Going back has had a positive impact on my heart. There are things you can't see without a mirror. I'm able to contemplate my response in ways I couldn't otherwise. Because it doesn't come up. Sometimes I'm surprised by what comes out. I haven't pondered the question (in years) or my perspective changed.
Now I know why I've never married. What was holding me back and why I said no. Some of it came out with
@sampa and the rest through written reflections to another. I don't want to be in a cage or confined to a life of drudgery. Work, home, and friends from time to time. I need more than that.
I've spent a lot of time listening. Especially in this forum. I've paid attention to the things members shared about their faith and their approach to marriage. I realized a few things because of it.
I'm not looking for a pastor (behavior wise) or someone with a regimented approach. I don't want to be micromanaged spiritually. Even if he means well. I'm not his student. I want someone who talks to me not at me. Because he's so determined to show authority he doesn't realize he's looking down.
I used to think I'd enjoy some of the things people talk about. But it feels like work. If we pray, study the bible, or read a devotional I don't want to do it because we should. I want us to do it because we're interested. We like the topic, want to learn more, or try something different. Not because of expectations hanging over our heads.
Maybe because I've gotten rid of the should's I can't stomach them now. Or I spent too much time in
@public hermit's cave sipping the good stuff.
