Wife wants divorce over money

RaymondG said:

It seems to me that money and bills are not being managed well. Why is it that a bill, that you had the money to pay, was left unpaid to till the date of cutoff? It reads as though something would have been cut off if you did not pay before you got home from work.

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He's working 2 jobs, caring for the child, and paying the bills.

Every now and then, something's going to fall behind ...

Luke Derk said:

Hi forum,
My wife asked me to pay a $15 wifi bill on my way to work this morning. I was already running late and didn't have time to stop, so I asked her to pay it or to wait until I returned so I could pay it. She's upset to the point of telling her whole family that I'm charging her and forcing her to pay things. She's a house wife but occasionally makes money selling clothes, so she had $15. She cursed me all day and slept in a different room when I returned from work. This is the first time I've ever asked her for anything. I work 2 jobs to support our home. I'm I in the wrong for asking her to pay a one time $15?

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Pray and love her and pay the bill yourself. I would set up billpay with your bank and set it up on autopay. This means that the bill will be paid a certain time each month from your bank automatically. Many banks today have this option.

Anyways, buy her roses and get her a card and tell her you were sorry for making her to do something that she felt uncomfortable in doing. Maybe she hates anything to do with finances. But love her despite her faults and weaknesses. The more she may do something bad, love her more and do good for her, and pray for her. The example is for us to be like Christ around her so that it will rub off on her a little.

She also probably wants to spend time with you and you are not around because of the two jobs. I know life is difficult and you have to pay the bills, but pray and try to find an alternate job that pays better whereby you can spend more time with her. For in her perspective, she is in a home without a husband. I am sure she did not imagine that idea and does not like it.

myst33 said:

I think that relationship before marriage should last at least 2 years. Most hormonal love and "crush on somebody" goes away in this period, so people can see more clearly the conflicts and negatives.

But many mental problems and character defects are revealed also after that period... so, its always kind of a lottery...

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You can date for 10 years before marriage, yet the moment you make that agreement, most things change.....expectations are different. Before you are married, you are single. Unwise to enter marriage, if you believe most things will be the same as they were when you were single.

Dave L said:

I found you get out of people what you invest in them. 51 years married and happier than ever.

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Unwise and unhelpful to tell one, who is sick and desiring to be healed.......That you have been healthy for 51 years.

Luke Derk said:

Hi forum,
My wife asked me to pay a $15 wifi bill on my way to work this morning. I was already running late and didn't have time to stop, so I asked her to pay it or to wait until I returned so I could pay it. She's upset to the point of telling her whole family that I'm charging her and forcing her to pay things. She's a house wife but occasionally makes money selling clothes, so she had $15. She cursed me all day and slept in a different room when I returned from work. This is the first time I've ever asked her for anything. I work 2 jobs to support our home. I'm I in the wrong for asking her to pay a one time $15?

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Telling someone about their spouse, especially long distance and seriously out of the loop, is a bad idea. Reading your brief description of a marital situation seems obvious. However, per the aforementioned, please consider the following; pray for Christ to open your eyes and strengthen your faith. This is undoubtedly difficult but can lead to an awakening.

A_Thinker said:

He's working 2 jobs, caring for the child, and paying the bills.

Every now and then, something's going to fall behind ...

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Yes, if you are using a service that will cut you off if you are only one day late. Most providers let service continue with a late fee before cutting off.

Either way....we all have been, at least late on a bill or two.....in those time, we should be understanding of those who depend on us to pay those bills.....not say "oh well, if you dont want it cut off , you pay it."

I doubt either of us would say that to our wives.....and we would be more upset with ourselves for forgetting, than they would be...... I despise late fees.

Of course we would not be late for work to pay this, nonessential bill, but we would apologize and explain that it wont happen again...... very different from "If you need it now, you pay for it."

RaymondG said:

Unwise and unhelpful to tell one, who is sick and desiring to be healed.......That you have been healthy for 51 years.

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I have something that works....

myst33 said:

I think that relationship before marriage should last at least 2 years. Most hormonal love and "crush on somebody" goes away in this period, so people can see more clearly the conflicts and negatives.

