Sometimes I believe he thinks I'm an idiot

And I can't tell him that, of course. Because if I do, I'm "putting words in his mouth," and he "hates it when I do that." True, he has never called me an idiot, or said I was stupid, or anything like that.

But, oy with the mansplaining! (Which, by the way, he thoroughly denies doing.) For the record, I define mansplaining as "a man tells a woman how to do something she already knows how to do, and tunes her out when she informs him that she knows what she's doing."

So with hubby out of town due to his job, I'm taking care of the bill paying. He likes to do it the old-fashioned way, by writing checks and mailing them. When it comes to our HOA dues, that's the way they want it done anyway. There aren't any other payment method alternatives. I wrote the check to "(Name of) HOA" because I didn't have room to write out "(Name of) Homeowner's Association." Then I realized I didn't know where to mail it, so I called hubby to ask the address. That was the only information I needed from him.

He then proceeded to explain to me how to write out the check. When I told him I already had it made out and ready to go, he wasn't satisfied. There is an exact, specific way, he insisted, that the HOA demands the check be made out, or they won't accept it. But he couldn't remember exactly, so he wanted me to go look at the carbons from past checks and see how he had done it before. It HAD to be written out exactly the way he would do it. I told him I was sure that "(Name of) HOA" was perfectly fine, but he just WOULD NOT leave it at that. Well, the checkbook was changed too recently for last month's carbon to still be in it, so I had to go searching. I finally found the carbon for a previous payment, and guess how it was made out. "(Name of) HOA." Exactly as I had done it.

Only then was he satisfied that I knew how to write out a check.

Why couldn't he trust me? Doesn't he think I have a brain in my head?

I do consider anxiety, and it probably is that. But goodness, I had to vent it somewhere, and I can't really discuss it with hubby because he doesn't get it. That's not the only conversation we've had about how I can manage just fine, I've lived alone before, I know how to adult. At first he was even worried about whether or not I would remember to check the mail, take out the trash, and feed the cats. (Believe me, that's one chore the cats won't let anybody forget to do.)

I suppose it's disturbing to me because if there is anything he has in common with my mother, it's that. The total inability to view me as a competent, independent adult. I had to move all the way across the nation to escape her smothering overprotectiveness, and now he's doing it. At least sometimes.

Daughter went with me yesterday as I paid the mortgage. Hubby and I had calculated our income for this pay cycle and determined how much extra to apply toward principal this time. We also save up coins, cash them in periodically, and add that to principal as well. It's helping us pay the mortgage off sooner than we would have otherwise. I made the check out for the amount of mortgage payment, plus the extra we calculated.

As we sat in line waiting for the drive through to open for Saturday hours, daughter and I kind of made jokes with each other about hubby's overprotectiveness. "Gasp, Mom, you mean you actually remembered to come and pay the mortgage?"--"Yes, and look what I did here. I recorded the check in the register after I wrote it!"--"Wow, genius! How did you ever think to do that?"

I suppose the sarcasm does, in hindsight, feel disrespectful. But then, I spoke with hubby by telephone after we were home from that, and I was at the computer looking at our account on the bank website. (He doesn't have access from where he is. When he gets home, I'm going to teach him about the app that he can download on his phone so he can look at the account any time he wants to.) Anyway, while we talked, he himself mentioned his anxiety that any time he's not home, something is going to go wrong. Then he was quick to try to explain he didn't mean that as a reflection on my competence--but it really is, isn't it? If he knew the house and finances were in good hands, why would he be having anxiety?

By the way, I have paid some of these bills online rather than by mailing a check, and he knows it. Sometimes he's even on the phone with me while I'm doing it. Occasionally I make remarks about "joining the 21st century," but I really shouldn't, should I?

This is the first time in our marriage that we have been apart from each other for so long. Also, up until now, taking care of finances has been strictly his department. Before September 2019, he was the only one with an income, so it made sense. He gave me an allowance so I'd have my own spending money. Beyond that I'd simply ask him for anything I needed, and he'd provide it. After I started working too, I provided for my own needs, and he didn't have to give me spending money anymore. But not much changed as far as who paid the bills. He was used to doing it, and he just kept on doing it.

I suppose that gave him the impression I didn't know *how.* Well, there was a time before I knew him that I lived alone and had to do all of those things for myself. Yes, I was on disability then, so I wasn't *earning* the money, but it did come in periodically, and I did allocate it where it needed to go.

Maybe he's having trouble adjusting to the new way of doing things. But I'm discovering our finances are a lot like our food. In our house, we both know how to cook. Either one of us could do it, and the other wouldn't have to worry that it's being done right. But the best meals we eat are the ones we cooked together. I think it's coming out that way with paying the bills too. It works the smoothest when I'm on the phone with him during the process, and we're putting our heads together. That way, he knows it's being done, and I'm demonstrating that I'm capable of doing it.

I'm sure you're right and we have more talking to do. Non-confrontational talking, I mean. You would think I'd understand, because I too have anxiety, but when it's in somebody else, I tend not to see it. That's something I need to work on. We also both have PTSD.

Something that just occurred to me in the middle of that last sentence. His previous marriage, which lasted 15 years because he didn't take lightly the decision to end it. His ex-wife was never his partner in any way. She left him carrying the whole load. They worked for the same company and earned the same income, but she refused to help with expenses. That's what his earnings were for. Hers was her own, to spend on her pleasure. Her philosophy was, it's the husband's obligation to take care of the wife. Neither would she lift a finger around the house because she considered domestic duties beneath her. If hubby didn't do it, or his grandmother hadn't come over now and then to help out, it didn't get done.

That's what he's got to compare me to. Maybe he hasn't convinced his subconscious mind that he's got a *partner* now. Maybe he never will. Maybe he can't.

Red Gold said:

Strange ideas.
And was he helpless to change that?
Or did everybody think this was normal and OK?

Click to expand...

He can't count the times his grandmother had to come over and help with cooking, cleaning, and child care because it was beneath her highness's dignity to do those things. He tried his best to keep that marriage running smoothly, but you can't change another person. I don't know what her side of the family thought of it, but his side of the family didn't like it at all, naturally.

His anxiety seems to have eased up some. He's beginning to realize things aren't going to fall to pieces just because he isn't there to watch over it.

PS: He's also starting to pay some of the bills online, when he's home to do it. I'm teaching HIM a few new things!