I am going insane from fear and despair

plsletmevanish · Jul 31, 2021

I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.

Yeshua John 3:16 · Jul 31, 2021

For me, the same thing, he will not commit suicide, because he will go to hell, that's why I keep suffering. I pray I fight sin, but there is no place for me on this earth, there is nothing cool here, only sin and all corruption. Just be ready, repent and pray to the Savior Jesus Christ, the tribulation is about to begin, it will be a very difficult time for God's people, a time when many will die for Jesus. You are not alone Brother, I have the same life too, I love you, Jesus loves you too, don't hurt yourself, you can do it.

zoidar · Jul 31, 2021

plsletmevanish said:
I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.

It's easy to get down thinking about misery and failure. I think these thoughts come from our inner state of being, rather than the facts of life. If we are unwell inside, the world seems meaningless and hopeless. I don't have a quick fix to your struggles, but as Jesus becomes real in our heart, we have a new perspective of the world, a new purpose and meaning. Some of your struggles I have partly seen in myself. What I do is trust in the mercy of Christ, and try not to focus on my own effort. There is also a decision to make. Are we to find our meaning in the world through money, job, marriage, career or do we want our purpose for living to come from Christ. So I set my heart on Christ, my hope in him, no matter how miserable my life might be in this moment. It's only he who can fix it anyway. I hope that is somewhat helpful to you.

Christ love!

Neostarwcc · Jul 31, 2021

I know how you feel. I was born with schizophrenia and have been depressed since i was around seven.

Nothing happens outside of God's will. This should bring you comfort because God tests us each and everyday to see if our faith is genuine. If you have faith that is. If you dont that never means you necer will and i think you will since you fear hell and God. A person who will never have faith genuinely doesnt care about or fear those things

Again if you have faith dont be concerned. What awaits us is an eternity of bliss for a very short period of suffering and pain.

This is coming from someone who's had nothing but misery since he was still a child. Like i said im schizophrenic, became bipolar when i was in my 20s and was physically abused by my dad for over 20 years. I have faith because i like you fear God. Im filled with joy because of what awaits me, not my daily suffering. Christ suffered too.

CaitM · Jul 31, 2021

Hello there,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Thank you for reaching out. You're not alone... I'm in a similar place.

I struggle with similar fears about the future and have experienced my life fall apart several times. I too feel disconnected and numb and live in insecurity and fear and feel like I'm going crazy sometimes.

I don't know that I have much to say that will help, but I do wonder, do you know that Jesus loves you?

I have been doing this workshop which helps people encounter Jesus' love... I wonder if it might help? 1 John 4:18 says that there is no fear in love, perfect love casts out all fear. Live in Your Destiny

It is true that life includes suffering, for everyone, and especially if we follow Jesus we will experience suffering. But I wonder, if we truly know His love by experience deep in our hearts, how much of our fear might dissipate and how much courage we might have when those times come? Love can make us brave. And also, I know from my own sufferings, that there is a deeper knowing of Jesus that we can only experience in hard times. Can you trust that His heart and plan for you is good?

Where do you think the fear is coming from? Sometimes there are lies we're believing rooted in experiences in our past that can trigger fear and keep us from God and keep us from moving forward in life with Him. Believe me, I know. Might be something to think about.

I don't know if this will help, but please know that God is for you not against you. He wants you to come to Him. Please, please don't give up hope!

Kindest regards,

plsletmevanish · Jul 31, 2021

@zoidar @CaitM @Neostarwcc

I thank you immensely for your attention.

I understand your points and I sense you all seem to agree on one thing: Jesus' love. You seem to be so satisfied in just knowing Jesus loves you that you don't seem to fear whatever may come during life.

I want to be extremely honest and just admit to you, this is uncomprehensible to me. I was raised a Christian and I don't doubt the message of the gospel one teensy bit but I simply can't grasp it from how mystical it feels. How can just knowing someone loves you will practically help when you are in grief, in poverty, in despair, in doubt, in fear?

