Christian relationship advice

I think it's valid to be concerned about this kind of mismatch in personality. Perhaps the two of you could make it work, but perhaps it would always be a source of frustration and anxiety.

There are potential ways around some of it. I have seen couples, for example, where the husband who had lower drive and ambition ended up being the stay at home parent, and that suited everyone very well.

But the bigger concern - is this person going to work with me in life, or is he going to be someone else I have to pull along - that's something you either have to decide you can live with, or not.

And I know this wasn't the heart of your request for advice, but since you mentioned it... submission in marriage should be mutual, not just wife to husband. That doesn't necessarily change your concern, but perhaps it changes the way you can frame it.

Sounds like he is ambivalent……or maybe …just content where he is at.

Whatever license he says he is going after …it’s either not real to him or he is not interested in it anymore.

Find out … (you should know by now) what he is into …and start building some ambitions for him/with him. Get him to picture it in his own life …and where he can go with it.

If the tank is empty …if he has got nothing….that is exactly what he will attain.

Jane3322 said:

Hi everyone !

I have been with my Christian boyfriend for about a year now, and he is a great guy to me, very loyal sweet and caring. The only thing that continues to bother me are his current goals/ambitions in comparison to mine. I am 29, I have my career, live on my own, and have goals such as buying a home in the future and working towards being a better practitioner in my field. He is 38 years old, currently has a regular job (in which he cannot move up) and makes around $16/hour. He keeps telling me he is studying for a specific career manager license, but I never see him studying. Everyday I ask him he tells me, I couldn’t study because I was tired, or tomorrow I’ll study, or next week Etc. There is always an excuse to not study. Mind you , when I first met him he told me he was working on getting his career license within the first 3 months that I knew him. One year later and nothing has gotten done. I tell him my concerns, because I worry that I’m going to be with someone who is not ambitious or tries to better himself. It also worries me that I currently live alone, and I have no help. He does not make enough to be able to help me. I don’t want to come off like I want someone with money. That is not the case at all. But it’s concerning to me because it feels like everything in his life is always delayed or never happens. I kind of feel like he is comfortable in his parents home because he doesn’t need to provide rent or anything , whereas in my situation I had to do everything alone and did not receive help from anyone. As a Christian , it is also concerning because as a Christian woman, you submit to your husband. But how could I submit to someone who doesn’t have it together (career wise)? He keeps telling me not to worry and that he will get his license, but how can I not worry if I don’t see anything getting done? I feel bad sometimes because I don’t want to have that “worldly” persona. And I do want to have faith in him. And I have prayed. But sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice ?

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I really don't see anything wrong with wanting to marry someone who will do their part in taking care of you. Also, there is much danger, according to Proverbs, in idleness. Everywhere I read in the Bible indicates the virtues of preparation for troubles ahead, worthy ambition, etc. Not saying he is idle, but, well, to be frank, he sounds like it to me. I know the type. He may talk a good talk, but in the end, he sounds to me self-centered and lazy. He seems to want to 'just have fun'.

Also, I would imagine you don't want your children to grow up to be like him.

But, there is much virtue in being satisfied with life. So weigh it all carefully, then live with the consequences of what you decide. After you are married is not the time to become pushy. Believe me on this.

As Christians, when we marry someone, ideally we make a commitment "till death do us part". I don't think you can honestly make a commitment like that to a man who you have such strong reservations about. He sounds like a chronic underachiever and that doesn't seem to be the sort of husband you're looking for. The fact that you mention money so frequently reveals that money is very important to you. Money is important to God, too. But if you are pursuing money so that you can live a life of luxury, that's not what God wants for you. Please pray to God to help you use the money you earn to honor Him.

You say you have a career. You say he has a job. You say you live on your own. You say he lives with his parents. Etc.

Basically you don't want this guy to be your husband because he is a regular Joe. You are looking for an alpha male. You are 29 and still unmarried. Are you a 10/10 bombshell? A knockout? Are you a virgin? Do you think you can land that doctor, lawyer, or engineer?

You need to decide if you will be happy as the wife of a commoner. Apparently you are not. So your other choice is to breakup and look for your dream guy.

If you do marry your peasant boyfriend, you will obviously not be happy. To prevent a divorce, I suggest you break up. Hopefully you haven't slept with him, because then you would be better off staying with him.

