I am actually glad you said that because in a very real sense this [your predicament as per the OP] does have that meaning. On the face of it you have practised a habit of making vows to God since you were about sixteen. I tried to kill myself when I was sixteen. I took enough pills to drop a horse and then lay down to die. I woke uo two days later as bright as a puppy dog and went on with my life. Eight years later I was converted and I have never lost sight that the Father kept me despite myself. So when I was converted at twenty four years old I asked the Lord why He hadn't come and revealed Himself to me when I was sixteen. Being converted suddenly in a prison cell in solitary confinement does tend to establish that God is sovereign. I was concerned only with the things I had done since I survived my suicide attempt. And I have to tell you truthfully my friend - I did some very bad things.
In some ways life has a similar character for us all, and if we care for one another in Christ, then it isn't difficult to find similarities in our lives - especially how our lives go awry when we ourselves have no real way to moderate the effects or the consequences. Being a small child and even a teenager - life is filled with that meaning. It is what others do in that period that warps our thinking because most of that stuff is people in authority over us misusing their authority and causing us to doubt God and ourselves. Trying to take control of our own lives is a natural fact of coming to an accountable age with God. So sixteen is a time when we may try and do that. We may not even realise that when we were children we naturally try and please our parents and that can be because they tell us that to do so is to please God. In any case little children do want to please their parents and the policeman and the teacher and the pastor. But it is the parent that supplies the love and the affection that deflects some of their anger when they raise their hands and their voices - and it is the wrong use of authority that the policeman, the teacher and especially the pastor - that we most miss until we come to understand that the natural desire to please God was also underpinned by God putting into place all authorities to ensure that we never lose sight of our wrong doing when we have lost sight of God.
To go back to your point about "fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom right? I don't see how this is much different" - Fear is what God put into place in our very physiology to ensure that we would never be so free that we could live as we please - even when we have no good parent or policeman or teacher or pastor. Even then we would know the need to stand and fight and pay the price of rebellion against God or else hide from God and only come out to speak to Him when He calls us and asks why we are hiding. [Fight or Fight]. I believe that you are unlikely to be one who always fought and railed when life lost its simple meaning - so perhaps its time to let God be God and stand still for a while and rest in the knowledge that He is unfathomably good and does not condemn us when we tell him that we are blind and naked and have not yet found our peace. That we are filled with fear and anxiety and that we have sinned in some ways and we are no longer able to comprehend it.
My mother was a schizophrenic and she abused me from the womb to my teenage years relentlessly and mercilessly. One of the characteristic of her mental illness was sadism and paranoia. I was with her when she died and even though by then I had been a Christian for many years her mind was as much an impregnable wall in death as it had been in life. My father still raised his great fist to remind me that if I upset my mother I knew what I would get. These things belong to God. I came from them. They did not come from me. So as difficult as it may be - let God be God and take responsibility for the only life you have to give an account for when you are unmarried without children and twenty two years old. When you do that [and your vows are in that meaning - though mistaken] you will find that there are people who can help, and talking therapies can help. It is the Father in Christ by the Holy Spirit, however, who can deliver you and make your life a gift to others and pleasing to Him.
