Social anxiety means making friends is almost impossible.

Tarvorok said:

The title pretty much says it all for me, but I will explain in as good of detail as I can about my social anxiety.

I've had social anxiety since I was a kid and it has made a lot of challenges and struggles in my life since. I grew up without any friends at all for a long time, I didn't have an actual person in my life that I called "friend" until I was 20 years old, but that friendship didn't last long, only a few months.

I have this problem of having all these thoughts pop into my head just at the introduction phase, so many that it often blocks my ability to speak at all, online really isn't much different when meeting others, it's just as nerve-racking and headache inducing. The thoughts are often mainly about how the other person is perceiving me and me hoping that if I do get words out that they come out genuine and not sound forced or anything.

I've tried working on this in the six years since my last friend but it hasn't generated anything new. I long for friendship and I've even tried going to different churches than my norm, even to meetups in other towns just in an attempt to socialize, but it has all been to no avail.

I usually don't like talking about my issues, because I know someone else is always dealing with a worse situation than I am, but this was a building pressure in my head that I needed to release, so.

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I can relate. The problem is you perceive the social situations as dangerous when they're not.

This won't work all of the time in the beginning and it'll be difficult but try to realise that people's judgements aren't a threat. I know you realise this but it's different when the thoughts start firing off. Also you could think what YOU are thinking about them not what they are thinking about you.

BTW I have aspergers and that explained my social anxiety a lot. It sounds like you could be high-functioning aspergers possibly? Like me. I still sometimes doubt my diagnosis but I think I do have it more and more nowadays.

I also think you have to expose yourself intelligently. You can't keep putting yourself in fear inducing situations and then expect to improve. You'll just associate it with fear more. You also can't just completely avoid situations as this also makes the fear worse.

Sorry if I come across as patronising. Hope I helped and God bless

Tarvorok said:

The title pretty much says it all for me, but I will explain in as good of detail as I can about my social anxiety.

I've had social anxiety since I was a kid and it has made a lot of challenges and struggles in my life since. I grew up without any friends at all for a long time, I didn't have an actual person in my life that I called "friend" until I was 20 years old, but that friendship didn't last long, only a few months.

I have this problem of having all these thoughts pop into my head just at the introduction phase, so many that it often blocks my ability to speak at all, online really isn't much different when meeting others, it's just as nerve-racking and headache inducing. The thoughts are often mainly about how the other person is perceiving me and me hoping that if I do get words out that they come out genuine and not sound forced or anything.

I've tried working on this in the six years since my last friend but it hasn't generated anything new. I long for friendship and I've even tried going to different churches than my norm, even to meetups in other towns just in an attempt to socialize, but it has all been to no avail.

I usually don't like talking about my issues, because I know someone else is always dealing with a worse situation than I am, but this was a building pressure in my head that I needed to release, so.

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I'm not a social butterfly, either.

What I've found works for me ... is when getting to know the other people present ... isn't the main focus.

So ... I've made friends in college, and in group interest settings. I have an interest in music, so I've joined choir groups and found some friends there. I served at my church and in other volunteer opportunities and found friends there, as well. It's easier when there is already an identified common interest.

People will have an automatic level of respect for you ... because something that is important to them ... is also important to you.

Tarvorok said:

I usually don't like talking about my issues, because I know someone else is always dealing with a worse situation than I am, but this was a building pressure in my head that I needed to release, so.

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So, you can feel for others enough to know that others might have harder issues than you do. So, this can be good for helping you be able to feel for others, in friendship.

I might be more paranoid than anxious about socializing > I can be more of an accuser and criticizer and aggressive in my imagined response. What helps is I handle my imagined issues the way Jesus says to deal with problem people. Submit to God to make me able to be the right way and not trust the paranoid stuff or how my ego might have me deal with it. But instead love and care about and pray blessing with hope to the ones I imagine to be a problem.

And in my case I have had various situations which have proven my paranoid stuff wrong; so this helps me not to trust what is paranoid, sooner and quicker and better with love.

