My church turned on me m any years ago and I have tried to keep the relationship alive

Elizhum said:

I feel as though my entire church has turned on me. It seems like I can never do anything right, and no one wants to have anything to do with me. I tried many years to pray and fast about it. I feel as though they all gossip about me, and run me down. I have tried so hard to do things for others and it just gets blown up in my face. My walk with God has suffered. I know my walk with God has nothing to do with them, but I feel like I'm bitter inside because of all of this. I have wanted to leave so many times, but my husband won't go with me if I do. I don't see a way out. I also don't have a vehicle and have not worked in several years because I'm a stay at home mom. I don't want to quit on God, and I want to stay in church. I also think my pastor and family has destroyed my reputation with many churches in his fellowship, and these are people who don't even know me.

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Revelation 3:1 And unto the angel of the church in Sardis write; These things saith He that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars; I know thy works, that thou hast a name that thou livest, and art dead. 2 Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die: for I have not found thy works perfect before God. 3 Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent. If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee. 4 Thou hast a few names even in Sardis which have not defiled their garments; and they shall walk with Me in white: for they are worthy. 5 He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before My Father, and before His angels. 6 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.

If this were a problem with the local church, you would just leave. Unfortunately, this is a marital problem between you, God, and your husband. Focus on praying and on working this out with your husband.

As for the phone calls, ask them not to call you anymore or block their number. As to your fears of gossip or reputational damage, give your burden to Jesus.

Elizhum said:

We do pay Tithes regularly and that has nothing to do with me, because I do not work. My pastor wants to know if we are going anywhere if we miss church and whether or not we can miss. He also tells us whose church we can visit. He has said before he is the head of the church and he is daddy, but I have disagreed with that. God is the head and he said call no man father because he is the father of all. I don't trust them either, and I have asked them if they gossip about me and I believe they are all a bunch of busybodies. We haven't been making our monthly payments for his birthday, anniversary, and pastor appreciation fund, and they keep calling us about it. I don't think you should be forced to appreciate your pastor.

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This sounds pretty excessive, controlling, and annoying. “Pastor appreciation fund”? Really? Monthly payments?

spiritfilledjm said:

I was afraid of that. I'm also sad to see that your husband agrees with them, apparently, in your next post a few posts down. I do believe this is why. I find it interesting though, why isn't your husband making the payments for all of the other things they apparently require outside of your tithe?

Now to completely criticize this specific church in particular:

This is no church but rather a cult that follows the pastor in the church more than they follow God. He has a god-complex and must repent. You are right to not call him "daddy" or anything else other than Pastor.

This is a very difficult situation overall because if you were to completely leave and refuse to come to church it would likely cause a lot of grief and heartache for your husband to the point that your husband could decide he wants a divorce. Normally, immediately leaving the church is exactly what I would advise in this situation but as your husband is not on board, it would not be wise to do so. Pray for Him, read your Bible, pray every day, watch other church services online when you can. Also, delight in your Lord when you do attend this church. Remember that you are there to worship God and nothing more. I pray God will send somebody or some people to that church that will fellowship with you and not treat you like trash.

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I don't think that going to different churches is going to affect a good marriage. I know of husbands and wives who go to different churches, and their children attending still other churches. It effectively brings a wider range of good people to fellowship with. My wife doesn't come to church with me, for reasons of her own. That doesn't negatively affect our marriage at all. She has her space and I have mine.

Oscarr said:

I don't think that going to different churches is going to affect a good marriage. I know of husbands and wives who go to different churches, and their children attending still other churches. It effectively brings a wider range of good people to fellowship with. My wife doesn't come to church with me, for reasons of her own. That doesn't negatively affect our marriage at all. She has her space and I have mine.

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Different strokes I mean, if you're ok with that, cool. Personally, I know I would hate it but I understand. Each person having their own space and/or hobbies that they can go to or do alone can definitely help in marriage so I completely understand.

spiritfilledjm said:

Different strokes I mean, if you're ok with that, cool. Personally, I know I would hate it but I understand. Each person having their own space and/or hobbies that they can go to or do alone can definitely help in marriage so I completely understand.

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Before I retired, I was a Victim Advisor with the Ministry of Justice for 10 years, dealing mainly with domestic violence victims. One of the main causes of domestic violence was the notion in the mind of a husband that his wife had to do what he told her to do, otherwise she would be punished. Domestic violence starts with verbal put-downs and demands for obedience, then it progresses to limiting the wife's options, separating her from friends, then it evolves into actual physical assault, and some victims end up dead. We dealt with some church wives who suffered domestic violence through the "my wife must submit to me" attitude. Some church husbands thought they had the right under God to physically punish their wives if they thought they were being disobedient. 4% of the community are victims or are connected with victims of domestic violence. The sad fact is that 3% of all church members are also victims or connected with victims. Domestic violence comes from the same spirit as workplace and school bullying. It has the attitude, "I am bigger and stronger than you, therefore you do what I say or else". Spiritual abuse from church pastors, elders, or fellow church members comes from the same spirit: "I am closer to God/more important/have a more responsible role in the church than you, so you have to come under my authority, otherwise I will label you as rebellious, a jezebel, and I will have to cast that evil spirit out of you." Other tactics of spiritual bullies are gossiping, public humiliation, blocking from having a ministry in the church, giving false personal prophecies against them, criticising before others, sarcastic put-downs, and even excommunication with instructions to other church members to totally avoid them. This type of abuse has been described as "the silent epidemic" and is widespread over all church denominations.

