I had a thought about having left God

Job405 · Nov 13, 2021

I was having thoughts about having rejected God, but I said no to that thought, but then after that I thought "I already left Him" or something like that, even thought I didn't mean it. In reality I don't want to leave Him at all but I have always had self-destructive and self-sabotaging tendencies. Everytime I have something good going for me I destroy/sabotage it somehow, I don't even want to do it, it just happens naturally and I guess it's the same with my relationship with God, if I even have one anymore.

Now I just feel numb, and I am logically remorseful but I feel no remorse for my thought. I would want to feel remorse. I hate myself so much, I deserve to be destroyed but I hope for mercy.

TheWhat? · Nov 13, 2021

Construct a prayer, a confession, counter to all of these things you mentioned, and also asking for forgiveness.
Pray the prayer every time these thoughts arise
Profit

Tolworth John · Nov 14, 2021

Job405 said:
I was having thoughts about having rejected God, but I said no to that thought, but then after that I thought "I already left Him" or something like that, even thought I didn't mean it.

You seem to understand that intrusive thoughts have only to be acknowledged, but then hen a second thought arrives you give in to it and accept it.

have you never read and understood how Isaiah 42:3 A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

applies to you.

God knows your mental health, far better than you do.
He knows you regularly give in to thoughts, only intrusive thoughts that acuse you of sin, of hating God, leaving God, of serving the devil etc etc etc
God knows these are not real, they donot reflect you or your love for God.

They ar as valid as a claim that a man unable to leave his bed is not a Christian because he does not go to church!

Z3AL · Nov 14, 2021

I'm in the same boat Job. I can relate, especially to the numbness and self destructive thought pattern. Also feeling like one's passed the point of no return and deserving the worst possible punshiment concievable...The situation may seem hopeless and impossible but I'd like to think there's still hope for suffering these afflictions. I mean, what are our options? Lay down and die? Who knows, It might be health related after all? I think reading the scriptures, praying and constantly reminding ourselves of the truth should have a positive outcome on any given situation. I know, easier said then done but what's the option? I let myself go and things just got worse and worse the point where I'm at right now as I feel totally unredeemable, unsalvagable, cast away, like a reprobate unable to come to a full knowledge of the truth.

The way I see this situaon is our minds have to be rewired and that can only come out of effort, time and prayer through Gods help. I don't think we can think ourselves out of this pit of despair completely on our own, we have to approach it differentally and tread carefully otherwise we'll just aggravate the situation further.

I wish I could be of more assistance but I think what's important is to learn to be constantly reminded of Gods Word. That's all I can say at point. May God open the eyes and ears of your understanding and show you the way out of the mess.

Mari17 · Nov 17, 2021

Z3AL said:
I'm in the same boat Job. I can relate, especially to the numbness and self destructive thought pattern. Also feeling like one's passed the point of no return and deserving the worst possible punshiment concievable...The situation may seem hopeless and impossible but I'd like to think there's still hope for suffering these afflictions. I mean, what are our options? Lay down and die? Who knows, It might be health related after all? I think reading the scriptures, praying and constantly reminding ourselves of the truth should have a positive outcome on any given situation. I know, easier said then done but what's the option? I let myself go and things just got worse and worse the point where I'm at right now as I feel totally unredeemable, unsalvagable, cast away, like a reprobate unable to come to a full knowledge of the truth.

The way I see this situaon is our minds have to be rewired and that can only come out of effort, time and prayer through Gods help. I don't think we can think ourselves out of this pit of despair completely on our own, we have to approach it differentally and tread carefully otherwise we'll just aggravate the situation further.

I wish I could be of more assistance but I think what's important is to learn to be constantly reminded of Gods Word. That's all I can say at point. May God open the eyes and ears of your understanding and show you the way out of the mess.

This kind of struggle can definitely be debilitating. Do you have obsessions in other areas of your life as well, or only religious?

