Wife wants divorce over money

Luke Derk said:

Did I say I wasn't grateful?

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Does she think you are?

Luke Derk said:

If only I could read her mind.

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I found you get out of people what you invest in them. 51 years married and happier than ever.

Dave L said:

I found you get out of people what you invest in them. 51 years married and happier than ever.

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Marriage is a long-term endeavor ...

Luke Derk said:

Yes I was a believer then also. She has everything she has ever asked for even when it seems impossible at times, which is why I don't understand when this happened.

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Did you want a Christian wife? Some of the things you’ve shared about her background should have raised questions.

Her mother married for money. Her father indulged her. They have a different worldview and she’s the result. How would it complement your own? Did you ever consider that?

~bella

Luke Derk said:

I'm stepdad to her 7 year old. Sadly he wanted to play with her last night but she pushed him away because he was interrupting whatever she was watching on TV, and this was after 10 days with grandma because we were isolating after a Covid scare so we sent him to grandma's. I played Legos with him, she was too busy watching TV.

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Small world, my sister-in-law was a single mom too.

I think that's part of why she wanted to make the marriage work.

I honestly think part of this is that there are female minds that interpret things in narrow and illogical ways, to twist perfectly reasonable requests and circumstances into threats, toxicity, and suchlike. This is a grade above intentionally lying to themselves and others about what men say, do, and intend. Maybe they honestly think that we're being unloving in some extremely convoluted way. In which case their minds need to be opened so they won't see it that way. But I don't have specific recommendations for a fix in your situation. See a qualified counselor and put in the years to make this improve. Yes it took years for my brother and sister-in-law to get to a good place. Both of them did want to make it work, which was key.

Luke Derk said:

Perhaps I should've dated her longer but the covenant has been made and I'm not breaking it. I joined this forum hoping for good advice.

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You'll need to be patient and prayerful. Set a good example for both and let love be the barometer. Do you have a good support network? Men you can converse with and a mature believer you can lean on?

~bella

myst33 said:

So why did you marry her? It seems she is an awful woman.

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Did any of us know what we were doing when we married?

Mark Quayle said:

Did any of us know what we were doing when we married?

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I think that relationship before marriage should last at least 2 years. Most hormonal love and "crush on somebody" goes away in this period, so people can see more clearly the conflicts and negatives.

But many mental problems and character defects are revealed also after that period... so, its always kind of a lottery...

Mark Quayle said:

Did any of us know what we were doing when we married?

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No one expects anyone to be a soothsayer. But character can't be discerned overnight. It takes a long time to know someone. Allowing your feelings to take precedence over the qualities required for a successful union is unwise. And if you do you have to live with it.

For every "we've known each other for X months" happy ending; there's a litany of train wrecks. If you want someone who shares your worldview and outlook on faith; get that person. Don't try to convert them. That's an uphill climb.

We complicate life unnecessarily.

~bella

bèlla said:

We complicate life unnecessarily.

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Is not the whole marriage thing an unnecessarily complication today?

If somebody does not like the lottery game, its best not to play it...

bèlla said:

No one expects anyone to be a soothsayer. But character can't be discerned overnight. It takes a long time to know someone. Allowing your feelings to take precedence over the qualities required for a successful union is unwise. And if you do you have to live with it.

For every "we've known each other for X months" happy ending; there's a litany of train wrecks. If you want someone who shares your worldview and outlook on faith; get that person. Don't try to convert them. That's an uphill climb.

We complicate life unnecessarily.

~bella

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Yes, we do complicate life unnecessarily. But a clearminded assessment of character of another immature person is difficult to do in the best circumstances, nevermind under the influence of raging hormones.

myst33 said:

Is not the whole marriage thing an unnecessarily complication today?

If somebody does not like the lottery game, its best not to play it...

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Not if we're honest. That's where things get murky. People turn a blind eye to what's staring them in the face. They see the good and bad but downplay the latter. Only to complain later on. It all comes down to can you live with it? If we tell ourselves the truth we'll save a lot of heartache.

~bella

Mark Quayle said:

Yes, we do complicate life unnecessarily. But a clearminded assessment of character of another immature person is difficult to do in the best circumstances, nevermind under the influence of raging hormones.

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Hormones don't divorce you from commonsense. You've set it aside in difference to desire. Nevertheless, you chose. God doesn't give you a get-out-of-jail free card because you're carried away. He expects you to walk it out.

Choices have consequences. That's life 101. You learn that as child. Well before the hormones start.

~bella

bèlla said:

Not if we're honest. That's where things get murky. People turn a blind eye to what's staring them in the face. They see the good and bad but downplay the latter. Only to complain later on. It all comes down to can you live with it? If we tell ourselves the truth we'll save a lot of heartache.

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I do not know, it seems today that everything is so complicated and everybody is so sensitive... and marriage is so risky, dangerous and expensive. Mainly for men.

bèlla said:

Hormones don't divorce you from commonsense. You've set it aside in difference to desire. Nevertheless, you chose. God doesn't give you a get-out-of-jail free card because you're carried away. He expects you to walk it out.

Choices have consequences. That's life 101. You learn that as child. Well before the hormones start.

~bella

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Of course, and so many of us thought we were doing when considering marriage. Great wisdom, advice from many wise people, parents, elders, didn't stop what happened. Marriage changes everything. All the sudden one finds out what the other expected out of marriage, and what it meant to the other.

No, the one party doesn't really know the other, until after marriage.

I agree that marriage is for life —don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting a 'get out of jail free card'. I'm just saying most people don't expect the boundaries to become a jail, but a home. "It is better to live in a corner of a rooftop, than with a contentious woman in the house."

bèlla said:

Have you provided access to a shared account that allows her to cover household expenses? Or is she required to direct them to you instead?

If you hold the purse strings and they aren’t accessible that’s a problem. It sets the stage for what you’re experiencing now.

Your wife shouldn’t have to ask for $15 dollars if you’ve agreed she’ll stay at home. It sounds more parental than relational.

~bella

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I've been married well over a decade without a joint account.....with no issues. And it seems to me that a joint account would not be wise in this situation.

Luke Derk said:

Hi forum,
My wife asked me to pay a $15 wifi bill on my way to work this morning. I was already running late and didn't have time to stop, so I asked her to pay it or to wait until I returned so I could pay it. She's upset to the point of telling her whole family that I'm charging her and forcing her to pay things. She's a house wife but occasionally makes money selling clothes, so she had $15. She cursed me all day and slept in a different room when I returned from work. This is the first time I've ever asked her for anything. I work 2 jobs to support our home. I'm I in the wrong for asking her to pay a one time $15?

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It seems to me that money and bills are not being managed well. Why is it that a bill, that you had the money to pay, was left unpaid to till the date of cutoff? It reads as though something would have been cut off if you did not pay before you got home from work.