How do I continue to care for my aging mother who does not love me?

Salvadore · Nov 8, 2021

My mother is 94 years old. She recently told me I was trash and had brought shame on the family. I have an older brother and younger sister. My sister has minimal contact with her even though she lives 2 minutes from mother. I am the major caregiver. Mother has not been able to drive for the last 5 years. I take her to appointments, the bookstore, grocery, etc. I spend between 2 1/2 and 4 hours per week with her. My mother has given a lot of her valuables to my brother, sister and grandchildren. She begrudgingly has given me a few inexpensive items. Sometimes I feel like a fool. It is like I am a glutton for punishment. How can she, in good conscience, accept my help and treat me this way? Sure, I have made mistakes. My mother purports to be a good, Christian woman. I am exhausted. I had surgery on Monday and Mother started feeling ill on Friday so I sat in the waiting room for 3 hours with her. I have visited her each day. Tomorrow, I have to rest. She thinks I should let her move in with me. I am helping her because Jesus would want me too. I wonder why a mother sometimes chooses a child to abuse. I feel guilty for being hurt that she does not wish to give me any of her jewelry or nice things. I remind myself that those things pass away. I am not sure why my siblings do not seem to care how I feel. Does anyone have any idea why this is happening and how can I carry on and keep quiet about it? She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

Tolworth John · Nov 8, 2021

Salvadore said:
She recently told me I was trash and had brought shame on the family

Salvadore said:
She thinks I should let her move in with me.

My advice is to treat this as a comercial arrangement.

She has no respect for you yet willingly accepcs your help.
Ok How will she pay her share of the rent, utility bills, food costs and for your time.
Talk to her about this, get it put in writing with a solicitor, even getting power of attorney .

Befor this talk to your brother and sister, you are going to give up your independence in order to care for their mother. What are they going to pay to cover the costs their mother is not meeting.

No agreement and it doesn't happen, and you tell your mother to ring one of them for help.

This is brutal, but hey are being brutal to you, insulting you, taking you for granted and leaving you to care for her.

You care and love her, so ensure that you are paid for the care they donot appreciate.

Tom 1 · Nov 8, 2021

Salvadore said:
My mother is 94 years old. She recently told me I was trash and had brought shame on the family. I have an older brother and younger sister. My sister has minimal contact with her even though she lives 2 minutes from mother. I am the major caregiver. Mother has not been able to drive for the last 5 years. I take her to appointments, the bookstore, grocery, etc. I spend between 2 1/2 and 4 hours per week with her. My mother has given a lot of her valuables to my brother, sister and grandchildren. She begrudgingly has given me a few inexpensive items. Sometimes I feel like a fool. It is like I am a glutton for punishment. How can she, in good conscience, accept my help and treat me this way? Sure, I have made mistakes. My mother purports to be a good, Christian woman. I am exhausted. I had surgery on Monday and Mother started feeling ill on Friday so I sat in the waiting room for 3 hours with her. I have visited her each day. Tomorrow, I have to rest. She thinks I should let her move in with me. I am helping her because Jesus would want me too. I wonder why a mother sometimes chooses a child to abuse. I feel guilty for being hurt that she does not wish to give me any of her jewelry or nice things. I remind myself that those things pass away. I am not sure why my siblings do not seem to care how I feel. Does anyone have any idea why this is happening and how can I carry on and keep quiet about it? She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

I agree @Tolworth John ’s answer. In a situation like this, where the other party believes they are justified in being abusive, you have to set the boundaries. Not saying that it’s easy, but treating other people with love and respect doesn’t mean allowing them to treat you badly without consequence. Whatever the particulars of it are, it’s important to find some way of drawing up a set of boundaries and sticking to them no matter what.

timf · Nov 8, 2021

Since you already know she is going to be unfair, you should be able to avoiding expectations that she would change.