@zoidar

What kind of new perspective do we get? What kind of aim of life? The world is helplessly sinful, we live in a world stained by tears and blood, full of pain, where people betray and hurt each other on a daily basis. What kind of meaning and purpose do Christians derive from existing here if their real aim is to be in heaven anyway? It is not hard to believe Jesus can fix your life if it is broken. The question, will He? Stephen was stoned. Paul was beheaded. Peter was crucified. They didn't have happy endings.

@Neostarwcc

How do you get joy from living daily without knowing when you will be able to go to heaven, where your ultimate joy lies? What do you do on a daily basis? What drives you to spend the hours and pass the time?

@CaitM

I believe my fears come from being born under conditions of so much instability and just seeing how helpless and unchangeable certain realities are and how so many wishes and dreams had to be buried by now. I can't explain how, I just see how so many things just happened without me even asking and thus I am afraid God will do something hurtful and contrary to every one of my expectations for as long as I live. I can't guarantee that life will be a sweet journey until I die. God can bring totally unexpected things and events to happen that utterly change my plans for life.

I understand that life is a struggle for everyone Christian and that the real reward comes to those to are patient and endure but my real problem is, I don't know what to do while I am alive!!!

I genuinely want to die. I mean, nothing compels me to stay. I stopped seeing meaning in everything and everyone.

What am I supposed to do during my days under the sun? That's the problem, I don't know.

Should I pursue the dreams that most people have? Should I study? Find a new job? Try to save money? Or should I stay in a room laying for 24 hours and drugging myself to sleep just waiting for the day when I will be in heaven?

I don't know how to spend my days doing what. I am always afraid I will be subject to pain because God might come and bring the unexpected to my life. I study and fail the test. I get a new degree but by then it doesn't guarantee good jobs. I travel and suffer an accident that maims me for life. Who can tell what will happen tomorrow? Will I always have deliverance? Will I have the strength to continue to live if my worst fears happen? We don't have the whole blueprint in front of us.

That's why I want to die. It is safer. It will spare me of possibly horrible years ahead, of loneliness, despair, poverty, illness, abandonment, or who knows what.

I know I am bordering on psychosis but I have legit fears.

In sum, I know we have to live and can't suicide as a quick way to heaven, but I don't how to live because I have nothing to live for, and while I remain alive, bad things will keep happening.

Brian Mcnamee · Jul 31, 2021

plsletmevanish said:
I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.

I am not a psychologist so perhaps there is something else I am missing but Jesus notes that when you come to him fountains of living water will flow out of your innermost being and he noted your greatest needs for being loved, purpose and security are all met when you come to him. Now faith is a huge force but faith without works is dead. I have a testimony and heard many others who have sowed sin and corruption and then reaped a horrible present reality and this is when they came to Jesus. He does indeed keep that promised of living water. He is with you in despair say you have lost your spouse, got fired, pushed away your friends and you have nothing that is where Jesus is still looking for you. Now when you come to him you will have to use His strength to overcome those things that are weighing you down. You can start volunteering and look for a job and keep putting on the mind of Christ. You see Jesus uses Greek and all those verbs in Greek have a meaning to them that is not clear in English. So when you cast your cares on Jesus we tend to think I did that and it did not work. Well in the Greek is means to keep casting continually and non stop at all times and never stop casting them upon Him. This is how you overcome. You know that it is not God's will for you to be like this and Jesus came to save the lost. i can't help you but know that if you go to Christ and walk in faith which means you got to make moves that are difficult but positive you can overcome this as many before you have.

Maria Billingsley · Jul 31, 2021

plsletmevanish said:
that I hoard feelings of fear about God

Love conquers fear and God is love. Go back to your first love, Jesus Christ of Nazareth. My prayer is with you. :crossrc:

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

plsletmevanish · Jul 31, 2021

@Brian Mcnamee

Thanks for your concern.

Let me explain.

