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I am going insane from fear and despair

Sunshinee777

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I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.

So are you christian? I was just thinking if I can give you advise based on that or keep it to myself.

And if you ever need someone to listen or talk to you can DM me. God bless you.
 
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Eftsoon

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Exercise. I know what despair feels like. It's grim, but exercise really helps on so many levels. Specifically, things like hiking, swimming etc. Gardening can also be really powerful. Reconnecting with nature can really restore a sense of wholeness. Nature declares the glory of God. You can participate in that too. It won't transform you immediately, but it will move you along and shift your mindset. What you are experiencing is totally psychological - the world is exquisitely beautiful. I think you know this, but it helps to be reminded.It's so important to remember that the feelings are an illusion. God is not out to get you. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Add to that, you have a great community here. There are so many loving people to help you pull through.
 
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Tempura

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You need counseling my brother. It's okay, I went quite insane back in the day too. I thought I would have to end it, just to get away from all of it. I'm still here, even if I thought I wouldn't be. God is good, and His heart is bigger than all our fears. You'll get stronger one day, and you will learn how to deal with fear, and you will learn how not to obey it at every turn.

Seek help. It's good to have a time and place dedicated to systemically analyze your thought processes, where your fears come from, and how you feed them yourself. We tend to have destructive patterns and see things in a half-blind tunnel-vision.

Do not give up. Pray hopeful prayers, allow yourself to be just a human and God to be God, and Christ your redeemer. You are safe in Christ. Stay alive.
 
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zoidar

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@zoidar

What kind of new perspective do we get? What kind of aim of life? The world is helplessly sinful, we live in a world stained by tears and blood, full of pain, where people betray and hurt each other on a daily basis. What kind of meaning and purpose do Christians derive from existing here if their real aim is to be in heaven anyway? It is not hard to believe Jesus can fix your life if it is broken. The question, will He? Stephen was stoned. Paul was beheaded. Peter was crucified. They didn't have happy endings.

When I got born again my whole life changed. I had such a love for Jesus, peace within, living for him, telling people about him and I got meaning. It was the end of all seeking for purpose. My life, my heart was new. Sure still all the awful things happend in the world, but I knew it was because people don't know Christ and my purpose was to be a light for the world, love them like Jesus loved them. I longed for going to church, worship, read the Bible and pray.

I knew Jesus had won victory over all evil in the world. Even when bad things happened, I would be sad about it, but it would never pull me away from the love of Christ and meaning in my heart. I know Jesus can give everyone the same love, the same purpose, the same peace, since that is what I was given.

I wish that I could end the story here. But I was disobedient, made a few bad choices, and that mudded up my heart. So my joy, love is not today as big as it has been. Also new problems have crept up, like struggles with mental illness. Still I have meaning in my life by knowing Christ, but I also know God has more to give us. He wants us all to "fall in love" with him. When this love is within, no matter the problems of the world, it can not drench our meaning of knowing Christ. It's not an intellectual change, but a change in spirit.

Sure most of the apostles were murdered, but even in terrible circumstances they had the purpose for suffering for Jesus. The apostles would even find joy in being wipped for his name's sake. That is how much love we can have for Jesus, and so much does the love of knowing Jesus change our perspective of things.

They took his advice; and after calling the apostles in, they flogged them and ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and then released them. So they went on their way from the presence of the Council, rejoicing that they had been considered worthy to suffer shame for His name.
— Acts 5:40-41
 
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busrider

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I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.

I can only pray and offer this Do You Suffer From Depression? St. Ignatius of Loyola Has Been There Too
 
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Psalm 27

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I agree. In the end nothing really satisfies. I don't love this life at all. I truly detest it. So why can't I suicide and every branch of Christianity condemns suicide as one of the most wicked acts?
Thinking of you this morning...there’s lots of good advice on here from people who have been through it, never met you, but do actually care about you...keep coming back plsletmevanish.

just another practical idea; a nutritionist/personal trainer told me that sugar and carbs really mess with our mental state. She discovered this when she hit rock bottom. I wish that you could see her now, she looks like an athlete.

When we’re in despair, we turn to sugar/fast food crap, but don’t realise how much our diet affects us. I recently changed back to carb free, and felt better the very next day.
 