And God has proven Himself, in how people have often done so better than I imagined they might.

But this takes actually going to the people after praying for them, so I can get the proof

When I first saw your title, the first thing I thought of is you already do have friends; there are Christian people who love you and are praying for you. And if they are strong Christians, they can bear with your problems.

But you might not be as ready as they are. So, may be it could help to just appreciate that you do have people who are for you and not interested in making problems for you.

And maybe be satisfied and appreciative to share just a few moments with someone. And grow. Just be quiet and appreciate that you do have friends.

And don't trust what anxiety tells you, when you might not even personally know the one or ones being represented by the anxious stuff.

But yes there are people who are not trustworthy, and we need to become able to tell the difference. And even our better friends can at times fail us; so we need to be ready with forgiveness and "longsuffering", even with very Christian people >

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

So, standing against the anxiety is not enough. We also need how God changes us so we are ready for loving !

The fact that some have it worse doesn’t invalidate what you’re struggling with. I’d recommend working with a therapist who has treated people with social anxiety.

Whats helped me is putting myself aside and not at the center of social situations. This first starts with your thoughts, understanding conversations aren't all about you and after one ends life continues. Another is most conversations are small talk, keep it short and simple relying on the basics.

Example:
"Hey Tarvorok! Man, it's hot today."
"Hey! Yeah, is it suppose to be this hot all week?"

When I can't think of much to say, I just keep it simple and whatever they're talking about ask a question. This way I don't seem uninterested/uncaring and it continues the conversation. Not the most exciting talker or have the most exciting conversations, but in my mind least I'm talking. I don't need to be perfect doing it, just talk. My experience is talking is as much a skill as it is a talent. The periods I talk more the easier it gets and the periods of talking less the harder it's for me.

Tarvorok said:

I do have Asperger's Syndrome, I was diagnosed when I was a kid. I have realized that as I've grown older it has gotten worse, at least from a sensory and eye contact level.

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ah ok, the only reason I suspected is you said you question if your conversations will sound forced and over analysing this way is a sign of aspergers, or so I was told. I do this also. I was only diagnosed a year back

We need to have a Zoom meeting for social anxiety sufferers.
For the really shy, they could just have a mic and not be on camera.
Zoom could really help developl closer friendships.
Anyone up for it?
Trust me, I have had SA all my life.

Tarvorok said:

The title pretty much says it all for me, but I will explain in as good of detail as I can about my social anxiety.

I've had social anxiety since I was a kid and it has made a lot of challenges and struggles in my life since. I grew up without any friends at all for a long time, I didn't have an actual person in my life that I called "friend" until I was 20 years old, but that friendship didn't last long, only a few months.

I have this problem of having all these thoughts pop into my head just at the introduction phase, so many that it often blocks my ability to speak at all, online really isn't much different when meeting others, it's just as nerve-racking and headache inducing. The thoughts are often mainly about how the other person is perceiving me and me hoping that if I do get words out that they come out genuine and not sound forced or anything.

I've tried working on this in the six years since my last friend but it hasn't generated anything new. I long for friendship and I've even tried going to different churches than my norm, even to meetups in other towns just in an attempt to socialize, but it has all been to no avail.

I usually don't like talking about my issues, because I know someone else is always dealing with a worse situation than I am, but this was a building pressure in my head that I needed to release, so.

Click to expand...

You've internalized a fear or rejection.cry, and stop trying to be so manly.

I struggled w/ SAD most of my life. I finally got pills for it a few years ago. They really help, but I feel like I have a lot of scars still: Being the outsider most of my life because I was too anxious hurt me in a way others simply didn't experience. I missed out on a lot of things & still do.

This may be beating a deadhorse, especially b/c it sounds like you're trying, but identify your hobbies & go to meet-up groups for them. Whether it be video games, sporting events, crafting, I have no idea. Remember: right now your goal is to make ONE friend, you're not shooting for 1000. I'll be honest, I have only a couple really good friends, & I wouldn't trade them for 1000. Just one or 2 is all that's needed. Good luck.