I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.
I see melodramatic imagined fear (panic? anxiety? schizophrenia?) and contemplation of suicide vs "certainty of salvation" and unrealised happiness in this life, mostly in light of comparing yourself with "everyone my age who are prospering" and "wasting years of life doing nothing". Hence shame for being "dead weight", I assume to family and community. Plus commitment/performance anxiety, comparing yourself to executed prophets and an imagined cruel God. Paralysis by analysis.
Some points:
1) You're not alone. Everyone feels what you feel, more or less.
2) Your concepts however are upside down and unhealthy, causing your confusion and pain. Unbiblical and illogical. The principle in Scripture is to place God first, not ones emotions or perceptions of self and others. Because our ancestors had fallen we are all sinful, depraved, damaged, out of line with God's will, and our senses/thoughts are thus untrustworthy/unreliable. Our compass is broken, deceitful. Only God, the Holy Spirit, and his word, are true: Living words, the way of life, the water of life, etc.
Jer 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
3) Your "fear of hell" however is correct, it's godly fear, except it's not something to be anxious or panic about (for sure the people around you are stressing you), or imagine foolish things like suicide/accident/"quadriplegia". No. And you are not a prophet. Instead use the fear for good, like escaping a burning house and running to get water: Knowledge of God = Scripture = Christ the word incarnate. This is the road to salvation (in future). Repentance. Clinging to Christ.
- Pro 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.
- 1 Cor 3:18-21 Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. ...
- Jn 14:6 No man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
4) Salvation is the Lords, a "promised" (future event) not a worldly guarantee (no immediate gratification in this life). "May your kingdom come. May your will be done. On earth as it is in heaven."
- Ps 3:8 Salvation belongeth unto the Lord.
- 1 Pet 4:13 But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings.
Heb 11:25-26 Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season; Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt: for he had respect unto the recompence of the reward.
5) Suffering is part of life, sometimes mild, sometimes acute, but it will always be BEARABLE and you will have help.
- Mt 11:28-30 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
- Jn 16:33 In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
Reason to turn that frown upside down
6) Stunted professionally, relationally, spiritually, unable to study, get a "better job", travel, and "seeing everyone my age prosper".
Self-esteem is one thing but 'covetousness' is a breach of the 10th commandment, a sin. People are unique, and what Cain was good at is different to what Abel was good at. The commandment and principle is to "work thy land" and work on what God has given you, in front of you, e.g. what your parents need help with, what your neighbours need help with.
Also focusing covetously on your neighbours' life and property is a kind of idolatry, to love the world more than God, thus also a breach of the first commandment. i.e. materialism, greed, worldliness, and vanity. Not healthy for you, or your neighbour (if you, say, sabotage his life).
Ex 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.
In fact, this is reasonable cause for "fear of hell" because, Js 4:4 Friendship of the world is enmity with God.
7) "I have wasted years of life doing nothing": Laziness/unproductivity is a spiritual issue, a daily choice. Young men tend to be selfish and insecure but in maturity will start considering how to use their skills to help others. Perhaps you're a late late bloomer, that's all. It's good that you're conscious of your problem.
- Pro 13:4 The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat.
- Pro 21:25 The desire of the slothful killeth him; for his hands refuse to labour.
8) Again, most guys are in the same boat. It's called "Doing nothing", or "down time". There's a time for everything, time rest, time for work/war, time for family, time for worship. The difference with unbelievers is that Jews and Gentiles are to be defined by "REST" (not work), something practiced every night for bed, but also every Sabbath, in preparation for an eternal rest in Christ, marking also all the times biblical calendar events take place. Which is another area of sin, in breaching the 4th commandment, "Remembering the Sabbath Day". The divine pattern. -- Also testosterone makes guys tired and lethargic and taxes our lifespan a few years. It lasts until our mid-twenties when it starts dipping = Less tired, more motivated, sharper, more focused, careers often blossom etc. A notable gender difference to our sisters.
Heb 4:9 There remaineth therefore
a rest to the people of God.
Exodus 20:8-11
Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
9) Diligence, motivation, zest of life, joie de vivre, carpe diem, etc, should be directed at God and neighbour.
- Mk 12:30-31 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.
- Ecc 12:13 Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.
Blessings