Trying to convert, trying to believe, trying to find God, but still nothing ...

TruthSeek3r · Nov 8, 2021

I know my profile says that I'm a Christian, but in all honesty that's not actually true. I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. And I'm not quite sure what it is. If I had to put it into words, I'd probably say that I can't truly call myself a Christian because "I still haven't found God" (whatever that means). If you then ask me what do I exactly mean by "finding God", I'm not even sure what I myself mean by that. Perhaps I probably mean that I just have theoretical knowledge in my head. I am currently doing my third year of PhD in Computer Science. Due to my STEM background, I'm a very rational and logic oriented person. I'm always thinking logically, pondering arguments, counter-arguments, the strength of an argument, the potential fallacies of an argument, etc. I can perfectly understand how a skeptical person thinks, because I can reason like a skeptic and I used to be an agnostic skeptic myself.

But despite all this, the thing that keeps me so obsessed with the possibility that Christianity might be true is the fact that there are so many powerful testimonies. Testimonies can be quite powerful. In fact, testimonies are so pivotal to Christianity that the whole historical argument for the resurrection of Jesus relies on the testimonies of the Apostles and the defense of their credibility. Without testimonies, there would be no Christianity. And a common pattern that I see across all testimonies is this: that there is a supernatural living God who is willing to reveal Himself to people and become intimately involved in their lives. And I think that's exactly what I'm missing. I'm missing that God. The God of the powerful testimonies. The living God. The God who reveals Himself. The God that is not just a theoretical idea or hypothesis in my head ... Unfortunately, I haven't found that God yet ...

But I'm trying. I'm trying, I'm trying. I'm trying to convert, I'm trying to believe, I'm trying to pray, I'm trying to seek God ... but nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Just nothing, not getting anywhere, feeling trapped in a constant silence and spiritual dryness, in the loneliness and silence of the night, in the darkness of my room. Entertaining thoughts about the purpose of life, the meaning of it all. Feeling tempted to fall into nihilism once again ...

Meanwhile, the God of the powerful testimonies? Nowhere to be found.

What can I do?

TheWhat? · Nov 8, 2021

You could try reading the Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer and/or the Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

It's been years since I've read them but I found them to be good reading material on the subject.

GospelS · Nov 8, 2021

Brother,

I see you that are trying and I think nothing else is needed. If anything more, I would suggest that you read Psalms over and over and over. What you are feeling was also felt by other prophets who knew for certain that God is real but felt His silence. They too were distressed like yourself. Read about their experiences and how they faced it. Jesus felt the same while on the cross and cried out to Father.

I see Him right there with you. I see you are already listening to His voice but you just don't know that it's Him. I see that He is teaching and developing your character for His glory. He knows the reason why He created you. You will feel Him one day and it will be great.

Sabertooth · Nov 8, 2021

(I am a retired systems analyst.)
For me, once I realized that I was "born into Sin," Jesus (and the Bible taken literally) was the only model that offered a Cure for it.

That conflicts with the theory of evolution, but not with STEM pursuits, otherwise.

You cannot serve two masters:
either you were born into Sin and need a Savior,
or Original Sin never happened and you have no such need.

Who will you believe?

(A good church can draw you in the right direction.)

IWalkAlone · Nov 8, 2021

If you know God's grace you will love God. Those who love God love His words too.

GospelS · Nov 8, 2021

"For You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; You take no pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. Psalms 51:17

I've believed Him with the head knowledge for many years but everything changed and I met Him real in my heart when I just gave Him my broken heart. Just a broken heart surrendered to Him is all it takes.

ARBITER01 · Nov 8, 2021

You're an honest person.

Reason and logic are all good things, but to touch eternity requires that you leap beyond that reason and logic, what we call faith.

What I would do is seek people to pray for your salvation. A lot of times we need help with our faith, and prayers from other people will help.

He hears your prayers, keep reaching up.

GospelS · Nov 8, 2021

“Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭10:1‬

All of the great men of God in the Old Testament felt the same way from time to time. In this verse, David was articulating this exact emotion. He then goes on to explain that the Lord hides Himself in order to expose the heart of man.

Tolworth John · Nov 8, 2021

You are a rational intelligent person with a stem background.
What makes you believe scientific facts?
Why do you trust engineering or maths, physics, biology etc etc etc?
Have you personally tested them all or is it because an authority figure says this is true.

Check out the arguments, what caused the big bang?
Why is the universe finely designed so that small tweeks of molecular forces means nothing would work?

Have you investigated Jesus's death and resurrection?
Christianity is falsifiable if you can show he did not rise from the dead.

You want Jesus, start attending Church every sunday, one where they practice what is preached.

Faith is a gift from God we do not create it, so seek God in acting like a Christian.

Lost4words · Nov 8, 2021

Let go.

Put all of your trust in God.

Talk to Him in prayer. Lay your concerns at His feet. Take your academic hat off and let God talk to you. Have faith...

God bless you

coffee4u · Nov 8, 2021

We are body, soul and spirit. The body experiences the world through the senses, the soul is the mind and personality and it works well with the body. The senses talk to the brain and the brain reasons, meanwhile the spirit slumbers unused.
Then we try and find God which should be spirit to spirit but instead we reach out with our mind, because it is what we know and what comes naturally to us. if our minds have been well exercised for years to be extra logical sometimes this can be a hindrance.

We can try looking at evidence, books that show how Jesus was a real person because we feel this will build faith. But again that is us convincing our logical mind, that God exists due to proofs. Now that isn't to say feeding our soul on books can't be a first step, they certainly can, be but realize this will simply be a head knowledge type of belief, belief from the soul. So something like Evidence for Jesus: Discover the Facts That Prove the Truth of the Bible could be helpful for building your soul.