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Vap841

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I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.
Most of the time when a person successfully goes from depression to being happy it has nothing to do with landing the new job and such things, it involves self introspection and then they realize that life is what you make it. Dale Carnegie famously pointed out that he would see just as many smiles among the poor as he would see among the super rich.

“It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.”

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

“Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.”

Dale Carnegie
 
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Neostarwcc

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@zoidar @CaitM @Neostarwcc

I thank you immensely for your attention.

I understand your points and I sense you all seem to agree on one thing: Jesus' love. You seem to be so satisfied in just knowing Jesus loves you that you don't seem to fear whatever may come during life.

I want to be extremely honest and just admit to you, this is uncomprehensible to me. I was raised a Christian and I don't doubt the message of the gospel one teensy bit but I simply can't grasp it from how mystical it feels. How can just knowing someone loves you will practically help when you are in grief, in poverty, in despair, in doubt, in fear?

@zoidar

What kind of new perspective do we get? What kind of aim of life? The world is helplessly sinful, we live in a world stained by tears and blood, full of pain, where people betray and hurt each other on a daily basis. What kind of meaning and purpose do Christians derive from existing here if their real aim is to be in heaven anyway? It is not hard to believe Jesus can fix your life if it is broken. The question, will He? Stephen was stoned. Paul was beheaded. Peter was crucified. They didn't have happy endings.

@Neostarwcc

How do you get joy from living daily without knowing when you will be able to go to heaven, where your ultimate joy lies? What do you do on a daily basis? What drives you to spend the hours and pass the time?

@CaitM

I believe my fears come from being born under conditions of so much instability and just seeing how helpless and unchangeable certain realities are and how so many wishes and dreams had to be buried by now. I can't explain how, I just see how so many things just happened without me even asking and thus I am afraid God will do something hurtful and contrary to every one of my expectations for as long as I live. I can't guarantee that life will be a sweet journey until I die. God can bring totally unexpected things and events to happen that utterly change my plans for life.

I understand that life is a struggle for everyone Christian and that the real reward comes to those to are patient and endure but my real problem is, I don't know what to do while I am alive!!!

I genuinely want to die. I mean, nothing compels me to stay. I stopped seeing meaning in everything and everyone.

What am I supposed to do during my days under the sun? That's the problem, I don't know.

Should I pursue the dreams that most people have? Should I study? Find a new job? Try to save money? Or should I stay in a room laying for 24 hours and drugging myself to sleep just waiting for the day when I will be in heaven?

I don't know how to spend my days doing what. I am always afraid I will be subject to pain because God might come and bring the unexpected to my life. I study and fail the test. I get a new degree but by then it doesn't guarantee good jobs. I travel and suffer an accident that maims me for life. Who can tell what will happen tomorrow? Will I always have deliverance? Will I have the strength to continue to live if my worst fears happen? We don't have the whole blueprint in front of us.

That's why I want to die. It is safer. It will spare me of possibly horrible years ahead, of loneliness, despair, poverty, illness, abandonment, or who knows what.

I know I am bordering on psychosis but I have legit fears.

In sum, I know we have to live and can't suicide as a quick way to heaven, but I don't how to live because I have nothing to live for, and while I remain alive, bad things will keep happening.

It's simple, I know I will end up in heaven because I have faith and had a genuine conversion in my late 20s that had nothing to do with me,, it was all God. I've seen my life totally turn around and see the Holy Spirits work in my life. I have seen myself as an atheist and I was for a very, very long time. I was a scam artist, a thief, and a few other things.

I suggest you listen to this song, it should make you feel a little better.

 
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philadelphos

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I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.

I see melodramatic imagined fear (panic? anxiety? schizophrenia?) and contemplation of suicide vs "certainty of salvation" and unrealised happiness in this life, mostly in light of comparing yourself with "everyone my age who are prospering" and "wasting years of life doing nothing". Hence shame for being "dead weight", I assume to family and community. Plus commitment/performance anxiety, comparing yourself to executed prophets and an imagined cruel God. Paralysis by analysis.

Some points:

1) You're not alone. Everyone feels what you feel, more or less.

