I was very worried about the unpardonable sin. So much so that I think I may have accidentally blasphemed the Holy Spirit while I was asleep. I was tormented with fear and intrusive thoughts. Then when I woke up I heard what would definitely be considered blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and I fear I may have been the one who said it. Will God forgive me?
As has already been said, it isn't
the words that are unforgiveable; it's
the state of heart that produces them that cannot be forgiven. The Pharisees spoke blasphemy against the Spirit from hearts that hated Christ and did not believe forgiveness was found in him. Since there is no other way to obtain God's forgiveness except through Christ,
the Pharisees had cut themselves off from God's forgiveness. Their terrible accusation that Christ cast out demons by the power of the devil, was just symptomatic of hearts so far from God, so hardened into sin, they would not be cleansed and redeemed. God always forgives all who come to Him for forgiveness, but there are some who do not want His forgiveness, who don't think they need it, and so cannot be forgiven. Is this you? It doesn't seem like it.
Your fear of God, of having done something to cause Him to cast you out, suggests you have a very warped idea of God and your relationship to Him. The fear you have described above is a fear that is, at bottom, selfish. You are trying to protect yourself from God. You seem to think God is fiercely careful of the letter of His law rather than its spirit: If you say a certain set of words in a particular order, He'll drop the hammer on you - even if they're said with a heart that isn't in them and in a state of semi-wakefulness. This isn't the God I see revealed in Scripture.
God pursues sinners when they are His enemies, alienated from Him by their wicked works. (
Colossians 1:21); God reaches out in love to draw these sinful enemies to Christ (
John 6:44). Even though we were all of us "dead in trespasses and sins," caught in the grip of the World, the Flesh and the devil, God has worked to redeem us from ourselves and make us alive spiritually in Christ. (
Ephesians 2:1-9) Consider what the apostle Paul wrote to Titus:
Titus 3:3-7
3 For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another.
4 But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared,
5 Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;
6 Which he shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour;
7 That being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
All of us come to salvation as miserable, wicked wretches (though, we don't usually see ourselves quite this way). Before being saved, we were all disobedient, deceived, enslaved to lusts, malicious and hateful. Yikes! Did that stop God from showing us His great love in the Person of His Son? (
John 3:16) Not a bit! Through Jesus, God shed upon us abundantly the life of the Spirit, making us "heirs of God and joint-heirs with Christ." (
Romans 8:17)
So, why on earth are you afraid of God? Especially if you've been saved, there is absolutely no reason to fear your Heavenly Father. His heart toward you is ALWAYS a heart of love! He's not out to get you; He's not waiting eagerly for the slightest reason to boot you out of His kingdom. Surely, in sending His only Son to die for you, He's shown you that He is far, far, far more committed to your well-being than anyone else! Why, then, would you think that, in a moment of confused, fearful half-wakefulness, you'd committed a sin for which God would not forgive you?
1 John 4:16-19
16 We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
17 By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world.
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
19 We love, because He first loved us.
It's been my experience that people are afraid of God mainly because they want to live their way rather than His; they love themselves and their sin more than they love God. This creates a sense of constant, fearful jeopardy, of divine threat; for we know God is holy and will one day judge all wickedness from which we have not repented and that we have not confessed to Him. Is this what your problem is, do you think? Are there parts of your life you just refuse to yield to God's authority and control?
The other common reason people are afraid of God is that, although they know about His love, they haven't been
convinced of it. God's love is just an idea, an academic notion, not a reality in which they confidently live all the time. Such people need to consider carefully the truth of God's love and accept it as true for themselves, believing that it is as deep, endless, and pure as the Bible says it is. There is in this true belief, in being fully convinced of God's love, profound rest and peace, not fear.