But my guess is you will stay in your current situation.

confused because this post says you've been with boyfriend for about a year but your other post says 5 mos.

anyway, going by your other post & this one sounds like you're incompatible & you're getting ready to break it off

when someone shows you who they are, believe them...
he will not change

Jane3322 said:

Hi everyone !

I have been with my Christian boyfriend for about a year now, and he is a great guy to me, very loyal sweet and caring. The only thing that continues to bother me are his current goals/ambitions in comparison to mine. I am 29, I have my career, live on my own, and have goals such as buying a home in the future and working towards being a better practitioner in my field. He is 38 years old, currently has a regular job (in which he cannot move up) and makes around $16/hour. He keeps telling me he is studying for a specific career manager license, but I never see him studying. Everyday I ask him he tells me, I couldn’t study because I was tired, or tomorrow I’ll study, or next week Etc. There is always an excuse to not study. Mind you , when I first met him he told me he was working on getting his career license within the first 3 months that I knew him. One year later and nothing has gotten done. I tell him my concerns, because I worry that I’m going to be with someone who is not ambitious or tries to better himself. It also worries me that I currently live alone, and I have no help. He does not make enough to be able to help me. I don’t want to come off like I want someone with money. That is not the case at all. But it’s concerning to me because it feels like everything in his life is always delayed or never happens. I kind of feel like he is comfortable in his parents home because he doesn’t need to provide rent or anything , whereas in my situation I had to do everything alone and did not receive help from anyone. As a Christian , it is also concerning because as a Christian woman, you submit to your husband. But how could I submit to someone who doesn’t have it together (career wise)? He keeps telling me not to worry and that he will get his license, but how can I not worry if I don’t see anything getting done? I feel bad sometimes because I don’t want to have that “worldly” persona. And I do want to have faith in him. And I have prayed. But sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice ?

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Welcome to the forum, Jane.

It's apparent you've given this some thought and have some idea on what your plan is. Your description of your "boyfriend" seems open and honest (you've lost a lot of interest in him, even though he's a "sweet guy, caring, and loyal to you and your family"). You indicate you are a relatively new Christian and you present yourself as someone who is growing in their faith and expects the same growth (and commitment) from any future potential husband (and leader) of your family. Your reveal that your "boyfriend" is less than committed to growing his career (from lack of study) and has at least on some occasions been less than honest about his study goals, making excuses and pushing deadlines into the future. Given his age (38) and living rent free at home with his parents should be revealing about his level of motivation and self-control.

God wants a commitment in relationships. Why? Because ultimately what this leads toward is marriage, which is a foreshadowing of the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church. Jesus is head of His church, as a husband is head of his family (Ephesians 5:22-33). The question you need to pray about is "can you submit yourself the the type of leadership that your boyfriend will likely provide as a potential future husband."

Our LORD has relationship with people by way of covenant. He's committed. He's all out committed to that relationship. And that's the only kind that is honoring to God. Everything else is dishonoring.

Marriage like Christ and the Church
22 Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are parts of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

Jane3322 said:

I am 29, I have my career, live on my own, and have goals such as buying a home in the future and working towards being a better practitioner in my field. He is 38 years old, currently has a regular job (in which he cannot move up) and makes around $16/hour. He keeps telling me he is studying for a specific career manager license, but I never see him studying. Everyday I ask him he tells me, I couldn’t study because I was tired, or tomorrow I’ll study, or next week Etc. There is always an excuse to not study. Mind you , when I first met him he told me he was working on getting his career license within the first 3 months that I knew him. One year later and nothing has gotten done.

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Do you have to study for any kind of certification on your own time?

The certs that really pay you back to have aren't meant to be easy, and studying for them diligently is actually pretty hard for a lot of people. It's one of the harder things I've done, and I've had friends who attempted to study for certs who for one reason or another didn't make it. I have another friend who has been studying for a certification in his field, failing it, and studying for it again, failing it again, and studying again for 3 or 4 years, and he is very smart guy.

Jane3322 said:

It also worries me that I currently live alone, and I have no help. He does not make enough to be able to help me. I don’t want to come off like I want someone with money. That is not the case at all.

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Why do you want financial help from him?