2) Your concepts however are upside down and unhealthy, causing your confusion and pain. Unbiblical and illogical. The principle in Scripture is to place God first, not ones emotions or perceptions of self and others. Because our ancestors had fallen we are all sinful, depraved, damaged, out of line with God's will, and our senses/thoughts are thus untrustworthy/unreliable. Our compass is broken, deceitful. Only God, the Holy Spirit, and his word, are true: Living words, the way of life, the water of life, etc.

Jer 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

3) Your "fear of hell" however is correct, it's godly fear, except it's not something to be anxious or panic about (for sure the people around you are stressing you), or imagine foolish things like suicide/accident/"quadriplegia". No. And you are not a prophet. Instead use the fear for good, like escaping a burning house and running to get water: Knowledge of God = Scripture = Christ the word incarnate. This is the road to salvation (in future). Repentance. Clinging to Christ.
  • Pro 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.
  • 1 Cor 3:18-21 Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. ...
  • Jn 14:6 No man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
4) Salvation is the Lords, a "promised" (future event) not a worldly guarantee (no immediate gratification in this life). "May your kingdom come. May your will be done. On earth as it is in heaven."
  • Ps 3:8 Salvation belongeth unto the Lord.
  • 1 Pet 4:13 But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings.
Heb 11:25-26 Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season; Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt: for he had respect unto the recompence of the reward.

5) Suffering is part of life, sometimes mild, sometimes acute, but it will always be BEARABLE and you will have help.
  • Mt 11:28-30 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
  • Jn 16:33 In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
Reason to turn that frown upside down :)

6) Stunted professionally, relationally, spiritually, unable to study, get a "better job", travel, and "seeing everyone my age prosper".

Self-esteem is one thing but 'covetousness' is a breach of the 10th commandment, a sin. People are unique, and what Cain was good at is different to what Abel was good at. The commandment and principle is to "work thy land" and work on what God has given you, in front of you, e.g. what your parents need help with, what your neighbours need help with.

Also focusing covetously on your neighbours' life and property is a kind of idolatry, to love the world more than God, thus also a breach of the first commandment. i.e. materialism, greed, worldliness, and vanity. Not healthy for you, or your neighbour (if you, say, sabotage his life).

Ex 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

In fact, this is reasonable cause for "fear of hell" because, Js 4:4 Friendship of the world is enmity with God.

7) "I have wasted years of life doing nothing": Laziness/unproductivity is a spiritual issue, a daily choice. Young men tend to be selfish and insecure but in maturity will start considering how to use their skills to help others. Perhaps you're a late late bloomer, that's all. It's good that you're conscious of your problem.
  • Pro 13:4 The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat.
  • Pro 21:25 The desire of the slothful killeth him; for his hands refuse to labour.
8) Again, most guys are in the same boat. It's called "Doing nothing", or "down time". There's a time for everything, time rest, time for work/war, time for family, time for worship. The difference with unbelievers is that Jews and Gentiles are to be defined by "REST" (not work), something practiced every night for bed, but also every Sabbath, in preparation for an eternal rest in Christ, marking also all the times biblical calendar events take place. Which is another area of sin, in breaching the 4th commandment, "Remembering the Sabbath Day". The divine pattern. -- Also testosterone makes guys tired and lethargic and taxes our lifespan a few years. It lasts until our mid-twenties when it starts dipping = Less tired, more motivated, sharper, more focused, careers often blossom etc. A notable gender difference to our sisters.

Heb 4:9 There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God.

Exodus 20:8-11 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

9) Diligence, motivation, zest of life, joie de vivre, carpe diem, etc, should be directed at God and neighbour.
  • Mk 12:30-31 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.
  • Ecc 12:13 Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.
Blessings :)
 
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1watchman

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I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.

