Divorce is not the unforgivable sin

fbow · Jul 4, 2020

1watchman said:
One might consider two alternatives as in Prov.21:19 and Eph. 5:21-33. Keep in mind too that reconciliation after a time of separation is always an option.
Much prayer is needed, as you no doubt realize, and I will pray for you too. Look up always!

Ah yes, I had forgotten about Proverbs 21:19 (and also 21:9). I'll meditate on those verses. When we got married, we both said Ephesians 5:21-33 was how we wanted marriage to work. Clearly we both think the other isn't doing their part.

fbow · Jul 4, 2020

NerdGirl123 said:
I'm taking life one day at a time. My tentative plan is to find an apartment and take some time away to pray and consider what I should do. I don't think this marriage is what God wanted for me. It's been a struggle since the start, and I ignored a lot of red flags and warning signs before getting married. I've detailed a lot of that in another thread, so I won't repeat it all here. I gave it all I had and did the best I could, but with every day, week, month, year that passes, my husband becomes less and less of the man I thought I married, and I grow more and more depressed and miserable. There has to be a breaking point somewhere. This isn't "living", this is existing, and it's a very stressful, unhealthy existence for me.

Your wife is lucky that you love her so much and are willing to try so hard for her

Hello NerdGirl123, I went back and read through your older posts and decided to reply here. I now better understand what you're going through and I am so sorry for your situation. Even with Covid, is it still possible to move into an apartment? Of course I don't know your whole situation but I know someone who recently moved into a new apartment a couple of days ago. I am praying for you and your son.

As for me, I'm reading more on strategies for dealing with such people and I'm trying them out, it's going to be especially hard for the next few days/weeks as she is already trying to provoke me especially hard since she's not getting what she's used to getting from me.

NerdGirl · Jul 6, 2020

fbow said:
Hello NerdGirl123, I went back and read through your older posts and decided to reply here. I now better understand what you're going through and I am so sorry for your situation. Even with Covid, is it still possible to move into an apartment? Of course I don't know your whole situation but I know someone who recently moved into a new apartment a couple of days ago. I am praying for you and your son.

As for me, I'm reading more on strategies for dealing with such people and I'm trying them out, it's going to be especially hard for the next few days/weeks as she is already trying to provoke me especially hard since she's not getting what she's used to getting from me.

Thanks for your kind words! I've contacted three separate apartment offices, but after putting in applications, I've had no response. I call them about once a week for an update, but no one answers, so I leave messages. I know things are slow and complicated because the Covid situation is still ongoing. I do have faith that God is working behind the scenes on my behalf, and I try to be as patience as I can. Thank you for your prayers.

And I do think it's wise to allow for reconciliation, even after separation or even divorce occurs. I have no plans to run off and find another husband. I honestly don't know if I'd ever have the courage to put myself into this position again, after the heartache and misery and broken trust I've endured. But if God were to lay it on my heart to seek my husband out again, and vice versa, then so be it. For now, I need space to breathe, to think, to be alone, and remember who I am, if I can. From there, God will lead. My personal gut feeling is that this marriage was done badly from the start, and we've reaped the consequences ever since. "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it." Unless the Lord put your marriage together, you may very well be laboring in vain, with the best intentions. If I went into this marriage with a pure heart and zero secrets, but my husband went into it hiding things from me, serious things that have damaged our lives ever since, then I don't see that as the Lord building this house.

fbow · Apr 20, 2021

An update about 10 months later.

During the summer, my wife would end up putting my mom in the ER twice with [actual symptoms removed for privacy] by calling her [my mom] in the middle of our (my wife and my) fights and yelling at her (my mom!) about what a horrible son she raised and to make me stop arguing with her. My mom is hyper sensitive and wasn't in the best of health to begin with. After the first time this happened, I pleaded with her to leave my mom out of it but she promised to do it again if needed and she definitely did. Only after our therapist pleaded with her to not call my mom, did she agree to try to not call my mom. (she never actually promises anything, only that she'll try) My mom has survived but her health is very frail now. And to this day, my wife doesn't think she did anything wrong and has said she'll never apologize to my mom ever.