But many mental problems and character defects are revealed also after that period... so, its always kind of a lottery...

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Parents chose mates for the kids in the OT. It's not "marry who you love", "it's love who you marry."

Dave L said:

I have something that works....

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Ok, I understand. You were offering your solution to being healthy and it was not heeded, therefore you were saying how long it has worked for you. Difficult to see when split up in separate posts. My apologies.

Luke Derk said:

Hi forum,
My wife asked me to pay a $15 wifi bill on my way to work this morning. I was already running late and didn't have time to stop, so I asked her to pay it or to wait until I returned so I could pay it. She's upset to the point of telling her whole family that I'm charging her and forcing her to pay things. She's a house wife but occasionally makes money selling clothes, so she had $15. She cursed me all day and slept in a different room when I returned from work. This is the first time I've ever asked her for anything. I work 2 jobs to support our home. I'm I in the wrong for asking her to pay a one time $15?

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Hi. No you haven’t done anything wrong. Im not psychologist but I wonder if she is upset of something else? And this 15$ was just excuse to blowup? Over 15$ cursing all day seems overreaction.

Luke Derk said:

Hi forum,
My wife asked me to pay a $15 wifi bill on my way to work this morning. I was already running late and didn't have time to stop, so I asked her to pay it or to wait until I returned so I could pay it. She's upset to the point of telling her whole family that I'm charging her and forcing her to pay things. She's a house wife but occasionally makes money selling clothes, so she had $15. She cursed me all day and slept in a different room when I returned from work. This is the first time I've ever asked her for anything. I work 2 jobs to support our home. I'm I in the wrong for asking her to pay a one time $15?

Click to expand...

this sounds like a breaking point of a larger problem and not a single issue, not to mention it sounds like there are differences of culture happening as well.

when 2 parties have expectations that are not met both parties feel wronged and feel like they are being reasonable and that sounds like whats happening. Men often have more surface-level frustrations where with women often have more depth and represent more than a single issue. so the issue that triggers you may see as an isolated issue but she may see as a pile of issues that has brought her to a stress point.

try and talk with her about her expectations and as well communicate your own with her (not just with this issue) and do it during a safe time when the issues is not being challenged in some way, you will probably find your expectations are different. We can't just assume our expectations can be unspoken and your wife just "knows" because even among the same cultures 2 people won't think the same way.

With regards to tasks that you want help with speak to her regarding the tasks and establish a plan you can both agree on which helps set expectations, once you agree on a plan the next time it comes up and she is not following it you can bring up the agreement and go over the expectations again. you may also establish a plan that you are the sole person responsible for the task and so when an event comes up where you want help with you ask for help but allow her a space where she may say no.

As a housewife I'm sure there are things she does and if she asks you to do something that you have preassumed as her task do you also get annoyed and frustrated too? do you say things like that's not my job or start talking about the things you expect? it may be the same way with this issue, she may feel this is outside her responsibilities and is getting annoyed and frustrated being asked to do it. Again, it's a problem of expectations being different.

If you can't figure it out get some marriage counselling, often a third party is easier to talk about issues than just doing it alone and it breaks out in a fight. a counsellor will set boundaries and create a space to allow the two of you to talk the issues through constructively. they don't typically tell you point-blank answers but more open-ended questions to help you look at things differently and allow the 2 of your to hear how the other processes things which help them understand you better.

myst33 said:

I do not know, it seems today that everything is so complicated and everybody is so sensitive... and marriage is so risky, dangerous and expensive. Mainly for men.

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There are honorable people on both sides of the aisle. No one is perfect. But every one isn't planning to exploit their partner. A lot of men get caught up on appearances and forgo the hidden qualities exemplary women possess.

The number one thing you must seek is conscientiousness. They have a intrinsic understanding of right and wrong and a desire to improve. They're quick to apologize and usually self-correcting. I've never encountered a woman who followed a man who didn't possess it.