Friend, you seem to be in great anguish over your life; and that often happens when one is having mental problems and little good going for them in their life. You have received much good counsel here, and I will only add a few ESSENTIAL things.
1) Either you have some kind of organic mental malfunction, which would require medication for relief, or some functional disorder by severe life experiences from past years (e.g. PTSD; etc. Both conditions should need counsel by professionals.
2) Seekers after God are OFTEN attacked by Satan --the "bequiler" God speaks of, who always works on our minds to trouble us and keep us away from having God in our lives (though cannot touch us physically) as the Bible shows.
3) To overcome ANY kind of mental worries, one NEEDS the Lord Jesus in our mind and heart; as well as the ONLY way to Heaven when we leave this world (read John 3; John 14; etc). With our full trust in Lord Jesus, we can rebuke Satan and call upon the Lord for peace.
So, I strongly suggest you RECEIVE the Lord Jesus into your mind and heart by private prayer, and BE walking and talking with Him daily. Such a seeker will fine the "peace that passeth all understanding" as God states. Let me suggest you begin Bible reading as stated above, and be reading ALL the four Gospels of the Bible, and all the Epistles of the New Testament. Therein you will find peace! One who possesses the Lord Jesus in their heart will be sealed by the Holy Spirit of God and thus saved forever with God's care in this present life --and all the way home to Heaven. You need peace of mind, and our God is waiting to give it to you by His Son, dear friend.

I speak both as a psychologist and "born again" believer (John 3:16). I will pray for you friend! Write me privately on Conversation File if you wish.
 
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plsletmevanish

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@Sunshinee777

Yes, I am a Christian. Sorry it took so long for me to be back. I would really like to know what advice you had for me.

@philadelphos

Very good reading of my conditions. I admit I have some mental conditions that resemble schizophrenia, but from what material I could find, I am not exactly way down the scale. Fear, hopelessless, numbness and paralysis are indeed things I face on a daily basis though.

@CaitM

Thank you so much for your concern. I have been doing a bit better, at least in relation to how I was a few weeks ago. I think God heard all the prayers made on my behalf by you guys and I thank you all. I don't say I am a wholy changed person, but it feels like my obsession of failing in the future totally vanished. It didn't make sense why I should fear God would not bless whatever I could plan to do professionally while He might as well let me suffer an accident tomorrow during a drive. There are endless things to be afraid of and yet none of them ever cross my mind, except that obsession of future failure. So I think it was definitely something pathological in my mind, and God seems to have healed me.

@1watchman

Thanks a lot for your words. I am quite sure I have some serious depression going on, partly due to some chemical imbalances but mostly due to a series of losses, tragic episodes, disappointments, despair, "trauma", if you will. Many bad things happened, some of which are typical of what you would expect of troubled families, and I think the way I am today is how my mind and soul decided to react in self-defense and while trying to make sense of it all.

It is kind of hard to describe the way I feel. As I just mentioned above, I am feeling a bit better, thanks to God and your prayers, but I still see the world in a truly hopeless way.

I don't want my words to come across as from someone extremely gloomy and wishing to be cured. This is just the way I naturally see the world. I often feel like nothing really matters. I don't feel attached to anything. Family, friends, hobbies, passions, nothing. I have a light grip of everything and I sincerely think it would not be bad at all if God decided to take my life tomorrow.

I feel like a deep hopelessness and emptiness have taken roots in me. I admit there are beautiful things in this life but I look around and I start seeing just how all the good on earth will never pay off, at least for me, all the bad and evil we have. Having the skies, the ocean and many colorful fruits doesn't pay off all the misery we have. There is no ultimate fix nor cure until Jesus comes back to all the violence, poverty, ugliness, selfishness, injustice, competition, struggle and moral filth that we face and I behold just how life will inherently and inevitably have all those good and bad elements, and that often we will be performing both good and evil in a way that makes each one of us both extremely dependent but also hateful of each other. The same guy who does charity to orphans will be cheating on his wife. David was a man of many virtues and helped many individuals, but he also committed horrible sins. Everyone of us has such God-like but also delivish attributes within and that makes us like a bunch of porcupines who often spend the whole of life trying to find a balance between not being too distant from each other so we will die of painful cold, nor being too close, so that while we can thus warm up and live, we will be uncomfortably prickling one another.

I really wish I could die. Ecclesiastes says everything is meaningless, and Ecclesiastes 4:3 even says those who never existed are better than both the living and the dead, because they never saw the evil done under the sun.

I am typing this right now not as someone having a depressive episode but as someone who had a relatively good day, not gonna lie, and strange as it sounds, I want to die. Not suicide, no. Just die. Depart.

