My Current Condition and Line of Thinking...

rtodd5011 · Jun 30, 2021

I have been plagued with mental health issues since my early teenage years. In 2002 I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and put on Abilify which helped for the most part with that medicine when it was properly managed. I have as well been dealing with depression as well through the years. But have struggled with many different antidepressants. In 2018 I got help to put together and publish a book about my past and present mental health issues but in the book I did go into details that transpired before the age of 18. Well currently, over a two month period I spiraled into a severe depression. The only thing that helps me to daily cope is to write about all this. During this time I completely got off all my meds which I honestly do not condom this type of behavior and do not advise getting off your medicine. Antidressants make me zone out and sleep all the time. During these last 3 months I do not seem to be any schizohrenic symptoms...no voices, hallucinations or delusions. There is some paranoia but not extreme.

I have been reaching out and found a therapist in my area that will take my insurance. My first appointment is July 10th. I am hoping she will give me better ways to cope instead of withdrawing and isolating from the world and my battle with depression. These are ways I have coped since my teenage years.

I will some some about my teenage years...there was trauma and sexual issues with me that were swept under the rug and never discussed or dwelt with. I buried these events in my mind but to this day the memories are there and probably always will be. I did not know how else to deal with them except hid them and keep them secret. I have always separated what happened during my teens with my battle with mental illness, but a part of me will always wonder if they are somehow connected. I am not sure or if this fits other peoples situation. I realize this is my journey, my story and no two people deal with things the same way.

As a teen I never acted out and did not have much of a life in those days. I kept it all inside and that was not good for me. It was the only way I knew how to cope at that time and still do to some extent. As I have got older and have a passion for writing I have learned how to bear my soul and learned to open up. I want to open up to my therapist about my teen age years. That is a whole chapter of my life that got passed over and not looked at deeper. What I have wrote about in the post is the only way I can seem to rationalize my life at this point.

Thanks for reading this and feel free to share how you perceive all this mess of my life. I would like to know what you think.

Fervent · Jul 1, 2021

Thank you for sharing your story. I just want to let you know you're not alone in struggling with mental health issues, I wrestle with issues related to bipolar disorder that easily tips into manic episodes marked with severe delusions and hallucinations.

rtodd5011 · Jul 1, 2021

That is good to know. Writing has always been very cathartic for me. I am glad I am started writing again. It has been a long while since I was able to express through it. I am very positive that it will lead me back into a good place mentally and spiritually. Thanks.

AK1982 · Jul 2, 2021

rtodd5011 said:
The only thing that helps me to daily cope is to write about all this.

And maybe that's sufficient! Most of the times, that "just one thing" is the way to our life's purpose and destiny God has in mind for us. Just put that "only thing" in the hands of the Lord who is perfectly capable of breaking a little loaf to feed multitudes.

You know how much David wrote about his feelings, his ups & downs, his relationship with God, his desires, his struggles & much more?? and I am sure you do know how every Psalm of his helps a depressed person.

Unqualified · Jul 3, 2021

I write too and keep my head together. Just little poems that focus me on the beauty of nature and my surroundings; on the outside world where Jesus is. I used to write in the 70& 80s with me as the focus and it has a place. But I could never figure it out, so subjective, no reference points. So I’m trying to turn outward for 40 years for references. I finally turned to the Lord to obey Him and found that a good reference. Easier than going against. I don’t need my psychiatrist any more much. I found a good woman and married her. I have set up a supported life and have become supportive. Im not trying to brag, but the Lord blessed my efforts to turn outward.

Now when I turn inward too much I only find out how miserable I am. The secret is to turn to Gods world to others even in writing. That where God is, not in our fleshly worlds where it’s all about me. God wants us to use our gifts for others to find salvation right now. This world can’t go on forever and most of the world is headed for hell. You could write letters to your representatives to friends to help and bless them. I think this is one more step to health. An outward focus to do Gods will as you/ we are able.

Be about Gods word.

Jesse Dornfeld · Jul 5, 2021

Hi!

I am very interested in your writing in terms of the process for you. I am also trying to write a book. It is perhaps a bit different angle though. Mine is about the question "How I see the world as a Christian who has Schizophrenia." I have been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD. As with ADHD, I cannot stick with things for very long, hence why I am asking you about your writing process. I read and write quite a bit, but in terms of sticking to the book, that is difficult. So I was wondering if you had any tips for me.