The second thing you should look for is regard. What is her conception of men? Can she articulate pros and cons for both or is her thinking slanted? Whatever she thinks about them is a foreshadowing of your experiences. You want someone who can identify and appreciate good qualities in both. Her judgment should be evenhanded. Women with that disposition esteem their men. Their respect and admiration is laudable. You won't hear her trashing him to others.

The third attribute is peace. This is the person who knows when to talk, let it go, and avoids arguments. They don't need to be right. They usually read their partner's moods really well.

People like that are easy to live with. Every moment isn't a power struggle. Disagreements don't become a war. You'll have it a lot easier if you find someone who can follow you and wants to do so. And she proves it through her actions.

~bella

Mark Quayle said:

I agree that marriage is for life —don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting a 'get out of jail free card'. I'm just saying most people don't expect the boundaries to become a jail, but a home. "It is better to live in a corner of a rooftop, than with a contentious woman in the house."

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I learned a long time ago the danger of following my heart. It means well. She's sweet, loving, and sees the best in everyone. But that girl will get me in trouble. My mind and spirit are the gatekeepers. I seek the Lord's input and bring little miss cheerful under subjection. She's kindhearted and vulnerable. I have no business putting myself in someone's hands who won't respect and protect that. And I know the difference. The secret sauce is waiting. You'll find one another. Maturity's the tipping point.

~bella

RaymondG said:

I've been married well over a decade without a joint account.....with no issues. And it seems to me that a joint account would not be wise in this situation.

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Is your wife employed or dependent on you for sustenance? Was she reared like the OPs spouse?

~bella

bèlla said:

I learned a long time ago the danger of following my heart. It means well. She's sweet, loving, and sees the best in everyone. But that girl will get me in trouble. My mind and spirit are the gatekeepers. I seek the Lord's input and bring little miss cheerful under subjection. She's kindhearted and vulnerable. I have no business putting myself in someone's hands who won't respect and protect that. And I know the difference. The secret sauce is waiting. You'll find one another. Maturity's the tipping point.

~bella

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Well put.

bèlla said:

There are honorable people on both sides of the aisle. No one is perfect. But every one isn't planning to exploit their partner. A lot of men get caught up on appearances and forgo the hidden qualities exemplary women possess.

The number one thing you must seek is conscientiousness. They have a intrinsic understanding of right and wrong and a desire to improve. They're quick to apologize and usually self-correcting. I've never encountered a woman who followed a man who didn't possess it.

The second thing you should look for is regard. What is her conception of men? Can she articulate pros and cons for both or is her thinking slanted? Whatever she thinks about them is a foreshadowing of your experiences. You want someone who can identify and appreciate good qualities in both. Her judgment should be evenhanded. Women with that disposition esteem their men. Their respect and admiration is laudable. You won't hear her trashing him to others.

The third attribute is peace. This is the person who knows when to talk, let it go, and avoids arguments. They don't need to be right. They usually read their partner's moods really well.

Every moment isn't a power struggle. Disagreements don't become a war. You'll have it a lot easier if you find someone who can follow you and wants to do so. And she proves it through her actions.

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Nice.

bèlla said:

People like that are easy to live with.

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I know no woman like that. So maybe they are easy to live with, who knows.

But it certainly is easy to be single And risk free.

myst33 said:

I know no woman like that. So maybe they are easy to live with, who knows.

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Some women are relatively easy to live with. But no women are men.

And there's the rub, as my wife would say ...

Mark Quayle said:

Well put.

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Thank you Mark. Mileage my friend.

~bella

Dave L said:

I found you get out of people what you invest in them. 51 years married and happier than ever.
I have something that works....

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For your generation, after the WWII, it was so much easier to be pragmatic about hard life, to find a woman, probably from the same village and stay together the whole life, because there were no other possibilities.

For young generations its so different that its not even comparable.

myst33 said:

I know no woman like that. So maybe they are easy to live with, who knows.

But it certainly is easy to be single And risk free.

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Birds of a feather flock together. Keep an eye out for number one and two. It usually begets the third. Will you be happy alone?

~bella