Advice for dating with differences in faith level…

Hello & welcome @PiperKate.

Does your church have a men's prayer group and/or Bible study?
Does your church offer premarital counseling?

I'd suggest that you make a list of what things you would expect to see in a potential husband who is living his faith adequately. (Eg. church attendance, devotional habits, service, giving etc; whatever it is that you expect as markers of a passionate faith). And then reflect prayerfully on whether your expectations are reasonable and appropriate, or whether more flexibility in your expectations is called for.

I'd also question the emphasis you're placing on him taking a leadership role, and what "leadership" in a husband looks like and means to you. Only after being clear about all of that for yourself, would I consider raising it with him.

Changing someone on the inside is up to God, especially in the areas that you touched on.

It's also good to note that due to chemical changes in the body as we age, attitudes can drastically change from decade to decade.

Sometimes it seems singles expect pastor level behavior from their suitors and are disappointed when they realize he’s mortal not superman.

Faith is a lot like ballet. We’re awkward in the beginning and slow going. We stumble and fall. But with continued practice we improve. Our steps are sure and we move a little faster. And one day the swan emerges.

That doesn’t happen overnight for anyone.

~bella

You're right in expecting him to be the spiritual leader of the family I Cor 11

.But you want him to pursue God because he wants to - not only to please you.

Also, encourage you to watch "Marriage Today." He has a Biblical understanding of this issue.

Their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 eqisodes about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds of "Marriage Today" episodes on youtube.

PiperKate said:

TLR; how do I Biblically encourage and discuss faith/leadership with my boyfriend, as a woman who has more…active faith?

am 27F and I recently started dating a 36M. At the beginning, we established our faith generally and it was promising—he had his moment where he truly met Christ, outside of the cultural Christianity he was raised in.

After 6 dates, we had the DTR talk, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. To be honest, we hadn’t talked a lot deeper about faith (I put it up to the language barrier and age, as we are from different cultures.)

It’s been two weeks since we made it official, and as we’ve been talking more, I’ve noticed…my faith seems to be more…”passionate” than his, for lack of a better word. He only reads the Word on Sunday, doesn’t really have community (although there isn’t a group his age at his church). I have also noticed he relies a lot on his family/mom for spiritual advice—to the point if he needs Scripture for a certain situation, he always asks her instead of searching himself.

I don’t want to judge his heart—no one is perfect, and my faith definitely has ups and downs. But prayerfully comparing our community, prayer, Scripture…there seems to be an imbalance.

I’m not sure how to proceed. I know the man is supposed to be the faith leader, and I want to encourage him and have talks about acting out faith/leading without becoming the leader myself…if that makes sense.

After prayer and counsel with friends, I feel led to give it a month at least—see if this is a season he is in, or if it is something that lasts and God deems to end. (I really like him as a person and could see us growing together, but I know we can’t date for potential…)

I pray that God grows us toward him no matter what happens, but the next steps to take…how to talk to him…I have no idea. Any advice would be appreciated. (or truth if I am viewing something unbiblically!)

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Set time aside for the two of you to study the bible together ..... that way you will grow together and then you can decide whether to move on with the relationship or not. See if he would be open to the two of you studying together.

PiperKate said:

At the beginning, we established our faith generally and it was promising—he had his moment where he truly met Christ, outside of the cultural Christianity he was raised in.

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Did you encourage this at all? Either directly, or by mentioning a need for him (or any guy you would date) to do this before you got together?

PiperKate said:

TLR; how do I Biblically encourage and discuss faith/leadership with my boyfriend, as a woman who has more…active faith?

am 27F and I recently started dating a 36M. At the beginning, we established our faith generally and it was promising—he had his moment where he truly met Christ, outside of the cultural Christianity he was raised in.

After 6 dates, we had the DTR talk, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. To be honest, we hadn’t talked a lot deeper about faith (I put it up to the language barrier and age, as we are from different cultures.)

It’s been two weeks since we made it official, and as we’ve been talking more, I’ve noticed…my faith seems to be more…”passionate” than his, for lack of a better word. He only reads the Word on Sunday, doesn’t really have community (although there isn’t a group his age at his church). I have also noticed he relies a lot on his family/mom for spiritual advice—to the point if he needs Scripture for a certain situation, he always asks her instead of searching himself.

I don’t want to judge his heart—no one is perfect, and my faith definitely has ups and downs. But prayerfully comparing our community, prayer, Scripture…there seems to be an imbalance.

I’m not sure how to proceed. I know the man is supposed to be the faith leader, and I want to encourage him and have talks about acting out faith/leading without becoming the leader myself…if that makes sense.