Despite that, things improved in the marriage afterwards but now things are turning south again.

I now work insane hours (9am to 1am is my regular day) at a demanding job although help is on the way but my stay-at-home wife spends 10 hours a day on her phone and takes at least 1 nap every day is unwilling to help with our chore split. I still have my share of the housework, she does do her tasks but most of the day, our kid plays by themself with my wife watching Youtube, (or shopping or looking at facebook etc.) lounged on the sofa. My wife actually tells me she has more work then I do and tries to push more of her tasks onto me.

If I think about what she has done to my mom, I wonder why I'm still with her. But I feel God is leading me to restart couple's therapy again. It seems like we may constantly need to spend $$$ on couples' therapy once or twice a year.

mkgal1 · Apr 20, 2021

If you're working such long hours.....do you work from home? If not.....how do you know these details?

fbow said:
my stay-at-home wife spends 10 hours a day on her phone

fbow said:
takes at least 1 nap every day

fbow said:
is unwilling to help with our chore split.

fbow said:
she does do her tasks but most of the day, our kid plays by themself with my wife watching Youtube, (or shopping or looking at facebook etc.) lounged on the sofa

fbow · Apr 20, 2021

mkgal1 said:
If you're working such long hours.....do you work from home? If not.....how do you know these details?

Yes, I work from home.

fbow · May 22, 2021

It's getting worse, now I'm fearing for our young child's well being. My wife seems really mentally ill and is now yelling at our child and yelling at me with our child in her arms while our child is terrified. I am really lost as to how to proceed, if I call CPS, she will almost certainly lie and blame me for some made up act.

In the past, she has recorded herself on video saying 'why are you pushing me' when I'm not even touching her as some "evidence". She has also written in her journal that I have hit and kicked her and tells me as she's writing it down. (I have never even laid a hand on her) She has repeatedly threatened to call the cops in the past during our fights as some kind of a threat to get me to give in to her and I feel like the cops will just listen to her if she starts crying (which she can do on cue) and I'll end up in jail.

Dear God, please give me strength.

Abide with me. · May 23, 2021

fbow said:
It's getting worse, now I'm fearing for our young child's well being. My wife seems really mentally ill and is now yelling at our child and yelling at me with our child in her arms while our child is terrified. I am really lost as to how to proceed, if I call CPS, she will almost certainly lie and blame me for some made up act.

In the past, she has recorded herself on video saying 'why are you pushing me' when I'm not even touching her as some "evidence". She has also written in her journal that I have hit and kicked her and tells me as she's writing it down. (I have never even laid a hand on her) She has repeatedly threatened to call the cops in the past during our fights as some kind of a threat to get me to give in to her and I feel like the cops will just listen to her if she starts crying (which she can do on cue) and I'll end up in jail.

Dear God, please give me strength.

Dear fbow,
I must say I was concerned in one of your earlier posts that you had decided to follow advice to support her no matter what, I didn't think this was good advice as it would put an intolerable burden on you whilst absolving your wife of any responsibility, and may even result in appearing to endorse her unstable behaviour.
But this last post is truly alarming! Not only for your baby's safety but also the trouble she seems to be brewing for you.
I'm surprised you haven't at the very least taken a break from her in order to think things over clearly as has been suggested by a previous poster.
Whatever the problems are in your marriage, it doesn't seem to be getting solved by gritting your teeth and enduring it.
I stayed with my first husband because I promised God I would, he, and that marriage nearly killed me, and if I'd stayed I may have become another crime statistic.
Most people have their breaking points, mine came after a nervous breakdown, but even then it was really only the realisation that things would never, ever change, and would definitely wreck my life and probably kill me, I don't know if you have, or will reach your breaking point?
But I wonder what is making you stay? Do you think she's safe to be around your baby when you're not there?

JoelQ · Jun 27, 2021

I think all sins are forgivable (and all things are possible). Suicide might not be forgivable, I'm not sure. Can you ask to be forgiven if you are dead?

