- Jul 31, 2021
- 11
- 30
- 31
- Country
- South Africa
- Faith
- Pentecostal
- Marital Status
- Single
I am in utter need of help because I am becoming a shameful dead weight to those around me, as the years pass. I have no zest to live, no reason at all, and the only thing preventing me from suiciding is the fear of Hell. Nothing motivates me to continue though. Nothing and no one. I feel a daily numbness and question the meaning of the least things. I have come to realize I am extremely disconnected from the world and people around me and that I hoard feelings of fear about God and the future. My life has been in a state of stagnation for 8 years now. I haven't advanced professionally, relationally, and spiritually at all. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to stop existing. It is hard for me to believe that life will ever be good, after I found out how many people suffered and that not everyone will have a life of dreams come true, prosperity and love. I am always afraid God will destroy all my attempts at building a better life like studying, getting a better job, traveling, and do to me what He did to Stephen, Isaiah, Jeremiah and so many others. They were stoned, sawed in two, tortured. Many people become quadraplegics through accidents, or lose loved ones, lose their fortunes and become extremely poor and despised by others, undergo some trauma that scars them forever. Life won't be sweet for everyone despite all the false propaganda by all media and even churches, and I am afraid that while I am alive, I can be one of those whose life won't be so good, something terrible can happen to me like quadraplegia, disfigurement, extreme poverty, sickness, and I won't be able to commit suicide anyway, because suicide makes you forfeit your salvation, and the certainty of salvation is the only guarantee that I will ever be happy again. And if I forced to live, it will hurt anyway, because I am seeing everyone my age prosper while I have wasted years of life doing nothing useful just miring in fears and depression that can indeed concretize in the future years. I am consumed by insecurity and fear. Life is a journey but I want mine to end. I am obviously going insane and I don't know why I am sending this. All I know is I am despairing.