Mari17 · Nov 17, 2021

Job405 said:
I was having thoughts about having rejected God, but I said no to that thought, but then after that I thought "I already left Him" or something like that, even thought I didn't mean it. In reality I don't want to leave Him at all but I have always had self-destructive and self-sabotaging tendencies. Everytime I have something good going for me I destroy/sabotage it somehow, I don't even want to do it, it just happens naturally and I guess it's the same with my relationship with God, if I even have one anymore.

Now I just feel numb, and I am logically remorseful but I feel no remorse for my thought. I would want to feel remorse. I hate myself so much, I deserve to be destroyed but I hope for mercy.

Based on what you already know about OCD/intrusive thoughts, what do you think is the most effective way to handle this?

Z3AL · Nov 20, 2021

Mari17 said:
This kind of struggle can definitely be debilitating. Do you have obsessions in other areas of your life as well, or only religious?

Indeed...It's hard enough trying "convince" yourself otherwise when the mind is trigger happy. And whenever there is a breather(and those are extremely few and far between), it goes into shock asking: "Where did the thoughts go?"...and again triggers the same thought pattern it so desperetaly tries to escape. It's like a catch 22. It has spilled over to a couple of other areas as well to asnwer your question. I feel my mind has been completely destroyed over the course of time. What's worse is you can't really reason yourself out of this knowing there's no reason to even think this way to begin with...sorry to go off on a tangent like that.

Lily76_ · Nov 20, 2021

it's just a thought , don't mean that you have ,God is Holding on to you so tight he never let you go

Mari17 · Nov 20, 2021

Z3AL said:
Indeed...It's hard enough trying "convince" yourself otherwise when the mind is trigger happy. And whenever there is a breather(and those are extremely few and far between), it goes into shock asking: "Where did the thoughts go?"...and again triggers the same thought pattern it so desperetaly tries to escape. It's like a catch 22. It has spilled over to a couple of other areas as well to asnwer your question. I feel my mind has been completely destroyed over the course of time. What's worse is you can't really reason yourself out of this knowing there's no reason to even think this way to begin with...sorry to go off on a tangent like that.

Yes, being anxious about not being anxious is classic with OCD!! Can you pinpoint your specific obsessions? What are your current strategies for dealing with them?

Z3AL · Nov 20, 2021

Mari17 said:
Yes, being anxious about not being anxious is classic with OCD!! Can you pinpoint your specific obsessions? What are your current strategies for dealing with them?

Interesting you say that cause that describes my predicament quite well I'd say. It's been a slow but steady progression towards that state. Perhaps it has something to do with brain chemicals or the possiblility of being burned out because of stress, disease and other ailments? Yeah I can pinpoint quite well. In the beginning they were all over the place but now for some reason they've centered around a couple of themes. In the beginning I read up on as much as I possibly could and there are a few things I try to do and that is to ignore them as best as I can not entertaining them which is not an easy feat. The other thing would be to get in the Word more and fill the mind with other things and hobbies. Lonliness can be very detrmental sometimes especially when the thoughts are at their worst.

Mari17 · Nov 24, 2021

Z3AL said:
Interesting you say that cause that describes my predicament quite well I'd say. It's been a slow but steady progression towards that state. Perhaps it has something to do with brain chemicals or the possiblility of being burned out because of stress, disease and other ailments? Yeah I can pinpoint quite well. In the beginning they were all over the place but now for some reason they've centered around a couple of themes. In the beginning I read up on as much as I possibly could and there are a few things I try to do and that is to ignore them as best as I can not entertaining them which is not an easy feat. The other thing would be to get in the Word more and fill the mind with other things and hobbies. Lonliness can be very detrmental sometimes especially when the thoughts are at their worst.

What are your themes, if you don't mind sharing? Yes, ignoring is a great strategy - and so hard to do! Distraction also helps. Again, hard to do if you have a lot of time on your hands and are also dealing with loneliness.

Z3AL · Dec 3, 2021

Mari17 said:
What are your themes, if you don't mind sharing? Yes, ignoring is a great strategy - and so hard to do! Distraction also helps. Again, hard to do if you have a lot of time on your hands and are also dealing with loneliness.