If her care is growing to be burdensome, you may explore what additional resource you can bring in. If your siblings are unwilling, you may find some at her church who could help. Failing that there may be governmental social services such as a visiting nurse or home care helper services available.

For a Christian who had an abusive parent, it may only be in heaven that resolution is achieved. Think about meeting face to face all of the people who have hurt us and that we have hurt. Transcending all of past grievances will be a deeper appreciation of the love of Christ that covers it all.

Acts29 · Nov 8, 2021

Salvadore said:
My mother is 94 years old. She recently told me I was trash and had brought shame on the family. I have an older brother and younger sister. My sister has minimal contact with her even though she lives 2 minutes from mother. I am the major caregiver. Mother has not been able to drive for the last 5 years. I take her to appointments, the bookstore, grocery, etc. I spend between 2 1/2 and 4 hours per week with her. My mother has given a lot of her valuables to my brother, sister and grandchildren. She begrudgingly has given me a few inexpensive items. Sometimes I feel like a fool. It is like I am a glutton for punishment. How can she, in good conscience, accept my help and treat me this way? Sure, I have made mistakes. My mother purports to be a good, Christian woman. I am exhausted. I had surgery on Monday and Mother started feeling ill on Friday so I sat in the waiting room for 3 hours with her. I have visited her each day. Tomorrow, I have to rest. She thinks I should let her move in with me. I am helping her because Jesus would want me too. I wonder why a mother sometimes chooses a child to abuse. I feel guilty for being hurt that she does not wish to give me any of her jewelry or nice things. I remind myself that those things pass away. I am not sure why my siblings do not seem to care how I feel. Does anyone have any idea why this is happening and how can I carry on and keep quiet about it? She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

At 94 it is highly likely your mother has at least some early dementia going on. Did she treat you poorly 10 years ago? If not, it is likely the disease talking so don't take it personally. I just went through this with my grandfather. He got pretty cruel near the end, but I know that it was not him anymore. Just take it in stride.
Expect nothing in inheritance. That will only cause a root of bitterness in you, which will only hurt you, not your mother or siblings. If she is giving things away, she probably knows deep down that her time is almost up. That isn't easy for anyone. She is probably angry about losing the ability to think clearly and the physical limitation of depending on others, not really you. Find validation elsewhere and don't let her abuse bring you down. Have sympathy instead. Just my thoughts.

Mclachlan · Nov 8, 2021

Salvadore said:
My mother is 94 years old. She recently told me I was trash and had brought shame on the family. I have an older brother and younger sister. My sister has minimal contact with her even though she lives 2 minutes from mother. I am the major caregiver. Mother has not been able to drive for the last 5 years. I take her to appointments, the bookstore, grocery, etc. I spend between 2 1/2 and 4 hours per week with her. My mother has given a lot of her valuables to my brother, sister and grandchildren. She begrudgingly has given me a few inexpensive items. Sometimes I feel like a fool. It is like I am a glutton for punishment. How can she, in good conscience, accept my help and treat me this way? Sure, I have made mistakes. My mother purports to be a good, Christian woman. I am exhausted. I had surgery on Monday and Mother started feeling ill on Friday so I sat in the waiting room for 3 hours with her. I have visited her each day. Tomorrow, I have to rest. She thinks I should let her move in with me. I am helping her because Jesus would want me too. I wonder why a mother sometimes chooses a child to abuse. I feel guilty for being hurt that she does not wish to give me any of her jewelry or nice things. I remind myself that those things pass away. I am not sure why my siblings do not seem to care how I feel. Does anyone have any idea why this is happening and how can I carry on and keep quiet about it? She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

Susan, It may be a good idea to spend more time praying for her, and less time with her in person.
We can care so much for people and bear their burdens that we fail to care for ourselves. After intense ministry (healing, preaching, and teaching etc) Jesus regularly withdrew to desolate places probably to restore his energy and pray with the Father. Love your neighbour as you love yourself-- look after yourself and give enough time to draw back and contemplate the situation in thought and prayer.
Ephesians 2:8-10