Check out this book and see how narcissistic your wife is

Rethinking Narcissism : The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists

I have a plan to get a bigger place and move there on my own, and tell her she can live there (in separate rooms) and just try to never see eachother, and it won't technically be a divorce. You can also tell her you don't want her to live there but you will allow it, but none of her worthless [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] can come along. The more brutally honest you are the better it will be. Either she lifts a finger and makes an effort or she choose otherwise and leaves.

JoelQ · Jun 27, 2021

You will think this is stupid, but try to get her to take vitamins. Especially niacin (B3). They are known to cause serious problems.

JoelQ · Jun 27, 2021

Abide with me. said:
Dear fbow,
I must say I was concerned in one of your earlier posts that you had decided to follow advice to support her no matter what, I didn't think this was good advice as it would put an intolerable burden on you whilst absolving your wife of any responsibility, and may even result in appearing to endorse her unstable behaviour.
But this last post is truly alarming! Not only for your baby's safety but also the trouble she seems to be brewing for you.
I'm surprised you haven't at the very least taken a break from her in order to think things over clearly as has been suggested by a previous poster.
Whatever the problems are in your marriage, it doesn't seem to be getting solved by gritting your teeth and enduring it.
I stayed with my first husband because I promised God I would, he, and that marriage nearly killed me, and if I'd stayed I may have become another crime statistic.
Most people have their breaking points, mine came after a nervous breakdown, but even then it was really only the realisation that things would never, ever change, and would definitely wreck my life and probably kill me, I don't know if you have, or will reach your breaking point?
But I wonder what is making you stay? Do you think she's safe to be around your baby when you're not there?

Thanks for sharing. Is it hard dealing with the fallout pertaining to your relationship with God?

Also you are right about that endorsement comment. Narcissists think that if you are constaning telling them how full of crap they are, they assume you are on board with what they are saying. I guess they can't understand how they sound to other people. This could also explain why they tell ridiculous stories and don't understand how obviously fake they are.

Abide with me. · Jun 27, 2021

JoelQ said:
Thanks for sharing. Is it hard dealing with the fallout pertaining to your relationship with God?

Also you are right about that endorsement comment. Narcissists think that if you are constaning telling them how full of crap they are, they assume you are on board with what they are saying. I guess they can't understand how they sound to other people. This could also explain why they tell ridiculous stories and don't understand how obviously fake they are.

Pertaining to my relationship with God when I left my fist husband, it was really hard, a promise is a promise, and I made myself ill trying to keep it until I came to the conclusion that this marriage was made in hell in the first place, in fact I became inexplicably morbid a few days before the wedding and looking back I think God was trying to warn me against marrying this man, but the fact is, my head and heart chose to marry him, if I had prayed more at the time I think I would have been guided away from having anything to do with him, my lesson from all this is that God knows best, and I usually mess things up left up to my own device's, and I actually think God guided me out of that marriage but I ignored all the alarm bells ringing in my head because of a bad decision I made.
I don't know where you are in your marriage right now, but please tell me your baby is safe?

fbow · Dec 12, 2021

Abide with me. said:
Pertaining to my relationship with God when I left my fist husband, it was really hard, a promise is a promise, and I made myself ill trying to keep it until I came to the conclusion that this marriage was made in hell in the first place, in fact I became inexplicably morbid a few days before the wedding and looking back I think God was trying to warn me against marrying this man, but the fact is, my head and heart chose to marry him, if I had prayed more at the time I think I would have been guided away from having anything to do with him, my lesson from all this is that God knows best, and I usually mess things up left up to my own device's, and I actually think God guided me out of that marriage but I ignored all the alarm bells ringing in my head because of a bad decision I made.
I don't know where you are in your marriage right now, but please tell me your baby is safe?

You were responding to someone else

but our baby is now a toddler and is safe. I still live with my wife but I have started to look for family law attorneys to explore my options and how to protect myself. It seems like most legal advice says to never leave the house (as the man) as that can be considered abandonment and can work against me.

