Give "Bad" Advice (3)

I was told once that replacing laundry detergent with slices of red onion will do the trick. add a bit of moldy cheese while you’re at it!

Dropped my phone and now it’s super cracked...what steps should I take?

There is a Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with gold lacquer:

That is a reasonable and beautiful way to fix your screen.

How can I get out and travel in our post-Covid world?

Really? SA is post-Covid? I envy you. I'm still traveling like this:



How can I get better at playing chess?

Castling is key. Once you castle, the king is protected. Then pull out your gun and say, "Give me your king." It works every single time, in my experience.

What can I do to stay out of jail?

The key is to load the dice, so as never to land on the little policeman block. For good measure, palm a few get out of jail free cards in your sleeves, or avoid community chest entirely.

How can I make sure everyone arrives on time?

Buy everyone a high-precision Rolex. It's a small price to pay to enforce your dictatorial leanings.

How can I make sure no one arrives at all?

Only promise them a high precision Rolex. Who would pitch if you only got a free watch?

I need to drive tonight, but it is too dark.

Well I'm Orthodox. I'd just say glue oil lamps to the front of your car.

How can I get rid of this hitch in my get-along?

I'd suggest extensive hip and back surgery. We will start with a L2-5 fusion, total hip replacement with cemented bipolar, tendon transfer, core revascularisation, etc. We'll keep going until your credit limit is reached.

How can I sound more folksy?

Start playing a banjo or a fiddle while you speak.

How can I run faster?

Isn't that what energy drinks are for?

How can I spy on the help?

Wear these, and you can just move amongst them freely.



How can I finally catch that roadrunner that's always causing me to blow myself up and fall off of cliffs over and over again?

You must understand the physical principle of subjective determinism. Laws like Gravity only become operative once observed. It is akin to how the taxonomic subtitle only appears if you freeze momentarily.

How can I stop taking that wrong turn at Albuquerque?

If you want something done right, do it yourself. If you want accurate data, you'll have to build and launch your own GPS satellite.

I was hunting in the woods the other day, and I got thirsty. I leaned over a pool to drink, saw the most beautiful person I'd ever seen, fell in love, and now I can't leave the pool! Help!

Don't worry, you are bound to be turned into a flower or bird or something any day now.

I need to return something, but the company is staffed by incompetents.

Go to work for the company, then you can return the item to yourself.

I want to be a bodybuilder and look like a young Schwarzenegger, but I've discovered that, surprisingly, lifting heavy things and putting them back down again over and over is hard work, as well as lacking in intellectual stimulation.

You are going about this the wrong way. You must fully embrace your rolemodel. Speak in a funny accent, wear speedos wherever you go, and move across the Atlantic. Once you get that down, then start lifting. Start small, with something you really want to lift, like cake into your mouth, and work your way up gradually by increasing the cake size again and again. That ought to work.

How do I put this CPAP machine on?

Most of us call it a "calculator", and you don't need to wear it to find the Consecutive Primes in Arithmetic Progression.

How can I quit smoking?

Stop being a witch, then I have no reason to have to burn you. You must stop weighing the same as a duck, therefore proving you are made of wood, and therefore eminently combustible.

How can I easily sift through old movies for obscure references?

The older the movie, the more obscure references it will contain, so just stick to pre-Renaissance movies.

How can I get this fiddler off my roof?