For this reason, when I was the leader of my Presbyterian church, I led from so far behind that no one knew I was there. I exercised authority over no one. I was there to serve and encourage the members. I am head of my home, so whatever my wife says, shall be done! The result is that I have had 30 years of happy marriage.

Elizhum said:

I feel as though my entire church has turned on me.

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Well, what I go by, for myself, is > if I get in a problem with someone . . . Jesus says to rejoice when evil people speak all manner of bad things against us . . . falsely accusing us . . . because we have been living for Jesus.

So-o-o-o > often enough, I note how I am not exactly rejoicing about people who speak and act against me. And I am not blessing them and praying for them, like Jesus says . . . including "bless those who curse you" (in Luke 6:28).

So-o-o > even if someone else is so wrong, if I let them have power over me so I am not loving like God's word says . . . who is my main problem?

me myself and I

So, I need first how God takes care of me, then discover how He takes me while He is working everything else.

Below is a lot of detail, in case you wish to read about some things of my church experiences. But discover how God creates with you

What has worked for me, I think, is when I have a major trouble with someone who is wrong and it gets the better of me to make me hurt and critical and unforgiving . . . I do well to stop until God corrects me to be with Him in His peace so I am loving the person and getting God's creative guidance and inspiration about how to love and help that wrong person.

My church had one questionable church leader; what worked was how I got encouraged to be ready for love with him. And loving him meant I would be the right way as his example so he could find out how to be and how to love. And trust God to make this work however He pleased. And do not let the person get me the wrong way. Be kind to him, and be in an encouraging attitude . . . in my attitude encouraging him to become real in love and character. And, of course, trust and depend on the LORD to have me doing this.

And with this, he and I did better.

But even if a certain person is not able to benefit from my Christian example - - - by staying ready for love, I am ready to share with others who are really loving in Jesus. And God can use our example to help ones who do not know how to love.

But it is possible how someone can change his or her way of relating with you, only so the person will not be shown up if he or she keeps treating you badly while you keep on being kind and caring with that person and others. Your good example can expose an evil and conceited and narcissistic person; so the person could then put on a show of approving you and fake love for you. So, you need to be with God, so you can discern what to do with God and not be swayed by how people react and make things look.

And if you do things with God, I offer > you will see things develop. He will not waste you and your labor.

Even while I was not so much of a Christian person, I did seek to do what God had me do, all the time. And I got into a church with beliefs that were not right, I would say. And there were dictatorial ministers enforcing their ways. But I prayed and sought to obey the LORD. And the church closed, and the pastor left that denomination and assisted at a different kind of church. I did not make that happen, but when I was ready for a better church, then was when the whole church closed and on we went!

Don't assume about how things look.

While I have kept with seeking the LORD, pastors have tried to control me, treat me like dirt, abuse me; one died at a very young age, another got fired, and another has been put out of a couple of churches, but now seems to have grown and has recently given me good advice, I would say.

But I prayed and pray for these people.

Then I got in a church with mature members, but the leaders tended to be younger and needing maturity. They could make things happen, but get wasted in the process, but gave I would say very substantial messages, as ones growing and still needing their own correction. I would say we have had really Christian people, and we have helped people; but things seemed suspicious to me, in a number of ways, including how I seemed to keep on being wrong in some ways, plus I seemed to be getting controlled from ministering like I should.

Then came the pandemic. And I understood God was putting me on "time out" for my own correction, plus it seemed the church was caught flat-footed . . . not ready to immediately have small group church in various places in legal and safe ways; it seems ones were stuck on having gatherings only on Sunday in the building. It seems ones were all trapped in depending on only or mainly the pastor and the assistant, in order for gatherings to work. So, I understood that God would have things develop for our church; but I understood I would not be with them.

God's church had not missed one heartbeat and was doing exactly all His will, with no need for political grandstanding for or against masks and precautions. At any time, He could guide His obedient children to have safe and distant gathering, to be creative. So, I offered myself to God, to guide me at each moment, how He pleased. And while I was not going through "time out" correction, I always had love, always had ministering to do . . . on the Net, a lot, yes. But I always could be still and know He is God and be supplied with love and peace with creativity what to do.