Jane3322 said:

I tell him my concerns, because I worry that I’m going to be with someone who is not ambitious or tries to better himself . . . But it’s concerning to me because it feels like everything in his life is always delayed or never happens.

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It sounds to me like he values a decent work-life balance. There are guys out there who achieve more - but they'll work 60-80 hours a week instead of 40-50. That's time they could have spent with the ladies in their lives, or their kids if they have them. Some of them may have more of a propensity or at least more opportunity to cheat, as well. At the end of the day, which would you prefer - a man who works 40-50 hours a week but comes home to you every day with gas still in the tank, or a man who puts his career ahead of you and is always looking for the next job, location, or lady? Figure that out before you make final judgment on this guy.

Jane3322 said:

I kind of feel like he is comfortable in his parents home because he doesn’t need to provide rent or anything , whereas in my situation I had to do everything alone and did not receive help from anyone.

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From a dollars and cents perspective, it does make sense when you're only earning that much - does he have debt that he needs to knock out? Child support? Alimony?

But other than that, it's generally better to move out if you're not taking care of sick, disabled, or elderly parents. I had to move back in with my parents, and it took longer than I wanted to before I was in a position to move back out. But when I did, I did it right. I had a budget, and I made sure I was saving and giving first, then I eventually made enough besides that to be able to afford to move out. Does he have a plan like this?

Jane3322 said:

As a Christian , it is also concerning because as a Christian woman, you submit to your husband. But how could I submit to someone who doesn’t have it together (career wise)?

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The key to submission is respect, and respect is something that you have in your heart, or that you don't have in your heart. As Christians, it is all rooted in humility, love, and selflessness:


So, this is for all Christians, we are all supposed to have this in our hearts, and in increasing measures. When we have enough of this grown in our hearts, we can love one another as Scripture tells us to. How this manifests depends on the context. For husbands, it is loving his wife and laying his life down for her. For wives, it is respecting and submitting to their husbands as to the Lord. For parents, it is bringing their children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord without being too harsh. For friends, it is being available and paying back debts quickly. And so forth. The root is the same, but the manifestation is different.

In my experience, goal-driven people have a penchant for doers. I'm one of them. Building a future with someone whose behavior is lackluster is problematic. You'll never be satisfied and you'll have a hard time respecting him if you feel he's lazy, a procrastinator, or lacking vision.

It's a recipe for disaster. You'll try to motivate and inspire him. But you can't turn him into something he's not. If ambition and security matters get someone who fills the bill. With the understanding that has price. If he's working hard you may have less time together. Some people can live with that and some can't. Choose wisely.

~bella

Is it unreasonable to want your potential life partner to aspire to a certain level in their own life, for the benefit of the partnership? No. I think it's called having standards. When a person doesn't meet our standards, we have a tendency to want to try and change them, to make them be the person we want them to be. This may seem to work in the short term, but eventually, they will revert to who they are, not who you want them to be.

If a person doesn't meet your standards in life, it's best to move on from the relationship and find someone who does. It'll save you a lot of pain and struggle. That said, there is such a thing as having unrealistic expectations of a partner. Compromise is a good practice in relationships and people do find happiness in accepting each other as who they are, no matter their status in life.

Is it okay for a person like him to want to remain where he is? Yes, I think it is. Whether it's laziness, fear or just being content, he is a thirty eight year old man who is most likely set in his ways and pursuing his life goals (or lack thereof) at his own pace. He is unlikely to change for any person but himself.

It could be that at some point a catalyst will cause him to want to change his life and move forward, but there's no way for you to know what that is—and it may never come at all.

As a man who "failed to launch" myself, I can name a number of reasons why I was where I was, why I ended up where I am and why I feel the way I feel now about life's ambitions. For me, it changed as I got older and as stimuli nudged me in different directions. My Christian walk changed my perspective as well (love not the world, Jesus coming soon).

Only he knows why he is where he is and what he plans to do, if anything. My advice is to talk to him about it and find out what exactly his plans are. Don't pressure him with your expectations. Sit him down and ask him how he truly feels without putting any pressure on him to give the answers you want to hear.

Once you know exactly how he feels, then you can decide what is best for you going forward.

Jane3322 said:

Hi everyone !