Peace with you,
Hayden

eleos1954 · Nov 8, 2021

Salvadore said:
My mother is 94 years old. She recently told me I was trash and had brought shame on the family. I have an older brother and younger sister. My sister has minimal contact with her even though she lives 2 minutes from mother. I am the major caregiver. Mother has not been able to drive for the last 5 years. I take her to appointments, the bookstore, grocery, etc. I spend between 2 1/2 and 4 hours per week with her. My mother has given a lot of her valuables to my brother, sister and grandchildren. She begrudgingly has given me a few inexpensive items. Sometimes I feel like a fool. It is like I am a glutton for punishment. How can she, in good conscience, accept my help and treat me this way? Sure, I have made mistakes. My mother purports to be a good, Christian woman. I am exhausted. I had surgery on Monday and Mother started feeling ill on Friday so I sat in the waiting room for 3 hours with her. I have visited her each day. Tomorrow, I have to rest. She thinks I should let her move in with me. I am helping her because Jesus would want me too. I wonder why a mother sometimes chooses a child to abuse. I feel guilty for being hurt that she does not wish to give me any of her jewelry or nice things. I remind myself that those things pass away. I am not sure why my siblings do not seem to care how I feel. Does anyone have any idea why this is happening and how can I carry on and keep quiet about it? She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

well she's 94 years old ... could be she's not playing with a "full deck" at this point in her life. Whether she gives you things or not shouldn't matter ... so I would leave the "things" out of it.

If/when she treats you badly (verbally/emotionally) ask her why she does that?

dqhall · Nov 8, 2021

Salvadore said:
My mother is 94 years old. She recently told me I was trash and had brought shame on the family. I have an older brother and younger sister. My sister has minimal contact with her even though she lives 2 minutes from mother. I am the major caregiver. Mother has not been able to drive for the last 5 years. I take her to appointments, the bookstore, grocery, etc. I spend between 2 1/2 and 4 hours per week with her. My mother has given a lot of her valuables to my brother, sister and grandchildren. She begrudgingly has given me a few inexpensive items. Sometimes I feel like a fool. It is like I am a glutton for punishment. How can she, in good conscience, accept my help and treat me this way? Sure, I have made mistakes. My mother purports to be a good, Christian woman. I am exhausted. I had surgery on Monday and Mother started feeling ill on Friday so I sat in the waiting room for 3 hours with her. I have visited her each day. Tomorrow, I have to rest. She thinks I should let her move in with me. I am helping her because Jesus would want me too. I wonder why a mother sometimes chooses a child to abuse. I feel guilty for being hurt that she does not wish to give me any of her jewelry or nice things. I remind myself that those things pass away. I am not sure why my siblings do not seem to care how I feel. Does anyone have any idea why this is happening and how can I carry on and keep quiet about it? She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

Did you ask for any of your mother’s belongings? Sometimes one sibling will pressure a parent to exclude another sibling in order to get a larger inheritance. Sometimes they merely asked for jewelry, artwork, antiques or other things.

If your mother moves in with you, should you charge her room and board if she has any income or assets?

Macchiato · Nov 8, 2021

Tom 1 said:
I agree @Tolworth John ’s answer. In a situation like this, where the other party believes they are justified in being abusive, you have to set the boundaries. Not saying that it’s easy, but treating other people with love and respect doesn’t mean allowing them to treat you badly without consequence. Whatever the particulars of it are, it’s important to find some way of drawing up a set of boundaries and sticking to them no matter what.

What about what Jesus says though? Im paraphrasing but He basically says that you dont get a reward for being kind to others that are kind to you. Its when you g beyond and show kindness to those who have ill will towards you.

Im not telling OP to take abuse but if his mom is gravely ill and in need. I think he should help her but thats thr extent of it. If not we're no better than the world. Dont sit and chat with her just take her to an appointment or get groceries and let that be that.