Then my church moved out of my area, to marry into a city church! And I kept seeking the LORD to guide me and feed me loving to do. There was plenty of loving to do, all the time. You can not run out of people to love, not with Jesus

When things were officially safer, I went with my lady friend to her church, and tested my town's church that I found to be possibly credible. I have stayed clear of my church in the city, so I will not be a possible connector between two churches and two large population areas. And it seems now God is growing me with her people.

But always we need to be ready for wrong people; we need to grow in how to relate well with wrong people. They can be a whole church or some one impossible member.

By the way, I have invested more in my own town's local church. There might be a non-Biblical tendency of a lot of what the church does, but I have found a tiny group of their members who have a Bible group on Zoom. And we seem to work out well. So, investing in that church brought me not to more and more busy busy busy with others, but to our little family sharing with one another.

So, this is what God has created with me. Trust Him our Creator to create your love life

Hey!

I cut ties with the church 7 years ago and just came back 3 years ago after being burned by them. And, I'm glad I came back. I'm glad God placed godly people in my life and godly leaders to walk with me in the hurts and bitterness that I held onto.

And I want to encourage you: It can be the same for you. I'm not saying people aren't gossiping about you, but make sure to assess the situation that it's not just your mind. We can sometimes assume things that are there which aren't there because of our own hurts.

You are loved, you belong in the church, your gifts belong in the church. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Have you talked to leaders about your concerns?

Elizhum said:

I feel as though my entire church has turned on me. It seems like I can never do anything right, and no one wants to have anything to do with me. I tried many years to pray and fast about it. I feel as though they all gossip about me, and run me down. I have tried so hard to do things for others and it just gets blown up in my face. My walk with God has suffered. I know my walk with God has nothing to do with them, but I feel like I'm bitter inside because of all of this. I have wanted to leave so many times, but my husband won't go with me if I do. I don't see a way out. I also don't have a vehicle and have not worked in several years because I'm a stay at home mom. I don't want to quit on God, and I want to stay in church. I also think my pastor and family has destroyed my reputation with many churches in his fellowship, and these are people who don't even know me.

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It is time to leave this congregation and find one that loves. God , through His Holy Spirit lives in the regenerated Christian. You are already in His Church no matter what. Be blessed.

Elizhum said:

I feel as though my entire church has turned on me. It seems like I can never do anything right, and no one wants to have anything to do with me.

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Peter's answer to this is found in 1 Peter 4:12-19:
"12 Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:
13 But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.
14 If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you: on their part he is evil spoken of, but on your part he is glorified."

What is happening to you is called "gracious service:. Some are called to serve God in powerful ministries for Him. This has nothing to do with the person's ability or experience. It has all to do with God's grace, and He chooses some to serve in a special way, and others to remain just as ordinary rank and file believers.

Also, "gracious service" also involves God allowing some to serve Him through suffering. This also has nothing to do with the person, what they do or say, or their level of holiness. Service to God through suffering involves God's grace as much as service through ministry. Both will receive honour from Christ when He hands out His rewards.

Of course there are people who suffer through their own fault and wrong decisions, and Peter covers that in what he says in the reference. But your description shows that the suffering you are encountering does not fit into that category. You are suffering because of the ungodly actions of others, while you are wanting to serve God to the best of your ability in that church.

The message of Peter's reference is that when we encounter the fiery trial of suffering, we don't become downcast and depressed over it, but rejoice with joy because we are suffering for Christ's sake and that we are bringing honour to Christ in our gracious service to Christ through suffering.

Once I was button holed by a fellow church elder who gave me a list of his criticisms about my service in the church. I left the message very downcast. My home is a five-minute walk from the church. Halfway home I stopped and asked the Lord, "Was that criticism from you?" His answer was immediate: "Nope!" My mood totally and immediately changed and I carried on my way home joyful and rejoicing.
15 But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men's matters.
16 Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.
17 For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of God?
18 And if the righteous scarcely be saved, where shall the ungodly and the sinner appear?
19 Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.

Elizhum said:

I feel as though my entire church has turned on me. It seems like I can never do anything right, and no one wants to have anything to do with me. I tried many years to pray and fast about it. I feel as though they all gossip about me, and run me down. I have tried so hard to do things for others and it just gets blown up in my face. My walk with God has suffered. I know my walk with God has nothing to do with them, but I feel like I'm bitter inside because of all of this. I have wanted to leave so many times, but my husband won't go with me if I do. I don't see a way out. I also don't have a vehicle and have not worked in several years because I'm a stay at home mom. I don't want to quit on God, and I want to stay in church. I also think my pastor and family has destroyed my reputation with many churches in his fellowship, and these are people who don't even know me.

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I agree with you - that sounds like a very bad scenario.

I can think of 3 options that you might want to consider.

1. There are online church zoom attend-remote options these days for those who choose not to attend a church in person. Find a church you like and attend it over zoom.
2. There are churches that meet on Saturday (as mine does) so you can attend both your Sunday church and a Saturday one if you are able to drive yourself when your husband does not need the car.
3. There are online fellowship discussion groups.

So you have several options as I see it.