I have been with my Christian boyfriend for about a year now, and he is a great guy to me, very loyal sweet and caring. The only thing that continues to bother me are his current goals/ambitions in comparison to mine. I am 29, I have my career, live on my own, and have goals such as buying a home in the future and working towards being a better practitioner in my field. He is 38 years old, currently has a regular job (in which he cannot move up) and makes around $16/hour. He keeps telling me he is studying for a specific career manager license, but I never see him studying. Everyday I ask him he tells me, I couldn’t study because I was tired, or tomorrow I’ll study, or next week Etc. There is always an excuse to not study. Mind you , when I first met him he told me he was working on getting his career license within the first 3 months that I knew him. One year later and nothing has gotten done. I tell him my concerns, because I worry that I’m going to be with someone who is not ambitious or tries to better himself. It also worries me that I currently live alone, and I have no help. He does not make enough to be able to help me. I don’t want to come off like I want someone with money. That is not the case at all. But it’s concerning to me because it feels like everything in his life is always delayed or never happens. I kind of feel like he is comfortable in his parents home because he doesn’t need to provide rent or anything , whereas in my situation I had to do everything alone and did not receive help from anyone. As a Christian , it is also concerning because as a Christian woman, you submit to your husband. But how could I submit to someone who doesn’t have it together (career wise)? He keeps telling me not to worry and that he will get his license, but how can I not worry if I don’t see anything getting done? I feel bad sometimes because I don’t want to have that “worldly” persona. And I do want to have faith in him. And I have prayed. But sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice ?

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I want to add something to what I said before. In spite of your best plans, you may become incapacitated at some point. What will $15/hr do for you then? Things happen. You need someone you can count on.

Jane3322 said:

I feel bad sometimes because I don’t want to have that “worldly” persona. And I do want to have faith in him. And I have prayed.

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You do not have to be wishful; if it is not clear for you to have faith in him, I think God is able to make us clear about what He wants and who is real.

Yes, by the way, God's word says >

"be content with such things as you have" (in Hebrews 13:5).

So, in any case, answer to God. But I would say God wants you with someone who is responsible and reliable . . . and honest.

Jane3322 said:

when I first met him he told me he was working on getting his career license within the first 3 months that I knew him. One year later and nothing has gotten done.

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Jane3322 said:

He keeps telling me not to worry and that he will get his license, but how can I not worry if I don’t see anything getting done?

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Well, if he knows he's not studying, but he is telling you he is . . . this does not prove he is honest and reliable.

Jane3322 said:

He is 38 years old, currently has a regular job (in which he cannot move up) and makes around $16/hour. He keeps telling me he is studying for a specific career manager license, but I never see him studying.

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So, he does work. But.

And you say he is loyal and good to you.

Ok . . . so how much does he do to help at his parents' place? How much of a handyman is he, and does he help with the yard and at least simpler house maintenance stuff? And where does his money that he earns go??

And how much can he do with a little bit of money? How creative is he, for using money for loving??

If he doesn't study, how does he use his personal time?

Actually, perhaps you have not gotten to know him, enough, if you don't know some of these things . . . which you have not talked about, anyway.

I suspect there can be a bottom-line thing > if you don't trust him, this could be all you really need to know. But I would not advise trying to find some ambitious guy, either.

Jane3322 said:

have been with my Christian boyfriend for about a year now, and he is a great guy to me, very loyal sweet and caring. The only thing that continues to bother me are his current goals/ambitions in comparison to mine. I am 29, I have my career, live on my own, and have goals such as buying a home in the future and working towards being a better practitioner in my field. He is 38 years old, currently has a regular job (in which he cannot move up) and makes around $16/hour

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Some practical advice.
Talk to your pastor's wife about him, what does she think of him? Would she be happy if he was her son in law? Ask the pastor and any man you respect the same question.

Now look round your church. Are there any single 30+ men with a career.
What does the pastor and his wife think of them? Ask yourself how could you be a helpmate to them.
Talk to them, join them in what ever Christian service they are doing.

If there is a ,' victim ' who is suitable get the pastor's wife to give him a kick up the backside.
For her to ask him, " I often see you with miss xxx. Is there something between you? "

If you are helping him and regularly sit with him in church he will be aware that gossip has the pair of you going out!


If there is no one in your church try other churches.

It appears I missed two details. Given his age and living circumstances you need to be practical. If you want a family that would be impossible to live on in most places. You’d have to work to make ends meet. You wouldn’t have the option of staying home for a time.