Great you felt healthy enough to get off meds! I've thought about that, but I'm a bit afraid to try it out.

rtodd5011 · Jul 6, 2021

Before I even thought about a book. I felt from the Lord that I was supposed to do it. But to put my story down was so convoluted and very fractured over the years. I was quiet daunting at that time to think about putting it all in book form. I actually thought that I was not hearing correctly from God. So from that standpoint I completely got it out of my mind as best as I could. That was in 2012. At the end of 2012 I felt led to write out my testimony on the computer and I did. I was unsure at the time what to do with it. I felt like I was supposed to share it with a deacon of the church I was involved at that time. But it never panned out like that which was a big disappointment for me. I really felt the need to get my testimony out there. So i just held onto it.

I am not sure how long after that I decided to start a Christian blog at a free site. It started with one paragraph for a blog post for a while slowly and surely it built up. I am not sure exactly when, but at one point words kept flowing out of my heart as I typed them. It became way more than one paragraph for a post in the blog. I believe it was there I discovered my passion for writing.

My book comprised of my testimony and some of those blog postings and was a measly 50 pages long. The guy and his wife who helped me compile my writings and they went through the process of editing and publishing the book did a awesome job with the book and the cover was beautiful.

I really had high hopes that the book would help and give me a voice in the church to speak about mental health issues especially in the church body. My book is even at amazon. but its not a smashing success. My family seen me go through all that mess with my mental health issues and some people in the church body could relate to what I said in the book. But sadly from what I gathered from some, especially leaders had a tough time wrapping their mind around the things I wrote about. if a person especially people in the church have not been where I was coming from and attempted to see it through my eyes or even experienced it in their families they are just not going to understand. I had to come to my senses, that that is okay and not dwell on it.

On top of it all I still go through seasons of time that seem to tell me I am not all together mentally sound as I thought I was or would be.

I hope there are parts of the posting that will be helpful to you with your writing. Everyone's story is different from what I see and we are all on a different journey. I did what I felt I could with the Lord's help. I was finally able to say find my voice through my writing loud and clear, and that is what matters the most, more than anything else.

rtodd5011 · Jul 6, 2021

True Counterphobia said:
Great you felt healthy enough to get off meds! I've thought about that, but I'm a bit afraid to try it out.

I will more than likely have to get on some type of antidepressant. I am not really wanting to do that. But I talked with my sister yesterday and she has been on Prozac for many years. She takes it a needed. and one of my brothers take it too. My sister did tell me to tell my therapist that sister takes it and it works for her. so that may work for me as well. I have been on many antidepressants since 2002 but my doctors have never put me on Prozac. Depression does run in my family in different degrees. I even have a cousin that has schizophrenia. So it may be some type of genetical component that runs in families.

rtodd5011 · Jul 6, 2021

AK1982 said:
And maybe that's sufficient! Most of the times, that "just one thing" is the way to our life's purpose and destiny God has in mind for us. Just put that "only thing" in the hands of the Lord who is perfectly capable of breaking a little loaf to feed multitudes.

You know how much David wrote about his feelings, his ups & downs, his relationship with God, his desires, his struggles & much more?? and I am sure you do know how every Psalm of his helps a depressed person.

Thank you very much for sharing this analogy. You are so right on with breaking a little loaf to feed the multitudes. What a great reminder.

AK1982 · Jul 6, 2021

rtodd5011 said:
On top of it all I still go through seasons of time that seem to tell me I am not all together mentally sound as I thought I was or would be.

I've been there, I still find myself there when I am depressed. Over the years, I am learning to accept that, if God doesn't move the mountain away, He is probably teaching me to climb it to the other end. I am also learning that life and every day of it is a continuous process of submission to God and his will no matter what it appears to be to us or how we feel/perceive about it. Requires a lot of faith and attaching ourselves to His word, the truth. This surely is an uphill battle to people suffering from mental illness.

But, when God said my grace is sufficient, He very well knew what He is signing up for. He is well aware that he promised a grace that will be sufficient for all his children even those who suffer from mental illness. We are covered. That truth comforts me, puts me back on track even after the worst depression episode. I consciously try hard, pray over and gather all my strength to just keep my relationship with the Lord afloat during times of my depression. God is helping me there. Earlier my anger, hurt and sadness was targeted at God too and it used to take painstaking few weeks/months to get back to the Him.

