My brother borrowed money from me(2nd time) now, this time he hasn't paid me back.

Hannah66 · Jul 10, 2021

******UPDATE****

I said to the Lord, ok, I don't want this to come between me and my relationship with my brother and his wife. I am willing to give this up. My relationship is more important then money. Within five minutes my sister inlaw phoned me and confirmed my bank details and deposited money into account. I think this was a test from the Lord to see where my heart was. I am grateful God is Good all the time. He had to work on my heart in this situation. Thanks to those who prayed and posted replies.

I have a good relationship with my older brother. He has been a good emotional support to me over the years. I don't want anything to come between us.

However, he borrowed just over $900 from me some months ago but he did pay be back within a few weeks.
He told me he and his wife are financially supporting her family overseas, her family have lost their incomes due to covid. I appreciate they have chosen to support them. But now, that puts them in a difficult spot and they don't always have the funds to pay for important things.

I am not working and I live off a small amount of money from the government which pays for my rent and I live off my savings which isn't a lot.

He borrowed money again from me, $250 and told me they would pay me back on 26 June.
I lent the money to them on 20 June.
He asked me on 25 June if his wife had put the money into my account.
I replied, 'no, because he told me it was going in on 26 June.
It didn't go into my account on 26 June.
I thought, perhaps, they may have entered wrong banking details so I told my brother on the following Tuesday that the money had not gone into my account, thinking perhaps the a/c details were incorrect.
He said, "Oh, do you need the money right now?"
I replied, "No, not right now but I have some bills coming up".
I felt so bad for asking. He told me he would ask his wife if she had put the money into my account and he would get back to me via email.
Well, he has been emailing me about different things, talking about the weather, work, other things but not the payment or mentioned asking his wife about the money.

I have a few bills coming up.
I don't feel comfortable in asking him again as I know it will affect our relationship.
But, I also feel, it's affecting the relationship because I feel a bit 'used'.
I have been praying that he would let me know what is happening.
If they are still struggling financially, I would hope they could tell me and I am ok - then I am not in the dark. Even if they paid it off over instalments.
They are both working full time with well-paying jobs.
He did tell me his wife was planning to go to fish market the other day to buy 3 months supply of fish and then again, today, she was buying lot of organic fruit and vegetables. So, at least they have some money. They are paying rent like me.

I don't want to come across as a greedy person.
I live simply. I don't go out, or spend money at the movies, holidays, eating out.
I basically in survival and just pay my bills.

I don't know if I could lend money again to him. I feel as though i may be enabling them if they are not budgeting..and seeing me as a place of rescue for their money troubles.

Some, have said, 'just let it go' because you want to keep a good relationship wtih your brother and his wife.
They are both christians like me.

I know they are helping their family overseas and that is important.
I, at least have a roof over my head. I am paying rent. i have a lot to be grateful for.

Any suggestions what to do? I am praying about this as well. Thank you.

All4Christ · Jul 10, 2021

In the title, you mentioned 2nd time but in the description, it sounds like your brother paid the first loan back. Can you confirm if he has skipped paying you back two times or if the last time was the only one that he didn’t pay back in a timely manner?

I would talk to him and be honest. It could very well be something going on (even other than financial reasons) that caused this or even just forgetfulness. It may not be intentional. I asked about the “two times not paying back” above since it would indicate a pattern of not paying back.

You could let him know that you need the money for your own household bills and possibly ask him to let you know if there is something going on that is causing trouble for him to return the money. Holding your frustration in will likely be toxic for the relationship. Discuss this all in love though. First and foremost, pray about it before talking to him.

Albion · Jul 10, 2021

Hannah66 said:
However, he borrowed just over $900 from me some months ago but he did pay be back within a few weeks.
He told me he and his wife are financially supporting her family overseas, her family have lost their incomes due to covid. I appreciate they have chosen to support them. But now, that puts them in a difficult spot and they don't always have the funds to pay for important things.

I am not working and I live off a small amount of money from the government which pays for my rent and I live off my savings which isn't a lot.

He borrowed money again from me, $250 and told me they would pay me back on 26 June.

I have a few bills coming up.
I don't feel comfortable in asking him again as I know it will affect our relationship.
But, I also feel, it's affecting the relationship because I feel a bit 'used'.
I have been praying that he would let me know what is happening.

Much of this is predictable. Almost guaranteed in these kinds of situations.

I don't want to come across as a greedy person.
I live simply. I don't go out, or spend money at the movies, holidays, eating out.
I basically in survival and just pay my bills.

You'd think he would be aware of this. But still, let's not decide what to do just yet.

Some, have said, 'just let it go' because you want to keep a good relationship wtih your brother and his wife.
They are both christians like me.

That might be the price you'd pay for a continued friendship. However, that doesn't mean that you SHOULD just let it go for the sake of the relationship or even as a matter of your religious faith.

The one extra factor with this situation may be that, based on your description of the matter, he's aiming to pay you back but is embarrassed at present because something is holding it up. If that is so, you still deserve an honest explanation.

I know they are helping their family overseas and that is important.

Yes, but not under the circumstances under which he asked you for the loan and you agreed to give it.

Any suggestions?