Everything feels utterly hopeless, meaningless and not even the idea of living to help others in need motivates me much because, no, I don't like humanity, everyone of us sucks in their own manners, and even those few humans I love, I also hate in some ways. For 90% of cases it is not my fault that people are being born or having whatever kind of problem they have, it was someone else's fault that kids, for example, are suffering in some part of the world, and then we return to how unfair this world is, because punishment to those who mistreat children is often delayed in this life. Worse of all, even those who we deem to be most worthy of help, like children, will one day grow up to become sinful adults, doing whatever evil they can to their fellow humans. Life is just one damned cycle of existence where tragic expetiences keep repeating themselves.

I don't know if I am getting my point across but I really hate this world for the way it inherently is, containing both darkness and light, evil and good intertwined in inseparable ways, and I don't want to be here until old age (this is story for some other time), but God willing, depart as soon as possible.

I don't have any big plans. I don't want to have kids. I am too old to do a lot of things. My parents have my siblings and other family to take care of them in case I die. There is the pending uncertainty of how the very next day will bring. Crisis? Wars? Accidents? Who knows? I can't find anything that chains me to the will of existing.

Really, I have no idea why I am still here.

And no, I don't even think I have some mission to accomplish because we all are replaceable. Whatever I "was born to do", and I don't know what it is, someone else can do.

For if you remain silent at this time, liberation and rescue will arise for the Jews from another place, and you and your father’s house will perish [since you did not help when you had the chance]. And who knows whether you have attained royalty for such a time as this [and for this very purpose]?”
Esther 4:14 AMP

But I am going to ask everyone reading to keep praying for me nonetheless. I need some answers from God and definitely need His help concerning some causes.
 
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look4hope

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I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.

You either force yourself to keep an open mind with trying all things to get out of this fear that you feel is driving you nuts...or sit and wait painfully until your physical departure here on earth, comes.
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I really am as much as the rest of posters..but you have two choices. Nothing in between.
 
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Psalm 27

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@Sunshinee777

Yes, I am a Christian. Sorry it took so long for me to be back. I would really like to know what advice you had for me.

@philadelphos

Very good reading of my conditions. I admit I have some mental conditions that resemble schizophrenia, but from what material I could find, I am not exactly way down the scale. Fear, hopelessless, numbness and paralysis are indeed things I face on a daily basis though.

@CaitM

Thank you so much for your concern. I have been doing a bit better, at least in relation to how I was a few weeks ago. I think God heard all the prayers made on my behalf by you guys and I thank you all. I don't say I am a wholy changed person, but it feels like my obsession of failing in the future totally vanished. It didn't make sense why I should fear God would not bless whatever I could plan to do professionally while He might as well let me suffer an accident tomorrow during a drive. There are endless things to be afraid of and yet none of them ever cross my mind, except that obsession of future failure. So I think it was definitely something pathological in my mind, and God seems to have healed me.

@1watchman

Thanks a lot for your words. I am quite sure I have some serious depression going on, partly due to some chemical imbalances but mostly due to a series of losses, tragic episodes, disappointments, despair, "trauma", if you will. Many bad things happened, some of which are typical of what you would expect of troubled families, and I think the way I am today is how my mind and soul decided to react in self-defense and while trying to make sense of it all.

It is kind of hard to describe the way I feel. As I just mentioned above, I am feeling a bit better, thanks to God and your prayers, but I still see the world in a truly hopeless way.

I don't want my words to come across as from someone extremely gloomy and wishing to be cured. This is just the way I naturally see the world. I often feel like nothing really matters. I don't feel attached to anything. Family, friends, hobbies, passions, nothing. I have a light grip of everything and I sincerely think it would not be bad at all if God decided to take my life tomorrow.

I feel like a deep hopelessness and emptiness have taken roots in me. I admit there are beautiful things in this life but I look around and I start seeing just how all the good on earth will never pay off, at least for me, all the bad and evil we have. Having the skies, the ocean and many colorful fruits doesn't pay off all the misery we have. There is no ultimate fix nor cure until Jesus comes back to all the violence, poverty, ugliness, selfishness, injustice, competition, struggle and moral filth that we face and I behold just how life will inherently and inevitably have all those good and bad elements, and that often we will be performing both good and evil in a way that makes each one of us both extremely dependent but also hateful of each other. The same guy who does charity to orphans will be cheating on his wife. David was a man of many virtues and helped many individuals, but he also committed horrible sins. Everyone of us has such God-like but also delivish attributes within and that makes us like a bunch of porcupines who often spend the whole of life trying to find a balance between not being too distant from each other so we will die of painful cold, nor being too close, so that while we can thus warm up and live, we will be uncomfortably prickling one another.

