29 & Never Dated

DragonFox91 said:

What family?
Yes I do, that's some of the problem. I feel like I got things lined up & that's why it's so frustrating. It's not like I'm making $8/hr struggling to get by.
I feel like I work on myself. I've had a lot of time to do that 30 years being single. It just never amounts to anything. I feel like I could make 6 figures, thousands of hobbies & interests, & it still wouldn't be enough.

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Maybe its time to find happiness that it not based in a woman.

I feel like Christians sometimes have a more difficult time being single since the community focuses so much on the positive aspects of being in a couple. It's easy to focus on the nice pictures on Facebook and not think about how much work and compromise goes into them being happy together, if they truly are. Or to forget how many relationships crash and burn.

DragonFox91 said:

& give up my dream? Never

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Thats not wise. Your dream should be to do and be what God wants you to do and be.

Only this will make you satisfied in life. Not chasing some human dream that is evading you.

DragonFox91 said:

But it's not a human dream. Relationships are good & come from God.

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Singleness too.

29 and single? That's not even close to the record. Just hang in there and don't be so focused on it. Being 37 and still single, I've kinda gotten used to it.

DragonFox91 said:

I have a feeling that'll be me

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Which is better than to be in a bad relationship, though. So, praise God.

angelsaroundme said:

I feel like Christians sometimes have a more difficult time being single since the community focuses so much on the positive aspects of being in a couple. It's easy to focus on the nice pictures on Facebook and not think about how much work and compromise goes into them being happy together, if they truly are. Or to forget how many relationships crash and burn.

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The longer I think about that, the more wisdom I see in the practice of clergy and other Church staff remaining celibate. Christianity isn't a sex cult. Jesus didn't marry, and neither have many of his people through the ages. Strong Christian men and women, no less worthy of our respect than their married counterparts.

It's enough to make me wonder whether the decline of Christianity in the West has been accelerated by the inordinate emphasis placed on pairing up. The way that marrieds are vaunted as role models in our churches, how marrieds often lead singles groups etc. A practice that is no better than singles leading groups for married people. Not that it's wrong to marry, if you find somebody who is right for you, but the emphasis on it as a status symbol and a sign of spiritual maturity (something that it's clearly not, considering the sad state of many relationships) is quite worldly.

We may even see the impact of this line of thinking in this thread. Imagine what the replies might be like if singleness wasn't perceived as God judging us, but as a blessing. As a sign of faithfulness, an indication of something better waiting for us down the road, or as a burden lifted. Some people take singleness very hard, and mainstream Christian culture doesn't help. The Church should be a source of refuge and strength, not discouragement.

@DragonFox91 I'm seeing some interesting comments here and one of them being that you could be in a relationship and miserable. Today I got the news that one of my friends is divorced now, and I did not know that. It was 4 years ago that they divorced and she was with someone else for 3 years and she's heartbroken now. I only caught it because she is on social media and mentioned something about trying online dating and how scary it was. I was shocked. I remember her story and when they were just a couple dating, 20 years of marriage. She had even saved herself for him.

Another friend that also was in our same Christian group together, when we were starting college, she also ended up having to get divorced and he became full out atheist. She commented on this girl's page about online dating, that it's not so bad because it's been 11 years now that she has been with her spouse. She spent two years in a serious relationship and found out things that called off the wedding. I almost want to say she spent another couple years with online dating with no success until I told her about Christian Cafe. She met him during the free trial and they now have two children together living in Maine. Before that he had three children he was bringing into the marriage, she wasn't immediate stepmother. Just something to think about, there's no guarantee that someone else is going to bring you happiness.

But I also get what you mean and I am willing to roll up my sleeves if and when that relationship presents itself. And I will have to make a choice to love that person everyday, it's not always a natural thing from what I understand.

DragonFox91 said:

So much of my life has been wasted w/out a girl. That is, I've created so many great memories, but w/out a girl, it feels like what else will there be? What'll be the point? My life will be all but done. Plus she will have missed out on so many things. What's the point of sharing life w/ a girl if you weren't able to share a lot of it?

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I think it is far better to create good memories alone than to end up for years in an unhealthy relationship/marriage with the wrong person to then end up needing years of emotional and mental healing afterwards. You haven't wasted any time. The time you spend with yourself and spirit is the most precious time you can have, because you can learn so much about yourself that you can use in any future relationship you may end up in. I find those who waited and focused on their inner work, developing their joys, and developing themselves as an individual person so attractive. I think 29 is still young! I am 29 and haven't really been in a real relationship, so don't be too hard on yourself!!!