You will often hear someone say "If only I could see a miracle I would have faith" Unfortunately this only convinces the mind or soul, it does not produce long ranging faith.
If it did produce faith the Israelite's would not have wandered for 40 years in the wildness while miracle after miracle were preformed in front of them.

You can see Peter with his body, soul and spirit engaged here.
Matthew:14
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Peter knew Jesus, he had no issue with believing he existed as his mind had been given enough evidence through seeing miracle after miracle, so it wasn't his mind that needed more convincing but his faith in his spirit that needed growing.
He had faith enough to step out of the boat, but what caused him to sink? His senses saw and felt the storm and his logical mind registered fear probably due to both the storm the depth of the water. This lake is very deep and they had rowed out about 4km. Logic told him that what he was doing was impossible and that he would drown. His faith got less in proportion to his body and soul taking over and as his faith grew smaller he sank.

Faith from the spirit grows from spending time with God in prayer and the word of God. Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Believing he exists is a very good start but faith needs to be grown. The fact you are searching means you do have faith because if you had none you would not be searching for him. Only it is very small so small you feel like there is nothing, but you do have faith whether you know it or not or you would not be posting about it.
John 6:44
“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day."

Read the scriptures in particular the gospels.
While we read the word we obviously read with our mind but we need to make sure the mind does not take over pushing the spirit aside. Our minds can be rather like the bully if we let it. Read and let it sink in as it is. Accept whatever the passage says even if your rational mind would like to dissect or say certain things are not possible.
Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
Pray and ask God what your spirit should be receiving from it.

Carl Emerson · Nov 8, 2021

You have a decision to make...

Unless you become like a little child you cannot enter the Kingdom of God.

You have read about Jesus... what is your heart response?

His journey to the cross - do you join with those who say 'crucify Him' ??

... or do you echo the words of the thief on the cross "This man has done nothing wrong" ???

Can you see that crucifixion amounts to the murder of Truth.

The murder of Love.

The death of justice.

Yet He lives on in us - if we welcome Him in our hearts and give our lives to Him - because His Truth, Love and Justice are indestructible. Indeed Jesus is the essence of life itself, risen in the flesh.

So kneel with me and say yes to Jesus, I want you more than anything else, take over my life, forgive my selfish ways, I give my all to You.

This is the good news - simple and straight forward so the least can understand and respond.

You have a decision to make - this is where it starts for real.

Dave G. · Nov 8, 2021

You haven't been convicted of sin yet it seems. Once you realize you are lost in sin in terms of eternity then it becomes a matter of the heart to give yourself over to Jesus Christ who is the promise of God the Father for the ultimate sacrifice for all sin. Accepting Jesus you are washed clean and reborn of the Spirit. And the burden is removed, it's a heart matter.

Portions of this has been mentioned already in other folks posts to you. Let me say I spent 29 years believing I was Christian or better put "thinking I was". Then I realized I wasn't living that way, I became convicted of sin, really many sins and in desperation looked up and gave my life to Jesus. Everything started changing, that day was in Aug 1979. And it's still changing !

FutureAndAHope · Nov 8, 2021

Jesus said:

Luke 16:28-31 Let him warn my five brothers, so they won't come to this horrible place." Abraham answered, "Your brothers can read what Moses and the prophets wrote. They should pay attention to that." Then the rich man said, "No, that's not enough! If only someone from the dead would go to them, they would listen and turn to God." So Abraham said, "If they won't pay attention to Moses and the prophets, they won't listen even to someone who comes back from the dead."

Luke shows us that we have to believe in Jesus based upon His teachings, not signs, God does not always give people signs. I have seen miracles, but even then, there is still the daily step of choosing to believe Jesus's teachings. As an example, I believe in healing and have seen people made well through prayer, yet I myself fell sick. So far God has not healed me (It has been six months). I have the daily challenge to believe God or believe He does not exist. For fear of hell and thankfulness for His grace, I do not sin. I choose to look to the miracles He has performed, even when nothing yells at me, "God heals". For a person who has not seen a miracle, there is still the teaching of Jesus, to hang onto, His grace, mercy, and kindness toward us.

dqhall · Nov 8, 2021

You may try to memorize NT books, read testimonies about people who received salvation, do works of giving, meet Christians.

Sitting alone in the dark without grabbing some useful text to read is a waste of time.

Sunshinee777 · Nov 8, 2021

Did you confess your sins to Jesus and receive Jesus as your saviour? Having faith is not an emotion, it’s a decision.
”I decide now to believe that Jesus is my saviour He is real as Father in heaven” that is the start.
Everything will change after that. But you need to keep reading bible, talking to God and live with the Holy Spirit.
There is nothing wrong thinking rationally but if that is a wall between you and God then you need to take that wall down. You can do it, it will be best decision in your life, I promise. Have a little faith! God bless you.

Maria Billingsley · Nov 8, 2021

Well you may want to start by changing your status. Your claiming to be a Christian yet you are not. If you change your designation you can own it. From there start posting in the forum that can help you discover our King, Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
Blessings

lsume · Nov 8, 2021

Christ will appear a second time to those who look for Him. He came to me over 30 years ago. Seek and you will find. Christ will only share truth.

TruthSeek3r · Nov 8, 2021

Any idea how to do that? I don't see any way to edit that information in my profile page.

Maria Billingsley · Nov 8, 2021

We're all hoping you will change your mind. :oldthumbsup:

That being said, when you first logged on you must have considered yourself a Christian? If you did, why are you falling away ?

Trying to convert, trying to believe, trying to find God, but still nothing ...

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