- Jul 4, 2021
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Hi everyone,
Warning: If you have OCD,Please,before you read this,please make sure your strong in faith,I don’t want to bring Suffering to other Christians…..
I have an OCD question,this question is something that torments me almost daily or every other day.It’s apostasy,and I know I’ve said things in terms of apostasy in many other posts.And it’s a word and thing that scares me more than the thought of hell.And as much as I say to Jesus in small prayers “I’ll never leave you Jesus” I’m still constantly,I’d say tempted,to do just that,and what affected me then isn’t doing it as much as it is now.Like the thought of living a hopeless life away from Jesus doesn’t scare me as much as it did,which in turn makes me even more worried,worried about not being worried!.It’s like if I’m not shocked scared by things that used to scare me then I think I’m drifting,or have a seared conscience,or heaven forbid an apostate!
I really haven’t worried so much about falling away before thanksgiving of 2021,which is when I had a massive mental breakdown so bad I had to leave work early and cried for an hour in a parking lot.I don’t know why I can’t worry or be afraid of things that I in good mind know are wrong.It’s like if I don’t worry or am shocked scared or dead opposed then I get to think that the Holy Spirit has left and I’m simply an apathetic sinner.Another thing that effects me terribly is apathy.When I have apathy then when I do any Christian things like reading the Bible,praying,etc then I get thoughts that I’m “forcing myself”,and when the thought of apostasy and apathy mix it’s like sticking your hand in acid.it’s a horrible duo that scares me beyond anything scary.I don’t think I’ve felt conviction recently.
I’ve changed my life further as a Christian,I’ve stopped cussing,joking in coarse jesting,self control of my words,and having faith in Jesus.I don’t know what I’m doing wrong,I don’t know why it seems like I’m being punished,I don’t know what I did to deserve this.
I hate atheism,I hate agnosticism,I hate every other religion.I fully support Jesus,and have a firm conviction he is real.
This is where it gets confusing,I don’t doubt God isn’t real,I tend to stay in my bubble,I don’t read or take outside opinions of God into thought ,I’m very introverted and usually don’t speak unless spoken to or talking on a topic of interest,I still have doubts if god is real or not,but I know life without it Jesus is horrible and hopeless,but that’s not atheism or agnosticism.I still believe in God and Jesus and all the matters of faith and have faith in them,but I’m constantly attacked like this.Apostasy is a scary thing that somehow affects me the most.
I’ve read accounts in the past on sites like quora,of people who were Christians and fell away to become atheists,and it has scared me into thinking “what if that will become me”
My sanity as I know it revolves around faith in Jesus,and if I don’t have him I can’t even have emotions or even a train of thought,my life so much relies on him I constantly fear of him rejecting me or if I’m a bad state of mind have thoughts of apostasy or think of it and later I get scared he has left me or thoughts of me “forcing myself”
It’s like no matter how much reassurance I give myself it never works.And when I do have assurance I use my time poorly.I can’t even talk to my parents about this subject because they are Christians who have never heard the word apostasy,and say I’m spending too much time reading online.That’s the reason I come here for help,because I pretty much have nobody to talk to,and I’m trying to find a church but I’m very concerned about doctrine and certainty of making sure it teaches properly.
I’m very confused about why my mind always cycles on apostasy,apathy,and the thought of me “forcing myself” I don’t want to live without Jesus and the world is always tempting me.And I get worried when I don’t worry about the world seeming appealing. Am it the only one who experiences this?,am I am apostate?,am I just another insane person?
Warning: If you have OCD,Please,before you read this,please make sure your strong in faith,I don’t want to bring Suffering to other Christians…..
I have an OCD question,this question is something that torments me almost daily or every other day.It’s apostasy,and I know I’ve said things in terms of apostasy in many other posts.And it’s a word and thing that scares me more than the thought of hell.And as much as I say to Jesus in small prayers “I’ll never leave you Jesus” I’m still constantly,I’d say tempted,to do just that,and what affected me then isn’t doing it as much as it is now.Like the thought of living a hopeless life away from Jesus doesn’t scare me as much as it did,which in turn makes me even more worried,worried about not being worried!.It’s like if I’m not shocked scared by things that used to scare me then I think I’m drifting,or have a seared conscience,or heaven forbid an apostate!
I really haven’t worried so much about falling away before thanksgiving of 2021,which is when I had a massive mental breakdown so bad I had to leave work early and cried for an hour in a parking lot.I don’t know why I can’t worry or be afraid of things that I in good mind know are wrong.It’s like if I don’t worry or am shocked scared or dead opposed then I get to think that the Holy Spirit has left and I’m simply an apathetic sinner.Another thing that effects me terribly is apathy.When I have apathy then when I do any Christian things like reading the Bible,praying,etc then I get thoughts that I’m “forcing myself”,and when the thought of apostasy and apathy mix it’s like sticking your hand in acid.it’s a horrible duo that scares me beyond anything scary.I don’t think I’ve felt conviction recently.
I’ve changed my life further as a Christian,I’ve stopped cussing,joking in coarse jesting,self control of my words,and having faith in Jesus.I don’t know what I’m doing wrong,I don’t know why it seems like I’m being punished,I don’t know what I did to deserve this.
I hate atheism,I hate agnosticism,I hate every other religion.I fully support Jesus,and have a firm conviction he is real.
This is where it gets confusing,I don’t doubt God isn’t real,I tend to stay in my bubble,I don’t read or take outside opinions of God into thought ,I’m very introverted and usually don’t speak unless spoken to or talking on a topic of interest,I still have doubts if god is real or not,but I know life without it Jesus is horrible and hopeless,but that’s not atheism or agnosticism.I still believe in God and Jesus and all the matters of faith and have faith in them,but I’m constantly attacked like this.Apostasy is a scary thing that somehow affects me the most.
I’ve read accounts in the past on sites like quora,of people who were Christians and fell away to become atheists,and it has scared me into thinking “what if that will become me”
My sanity as I know it revolves around faith in Jesus,and if I don’t have him I can’t even have emotions or even a train of thought,my life so much relies on him I constantly fear of him rejecting me or if I’m a bad state of mind have thoughts of apostasy or think of it and later I get scared he has left me or thoughts of me “forcing myself”
It’s like no matter how much reassurance I give myself it never works.And when I do have assurance I use my time poorly.I can’t even talk to my parents about this subject because they are Christians who have never heard the word apostasy,and say I’m spending too much time reading online.That’s the reason I come here for help,because I pretty much have nobody to talk to,and I’m trying to find a church but I’m very concerned about doctrine and certainty of making sure it teaches properly.
I’m very confused about why my mind always cycles on apostasy,apathy,and the thought of me “forcing myself” I don’t want to live without Jesus and the world is always tempting me.And I get worried when I don’t worry about the world seeming appealing. Am it the only one who experiences this?,am I am apostate?,am I just another insane person?