I really wish I could die. Ecclesiastes says everything is meaningless, and Ecclesiastes 4:3 even says those who never existed are better than both the living and the dead, because they never saw the evil done under the sun.

I am typing this right now not as someone having a depressive episode but as someone who had a relatively good day, not gonna lie, and strange as it sounds, I want to die. Not suicide, no. Just die. Depart.

Everything feels utterly hopeless, meaningless and not even the idea of living to help others in need motivates me much because, no, I don't like humanity, everyone of us sucks in their own manners, and even those few humans I love, I also hate in some ways. For 90% of cases it is not my fault that people are being born or having whatever kind of problem they have, it was someone else's fault that kids, for example, are suffering in some part of the world, and then we return to how unfair this world is, because punishment to those who mistreat children is often delayed in this life. Worse of all, even those who we deem to be most worthy of help, like children, will one day grow up to become sinful adults, doing whatever evil they can to their fellow humans. Life is just one damned cycle of existence where tragic expetiences keep repeating themselves.

I don't know if I am getting my point across but I really hate this world for the way it inherently is, containing both darkness and light, evil and good intertwined in inseparable ways, and I don't want to be here until old age (this is story for some other time), but God willing, depart as soon as possible.

I don't have any big plans. I don't want to have kids. I am too old to do a lot of things. My parents have my siblings and other family to take care of them in case I die. There is the pending uncertainty of how the very next day will bring. Crisis? Wars? Accidents? Who knows? I can't find anything that chains me to the will of existing.

Really, I have no idea why I am still here.

And no, I don't even think I have some mission to accomplish because we all are replaceable. Whatever I "was born to do", and I don't know what it is, someone else can do.

For if you remain silent at this time, liberation and rescue will arise for the Jews from another place, and you and your father’s house will perish [since you did not help when you had the chance]. And who knows whether you have attained royalty for such a time as this [and for this very purpose]?”
Esther 4:14 AMP

But I am going to ask everyone reading to keep praying for me nonetheless. I need some answers from God and definitely need His help concerning some causes.
You aren’t alone
 
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1watchman

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I am glad to hear you are feeling some better, Vanishing. We all often think of vanishing from this wicked world --Satan's domain (often called the god of this present scene, though as the TEMPTER, as the fallen and rebellious Angel from the beginning and deceiver even to Adam and Eve (Genesis 2&3).

Over the years we have known some good times on earth, yet Satan is ever present to draw us away from our Creator-God (don't allow that)! He is allowed of God to TEST man and thus move man to wake up and come to the Savior.

The real Christians have an eternity in Heaven with our Saviour: the Lord Jesus (if we know and trust Him in our walk here). Meditate on John 14 and ALL the New Testament hope for faithful saints. We who know you, are praying for your good. Keep looking up!
 
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Bobber

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I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future.

I think you need most of all to do a restudy of the character and nature of God. Apparently you have an inward vision and thought that God isn't and doesn't want to be a loving, gracious Savior to you. HE DOES. He loves you.

Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.

I was in that position at one time in my life. As a young teenager I was this way. I'm now 65. I wanted to die wanted to give up as a teenager and even took some pills. Wasn't a Christian and couldn't shake my despair. Wanted to die. A thought came to me though....what did I believe death would bring. I thought darkness, blackness or just a blank non-existence. Then I reasoned....look if I live a long life that's what I'll be....If I live a short one the same.....so why don't I just stay around I mean who knows....maybe good things will eventually start to occur. WELL IT DID!

I received Jesus at 17 and yes...still had some struggles but as I came to learn how to live in victory with what Jesus did for me on the cross and ressuruection.....in time I came out of those type of struggles. Yes still have problems but feel I'm spiritually equipped with God's help who DOES LOVE US, to deal with them. And God loves you too! He wants to be your solution...not your problem. I do know one thing though. Each one has to make a decision to flip the switch choosing to embrace positive and hopeful ways of thinking. I highly encourage you to go that way.
 
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