There ARE things I strangely crave to do despite being someone obviously very mentally troubled. I do dream of having more money to do nice things, like affording comfortable clothes and stuff, eating something different, traveling and possibly meeting new people.

But there is a record in my life of things happening and that no matter how I tried to pray them away, they are still there. Things that personally affect me and that make me feel deeply sad.

Someone will tell me: if you want something, fight for it. But I am a always afraid based on the story of my life thus far that God will again bring something painful to try my patience, and again make me cry, lose nights of sleep, etc. I asked that certain wishes would go away and they didn't. I prayed that better things would happen and they didn't.

I want to do many things, but I don't know to what point they are within God's will and that God undo everything I build because by means I can't comprehend, God also gets glory through people suffering, like so many martyrs can prove.

I don't have the character and faith of a martyr but I am afraid of what the years ahead will bring. Sickness? Financial difficulties? The loss of a loved one?

That's why I often pray to just die and vanish because it would be a lot simpler. I wish I could also just dissolve into inexistence because even the thought of spending eternity with someone who created me in such a world under my particular circumstances and who I deeply resent sounds very frightening for me.

That's a bit of how I feel.

CaitM · Jul 31, 2021

plsletmevanish said:
@zoidar @CaitM @Neostarwcc

I thank you immensely for your attention.

I understand your points and I sense you all seem to agree on one thing: Jesus' love. You seem to be so satisfied in just knowing Jesus loves you that you don't seem to fear whatever may come during life.

I want to be extremely honest and just admit to you, this is uncomprehensible to me. I was raised a Christian and I don't doubt the message of the gospel one teensy bit but I simply can't grasp it from how mystical it feels. How can just knowing someone loves you will practically help when you are in grief, in poverty, in despair, in doubt, in fear?

@zoidar

What kind of new perspective do we get? What kind of aim of life? The world is helplessly sinful, we live in a world stained by tears and blood, full of pain, where people betray and hurt each other on a daily basis. What kind of meaning and purpose do Christians derive from existing here if their real aim is to be in heaven anyway? It is not hard to believe Jesus can fix your life if it is broken. The question, will He? Stephen was stoned. Paul was beheaded. Peter was crucified. They didn't have happy endings.

@Neostarwcc

How do you get joy from living daily without knowing when you will be able to go to heaven, where your ultimate joy lies? What do you do on a daily basis? What drives you to spend the hours and pass the time?

@CaitM

I believe my fears come from being born under conditions of so much instability and just seeing how helpless and unchangeable certain realities are and how so many wishes and dreams had to be buried by now. I can't explain how, I just see how so many things just happened without me even asking and thus I am afraid God will do something hurtful and contrary to every one of my expectations for as long as I live. I can't guarantee that life will be a sweet journey until I die. God can bring totally unexpected things and events to happen that utterly change my plans for life.

I understand that life is a struggle for everyone Christian and that the real reward comes to those to are patient and endure but my real problem is, I don't know what to do while I am alive!!!

I genuinely want to die. I mean, nothing compels me to stay. I stopped seeing meaning in everything and everyone.

What am I supposed to do during my days under the sun? That's the problem, I don't know.

Should I pursue the dreams that most people have? Should I study? Find a new job? Try to save money? Or should I stay in a room laying for 24 hours and drugging myself to sleep just waiting for the day when I will be in heaven?

I don't know how to spend my days doing what. I am always afraid I will be subject to pain because God might come and bring the unexpected to my life. I study and fail the test. I get a new degree but by then it doesn't guarantee good jobs. I travel and suffer an accident that maims me for life. Who can tell what will happen tomorrow? Will I always have deliverance? Will I have the strength to continue to live if my worst fears happen? We don't have the whole blueprint in front of us.

That's why I want to die. It is safer. It will spare me of possibly horrible years ahead, of loneliness, despair, poverty, illness, abandonment, or who knows what.

I know I am bordering on psychosis but I have legit fears.