My dad is like your mom but im stuck until im able to move. Its hard but God's tests are pretty hard. Youre doing the right thing.

Macchiato · Nov 8, 2021

Tolworth John said:
My advice is to treat this as a comercial arrangement.

She has no respect for you yet willingly accepcs your help.
Ok How will she pay her share of the rent, utility bills, food costs and for your time.
Talk to her about this, get it put in writing with a solicitor, even getting power of attorney .

Befor this talk to your brother and sister, you are going to give up your independence in order to care for their mother. What are they going to pay to cover the costs their mother is not meeting.

No agreement and it doesn't happen, and you tell your mother to ring one of them for help.

This is brutal, but hey are being brutal to you, insulting you, taking you for granted and leaving you to care for her.

You care and love her, so ensure that you are paid for the care they donot appreciate.

Shes 94 how is she going to pay for anything? I think if the treatment is that bad just put her in a home. Demanding money and all of that seems un christ-like to me. Shes 94 and feeble.

splish- splash · Nov 8, 2021

Pray for her so she can put her house inorder.

Tom 1 · Nov 8, 2021

Macchiato said:
What about what Jesus says though? Im paraphrasing but He basically says that you dont get a reward for being kind to others that are kind to you. Its when you g beyond and show kindness to those who have ill will towards you.

Im not telling OP to take abuse but if his mom is gravely ill and in need. I think he should help her but thats thr extent of it. If not we're no better than the world. Dont sit and chat with her just take her to an appointment or get groceries and let that be that.

My dad is like your mom but im stuck until im able to move. Its hard but God's tests are pretty hard. Youre doing the right thing.

Kindness doesn’t mean being a doormat and having no boundaries.

Macchiato · Nov 8, 2021

Tom 1 said:
Kindness doesn’t mean being a doormat and having no boundaries.

Never said that. I said OP should still help her but leave it at that. No small talk or anything. Just help then go home.

Jesus was completely vilified. We arent greater than our Master and again if we are only nice to those who are nice to us. We've earned nothing even the world does that.

Were called to be an example. A light. To go the extra mile.

Salvadore · Nov 8, 2021

Mclachlan said:
Susan, It may be a good idea to spend more time praying for her, and less time with her in person.
We can care so much for people and bear their burdens that we fail to care for ourselves. After intense ministry (healing, preaching, and teaching etc) Jesus regularly withdrew to desolate places probably to restore his energy and pray with the Father. Love your neighbour as you love yourself-- look after yourself and give enough time to draw back and contemplate the situation in thought and prayer.
Ephesians 2:8-10

Peace with you,
Hayden

Thank you. I am not going to hospital today. I am going to catch up on some things here. I try to expect nothing, but mother promised me her wedding rings and she gave them to my sister instead just yesterday. Mom does not have dementia. She has anger.

Tom 1 · Nov 8, 2021

Macchiato said:
Never said that. I said OP should still help her but leave it at that. No small talk or anything. Just help then go home.

Jesus was completely vilified. We arent greater than our Master and again if we are only nice to those who are nice to us. We've earned nothing even the world does that.

Were called to be an example. A light. To go the extra mile.

You’re missing the point. I don’t really have time to explain it to you.

com7fy8 · Nov 8, 2021

Salvadore said:
had brought shame on the family.

Did you somehow bring real shame to the family, at some time?

Even if you did, Jesus has us forgive. And He Himself forgives us for however we have done wrong, in the past.

So, whether she is making things up or you really at some point did something shameful . . . start fresh now, no matter if others accept you and forgive you. And I personally forgive people for not forgiving me. But, still, I am not so good at forgiving with real love and caring prayer. I might be doing it only or mainly to try to make sure I am forgiven, and I don't think this is God's way.

So, now you and I both can get more real in how to love. And be with God so we are satisfied and encouraged, and evil people do not decide how we are

There are people who are sick with evil, so they do not know how to love. So, you be real with God and encouraged, and be her best friend she could have, by being caring and loving with her so she has an opportunity to find out how to love, because of your example.