I believe, being transformed into Christlikeness is a process and as long as I work with the Lord in progressing towards that goal, I find the journey meaningful and worthwhile, even with depression.

rtodd5011 · Jul 6, 2021

AK1982 said:
Earlier my anger, hurt and sadness was targeted at God too and it used to take painstaking few weeks/months to get back to the Him

For me when i was younger I did target those same feelings toward God. I came to the point where I targeted those feelings at the people at church not necessarily God. It seems that teachings and my belief system from the denomination I always felt drawn to since the age of 18 has been derailed and shattered mostly. This time it is really tough come back from that. I know that God truly loves me and cares. That is where I believe I need to focus and base my spiritual life from standpoint. Thanks for sharing this. It is helpful to see things from other peoples perspectives.

rtodd5011 · Jul 9, 2021

Hi, I wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing? How is your book coming along?

Take care,
Richard

Jaxxi · Jul 22, 2021

rtodd5011 said:
I have been plagued with mental health issues since my early teenage years. In 2002 I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and put on Abilify which helped for the most part with that medicine when it was properly managed. I have as well been dealing with depression as well through the years. But have struggled with many different antidepressants. In 2018 I got help to put together and publish a book about my past and present mental health issues but in the book I did go into details that transpired before the age of 18. Well currently, over a two month period I spiraled into a severe depression. The only thing that helps me to daily cope is to write about all this. During this time I completely got off all my meds which I honestly do not condom this type of behavior and do not advise getting off your medicine. Antidressants make me zone out and sleep all the time. During these last 3 months I do not seem to be any schizohrenic symptoms...no voices, hallucinations or delusions. There is some paranoia but not extreme.

I have been reaching out and found a therapist in my area that will take my insurance. My first appointment is July 10th. I am hoping she will give me better ways to cope instead of withdrawing and isolating from the world and my battle with depression. These are ways I have coped since my teenage years.

I will some some about my teenage years...there was trauma and sexual issues with me that were swept under the rug and never discussed or dwelt with. I buried these events in my mind but to this day the memories are there and probably always will be. I did not know how else to deal with them except hid them and keep them secret. I have always separated what happened during my teens with my battle with mental illness, but a part of me will always wonder if they are somehow connected. I am not sure or if this fits other peoples situation. I realize this is my journey, my story and no two people deal with things the same way.

As a teen I never acted out and did not have much of a life in those days. I kept it all inside and that was not good for me. It was the only way I knew how to cope at that time and still do to some extent. As I have got older and have a passion for writing I have learned how to bear my soul and learned to open up. I want to open up to my therapist about my teen age years. That is a whole chapter of my life that got passed over and not looked at deeper. What I have wrote about in the post is the only way I can seem to rationalize my life at this point.

Thanks for reading this and feel free to share how you perceive all this mess of my life. I would like to know what you think.

Let your therapist read what you wrote. It might be easier to give them that instead of reliving it and telling them face to face. That way you can approach the trauma and questions from a calmer state rather than being frantic from having relived it. Also honey you need to forgive yourself and stop carrying their shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of- put that burden where it belongs. That is their shame to carry..Has it manifested into an attraction of the same nature where as you would be the perpetrator if you acted on it? This happens in a large number of cases from carrying repressed guilt and shame. It is so bizarre that it would manifest into that but unless you get rid of that shame it might. If that happens it is not your fault but you do need counseling for it.

Unqualified · Jul 26, 2021

I found writing helped after diagnosed. And you re right you do find your voice and can define what you are feeling. That was a good base to learn and grow and communicate. My first step. But nothing helped like following the Lord and reading and writing about the Bible. I have about 800 short messages and poems to publish if I will do the work, differentiate and get a break. All stuff on a reality level and not delving into a troubled mind. As you say people have to relate to it to buy it.

rtodd5011 · Jul 26, 2021

I just got out of inpatient treatment today. I have been there most of this month. I did request Prozac and on 20 miligrams. They put me back on Abilify as well. I am better and have a appointment on the 28th of July. I am still looking into intensive therapy. I do have more of a optimistic outlook on life and hope to rebuild on my relationship with Jesus.....one step at a time with His help!

Unqualified · Jul 26, 2021

rtodd5011 said:
I just got out of inpatient treatment today. I have been there most of this month. I did request Prozac and on 20 miligrams. They put me back on Abilify as well. I am better and have a appointment on the 28th of July. I am still looking into intensive therapy. I do have more of a optimistic outlook on life and hope to rebuild on my relationship with Jesus.....one step at a time with His help!

yes you can talk out your stuff with a psychiatrist but with Jesus you can talk out everything till you understand in the light of scripture. Write something about it all and put it in perspective.
Jesus Loves You. Pray for God to give you faith, but don’t isolate yourself.

My Current Condition and Line of Thinking...

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