The Excuse Game

I suffer from severe fear of the letter p - Piphobia. Just having to write it twice in the very name, and your response, has me bubbling in the foetal position.

Bring me my blankey

I would, but I'm just standing here, rapt, thinking about how cuute that is lol.

Share with your sister

If only you knew my sister...

Help me lug this grand piano up 20 flights of stairs?

Typical Americans. Why can't we lug it up a nice decimal 80 metres? But no, we have to use some archaic measurement like a flight of stairs. Might as well say a score of scalariae.

Why can't we just be done?

We've been done a long time, just waiting for you guys to catch up. (Not sure who 'we' and 'you' are)

Are you ready to wake up and smell the coffee?

Got Covid. No sense of smell. I've got no taste either, according to what people been saying for years.

You should make gold a key component of your portfolio.

Gold weighs too much, and it is a very soft metal, so the hinges of my binder can't be made of the stuff.

Think man!

I'm trying to think but nothing's happening.

Give me some advice?

Okay, but I only give bad advice.

Let me interest you in a reverse mortgage.

No, the Levitical laws are against interest. I do all my financial transactions the biblical way of swopping for livestock, and to insure I never have interest I only do so in the groggy period after I get up from bed but prior to coffee.

Work for me for 7 years.

Sorry, I'm having a jubilee of jubilees.

Ask me next year.

The orbit is a continuous thing, so how am I supposed to know at what arbitrary point 'next year' starts?!

Let's get a cup of coffee

I've heard coffee comes from Columbia. That's way too far to go.

Pray the gay away.

Don't know where you've been, but nowadays we make 'em pastors and bishops.

Stop the world, I want to get off.

You weren't even supposed to be on the ride. You're too short.



Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.

Sorry, I'm stockpiling for the zombie apocalypse.

Say something else highly provocative, potentially offensive, and staggeringly funny.

Your face.

Help me sweep the chimney?

No because now I'm sulking.

Can I have a cuggle?

Is that a portmanteau for cuddling and kegel exersizes? Ewh...

Can't you be more modest?

No. My imam told me that my physique is so awesome that I'm the only Muslim man he ever advised to wear a full body burka to prevent tempting women, but I can't find a burka to match my neon green Air Jordans.

Let's go trick-or-treating.