How do I continue to care for my aging mother who does not love me?

com7fy8 · Nov 9, 2021

Salvadore said:
Mom tries to divide, but God is good and strong. I feel better having taken a day away from Mom and having talked with my siblings about some hurt I have experienced.

Thank you for sharing such personal things with us.

So . . . like I think I said, it is good you know such things she is doing are wrong. And have hope for her > love "hopes all things", we have in 1 Corinthians 13:7. So, yes we are God's children, plus we have the power to bless her.

We as children of God are the ones who can get real correction. So, we are wise to actively seek however our Father evaluates us, ourselves, and get however our Father is able to correct us.

Hebrews 12:4-14

Because our Father loves us, He corrects us. So, yes we are loved by our Father, and therefore He corrects us. So, this is what matters more than being respected by her because you are God's child

Salvadore said:
I am not a prostitute. I am not a drug addict. I do not drink or smoke. I appear in public fully clothed. I am a conservative dresser. I am a bit overweight (that could be it). I have a 4 year degree. No tattoos. This is what I think brought shame. I married at age 20 as a virgin. We were poor. We lived in a place she deemed unacceptable. It wasn't really a house or an apartment like in a big city. It was a concrete block building with a living room. kitchen, bedroom and bath. Yes. It looked like where poor people live. It didn't bother me but it bothered her.
She has never forgiven me for being poor. I brought shame on the family by doing this. There is probably more but this is what she says.

So, it is good to be content with what you have >

"be content with such things as you have" > in Hebrews 13:5.

But this means being content because of godliness, which I see means being like Jesus so we love like Jesus. So, you say you have not been a prostitute and you have stayed clear of other wrong things . . . but . . . though this is good, we need to deal with how we are in comparison with Jesus. Our attention, then, needs to not be only to how we are in comparison with your mother and sisters and prostitutes!

"rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (1 Peter 3:4)

So, beware of how she could infect your attention, and misdirect your attention.

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

Be with God, attentive to Him in this peace, and discover how He makes us creative for how to love her. In prayer, get ready for love, with you as the example. Be the best friend she could have, by being her example of how to be and how to love. And God uses example. Our cup runs over with whatever is really in our cup, to possibly help others to become the same way.

So, it is good to share with people who are examples of this, who deeply have power to minister this to you. This is what grace does . . . favoring us by correcting us, like this . . . because God loves us

This is what God is committed to. So, you can expect this. Expecting rings and rights, or expecting this which we can share with God > which is winning?

Read and feed on God's word > see what has God's attention, for us with Him.

Macchiato · Nov 9, 2021

Tolworth John said:
Exactly the same way she pays her way now.

We have three children, only one is active in careing for the remaining parent and that care is only gong to get greater, involve mote time and expense.

A labourer is worth there pay, one does not muzzle the ox treading out the grain.

Luke 6: 32

"If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!"

Tolworth John · Nov 9, 2021

Macchiato said:
Luke 6: 32

"If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!"

Irrelevant as from the posters opening post She is not loved by her mother, yet is showing practical love to her.

aiki · Nov 9, 2021

Salvadore said:
My mother is 94 years old. She recently told me I was trash and had brought shame on the family. I have an older brother and younger sister. My sister has minimal contact with her even though she lives 2 minutes from mother. I am the major caregiver. Mother has not been able to drive for the last 5 years. I take her to appointments, the bookstore, grocery, etc. I spend between 2 1/2 and 4 hours per week with her. My mother has given a lot of her valuables to my brother, sister and grandchildren. She begrudgingly has given me a few inexpensive items. Sometimes I feel like a fool. It is like I am a glutton for punishment. How can she, in good conscience, accept my help and treat me this way?

Because you allow it. Generally, abusers abuse those they are able to abuse, either because the one being abused is physically weak and/or psychologically weak. Your mother sounds a bit narcissistic, actually. Are you the eldest of your siblings? Often, the eldest child becomes the slave of a narcissistic parent.

Salvadore said:
Sure, I have made mistakes. My mother purports to be a good, Christian woman. I am exhausted. I had surgery on Monday and Mother started feeling ill on Friday so I sat in the waiting room for 3 hours with her. I have visited her each day. Tomorrow, I have to rest. She thinks I should let her move in with me. I am helping her because Jesus would want me too. I wonder why a mother sometimes chooses a child to abuse.

They usually abuse the child easiest to abuse. This is, often, the child with the most mild, eager-to-please personality.

Jesus calls us to love our enemies and those who behave miserably toward us, as your mother is toward you. But love is not without boundaries. Jesus didn't put up with the hypocrisy of the Pharisees. He called them out very aggressively and repeatedly for their rotten thinking and conduct. Jesus had a bit of a row with those making the temple of God a place of commerce, too. And he very frankly told the woman caught in adultery to "go and sin no more." Others, he warned of eternal damnation if they didn't repent and turn to him as their Saviour and Lord. Love, then, doesn't require just accepting whatever wretched attitudes and behavior your mother feels like showing you. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is call out your mother's rottenness for what it is. You know that such rottenness keeps her from enjoying her Heavenly Father and walking rightly with Him. And one day she will have to give an account of her bad living to Him. In light of these facts, there is no real love in just passively accepting nasty, abusive behaviour from her.

