me approach people.

This is a long post, so thanks to anyone who took time to read. I understand everything can't be answered. But if someone has any advice to someone new at church who feels a bit overwhelmed, and don't exactly know where to start or progress towards, it's more than welcome.

Sincerely, Mathias

Right. I find all services uncomfortable and not fitting my life well.
But Sunday class is a different story. I enjoy them immensely.
No matter if I'm in the mood to talk or not, classes have always
accommodated me the best. I don't like the effort involved in
following a services script. Many do though.

Albion · Jan 16, 2022

Mathias, many people are petrified of going inside a church that they are not familiar with, even after a couple of visits. It is indeed scary for a lot of people, and not just naturally shy ones. So I can understand all of what you told us about that.

As for practical advice, I'd suggest easing into it. When you first appear in that church, no one knows you even if some make a point of welcoming a visitor. But after you show up for a few weeks in a row, people begin to think you're more than just a curious visitor who probably won't become a regular.

And as for handling a repeat contact with anybody who said something to you in passing when you were a newcomer, a simple, "Good morning. Good to see you again" (or something similar) at this time will begin the process of you being thought of as a person they expect to see.

I definitely think that attending the coffee hour after the service, if there is one, is not to be missed. There are real opportunities to talk casually with people there.

Maniel · Jan 16, 2022

BobRyan said:
To have friends you must first show yourself friendly -- is the general rule in life although in church people try to make visitors feel welcome from the get go.

Being too centered on your own insecurities leaves you very self focused. Practice thinking of others while you are at church. Start with someone you do not feel intimidated by -- pick an elderly person .. maybe an older lady and wish her a happy Sunday or something like that. Or pick someone who looks happy and say "Hi - I love coming to church - I am glad to meet such happy people here".

Practice a few of those on strangers - that don't intimidate you much.

BTW -- you already "owe" that young lady a "happy Sunday and thank you for introducing yourself to me a few weeks ago. I love coming to this church" -- greeting. (Just so you know)

Thanks Bob for your reply and advice, it's very helpful. If I may ask, has there been anything that helped you in socially ankward situations? What helps you keep moving despite vulnerable situations that may cause some anxiety? If I get the chance and see her again, I will remember your advice.

SkyWriting said:
Right. I find all services uncomfortable and not fitting my life well.
But Sunday class is a different story. I enjoy them immensely.
No matter if I'm in the mood to talk or not, classes have always
accommodated me the best. I don't like the effort involved in
following a services script. Many do though.

There is a Sunday class startup on a few weeks. Maybe that would be a good opportunity getting to know somebody and become involved in a more relaxed manner? Thank you for telling me this

Albion said:
Mathias, many people are petrified of going inside a church that they are not familiar with, even after a couple of visits. It is indeed scary for a lot of people, and not just naturally shy ones. So I can understand all of what you told us about that.

As for practical advice, I'd suggest easing into it. When you first appear in that church, no one knows you even if some make a point of welcoming a visitor. But after you show up for a few weeks in a row, people begin to think you're more than just a curious visitor who probably won't become a regular.

And as for handling a repeat contact with anybody who said something to you in passing when you were a newcomer, a simple, "Good morning. Good to see you again" (or something similar) at this time will begin the process of you being thought of as a person they expect to see.

I definitely think that attending the coffee hour after the service, if there is one, is not to be missed. There are real opportunities to talk casually with people there.

Thanks for your advice Albion, I will consider the coffee hour. I've fallen really behind in social interactions and behavior. Do I just grab a coffee and sit down by a table? I hardly know what to do about myself!

I've been thinking about reaching out to one of the priests for a talk. They also offer mentorship which I've considered. Maybe some volunteer work would do me great as well. Small groups too, but that seems too much at this movement.

What helps you guys reaching out to people? How much is a social skill that needs to be learned, and how much is spirit?i feel like something is missing, in the way I see people and would like to pray. But I often find myself lacking in words as to what I'm truly seeking. I want to love people the was Jesus does, but I find it hard to know how or even to try. Even trying to do what I know to be good is hard, as it means contacting the other person. And so I need confidence, how did you guys overcome your own anexities if you ever had any? What do you tell yourselves?

SkyWriting · Jan 16, 2022

Maniel said:
Thanks Bob for your reply and advice, it's very helpful. If I may ask, has there been anything that helped you in socially ankward situations? What helps you keep moving despite vulnerable situations that may cause some anxiety? If I get the chance and see her again, I will remember your advice.

There is a Sunday class startup on a few weeks. Maybe that would be a good opportunity getting to know somebody and become involved in a more relaxed manner? Thank you for telling me this

Thanks for your advice Albion, I will consider the coffee hour. I've fallen really behind in social interactions and behavior. Do I just grab a coffee and sit down by a table? I hardly know what to do about myself!

I've been thinking about reaching out to one of the priests for a talk. They also offer mentorship which I've considered. Maybe some volunteer work would do me great as well. Small groups too, but that seems too much at this movement.

What helps you guys reaching out to people? How much is a social skill that needs to be learned, and how much is spirit?i feel like something is missing, in the way I see people and would like to pray. But I often find myself lacking in words as to what I'm truly seeking. I want to love people the was Jesus does, but I find it hard to know how or even to try. Even trying to do what I know to be good is hard, as it means contacting the other person. And so I need confidence, how did you guys overcome your own anexities if you ever had any? What do you tell yourselves?

Similarly to Sunday class, church Youth Group meetings during the week were my main route to socialization with my congregation. And youth retreats are my most memorable activities.

Albion · Jan 16, 2022

Maniel said:
Thanks for your advice Albion, I will consider the coffee hour. I've fallen really behind in social interactions and behavior. Do I just grab a coffee and sit down by a table? I hardly know what to do about myself!

.Yes. What you describe is basically what it amounts to. Everyone is there in order to socialize and briefly relax following the seriousness of the worship service. So get your coffee and try out some small talk concerning the sermon or the weather or try asking a question about the church just to get a conversation started.

These events are very easy going, not like some a cocktail parties can be, for instance. And no one is expected to stay very long, so if you feel uncomfortable, you can have your coffee and leave without looking strange for doing so.

pdudgeon · Jan 16, 2022

Maybe talking to one of the ushers after service might help?
They are usually the most helpful people, I have found.
I remember my mother did that when she was new to church.
She was also why and new to the church, so she kept her eyes open to find a friendly person who seemed to be approachable, and also watched to see whom other people approached with their questions, to see who among the strangers everyone gravitated towards, and what kind of welcome they received.
Maybe doing the same thing would help you.

timf · Jan 17, 2022

You may want to call the pastor or church secretary and ask if there is an elderly church member that could use a visit from someone friendly. this might give you the chance to slowly work into knowing more people.

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New to church - seeking advice

Maniel

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BobRyan

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SkyWriting

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Albion

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Maniel

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SkyWriting

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Albion

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