I saw another thread on here where someone said divorce isn't the sin but remarrying is. An interesting thought but the Bible does say 'what God has joined together, let not man separate'.

fbow · Nov 10, 2023

Yes, I am bumping an old thread but I wanted to provide an update to help even 1 person reading this in the future somehow.

It's been almost 3.5 years since my first post and today my marriage is in a much better state, I would even say mostly stable. We still fight occasionally of course but we are able to talk it over and make up quickly.

But how did we get here from where we were....

I eventually did get a lawyer (who happened to be Christian although I wasn't particularly looking for one) and actually filed for divorce. I told her that I wanted a divorce in our pastor's office as I feared what she would do if I told her alone. Her first words were: "what will I tell my family and friends", "all the paperwork and hassle to deal with".

The order of events and timelines are all jumbled up but in general, both of them were trying to get me to change my mind, I asked for some time alone to think and pray so my wife took our daughter to her mom's for 1 day. (A far cry from an actual separation that I had wanted at some point). We met with a Christian marriage counselor regularly. I asked my wife to fire her current 'counselor' who had said some unbelievable things to me in the past and get a new one. I continued to meet with my own Christian therapist. I had a few close friends to whom I vented semi-regularly.

My mentor told me about a week long intensive session with a Christian counselor that helped him a lot in his marriage and we signed up for that but it was 6 months away, I signed up wondering if we'll even still be married in 6 months.

However things were getting better and a month before the week long session, I cancelled the divorce papers with the court. (I had never served my wife the papers while we were giving it 1 last go)

We did end up going to the week long thing, it focused on past wounds and how to heal and forgiving each other and embracing each other's wounds and caring for each other. I would say it has made a difference in how we relate to each other.

It's now been about 8 months since the week long session and we continue to meet with the same counselors (1 marriage and 1 personal for each of us) but less frequently.

Looking back so many people have helped us overcome our challenges that I'm grateful for. (friends, family, counselors, pastor) But mostly God for being with me and giving me the strength to keep growing.

My marriage is not what I would like it to be, I don't really "like" my wife in a romantic sense, but I have no problem living together like a roommate and a partner logistically. I choose to love her because God first loved us but it's hard, oh so hard, so I need God's love full in my heart first.

In closing, everyone will have their own paths that God has laid out for them so we take 1 step at a time. I pray for God's peace for anyone else in a truly, tough marriage that makes you feel hopeless and desperate.

Emptyvessel · Jan 1, 2024

Thanks for sharing.

I had a 30 years of relationship (26 years in marriage) with a diagnosed narcissist spouse. I stayed on the marriage this long because I know God hates divorce. I tried all to make it work but it had reduced me to nothing when I left. I did not abandon him, we (kids and I) escaped. The loveboming, gaslighting, manupulation, and devaluing kept going. I was confused and hopeless. I went through 2.5 years of counseling. He was charming enough to let the counseling looked like it worked, but he continued to abuse behind closed door.

He said he could not love me, no feeling, could not intent. He continued to expect twisted submission on my end. On my body and expected me to serve him in every and any way he wanted. Including being a mute when he talks.

fbow said:
My marriage is not what I would like it to be, I don't really "like" my wife in a romantic sense, but I have no problem living together like a roommate and a partner logistically. I choose to love her because God first loved us but it's hard, oh so hard, so I need God's love full in my heart first.

Love is an intent, alright. A marriage needs work, alright. But it is hard when it is one sided. I am not saying yours is one sided. I am saying you do the right thing by her. Obey what the good book says. But if she has checked out and abandoned the marriage emotionally/spiritually, and she bears no fruit, you do have a biblical reason to divorce her.

fbow said:
In closing, everyone will have their own paths that God has laid out for them so we take 1 step at a time. I pray for God's peace for anyone else in a truly, tough marriage that makes you feel hopeless and desperate.

Stay with Christ and seek His wisdom. Noone can tell you exactly what needed to be done. If she is not your rib, let Him reveal to you.

Divorce is not the unforgivable sin

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His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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