You could be patient a little longer while also telling him you really could use the repayment without more delay and a forthright explanation about why he's late. You deserve this at the least, and I don't mean something as vague as "money is tight" or "the relatives are struggling." All of that was known when he asked for the loan in the first place.

You shouldn't let him think that the passing of time will make you put it out of your mind and the relationship can just proceed without this being mentioned ever again.

Finally, whatever happens in the short run, resolve not to loan him money again in any significant amount. That may sound harsh, but it often is the best way to keep the relationship mutual and friendly.

The Narrow Way · Jul 10, 2021

I agree with Albion.... Determine to not lend him any more $$$. I would kindly let him know that this has ALREADY hurt the relationship....and if he wants to REPAIR the relationship, he needs to be responsible and pay back what he borrowed.

Sketcher · Jul 10, 2021

Is this government assistance that you're getting temporary?

Hannah66 · Jul 10, 2021

Sketcher said:
Is this government assistance that you're getting temporary?

hi! No, I have a disability and receiving financial support from Government. It isn't temporary.

Greengardener · Jul 10, 2021

Hannah, it looks like some sensible people have given you good things to think about ahead of me. This is what comes to mind when I read your post, for what it's worth to you. It's several questions that might help this look clearer, because we often confuse what love looks like, and of course you want the relationship you have with your brother to keep going in a good way.

When you say your brother "borrowed" money, did you choose to lend it to him or did he just help himself?

If you borrowed money from someone, would you have a plan to pay them back like you told them - or would you buy yourself other stuff before paying the money back? Is there a reason your brother can't be held to the same standard?

If he tells you a convincing story, does it change your need to pay your bills?

If you put up the boundary that you aren't in a position to lend him money, is he really such a creep that he would drop the relationship?

Hopefully this will go well.

Joined2krist · Jul 10, 2021

He ought to be more considerate especially as he knows you are on disability allowance and aren't working, if you can't pay your bills and end up losing your house is he willing to accommodate you?

tturt · Jul 11, 2021

What I see is - Him saying taking care of extended family needs - that's just an excuse. His family is going about doing what they want such as buying organic products which are more expensive than non-organic and three mon of groceries while you are being very conservative.

Just be business about this - It's been 3 wks and they haven't paid you so address the elephant in the room. He knows they owe you and they gotten paid since Jun 20.

At this point - hope you have some savings. Urge you to not tell him if you do.

Jeffwhosoever · Jul 12, 2021

Be firm with this situation. You are not in a position to give away $900 and if the promise was near term repayment, you are not doing harm by asking for what is fair and just. If there is a problem with paying it all at once, perhaps you could get $300 in 3 payments based on when your bills are due and when income is received by your lendee?

Confused-by-christianity · Jul 12, 2021

Hannah66 said:
Any suggestions what to do? I am praying about this as well. Thank you.

I don't know what you should do.

I love my brother, but, I know if I lend him money - I'm not getting paid back haha That's what brothers are for !!!

I used to lend him money often without ever getting paid back - I never held it against him but I stopped loaning the money.

So, since I know I will be essentially "giving" him money - the question is, can I afford that. I can't. So I say "sorry mate - I haven't got any money - I'm broke too". Which is true.

If I thought we as a family were getting into serious trouble with money - I would hope we could all pull together and look after each other (but I doubt that would mean lending money - I'd think more of moving in and sharing the bills or something??)

bluegot · Jul 12, 2021

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it's a hard one. First of all, I would decide to not loan money again in the future. Tell them that you have bills to and cannot afford any more. I am suspect that they haven't paid you back but are buying organic food etc... I would be honest with him and tell him how you feel. Otherwise you may become bitter and that is not good in any sense. Hopefully you get your money back before it causes you problems.

I had something like this happen to me. My brother asked to be put on my family cell phone plan because he was unemployed. I agreed, and told him what he would owe me every month. Well, he never willingly paid unless I prodded him. He was always very cranky about it. So.. I canceled him on my plan and told him why. He was not happy but at least he was forced to pay for his own phone then.

I do not lend money to anyone, it always causes hard feelings.

Hannah66 · Jul 17, 2021

UPDATE ON THIS SITUATION. ALL PRAISE AND GLORY TO GOD. A few days ago, I decided to let it go. I told the Lord, I think my relationship with my brother is more important. It's just money and my love for him is greater then money. Within 5 minutes of saying that, I received a phone call from my sister inlaw confirming my bank details. They deposited the money into my account. I think God was testing me and my relationship to money, which he does provide.

Albion · Jul 17, 2021

I do not think God was testing you, but that your brother was embarrassed, as was suggested, and you were patient for a little while longer, as was also suggested.

Nevertheless, we are all happy that it worked out for you and also that you have such a strong sense of the importance of family.

Hannah66 · Jul 17, 2021

Albion said:
I do not think God was testing you, but that your brother was embarrassed, as was suggested, and you were patient for a little while longer, as was also suggested.

Nevertheless, we are all happy that it worked out for you and also that you have such a strong sense of the importance of family.

thanks - I discovered they get paid monthly. It would have been good if he had told me earlier, but's all good now, thank you.

My brother borrowed money from me(2nd time) now, this time he hasn't paid me back.

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