In sum, I know we have to live and can't suicide as a quick way to heaven, but I don't how to live because I have nothing to live for.

Yes, your fears are legit and though I have suffered myself and connect with much of what you're sharing I can't begin to understand the depth of pain and brokenness you have experienced and are feeling right now. It is a hundred percent real and you are not alone!

I know, Jesus' love can sound mystical and honestly I struggle to grasp it and still struggle with fear. I don't know what the answers are... but I do know that focusing on God's nature and character and seeking His presence and asking myself how can I know Him more here? has helped me. But perhaps even that might feel mystical to you also. And I know when battling fear of God (or fear in general) it can be difficult to seek Him and draw near to Him. Do you have any Christians friends or Christians from a good church who can be there for you and show you God's love in a tangible way? Sometimes when we're hurting we need to experience "Jesus with skin on" so to speak. What were your experiences of love as a kid?

You speak of God doing something hurtful and God bringing unexpected hard things into your life. I wonder if you believe God is the cause of suffering? May I gently challenge that belief? Personally, I believe the majority of suffering comes because we live in a broken, fallen, sin-cursed world where broken things happen. Also it can come from the sin of others or our own sin, or from attacks from the Enemy. I believe that God allows suffering but He doesn't cause it, and even when He allows it He redeems it and uses it for good. When I read the gospels I don't see a Jesus who is causing suffering, I see a Jesus who came to undo suffering and begin the process of restoring all things and making them new. We're in the now-but-not-yet of God's redemption story. Also, we have a Saviour who knows what it is to suffer. I mean, Jesus has nail scars in His hands and feet to prove it. He understands what we go through.

Also, have you tried talking to a Christian counsellor or therapist?

Again, please don't give up! There is hope... as I remind myself, behind the dark storm clouds is blue sky.

OldWiseGuy · Jul 31, 2021

Perhaps changing the chemistry of your body and mind will be helpful. Join a fitness club, engage a trainer for the purpose of bodybuilding. Weight training will change the way you see yourself and the world. You are at the perfect age for this life-changing activity. Do it! There's a whole new life, physically and mentally, waiting for you.

1 Timothy 4:8
for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.

That "some value" may be of great value to you.

plsletmevanish · Jul 31, 2021

@CaitM

I have no one, to be honest. I stopped attending church and I lead an extremely drawn life.

I had mostly a good upbringing as a kid apart from a few genuinely evil individuals but over time I lost a huge portion of the affection and respect I had for the few people I truly after we revealed to each other later in life a bit of our dark sides.

I sense like I am impatient sometimes. I don't lie when I say I just want to die. I know suicide is wrong and I think I won't commit it but, I wish I could die somehow.

I am disenchanted and tired of everything. Life is a daily struggle and in the end we just leave it all behind.

I sincerely have nothing that motivates me. No aim. I don't want to enter into committed relationships. I don't want kids. I don't want pets. I don't care about anyone really because the world will keep being miserable for as long as there is sin and there is no ultimate way to fix before Jesus comes back.

Everything feels extremely pointless. Why live? Why wake up? Why work towards some goal? Why face the unknown?

I don't want to have to wait for heaven. I have no reason to remain here and it hurts to stay here.

CaitM · Jul 31, 2021

plsletmevanish said:
@CaitM

I have no one, to be honest. I stopped attending church and I lead an extremely drawn life.

I had mostly a good upbringing as a kid apart from a few genuinely evil individuals but over time I lost a huge portion of the affection and respect I had for the few people I truly after we revealed to each other later in life a bit of our dark sides.

I sense like I am impatient sometimes. I don't lie when I say I just want to die. I know suicide is wrong and I think I won't commit it but, I wish I could die somehow.

I am disenchanted and tired of everything. Life is a daily struggle and in the end we just leave it all behind.

I sincerely have nothing that motivates me. No aim. I don't want to enter into committed relationships. I don't want kids. I don't want pets. I don't care about anyone really because the world will keep being miserable for as long as there is sin and there is no ultimate way to fix before Jesus comes back.