Well, my themes have shifted around a bit but are mostly blasphemous thoughts, unclean thoughts about people/God/Jesus, thoughts regarding conscience/repentance and feelings or the lack therof. Thoughts about Gods/Jesus existence and so on and so forth...Indeed, feels impossible most of the time.

Mari17 · Dec 5, 2021

Z3AL said:
Well, my themes have shifted around a bit but are mostly blasphemous thoughts, unclean thoughts about people/God/Jesus, thoughts regarding conscience/repentance and feelings or the lack therof. Thoughts about Gods/Jesus existence and so on and so forth...Indeed, feels impossible most of the time.

These kinds of obsessions often do feel impossible! If it's any consolation, they're very common obsessions for Christians to have. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but it is almost uncanny how those of us with OCD somehow tend to obsess about a lot of the same things! What are some specific strategies you can put into play to learn more about and/or work on treating your OCD?

Z3AL · Dec 7, 2021

Mari17 said:
These kinds of obsessions often do feel impossible! If it's any consolation, they're very common obsessions for Christians to have. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but it is almost uncanny how those of us with OCD somehow tend to obsess about a lot of the same things! What are some specific strategies you can put into play to learn more about and/or work on treating your OCD?

I guess it's a bit comforting, knowing you're not alone and all that even though it doensn't change the outcome. Yes, interestingly it we all seem to go through the same stuff. I would like to think a good strategy could be distractions or rather keep myself occupied with something, to shift my focus away from internalizing(obsessing), to retrain my brain somehow not to go "there". Learn to leave the thoughts alone by not entertaining them or answering them. One of the most important ones has to be to somehow stop the incessant checking. I guess there's a lost more I could do but that's just off the top of my head.

Blaise N · Dec 7, 2021

Job405 said:
I was having thoughts about having rejected God, but I said no to that thought, but then after that I thought "I already left Him" or something like that, even thought I didn't mean it. In reality I don't want to leave Him at all but I have always had self-destructive and self-sabotaging tendencies. Everytime I have something good going for me I destroy/sabotage it somehow, I don't even want to do it, it just happens naturally and I guess it's the same with my relationship with God, if I even have one anymore.

Now I just feel numb, and I am logically remorseful but I feel no remorse for my thought. I would want to feel remorse. I hate myself so much, I deserve to be destroyed but I hope for mercy.

Hi my friend,I myself have been in your shoes,and I can agree the scariest intrusive thought I’ve had is somehow leaving God.Leaving the lord is the scariest thing for me.Heck not even 2 weeks ago I had a thought about Apostasy(leaving the lord) and I immediately regretted it.And for an entire week I was trembling in fear and crying excessively.So please understand your not alone,some of Gods greatest people and scholars had OCD,I’d read some things on Martin Luther if I were you,he had horrible OCD/intrusive thoughts yet look at what Jesus allowed him to accomplish,he changed the church in the most positive way for the rest of time.As a matter of fact what I’ve come to learn is that OCD can be a good thing,it actually allows you to rely on Christ and depend on him only for all hope.May God bless you my friend,feel free to reach out for help anytime.

Mari17 · Dec 7, 2021

Z3AL said:
I guess it's a bit comforting, knowing you're not alone and all that even though it doensn't change the outcome. Yes, interestingly it we all seem to go through the same stuff. I would like to think a good strategy could be distractions or rather keep myself occupied with something, to shift my focus away from internalizing(obsessing), to retrain my brain somehow not to go "there". Learn to leave the thoughts alone by not entertaining them or answering them. One of the most important ones has to be to somehow stop the incessant checking. I guess there's a lost more I could do but that's just off the top of my head.

Those sound like good strategies! Another thing that has really helped me is learning to develop a nonchalant attitude toward the thoughts; in other words, not trying to frantically push them away or run away from them, but learning to see them as just thoughts that my creative brain is throwing at me, thoughts that I can learn to ignore. If I get a wave of anxiety, I try not to engage with the thoughts causing the anxiety, but to focus more on my physical symptoms and just "ride the wave" of anxiety; for example, breathing through it and realizing that it will pass without my having to tangle with the obsessive thoughts. I'm not sure if this makes sense or not...

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