If he was in his mid-twenties I’d understand the lack of direction and necessity for patience. But he’s nearing forty. He should have it together by now. I have a daughter your age. I wouldn’t support this connection.

You can’t carry a man or marry a project. If he isn’t motivated to do more of his own volition it may never happen. Don’t marry with the hope he will or feel guilt for expecting more from someone in his position.

Money is the number one cause for divorce. You can’t grin and bear it until death. You’re content or you’re not. Sometimes things gnaw at us to get our attention. The feeling doesn’t abate until we take action.

What communicates security, responsibility, and leadership to you? That’s the question.

~bella

bèlla said:

You can’t carry a man or marry a project.

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Best wisdom I've read all day.

Jane3322 said:

Hi everyone !

I have been with my Christian boyfriend for about a year now, and he is a great guy to me, very loyal sweet and caring. The only thing that continues to bother me are his current goals/ambitions in comparison to mine. I am 29, I have my career, live on my own, and have goals such as buying a home in the future and working towards being a better practitioner in my field. He is 38 years old, currently has a regular job (in which he cannot move up) and makes around $16/hour. He keeps telling me he is studying for a specific career manager license, but I never see him studying. Everyday I ask him he tells me, I couldn’t study because I was tired, or tomorrow I’ll study, or next week Etc. There is always an excuse to not study. Mind you , when I first met him he told me he was working on getting his career license within the first 3 months that I knew him. One year later and nothing has gotten done. I tell him my concerns, because I worry that I’m going to be with someone who is not ambitious or tries to better himself. It also worries me that I currently live alone, and I have no help. He does not make enough to be able to help me. I don’t want to come off like I want someone with money. That is not the case at all. But it’s concerning to me because it feels like everything in his life is always delayed or never happens. I kind of feel like he is comfortable in his parents home because he doesn’t need to provide rent or anything , whereas in my situation I had to do everything alone and did not receive help from anyone. As a Christian , it is also concerning because as a Christian woman, you submit to your husband. But how could I submit to someone who doesn’t have it together (career wise)? He keeps telling me not to worry and that he will get his license, but how can I not worry if I don’t see anything getting done? I feel bad sometimes because I don’t want to have that “worldly” persona. And I do want to have faith in him. And I have prayed. But sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice ?

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SeventhFisherofMen said:

You have to weigh if you can be with a man in marriage that acts this way, do the pros outweigh the cons. Can you count the pros and feel like he is worth being with despite the cons. If so I say stay, if not I say leave.

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This is important. Everything changes once you marry, because whether you mean to or not, both you and he have expectations and hopes. What you don't like about him will be a burr under your saddle. You will resent his ways, and he will resent your resentment. As a old man, with hard experience, I can tell you, I don't know of any man who likes their wife telling them what is wrong with them, or 'reminding' them what they should do, and I don't know of any woman who enjoys a husband resenting them.

Anyhow, this 38 year old you are interested in needs to grow up. Even now is pretty late in the game for him to wise up.

he's 38 and lives with his parents. Unless he's helping them out financially by doing so or caring for them because of their health, run.

When you have stars in your eyes, it's easy to minimize the kind of differences that you are concerned about.

My first concern is that he didn't keep his word regarding the certification. He told you what you wanted to hear, apparently without any intention to fulfill it. Then he tells you not to worry about it. Red flag #1.

38 years old, lives with his parents and pays no rent? Good grief. Obviously his parents enabled this behavior of disregarding normal responsibility, but still. He's almost 40 and has never supported himself. Huge red flag #2.

You say you ask him every day about studying, and he gives you excuse after excuse. Stay with a guy like that, and your life will be filled with more excuses as to why he just couldn't do what he said what he would do. He's getting you off his back each time. Red flag #3.

My ex was very similar. It was infuriating. He would make promise after promise to shut me up, and then never follow through. I lived with this for 28 years, and I wish I could express to you just how frustrating it was. When you can't count on your husband to keep his word, it falls on you. Are you prepared for that? And then, when you remind him of his promise, you're a nag. I can assure you that if you stay with this person, bitterness will follow. You have goals. He does not. You have ambition. He does not. You want a certain lifestyle. He doesn't care.

I urge you to choose very, very wisely.