Everything feels extremely pointless. Why live? Why wake up? Why work towards some goal? Why face the unknown?

I don't want to have to wait for heaven. I have no reason to remain here and it hurts to stay here.

Would you consider yourself to have depression? I'm certainly no therapist but what you're sharing sounds a lot like depression. If so, talking to a therapist and taking medication for a while might make a difference. Being alone and isolated with our own thoughts and emotions can take us down dark holes and make us vulnerable to the Enemy's attacks.

I wonder if you know that Jesus came for broken and hurting people? We are the people He is close to because He wants to be. He came to seek and save the lost. He left the ninety and nine sheep to search for the one lost sheep. He binds up our broken hearts. He is the lifter of our heads. He is the strength of our hearts and our portion forever. Do you have a Bible? Maybe can you read some psalms and pray them to God as a way of expressing your pain and emotions to Him and opening up connection? Can you listen to psalms on an audio Bible? Maybe He wants to meet you where you are and show you that He is enough for you and better than all these other things? Maybe He would give you meaning and a reason to live?

Psalm 27 · Jul 31, 2021

plsletmevanish said:
I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.

Praying now. it’s so easy to say, and very hard to do...I have to say it to myself constantly...but wait on The Lord, be of good courage. He is for you..wants to give you a hope and a future

Psalm 27 · Jul 31, 2021

plsletmevanish said:
@zoidar @CaitM @Neostarwcc

I thank you immensely for your attention.

I understand your points and I sense you all seem to agree on one thing: Jesus' love. You seem to be so satisfied in just knowing Jesus loves you that you don't seem to fear whatever may come during life.

I want to be extremely honest and just admit to you, this is uncomprehensible to me. I was raised a Christian and I don't doubt the message of the gospel one teensy bit but I simply can't grasp it from how mystical it feels. How can just knowing someone loves you will practically help when you are in grief, in poverty, in despair, in doubt, in fear?

@zoidar

What kind of new perspective do we get? What kind of aim of life? The world is helplessly sinful, we live in a world stained by tears and blood, full of pain, where people betray and hurt each other on a daily basis. What kind of meaning and purpose do Christians derive from existing here if their real aim is to be in heaven anyway? It is not hard to believe Jesus can fix your life if it is broken. The question, will He? Stephen was stoned. Paul was beheaded. Peter was crucified. They didn't have happy endings.

@Neostarwcc

How do you get joy from living daily without knowing when you will be able to go to heaven, where your ultimate joy lies? What do you do on a daily basis? What drives you to spend the hours and pass the time?

@CaitM

I believe my fears come from being born under conditions of so much instability and just seeing how helpless and unchangeable certain realities are and how so many wishes and dreams had to be buried by now. I can't explain how, I just see how so many things just happened without me even asking and thus I am afraid God will do something hurtful and contrary to every one of my expectations for as long as I live. I can't guarantee that life will be a sweet journey until I die. God can bring totally unexpected things and events to happen that utterly change my plans for life.

I understand that life is a struggle for everyone Christian and that the real reward comes to those to are patient and endure but my real problem is, I don't know what to do while I am alive!!!

I genuinely want to die. I mean, nothing compels me to stay. I stopped seeing meaning in everything and everyone.

What am I supposed to do during my days under the sun? That's the problem, I don't know.

Should I pursue the dreams that most people have? Should I study? Find a new job? Try to save money? Or should I stay in a room laying for 24 hours and drugging myself to sleep just waiting for the day when I will be in heaven?

I don't know how to spend my days doing what. I am always afraid I will be subject to pain because God might come and bring the unexpected to my life. I study and fail the test. I get a new degree but by then it doesn't guarantee good jobs. I travel and suffer an accident that maims me for life. Who can tell what will happen tomorrow? Will I always have deliverance? Will I have the strength to continue to live if my worst fears happen? We don't have the whole blueprint in front of us.