In prayer for her, be ready for love; and whether she loves you or not, you will have loving with ones who are also able to love.

Waymarker · Nov 8, 2021

Salvadore said:
..My mother is 94 years old. She recently told me I was trash and had brought shame on the family..

If it's not true don't take her seriously, especially as mothers tend to get cantankerous in their old age and sadly Satan uses them as his ventriloquist's dummy to get at us..

Salvadore · Nov 8, 2021

com7fy8 said:
Did you somehow bring real shame to the family, at some time?

Even if you did, Jesus has us forgive. And He Himself forgives us for however we have done wrong, in the past.

So, whether she is making things up or you really at some point did something shameful . . . start fresh now, no matter if others accept you and forgive you. And I personally forgive people for not forgiving me. But, still, I am not so good at forgiving with real love and caring prayer. I might be doing it only or mainly to try to make sure I am forgiven, and I don't think this is God's way.

So, now you and I both can get more real in how to love. And be with God so we are satisfied and encouraged, and evil people do not decide how we are

There are people who are sick with evil, so they do not know how to love. So, you be real with God and encouraged, and be her best friend she could have, by being caring and loving with her so she has an opportunity to find out how to love, because of your example.

In prayer for her, be ready for love; and whether she loves you or not, you will have loving with ones who are also able to love.

I am not sure what qualifies as bringing shame. I am not a prostitute. I am not a drug addict. I do not drink or smoke. I appear in public fully clothed. I am a conservative dresser. I am a bit overweight (that could be it). I have a 4 year degree. No tattoos. This is what I think brought shame. I married at age 20 as a virgin. We were poor. We lived in a place she deemed unacceptable. It wasn't really a house or an apartment like in a big city. It was a concrete block building with a living room. kitchen, bedroom and bath. Yes. It looked like where poor people live. It didn't bother me but it bothered her.
She has never forgiven me for being poor. I brought shame on the family by doing this. There is probably more but this is what she says. BTW. I told my sister today that Mom had promised me her wedding rings long ago and I would like to have them. Surprisingly, my sister said okay. I agreed to pass them to my sister's daughter upon my death. Mom tries to divide, but God is good and strong. I feel better having taken a day away from Mom and having talked with my siblings about some hurt I have experienced. We had a good day today.

Salvadore · Nov 8, 2021

Tom 1 said:
I agree @Tolworth John ’s answer. In a situation like this, where the other party believes they are justified in being abusive, you have to set the boundaries. Not saying that it’s easy, but treating other people with love and respect doesn’t mean allowing them to treat you badly without consequence. Whatever the particulars of it are, it’s important to find some way of drawing up a set of boundaries and sticking to them no matter what.

I understand what you are saying. When my mother starts to be mean to me I have decided to say "I want to talk with you when you are being respectful to me. I am not trash. I am God's child. I want you to treat me like I am one of God's children". If you are unable to do so, please call my brother or sister. I am determined to the best I can with her without sacrificing my sanity and without being mean to her. Thanks to all. This is a big test.

Tolworth John · Nov 9, 2021

Macchiato said:
Shes 94 how is she going to pay for anything? I think if the treatment is that bad just put her in a home. Demanding money and all of that seems un christ-like to me. Shes 94 and feeble.

Exactly the same way she pays her way now.

We have three children, only one is active in careing for the remaining parent and that care is only gong to get greater, involve mote time and expense.

A labourer is worth there pay, one does not muzzle the ox treading out the grain.

How do I continue to care for my aging mother who does not love me?

Active Member

Well-Known Member

Optimistic sceptic

Regular Member

Active Member

Active Member

God is Love

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Team- Early Interventions

Optimistic sceptic

Well-Known Member

Active Member

Optimistic sceptic

Well-Known Member

Newbie

Active Member

Active Member

Well-Known Member

Similar threads