After prayer and counsel with friends, I feel led to give it a month at least—see if this is a season he is in, or if it is something that lasts and God deems to end. (I really like him as a person and could see us growing together, but I know we can’t date for potential…)

I pray that God grows us toward him no matter what happens, but the next steps to take…how to talk to him…I have no idea. Any advice would be appreciated. (or truth if I am viewing something unbiblically!)

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Welcome! I agree you can not judge his heart towards our Father. What you can do is judge his fruit through His Holy Spirit. Be blessed.

Sounds to me like you are carrying a lot of evangelical baggage. You probably need to jettison some of that to have a productive cross cultural relationship.

PiperKate said:

we had the DTR talk

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Possibly six dates was too soon to define your relationship. Because we grow in Jesus; and later we discover things that God has had in mind; as we grow in Christ, we become able to see and do what we could not understand while we were younger children of God.

Also, it can be good to share with other Christians, especially ones more mature than you . . . so these mature people can help you with your relating and help you to make sure with God about things.

PiperKate said:

TLR; how do I Biblically encourage and discuss faith/leadership with my boyfriend, as a woman who has more…active faith?

am 27F and I recently started dating a 36M. At the beginning, we established our faith generally and it was promising—he had his moment where he truly met Christ, outside of the cultural Christianity he was raised in.

After 6 dates, we had the DTR talk, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. To be honest, we hadn’t talked a lot deeper about faith (I put it up to the language barrier and age, as we are from different cultures.)

It’s been two weeks since we made it official, and as we’ve been talking more, I’ve noticed…my faith seems to be more…”passionate” than his, for lack of a better word. He only reads the Word on Sunday, doesn’t really have community (although there isn’t a group his age at his church). I have also noticed he relies a lot on his family/mom for spiritual advice—to the point if he needs Scripture for a certain situation, he always asks her instead of searching himself.

I don’t want to judge his heart—no one is perfect, and my faith definitely has ups and downs. But prayerfully comparing our community, prayer, Scripture…there seems to be an imbalance.

I’m not sure how to proceed. I know the man is supposed to be the faith leader, and I want to encourage him and have talks about acting out faith/leading without becoming the leader myself…if that makes sense.

After prayer and counsel with friends, I feel led to give it a month at least—see if this is a season he is in, or if it is something that lasts and God deems to end. (I really like him as a person and could see us growing together, but I know we can’t date for potential…)

I pray that God grows us toward him no matter what happens, but the next steps to take…how to talk to him…I have no idea. Any advice would be appreciated. (or truth if I am viewing something unbiblically!)

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Men can be very reserved for no more reason than personal psychological reasons. Then when the 'reason' is removed they can become very different men. However, Spiritual predications are more likely to make any relationship malformed even when a man is a sometime brute when it comes to being sensitive. Love is the real separator of how your relationship will go - and I am afraid that God won't be interfering in that - you will have to see Christ in him and likewise [he see] Christ in you before God will help to shape your marriage. I assume you do wish to marry one day - so no point in speaking about things as though we were on a fishing trip and then being surprised because we catch a fish.

Apart from using your common sense over matters of [him] respecting you as a person and being sufficiently sensitive to your needs as a woman - it's his mother that you need to be aware of. And I say that with a full sense of knowing that we must honour our father and our mother. But as his future wife you need to be able to share with him and do so in a true authority of knowing you are sharing the truth of God in marriage and faith and not fearfully believing that you are somehow taking the lead because you can discern something he cannot discern. He needs to grow spiritually and you can be his help meet in that endeavour. Just watch to make sure that when he matures you don't want to wear his trousers.

PiperKate said:

TLR; how do I Biblically encourage and discuss faith/leadership with my boyfriend, as a woman who has more…active faith?

am 27F and I recently started dating a 36M. At the beginning, we established our faith generally and it was promising—he had his moment where he truly met Christ, outside of the cultural Christianity he was raised in.

After 6 dates, we had the DTR talk, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. To be honest, we hadn’t talked a lot deeper about faith (I put it up to the language barrier and age, as we are from different cultures.)

It’s been two weeks since we made it official, and as we’ve been talking more, I’ve noticed…my faith seems to be more…”passionate” than his, for lack of a better word. He only reads the Word on Sunday, doesn’t really have community (although there isn’t a group his age at his church). I have also noticed he relies a lot on his family/mom for spiritual advice—to the point if he needs Scripture for a certain situation, he always asks her instead of searching himself.

I don’t want to judge his heart—no one is perfect, and my faith definitely has ups and downs. But prayerfully comparing our community, prayer, Scripture…there seems to be an imbalance.