That's why I want to die. It is safer. It will spare me of possibly horrible years ahead, of loneliness, despair, poverty, illness, abandonment, or who knows what.

I know I am bordering on psychosis but I have legit fears.

In sum, I know we have to live and can't suicide as a quick way to heaven, but I don't how to live because I have nothing to live for, and while I remain alive, bad things will keep happening.

Jesus said “He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”
I honestly don’t think that we’re actually supposed to love this life. I always felt guilty, like I was ungrateful for all that The Lord had provided for me, then I realised that they’re all worldly distractions anyway. Career, property, blah blah blah. We won’t be taking any of it with us anyway!

Ps. You’re not going insane. You’re being honest. It’s a rare gift. Thanks

plsletmevanish · Jul 31, 2021

Psalm 27 said:
Jesus said “He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”
I honestly don’t think that we’re actually supposed to love this life. I always felt guilty, like I was ungrateful for all that The Lord had provided for me, then I realised that they’re all worldly distractions anyway. Career, property, blah blah blah. We won’t be taking any of it with us anyway!

I agree. In the end nothing really satisfies. I don't love this life at all. I truly detest it. So why can't I suicide and every branch of Christianity condemns suicide as one of the most wicked acts?

Psalm 27 · Jul 31, 2021

plsletmevanish said:
I agree. In the end nothing really satisfies. I don't love this life at all. I truly detest it. So why can't I suicide and every branch of Christianity condemns suicide as one of the most wicked acts?

You don’t know where your soul would go. Jesus described hell as a place of ‘eternal’ torment, where there will be weeping and wailing etc. We think this life is bad...hell would be worse. A member of my family died (she didn’t believe in Jesus) and I had a type of dream, of her wailing and screaming. it was going on forever. Please wait for The Lord to comfort you, people are praying for you

CaitM · Jul 31, 2021

CaitM said:
Would you consider yourself to have depression? I'm certainly no therapist but what you're sharing sounds a lot like depression. If so, talking to a therapist and taking medication for a while might make a difference. Being alone and isolated with our own thoughts and emotions can take us down dark holes and make us vulnerable to the Enemy's attacks.

I wonder if you know that Jesus came for broken and hurting people? We are the people He is close to because He wants to be. He came to seek and save the lost. He left the ninety and nine sheep to search for the one lost sheep. He binds up our broken hearts. He is the lifter of our heads. He is the strength of our hearts and our portion forever. Do you have a Bible? Maybe can you read some psalms and pray them to God as a way of expressing your pain and emotions to Him and opening up connection? Can you listen to psalms on an audio Bible? Maybe He wants to meet you where you are and show you that He is enough for you and better than all these other things? Maybe He would give you meaning and a reason to live?

Did you see this message? Psalm 107 says that Jesus satisfies the longing soul.... And in John 4 Jesus revealed Himself to the Woman at the Well as the Living Water and said that whoever drinks of the water that He gives would never thirst.

Psalm 27 · Jul 31, 2021

1 kings 19
Jezebel plots to kill Elijah
4 But he himself (Elijah) went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he prayed that he might die, and said, “It is enough! Now, Lord, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!”
5 Then as he lay and slept under a broom tree, suddenly an angel touched him, and said to him, “Arise and eat.”
6 Then he looked, and there by his head was a cake baked on coals, and a jar of water. So he ate and drank, and lay down again.
7 And the angel of the Lord came back the second time, and touched him, and said, “Arise and-eat, because the journey is too great for you.”
8 So he arose, and ate and drank; and he went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights as far as Horeb, the mountain of God...

Tolworth John · Jul 31, 2021

plsletmevanish said:
I have no one, to be honest. I stopped attending church and I lead an extremely drawn life.

plsletmevanish said:
All I know is I am despairing.

Please see a doctor and seek professional medical help.

If you will not speak to a doctor then arrange to speak to a Christian minister who can give you spiritual councelling and help you to talk to a doctor.

I am going insane from fear and despair

Should never have been born

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