Series of Unfortunate Events

First, I found out my previous boyfriend (who was also abusive) was cheating on me, and finally left him after about 6 years of trying to get the relationship to work. Then, my dad committed suicide after he had started the divorce process with my mom, and then my grandfather passed away about 6 months later. My current boyfriend doesn't seem to understand why I am handling everything so hard, as he says he's been through a lot and it never affected him this way. He seemed to think, for a while, that I was using my grief as a means to "remain a victim" and has made a few other assumptions that I found to be rather insulting, but I stuck with "forgive him, Father, for he knows not" and got over it. It makes it difficult to connect with him though. I'm afraid to talk to him. Any time I try to enter a serious conversation with him, it doesn't go well. We get into severe arguments.

I know that I go insane, and part of the problem is that I do feel like I was on the edge of my hinge, and actually went unhinged after my dad committed suicide. My emotions have been "driving my behavior" and my thoughts/actions have been "irrational" as my boyfriend says. Of course, I can't disagree with him that, during some times, I have acted on pure paranoia and abandonment delusion, but it just hurts that he doesn't really want to care or support me. He doesn't seem to like things very well when they get too "real".

I've also tried to open up to him about some of my true feelings about the relationship and that didn't go well, either. He seemed to be in a state of denial. I forgave him, anyways. Despite all this, I still feel like we're on the right track, somehow. I think we're both learning from each other, quickly, really. I understand that, as he's 4 years older than I, doesn't want to deal with crap. It's true, I have baggage, and the relationship started a little soon for my taste, but it was sort of necessary (or, much, much easier, rather, as his house was being foreclosed on and I just inherited a home). Not exactly the "Christian" way of doing a relationship, but I know that, physically, he is weak in the flesh, so I'd rather him have me when he needs me rather than going to other women or being excessively tempted.

He said he wants to marry me and that still hasn't changed after all the fighting. He talks about how excited he is to have kids with me and get married one day, and I hold onto that like it's the most precious, cherished thing I have (it is).

I'm hoping I can figure out how to communicate my pain to him when it comes about in a healthy way instead of assuming he won't care and blowing up. I often get struck with urged to self-harm, and experience a lot of chaotic, dramatic, type of episodes, but am otherwise pretty reasonable (or try to be). I just feel like so many things from my past toll on me, but I believe in my soul, from all the signs I've been experiencing and the choices I've made, that I'm being disconnected from all that to live a better life, as is my boyfriend, disconnecting from prior hurts in his past. I want him to feel like he deserves to feel, like a man who is capable of caring for his woman and family and not make him deal with any unnecessary nonsense. I want him to remain attracted to me for the rest of our lives, since we want to marry.

He's going to be working from home, possibly, now, which (although he's unaware) would actually make me feel safer, because I, unbeknownst to him, have been having severe urges to self-harm and commit suicide, along with other negative feelings being alone in the house. I didn't need him worrying at work, though, and we need the money, and didn't want to sabotage his job, so I didn't say anything. Unfortunately, I've been having a lot of trouble regaining my mental function, and feel like a mangled mess just trying to do anything.

Now I'm just rambling I guess, but if anyone has any comments, advice, etc. feel free to leave them here. Thanks!

Thank you so much for your replies. It means the world to me.
Jeremiah; I really appreciate you sharing your story and experience. My boyfriend identifies his religion/spirituality as being one of individual origin, as he believes in God, and was saved as a Catholic many years ago, but didn't like it, and sought answers on his own. He doesn't, unfortunately, believe that the Bible is, necessarily, God's sovereign word written by God's elect and given to humanity. He doesn't trust that those who wrote the Bible were actually hearing from God and not just trying to serve their own, and their society's best interest to conquer and govern others. I keep praying for him, though and hoping one day the appropriate connections will be made. It does get really difficult because there's a lot he flat out refuses to come to terms with. It makes it hard for me to trust him, because I don't know what kind of "truths" he stands on. He tends to contradict his own statements out of pure misunderstanding, and I'm trying to be patient with him. I know that your wife must love you. And you didn't ramble. I actually get called on doing that a lot; it's okay.
Narrow Way; I do actually believe suicide is a forgivable sin if you ask for forgiveness prior to, and are saved, although, I think it must be accounted for during the soul's judgement, and it is still immensely devastating on all those who must experience it. It is horrendous. I'm certain that if my father would have died of natural causes, I would have much more peace than I do now, even though I believe he considered it to be an "assisted suicide" and was in his late 70's. I can understand, to a point, why, but it still doesn't make it feel any better at all. I am trying to find a lock for the door in my mind, but it does tend to appeal to me as a "last resort" to exit an entrapment or sorts, where I've done everything I can, but can't take it anymore, but my friend did remind me that God always makes a way out for us in situations of the sort. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.