I’m not sure how to proceed. I know the man is supposed to be the faith leader, and I want to encourage him and have talks about acting out faith/leading without becoming the leader myself…if that makes sense.

After prayer and counsel with friends, I feel led to give it a month at least—see if this is a season he is in, or if it is something that lasts and God deems to end. (I really like him as a person and could see us growing together, but I know we can’t date for potential…)

I pray that God grows us toward him no matter what happens, but the next steps to take…how to talk to him…I have no idea. Any advice would be appreciated. (or truth if I am viewing something unbiblically!)

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Dear one,
This is what you can do to encourage your boyfriend in the faith, by asking him what he considers what Jesus have said before He was taken from the apostles and a cloud received Him out of their sight.

That Jesus said:
And while staying with them he ordered them not to depart from Jerusalem, but to wait for the promise of the Father, which, he said, "you heard from me; -Acts 1:4

for John baptized with water, but you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit not many days from now." -Acts 1:5

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." -Acts 1:8

Dear one,
You can ask your boyfriend many things for him to consider about faith and leadership.
How did apostles obtain precious faith? Have he considered himself to have the precious faith ? How did faithful men and women of God in the Bible being lead by the Holy Spirit?
Have he considered himself that the Holy Spirit is a leader who leads him ? So, they are many ways you can ask him to consider about faith that he has and leadership that he might perceive and may not have perceived from the Holy Spirit.

Just trust the leading of the Holy Spirit, He will lead you both aright.

May the grace of God be with you all. Amen.

PiperKate said:

Biblically encourage and discuss faith/leadership with my boyfriend

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May I suggest two practical ideas.
1/, ask him about which church they should be attending together?
Let him review the available churches, and together you visit them and talk about there good and bad points.
2/ ask him if he would lead you both in a Bible study together and to end your dates with a time of prayer.

Jeffwhosoever said:

Beautiful analogy. You made my heart smile

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Thank you Jeff. I hope you’re well.

~bella

PiperKate said:

TLR; how do I Biblically encourage and discuss faith/leadership with my boyfriend, as a woman who has more…active faith?

am 27F and I recently started dating a 36M. At the beginning, we established our faith generally and it was promising—he had his moment where he truly met Christ, outside of the cultural Christianity he was raised in.

After 6 dates, we had the DTR talk, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. To be honest, we hadn’t talked a lot deeper about faith (I put it up to the language barrier and age, as we are from different cultures.)

It’s been two weeks since we made it official, and as we’ve been talking more, I’ve noticed…my faith seems to be more…”passionate” than his, for lack of a better word. He only reads the Word on Sunday, doesn’t really have community (although there isn’t a group his age at his church). I have also noticed he relies a lot on his family/mom for spiritual advice—to the point if he needs Scripture for a certain situation, he always asks her instead of searching himself.

I don’t want to judge his heart—no one is perfect, and my faith definitely has ups and downs. But prayerfully comparing our community, prayer, Scripture…there seems to be an imbalance.

I’m not sure how to proceed. I know the man is supposed to be the faith leader, and I want to encourage him and have talks about acting out faith/leading without becoming the leader myself…if that makes sense.

After prayer and counsel with friends, I feel led to give it a month at least—see if this is a season he is in, or if it is something that lasts and God deems to end. (I really like him as a person and could see us growing together, but I know we can’t date for potential…)

I pray that God grows us toward him no matter what happens, but the next steps to take…how to talk to him…I have no idea. Any advice would be appreciated. (or truth if I am viewing something unbiblically!)

Click to expand...

Personally I would cool this relationship and have a heart to heart with him on everything you said here. Also, as you have already noticed it's not what people say that matters, its what they do, especially in the honeymoon phase of a relationship where people are more willing to say what they think a new partner wants to hear. After the heart to heart and he agrees to try to be more committed (being that he wants to) I would look at his actions carefully.

If it was me, I would break it off, because we are told to not be unequally yoked. I would look for someone to date that already has the same level of commitment to God. People typically do not change much and its much easier for he to influence you on your faith than the other way around. If God is number one to you, than I would make that choice because dating someone who is less committed can lead to marriage to someone who is less committed that could lead to children who are in a home that is divided. Is this the life you want?

Either way, I wish you well.

God bless.

Dear Piperkate,

How beautiful that you are seeking God in your relationship. Knowing more about each other’s culture may help. I think it is a good thing that he seeks help from his mother, this should set the course for him seeking spiritual growth with his wife. But all of this may be a cultural thing and you certainly want to fulfill your role as a helpmate.