I feel bad for you bud.

How do you meet single people? Well, they're everywhere. Especially among millenials. We apparently have a bit of a marital crisis among younger generations. That said, here's a few tips you may find helpful, or not, take it or leave it.

• Find sane people to talk to. Sane people help you to be sane. They're helpful, usually.
  
• Don't expect sane people to volunteer to marry you, immediately.
• Marriage really can be overrated if you are married to someone who isn't sane (see the first point).
• I would abandon overly romantic notions of relationships. Romantic moments can be nice, but they don't measure up to romantic fiction and really we shot ourselves in the foot, culturally, by setting ourselves up for disillusionment. That said, if you're realistic about it I do think finding purpose in marriage is a valid way to find fulfillment in life, philosophically, scientifically and religiously -- it's considered a vocation for a majority of christians.
  
• America is a little crazy right now, and "american" marriage-oriented culture is in shambles, obviously. I have some vague memories of when I was young, and my father would take me to his church's singles group which had an absolutely huge following, there was no pressure involved, it wasn't a sex cult, it's just what people used to do back in those days, and they had a blast. Unfortunately I've never encountered a singles group quite like that since, and obviously people have relatively screwed up ideas surrounding the subject, everywhere else in America. If you're not willing to pull yourself out of modern American culture I would suggest at least opening yourself up to meeting people of a variety of cultures who, having perhaps immigrated here, are not quite so indoctrinated by our expectations and generally bad ideas.

You've made some really good points that really resonate with my thinking lately this past week.

TheWhat? said:

Find sane people to talk to. Sane people help you to be sane. They're helpful,

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I have found that unfortunately a lot of the friendships that I have are people that are on the mental edge. The pandemic really brought this out and revealed the type of people that are in my life. At the same time some of these relationships that I have tried to let go, somehow they re-materialize. But I do think it is God's will for these friendships to exist in my life. I do have some solid healthy people, but they don't live in the same town unfortunately. Hopefully when I find a home Church, I can establish those relationships.

TheWhat? said:

Don't expect sane people to volunteer to marry you, immediately.

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This is an interesting point to think on. Some food for thought when the next person goes really fast with me.

TheWhat? said:

Marriage really can be overrated if you are married to someone who isn't sane (see the first point).

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Yes, in retrospect, when I was dating a guy a year ago and he began to distance himself, I began to think in my mind that I would need to start talking to a therapist for this relationship to work. He himself was on medication for temper problems and his marriage ended because he was tired of working with a therapist for 15 years and said he was done.
Another gentleman lately that I am having trouble getting out of my head, I told him goodbye, but I am still intrigued by him and he is seeing a therapist for his last marriage. Both of them I think come from backgrounds with money.

Right now I'm reading a book about the Vanderbilts. The story of their beginnings is just crazy. Literally the beginnings of their wealth the father and husband controlled his family by sending them to mental institutions to get his way. But he absolutely loved his mother above his wife. The wife definitely had to put up with a lot from what I read. And in the 1800s I think marriage was more about the survival than I was romanticism as we have today.

TheWhat? said:

would abandon overly romantic notions of relationships. Romantic moments can be nice, but they don't measure up to romantic fiction and really we shot ourselves in the foot, culturally, by setting

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I think I can agree with this.

TheWhat? said:

• it's considered a vocation for a majority of christians.

• America is a little crazy

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Good choice of words for Christians considering marriage as a vocation. I never thought about it until these last two years I've met good godly Christian men that said that they would see marriage as being a servant. And one told me that he considered my compromised immune system and opportunity to be a servant if he was to marry me. At the same time those were just words, actions speak louder. Which takes time to get to know.

TheWhat? said:

opening yourself up to meeting people of a variety of cultures who, having perhaps immigrated here, are not quite so indoctrinated by our expectations and generally bad ideas.

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This is also an interesting point. And possibly including the Amish.

DragonFox91 said:

So much of my life has been wasted w/out a girl. That is, I've created so many great memories, but w/out a girl, it feels like what else will there be? What'll be the point? My life will be all but done. Plus she will have missed out on so many things. What's the point of sharing life w/ a girl if you weren't able to share a lot of it?

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When I've been tempted to think that way, I remember:

• There's a ton of stuff I haven't done yet.
• I've grown as a person in this time. Whatever my chances of having a lasting marriage if I meet the right woman tomorrow are, I honestly believe those chances would have been worse in my 20s.
• The waste wasn't in the singleness itself, but in how I chose to spend certain chunks of time.