Salvadore said:
I feel guilty for being hurt that she does not wish to give me any of her jewelry or nice things. I remind myself that those things pass away. I am not sure why my siblings do not seem to care how I feel. Does anyone have any idea why this is happening and how can I carry on and keep quiet about it? She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

It is very possible that you are being treated as you are because you keep quiet about it. The only way your mother can treat you abusively is if you are in her company and let her do so. If you want things to change, you must change. Stop acting the doormat. Put some boundaries on your interactions with your Mom. Get in her face about her un-Christian carrying-on. Real love never turns a blind eye to sin.

Salvadore · Nov 9, 2021

com7fy8 said:
Did you somehow bring real shame to the family, at some time?

Even if you did, Jesus has us forgive. And He Himself forgives us for however we have done wrong, in the past.

So, whether she is making things up or you really at some point did something shameful . . . start fresh now, no matter if others accept you and forgive you. And I personally forgive people for not forgiving me. But, still, I am not so good at forgiving with real love and caring prayer. I might be doing it only or mainly to try to make sure I am forgiven, and I don't think this is God's way.

So, now you and I both can get more real in how to love. And be with God so we are satisfied and encouraged, and evil people do not decide how we are

There are people who are sick with evil, so they do not know how to love. So, you be real with God and encouraged, and be her best friend she could have, by being caring and loving with her so she has an opportunity to find out how to love, because of your example.

In prayer for her, be ready for love; and whether she loves you or not, you will have loving with ones who are also able to love.

At this point, I cannot be a good example of a loving, caring, best friend so I must remove myself from her life for a time. I need to calm down and let God work through someone in better shape. I have known ministers who have had to avoid their own mothers because of the toxic nature of their relationship. Better to be silent than to hurt
my mother's feelings.

Salvadore · Nov 10, 2021

aiki said:
Because you allow it. Generally, abusers abuse those they are able to abuse, either because the one being abused is physically weak and/or psychologically weak. Your mother sounds a bit narcissistic, actually. Are you the eldest of your siblings? Often, the eldest child becomes the slave of a narcissistic parent.

They usually abuse the child easiest to abuse. This is, often, the child with the most mild, eager-to-please personality.

Jesus calls us to love our enemies and those who behave miserably toward us, as your mother is toward you. But love is not without boundaries. Jesus didn't put up with the hypocrisy of the Pharisees. He called them out very aggressively and repeatedly for their rotten thinking and conduct. Jesus had a bit of a row with those making the temple of God a place of commerce, too. And he very frankly told the woman caught in adultery to "go and sin no more." Others, he warned of eternal damnation if they didn't repent and turn to him as their Saviour and Lord. Love, then, doesn't require just accepting whatever wretched attitudes and behavior your mother feels like showing you. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is call out your mother's rottenness for what it is. You know that such rottenness keeps her from enjoying her Heavenly Father and walking rightly with Him. And one day she will have to give an account of her bad living to Him. In light of these facts, there is no real love in just passively accepting nasty, abusive behaviour from her.

It is very possible that you are being treated as you are because you keep quiet about it. The only way your mother can treat you abusively is if you are in her company and let her do so. If you want things to change, you must change. Stop acting the doormat. Put some boundaries on your interactions with your Mom. Get in her face about her un-Christian carrying-on. Real love never turns a blind eye to sin.

I am much like my father who stayed with my mother until his death. He "ran away from home" many times during the marriage. He suffered greatly. We all have. I have choices. I have immediately repeated back to her things she has said to me and it makes her cry. I then say "that is what you just said to me. see how that makes you feel?" I really don't understand how she has lived so long and still "does not get it?" She has a deep hatred for people who are different. I just learned Mom is going to a skilled nursing facility today. Yay! I am on VA-CA!

aiki · Nov 10, 2021

It may be, too, that she is...decaying cognitively. As she does, her most deeply-ingrained attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors will dominate, though not in any rational way, necessarily. This seemed to be the case with my grandmother, who passed on this year at 99.

Enjoy your "va-ca"!

Salvadore · Nov 12, 2021

My vacation was short-lived. Mom refused to stay in the hospital long enough to be admitted to skilled nursing facility. She dressed herself, gathered her things and sat outside the room. My sister and I picked her up, picked up prescriptions and groceries and took her home only to be told " I am leaving everything to your brother." It is kind of humorous because we plan to spend her money hiring people to care of her because we will not tolerate more abuse. We want my brother to sell everything she has and admit her to a facility. It would be best for everyone involved. We have all prepared financially for our own future needs. We need no money from her. I hope God is merciful and gives her peace. Maybe if we are out of the picture she will be happier. I hope so. What a confusing and difficult time! I am glad my father is at peace.

Salvadore · Nov 26, 2021

I want to move to Easter Island.

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How do I continue to care for my aging mother who does not love me?

com7fy8

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Macchiato

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Tolworth John

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aiki

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