I suggest the book “Ready to Wed.’ for guidance. I am also copying a “Lady in Waiting” prayer guide for you. I am praying that you will find the one God has chosen for you to be a godly leader and rightful spouse in marriage. God bless you and may your future lie in the will and plan of God for your life.

Lady in waiting

1. Matthew 6:33 “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”

As a wife in waiting, you need to be in prayer that your future husband is, above everything else, seeking Christ and His Kingdom FIRST in his life. With all of the busyness and temptations that this world throws at us, it is so hard for men (and women!) to keep God at the forefront of their everyday. Be praying for his heart to desire to be in the Word daily and striving to live a life that pleases the Lord.

2. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Sometimes as you are wondering why you are waiting, your future spouse might be wondering why he is waiting, too. And sometimes that waiting is HARD and it’s difficult to see what God’s plan is in the middle of it all. Be in prayer that God would reveal Himself to your future husband while he waits for you; that he would be reminded that God desires to bring him good and the desires of his heart. Pray that he would cling to God and allow Him to be his fulfillment.

3. Ephesians 5:22-33 “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”

These are a lot of verses, but they are packed full with awesome truth about what you should be praying your marriage will look like; mirroring Christ and His church. While men and women are equal in Christ, we were designed very differently from one another according to what God’s purpose is for our roles in marriage. Be in prayer that your husband will lead your family with Christ at the center, loving you the way that Christ loves the church and that he would be self-sacrificing for you and your family. Let’s face it, the God given responsibilities of being a husband are huge. Be praying that God would give your future husband the strength and heart to do what he is called to do!

4. Proverbs 13:20 “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”

Praying for your future husbands friends and community is another great way to lift him up in prayer before you meet him! The old saying goes, “You are who you hang out with.” I truly believe that that phrase was derived from this Proverb. Be in prayer for the kind of people that he will surround himself with. Pray that they will be a good influence on him and like-minded, striving for Christ in their hearts and their relationships. Be in prayer that he is plugged into a good church home and has a support system of friends he can turn to for encouragement or prayer. And who knows, those friends you pray for now may become your friends someday, too.

5. 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

Praying this verse can cover any multitude of temptations, but today I want to focus on sexual temptation. In our culture today, it is BEYOND difficult to be a man and strive for purity in their heart, mind and body. Sex is thrown at them from every angle, and the devil knows how to get a foothold in their hearts. Be praying that God would help them to flee from any situation that would cause temptation and that they would stay grounded in God’s truth for them as they save themselves until they are married. Want to take it a step further? Pray for the other women who they may be dating now and pray that THEY would help keep them pure until they meet you, also praying that if they have taken things too far that they would see their sin and run from it. It’s hard to do, I had prayed that prayer many times myself before meeting my husband, but God used it to work in my own heart in big ways.

6. 2 Peter 3:18 “Rather, you must grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. All glory to him, both now and forever! Amen.”

Being in prayer for knowledge for your future spouse is so important! Pray that he would be taking time to seek God in time alone with Him, as well as with other believers. Your future husband can’t grow by just sitting around and being stagnant, so pray that he would push himself to study God’s Word and trust in God’s grace in his life.

7. 1 Corinthians 6:19 “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.”

Praying for your future husbands health and physical safety is such a tangible way to be lifting him up. Pray that he would honor God with how he physically conducts himself and that God would protect him wherever he goes.

8. Acts 28:31 “He proclaimed the kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ–with all boldness and without hindrance!”

Pray for BOLDNESS for your future husband! Ultimately, our goal as Christ followers is to go out and tell others about the good news of the Gospel, so pray that he is convicted to share his heart with others with confidence and clarity.

I hope that if you are a wife in waiting that this has encouraged you today. As wives, we have the joy and privilege to be lifting our husbands up in prayer, but it starts long before you say, “I do.” And if you are already married, you can continue to pray these verses over your husband and pray them over your daughter’s future husbands. Prayer is SO KEY in strengthening and building up our marriages; don’t wait another day to start praying for him whose face you don’t yet know while you continue to seek Christ and His will for your life.

There is an expression among the long-distance hiking community to, "Hike your own hike." I think that applies to our Christian walk as well. One person's experience, belief, and practice may not be exactly like the next person's. We all meet God in our own way, time, and space.

Good relationships tolerate differences. Trying to re-make someone into what we would like them to be almost never works. Minor things can be negotiated, major things not so much. If you can't find a way to be at peace with the differences between you perhaps you should consider moving along.

(And, I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a pointy stick than try to lead my wife in Bible study and prayer every night - that is if she didn't poke me first. We've been married 47 years because we respect that we're not the same person).